Dad rant! >=O

  • TallSoCal

    Posts: 321

    Apr 30, 2009 6:45 AM GMT
    I'll try to keep it short.

    So, the father has been bugging me because he said we need to talk. I already knew what he wanted to talk about. It's the same thing we ALWAYS talk about. He had a dream that my best friend (who is straight) and I were messing around and was freaking about about it. He starts asking me questions that aren't any of his business like am I sexually involved with anyone and things of the sort. He started harping on me because I'm not getting involved at church enough, and said he's just being a dad and trying to "save" me. I have a brother and a sister, but he only talks to ME about this and punishes me for any random reason because I'm not the son he expected I'd be (as if I had any choice in how I became who I am today). And he wonders why I avoid him and talk to him as little as possible! icon_evil.gif My mom left it alone a long time ago and assured me she still loves me and whatever. I don't even bother trying to defend myself to him anymore because he shuts down any thought of homosexuality existing. I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and he's the dumb nail sticking out of the wall that cuts me every time I pass by. icon_cry.gif


    So, am I right to shut him out and put up a wall? I get in trouble for doing it, but I'm SOOO sick of crying and hating myself over his bullshit, but sometimes I can't help it. He knows where to punch. I can't sacrifice my own happiness and fake like everything is perfect just so he can smile and be satisfied with himself.
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    Apr 30, 2009 7:06 AM GMT
    I counter those questions with something like

    So while were having this little talk...I was wondering how I came into existence between you and mom....Now I know the biological stuff but I was more thinking about the details. In my mind it sort of played out like I'm think what missionary position....that table in the kitchen with the one broken leg.....looking slamming that red shirt she dress she wore to the office Christmas party hiked up showing that underwear she keeps at the back of your closet....twins hanging out

    SO am I close or way off or what?
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    Apr 30, 2009 10:52 AM GMT
    Prove him wrong.
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    Apr 30, 2009 11:22 AM GMT
    First off can I say your a very brave person for admitting who you are, there are very few people in this world that can go as far as to say, I know who I am and am comfortable with that.

    I can't completely relate to your situation, I have yet to admit anything to my family for the time being, but in your father's defense some people are that immersed in their own way of thinking that anything that goes against that must be against them. Growing up your whole life under the twisted belief that god hates gay's can have an effect on how someone sees the world. Your father may just be unable to understand something he himself has never felt.

    But to choice his "principals" over the happiness of his own son, no longer makes him a "father", just the man thats married to your mum.

    As hard as it is to shut someone out, you need to put yourself first, you have just as much right to be happy, as he does. He's your father, you don't have to be the son he expected but he should be the father you need.

    Also you don't need to defend yourself, just know It is better to hurt someone's feelings with the truth, then destroy them with a lie, you love your family enough to risk opening up to them, the least they can do is except it. I say for the time being think of yourself, and if that means distancing yourself from your father so be it, but don't completely server all connection he may eventually come around. He may surprise you.

    Hope this helps xo
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    Apr 30, 2009 2:35 PM GMT
    i would point out what's been said before:

    1) come out when you're financially independent
    2) come out when YOU are ready
    3) come out in a way that empowers you without purposefully hurting others
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    Apr 30, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    He had a dream that you were messing around with your friend and was freaked out about it? Are you sure he's not, um, gay and maybe in denial? Maybe he's punishing you because of his denial that he is gay.
  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Apr 30, 2009 3:05 PM GMT
    I will assume you do not live at home - if you do, perhaps it is healthiest for you to move out. I say this because if you do live at home, it is his house #1 - his rules. #2, you do not need to be around that mentality in what should be your "safe comfort zone".
    Understand that as naive and misguided his intentions are; they come from a place in his heart. As a father of two - i now have a better appreciation for things my dad did/said to me.
    OK - i would say something like; "look dad from now on this topic is off limits, i love you but can no longer go there with you. From now on, i will simply remove myself from this type of discussion with you". After consistently doing this with your dad (walking away) he will either get the message or the relationship with your dad will wither. You must be willing to sacrifice this should it come to be. Your emotional wellbeing is of upmost importance here.
    It is OK to one day hope your dad may come around - just don't dwell on it.
    Wishing you well
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    Apr 30, 2009 3:41 PM GMT


    growingbig said, " He had a dream that you were messing around with your friend and was freaked out about it? Are you sure he's not, um, gay and maybe in denial? Maybe he's punishing you because of his denial that he is gay."

    gosh, that brought a memorable scene or two to mind from American Beauty.

    -Doug

    PS to Mo_Fugga, as time goes by the parent becomes the child and the child the parent....so be a good parent to Dad.
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    Apr 30, 2009 4:51 PM GMT
    Just cut him out. I've had much the same experience, and while the optimistic people will say time will change him, I don't foresee that happening with my father. So I just stopped all communications with him, apart from the brief yes/no's that are required.
    Basically I'm just saying, you should be prepared for the worst.
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    Apr 30, 2009 5:08 PM GMT
    I usually tell people to put up the wall, and to never look back. It's their job to re-build the relationship when they understand.

    BUT, I know nothing of father-son relationships and would advise you start with the "I'm an adult and it's none of your business" talk. My mother did the same "I had a dream" crap and 2AM calls about her worry that I'll burn in hell. Eventually I just told her where her limits are. I advised her that I don't need any more negativity in my life and that she will either shut up or I'll cut her off. It worked. We get into some arguments about rights, but otherwise she stays involved positively at her limits and it works. When she asks something like if I've slept with someone I've been seeing, I quickly just reply that it's none of her business and she backs off.

