had anyone come across this.... Friend asks guy you are dating to hang out but doesn't include you....

  • cesarin03

    Posts: 38

    Apr 29, 2009 4:36 PM GMT
    From other posts, I know everyone on this site, can provide some good advice.

    I want to know if anyone else has come across this and how they dealt with it.

    Last weekend, I came across a situation I did not think i'd come across ever that involved the guy I am dating (calling him A), and my close friend (calling him J). J has met A, and J knows I'm dating this guy.

    I asked a my close friend J, whom i have known for 6 years, over phone to hang out.
    He mentions his bf is going out of town, so he's going to put in some overtime and work on his paper this weekend. So he probably can't.

    I respond with some other time, we'll catch up.

    Saturday I am hanging with A grabbing lunch, and he gets a text from J. Saying him and a group of people are going to go out, and if he wanted to join in. A mentions to me did you get this text also. Check my phone and respond no, which is strange cause he said he was busy.

    My phone has been having issues with texting so, I just say maybe its my phone. I ask A was the invitation plural or singular. He says singular. No mention of me in the text.

    A decides to see what is meant and so he begins to text back saying, that feels like going out on the town and being hit on (with my blessing). Just trying to see what his responses would be like.

    I agree to this because I wouldn't expect anything to occur. A's last text to J before dinner, is "if no hot guys hit on me, then i'll expect you to respond to my flirtation." J responds with a "we'll see, and a smiley face."

    At this point, i get that wierd feeling in my stomach. A's like lets just show up to where they are hanging its probably nothing and friendly flirting.

    We pick another friend of mine who wanted to go out, and eventually show up to where everyone was. We all say hi, not really into drama, and I go grab a drink and when I come back A approaches me.

    He pulls me aside and is like, I'm being completely honest with you, but your friend J when you went to get a drink made a comment "I thought you were coming alone" and then he also asked "the group is inquiring what your status is." A is a very private person, so he doesn't like discussing this circumstances with just anyone regardless.

    By this point, that feeling in my stomach starts to grow stronger. I just ignore it and try to enjoy myself that night unfortunately i do not have a poker face so i'm not my usual self.

    At some point during the night my friend J approaches me and says is everything OK. I was a bit tipsy and so was he so, I respond yes. I didn't want to confront him about the circumstances right then and there.

    Night ends, drop of my friend, and A and I talk about the situation. He recommended that I should just let it be, and just move J from a close friend to an acquantice and eventually he'll fade out. My usual approach is amputate the relationship. and if asked why i give my reasons.

    A mentions that if I want he will remove all contact from him, and not respond to him and that he is ok with that because he does not want this to to get in the way of our dating. I respond nah its cool for now, because I'm still processing the events in my head.

    Yesterday, A mentions to me again, that J asked him over IM why it was hard for A to let his "relationship status" be known; a just changes the topic of conversation.


    So in my mind at this moment these questiosn circle through my head.

    1. why would J say he was busy to hang out but then ask A, the guy i'm dating, to join him and his friends.
    2. why would J send a text to A that was plural and at no point be like send the word to me.
    3. why the "i thought you were coming alone"
    4. usually J texts at the end of the night and says, gerat seeing you etc etc.
    5. I wish to confront him but don't know how. considering that the whole texting circumstances where a bit underhanded in my mind.
    6. i would never invite the guy a friend of mine is dating alone. if anything i would say feel free to bring your date to hang out also. it just seems akward and sketchy.

    the only comfort I have is knowing that the guy I am dating is very honest and that has solidified my trust in him completely.

    If you've read this far, i appreciate your reading and hopeully you have some opinions on this.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 29, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    J is a dick. You're better off just cutting him out.

    You're dating A and he sounds like a solid guy. If he's willing to ignore J for you, then by all means let him.
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    Apr 29, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidJ is a dick. You're better off just cutting him out.

    You're dating A and he sounds like a solid guy. If he's willing to ignore J for you, then by all means let him.


    Quoted for truth.
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    Apr 29, 2009 8:00 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidJ is a dick. You're better off just cutting him out.

    You're dating A and he sounds like a solid guy. If he's willing to ignore J for you, then by all means let him.

    Agreed, sounds like your BF A is satisfied with you, while J is trying to mess things up, either just for the sex, or he wants A all to himself. Don't pressure A about it, he seems to be on your side, and distance yourself from J quickly. Try to avoid drama over it, cause A might not like being in the middle of all that, when he appears to have done nothing wrong.
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    Apr 29, 2009 8:02 PM GMT

    There's some web slinging going on here and it ain't cobwebs.