    You run your life and your privacy. He may be your father, but there are limits and you need to start with that before you cut him off.
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    Apr 30, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    You sound like you've figured out the most important part, you should not sacrifice your happiness just so he can be satisfied. I havn't told my mom I'm gay, but I've heard her in the past say some homophobic things, and they wonder why we are so distant? icon_rolleyes.gif
    Don't get yourself too down about it. I think in the end once you are in a relationship and happy, your family will want to be a part of your joy; and if they don't then your better off anyway.
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    Apr 30, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    growingbig saidHe had a dream that you were messing around with your friend and was freaked out about it? Are you sure he's not, um, gay and maybe in denial? Maybe he's punishing you because of his denial that he is gay.

    And thus, he is jealous!!!
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    Apr 30, 2009 7:24 PM GMT
    You probably are not going to change your father's opinion regarding homosexuality. My suggestion is to let your anger go, and move on. Find some common ground with your father, and spend some time together enjoying something you both like to do. For my father and I, we both enjoy watching football. He is your father after all, and he isn't going to be around forever. Make the best of your relationship while you have the chance.
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    Apr 30, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    Get to a place physically, emotionally and financially where he can't hurt you. Then come out of the closet. If any of those are in danger tread lightly.

    If you can afford to, move out of the house soon. If not, save your money and wait for the right time. In the meantime let him know that your personal life is not an area he is allowed to address.
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    Apr 30, 2009 9:19 PM GMT
    Mo_Fugga saidI'll try to keep it short.

    So, the father has been bugging me because he said we need to talk. I already knew what he wanted to talk about. It's the same thing we ALWAYS talk about. He had a dream that my best friend (who is straight) and I were messing around and was freaking about about it. He starts asking me questions that aren't any of his business like am I sexually involved with anyone and things of the sort. He started harping on me because I'm not getting involved at church enough, and said he's just being a dad and trying to "save" me. I have a brother and a sister, but he only talks to ME about this and punishes me for any random reason because I'm not the son he expected I'd be (as if I had any choice in how I became who I am today). And he wonders why I avoid him and talk to him as little as possible! icon_evil.gif My mom left it alone a long time ago and assured me she still loves me and whatever. I don't even bother trying to defend myself to him anymore because he shuts down any thought of homosexuality existing. I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and he's the dumb nail sticking out of the wall that cuts me every time I pass by. icon_cry.gif


    So, am I right to shut him out and put up a wall? I get in trouble for doing it, but I'm SOOO sick of crying and hating myself over his bullshit, but sometimes I can't help it. He knows where to punch. I can't sacrifice my own happiness and fake like everything is perfect just so he can smile and be satisfied with himself.


    No, you should not shut him out or put up a wall. He is your father and loves you. He may not be able to show it now in the way you would like him to.

    Keep the doors of communication open.
  • TallSoCal

    Posts: 321

    Apr 30, 2009 10:29 PM GMT
    Thanks, guys. All of your advice is really helpful. To answer some of your questions, I moved out and moved back home. Problems with the tenants at the other place. My dad isn't gay. lol. His words were, "There's no such thing. It's a demon spirit. People choose to be that way." I really want to punch him for his ignorance. He really doesn't understand and doesn't care to because it "goes against the law of God". My parents are quick to say their house, their rules. They don't care that I'm 21. I still can't eat in my room, have people in the back of the house (guy or girl), and I have a curfew. I've tried to find some common ground with him, but he ends up criticizing everything. I WILL tell him to back off the next time he brings it up. I wonder how much trouble I'll get in for that. icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 30, 2009 10:35 PM GMT
    Mo_Fugga saidThanks, guys. All of your advice is really helpful. To answer some of your questions, I moved out and moved back home. Problems with the tenants at the other place. My dad isn't gay. lol. His words were, "There's no such thing. It's a demon spirit. People choose to be that way." I really want to punch him for his ignorance. He really doesn't understand and doesn't care to because it "goes against the law of God". My parents are quick to say their house, their rules. They don't care that I'm 21. I still can't eat in my room, have people in the back of the house (guy or girl), and I have a curfew. I've tried to find some common ground with him, but he ends up criticizing everything. I WILL tell him to back off the next time he brings it up. I wonder how much trouble I'll get in for that. icon_lol.gif


    Dude you live under their roof - you play by their rules. It's as simple as that. You want to be your own man, then get your own place!
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 30, 2009 10:40 PM GMT
    It sounds like your Dad has a crush on your best friend and his dream has him vicariously making out with him through you.
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    May 01, 2009 12:26 AM GMT
    Their house (mostly their rules) I recommend you move out.
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    May 01, 2009 12:49 AM GMT
    MOVE
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 01, 2009 2:27 AM GMT
    "So, the father has been bugging me because he said we need to talk. I already knew what he wanted to talk about. It's the same thing we ALWAYS talk about. He had a dream that my best friend (who is straight) and I were messing around and was freaking about about it. He starts asking me questions that aren't any of his business like am I sexually involved with anyone and things of the sort. He started harping on me because I'm not getting involved at church enough, and said he's just being a dad and trying to "save" me. I have a brother and a sister, but he only talks to ME about this and punishes me for any random reason because I'm not the son he expected I'd be (as if I had any choice in how I became who I am today). And he wonders why I avoid him and talk to him as little as possible! My mom left it alone a long time ago and assured me she still loves me and whatever. I don't even bother trying to defend myself to him anymore because he shuts down any thought of homosexuality existing. I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and he's the dumb nail sticking out of the wall that cuts me every time I pass by."
    ____________________________________________________
    Copy, paste, and print this................and send it to your dad.