    ...............................................

    cesarin03 said

    1. why would J say he was busy to hang out but then ask A, the guy i'm dating, to join him and his friends.
    2. why would J send a text to A that was plural and at no point be like send the word to me.
    3. why the "i thought you were coming alone"
    4. usually J texts at the end of the night and says, gerat seeing you etc etc.
    5. I wish to confront him but don't know how. considering that the whole texting circumstances where a bit underhanded in my mind.
    6. i would never invite the guy a friend of mine is dating alone. if anything i would say feel free to bring your date to hang out also. it just seems akward and sketchy.



    J is trying to net your man!! You've got more than enough circumstantial evidence for there to be a preponderance of the evidence! The attitude alone would sell me. Why on the night of an alledged attempt to ask your boyfriend out would he give you the brushoff by not calling for the usual girl talk. I tell you why, because he was peeved. Mybe you can't prove his intent, but you can prove suspicious behavior even anger on his part. He seems like such an opportunist. Friends aren't perfect and some people choose to keep friends that are....abnormally flawed. That will be up to you if you don't mind your eyebrow being in a permanent state of elevation.

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    Apr 29, 2009 8:19 PM GMT
    VERY shady on your "friends" part.icon_wink.gif

    I'd also privately (and in person) call his ass out on the carpet about it....
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    Apr 29, 2009 8:34 PM GMT
    End the friendship no question. It should be clear to you even now that this "J" is no friend why even prolong it? REALLY! I find it quite a puzzle that the guy that you are dating didn't just step up and say that he's dating you! There is private then there is squashig a bug! "J" is a bug that should have been squashed fresh out the gate!

    You said you don't want any drama....this reeks of it sweetie, it just does.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 29, 2009 9:10 PM GMT
    You and A should confront J in a civil manner and let him know he is completely out of line and disrespectful to your relationship. Put him on notice and give him a chance to reconcile. If he doesn't, cut him out of the picture. Most likely and unfortunately, he'll act like you're the jealous type and ramble off rumors about you and A. Childish people....



    Good luck. It sounds like you have a good catch with A.
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    Apr 29, 2009 9:23 PM GMT
    No confrontation is needed bro! Just move on, u know he tried to move in on ur boy, so just stay away and be done wit it. This kat is not ur friend yo. No need 4 anger, or resentment, just be glad he was exposed by ur boy. Friends are very rare, so just cjalk it up as one to grow on. Granted u could be messy and break up his happy home tooicon_lol.gif
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 29, 2009 9:27 PM GMT
    It's always better to ACTIVELY address a situation instead of PASSIVELY doing so. Passivity creates more chaos and misunderstandings. Active address makes the message clear.
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Apr 29, 2009 9:36 PM GMT
    I'm with the majority. As 'close' as your friendship with J may feel at times, it's clear there was a boundary crossed. I say you should concentrate your energies into building the relationship and letting the friendship go down it's slippery slope.

    As for A, I agree with a previous comment, he probably doesn't want to get involved with this kind of drama . . . so let it drop and let that be it. He sounds like a really great guy so focus on the positive (A) and let go of the negative (J). There's no need for drama, a scene or any kind of retaliation. I think J's intentions were clear here and your gut instinct (butterflies) were right.
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    Apr 29, 2009 9:38 PM GMT

    coolarmydude saidIt's always better to ACTIVELY address a situation instead of PASSIVELY doing so. Passivity creates more chaos and misunderstandings. Active address makes the message clear.


    I agree with this. Definitely talk to J about this and if you decide to avoid him, let him know and exactly why. Perhaps he can learn from this and not try it again with the next friend.

    Although, after thinking more about it, bringing this up may defuse the situation enough for you and A to stay J's friend. It'll be out in the open and he won't feel shrouded enough to make a move again. Especially when your other friend's get wind of it (and they will)....it's sorta like turning the flood lights on a potential burgler. It deters them.



  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 29, 2009 9:44 PM GMT
    "J" isn't a friend.. he's someone who is trying to take advantage of your relationship (between you and he.. to "gain" on your bf). While I dont' know the background of your friendship, I would probably make it clear you aren't friends anymore and why and move along with one less "fake" in your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2009 10:41 PM GMT
    oh hunny, find a sterilised surgical glove and slap that dirty little whore back to her little rock from which she crawled..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    Y'know, you really shouldn't let this episode in your life go to waste. Pitch it to Hollywood.
    catfight.jpg
  • cesarin03

    Posts: 38

    Apr 30, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    i've seen a lot of consistent responses, and its in line with what I was thinking. I appreciate everyone's two cents... i'm not a confrontational guy to begin with , cause the energy is not worth it.
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    Apr 30, 2009 6:00 PM GMT
    cesarin03 saidi've seen a lot of consistent responses, and its in line with what I was thinking. I appreciate everyone's two cents... i'm not a confrontational guy to begin with , cause the energy is not worth it.


    Being confrontational is better than letting it just accumulate inside and blow up though icon_wink.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 30, 2009 11:34 PM GMT
    J is an as

    A sounds like he's doing what a boyfriend should

    and "U" better smarten up and jettison this dude REAL FAST