"I've never been with a guy who was TOTALLY my type..."

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2007 8:34 PM GMT
    [This is a bit of a ramble, and very personal. Sorry guys.]

    Recently I was on a second date with a guy, and the topic of "types" came up. I forget exactly what the lead-in was that triggered his comment, but at one point he says to me,

    "I've never been with a guy who was totally my type..."

    I was completely shocked and speechless. It colored the entire rest of the evening with him. And I kept on thinking: I don't think I can be with someone who views me that way. I don't think I can be with a guy, if I know that he's thinking, "Well, Greg, you're not really my type... but you're nice and I like you so it's fine."

    Is that unreasonable?

    Part of me thinks that I'm being spoiled. Sure, sure, I've had plenty of guys that I've dated tell me that I was "perfect" or the "hottest guy" they'd ever been with, and so on. And I knew very well that it was mostly "blowing smoke," as it were. But even though I never took those extreme compliments too seriously, there is still part of me that believed it when they would say: "You are EXACTLY my type!"

    Was I being naive?

    When I was younger, used to always say to myself: Why should I settle for someone who thinks about me, "His personality is perfect for me, even though he's not really my type physically", when I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who would both like me AND think that I'm their type.

    But as I get older, I wonder if that confidence is misplaced.

    I've always dated guys that were my "type", physically, and I've never been in a serious relationship with someone that I didn't think was gorgeous (by my standards) (with the usual caveats that my attraction to someone IS biased by how much I like them, etc etc). So the idea of being with someone whom I see as physically perfect (in the "perfect for me" sense) who does not see me the same way.... honestly kind of bothers me.

    Does that make me shallow?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2007 9:07 PM GMT
    Perhaps you were "spoiled;" but that's just been the way things have been given the dedication and direction you've put in developing yourself physically and mentally. For lack of a non-cheesy phrase, you are who you are. The fact that you're one of the most hotlisted guys on this site speaks to the ease you would have, in comparison with most other guys, in dating other guys.

    I think some people would say that is being shallow, and others would not. It sounds like you've recently had some insight that your relationship experiences have been perhaps easier than most people, and because of that you get to be picky maybe, and that perhaps makes you shallow, and being a shallow person does not feel good.

    I personally don't think it's unreasonable to not date someone who believes no one will ever be that person's type. I think this indicates, at least right now, that this person isn't at the stage where he can devote or fully believe that the two of you can be compatible, which is something that I think you do seek, Greg. Thats not to say he's never going to be capable of it; but his past experiences have probably led him to come with this conclusion, so that's going to be one of the barriers that you'll have to break down if you continue forward. I think the real question is whether you think you have the patience in you to do this.

    Coming from a culture that often says marriage is just something you stick through for the sake of kids, I think it's awesome you only date guys who you find are TOTALLY your type. That's what I'd like to adopt, and I think I've been good about it. I also think at least in this society, this is how everyone should feel (give or take some error amount of "putting up") in order to be happy.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 04, 2007 9:11 PM GMT
    I think you might be overreacting a bit.

    He said 'totally'. This would leave me to believe he's got some dream guy in his head that no human could every hope to measure up to.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Nov 05, 2007 12:08 AM GMT
    Greg, I'd say lets get over it.....

    I've been involved with my partner for 9 years and I'm not "totally" his type..... and he isn't mine.
    He doesn't work out, isn't preppy, much more average
    looking and someone I can completely trust, talk to, share and appreciate. Very different personalities, similar interests.

    If I was on a second date and someone said that to me, I'd probably not give it a second thought, maybe even ask him questions. I certainly would not take offense.
    If you did, I'd be asking yourself some questions....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2007 12:24 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan: For example? What sorts of questions?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Nov 05, 2007 2:40 AM GMT
    Well to start with, let me say I'm not trying to be judgemental or offensive in any way, but to be helpful.

    If I were on a second date, I probably wouldn't have a topic of conversation like the one you had and if I did, my reaction would probably be to think the guy in which I was dating was a little odd. But I'm a balanced person... there are different things that others view as important in people that they date and noone has all those traits.

    Greg, I don't think its too much to want someone to
    desire you because you are "their type".. I'm just encouraging you to remember that that term is ambigous
    and that I would never view his comment as a slight to me or my assets. What does he really know about you
    on the second date?

    If it does bother you, I DO think you should ask yourself some questions... like, WHY does it bother me?
    Do I expect everyone to value me as their type? If so,
    WHY???? And why do you think of it as a slight to you? And the biggie... just because you may be attractive (or fit) is that the reason why they should consider you their "type"?

    BTW, I had someone tell me I "wasn't their type", like it mattered.. it was someone who wasn't fit, wasn't attractive and in a relationship for 20 years. I just smiled and said, "to each their own".....
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Nov 05, 2007 2:44 AM GMT
    And don't use the word "perfect"....
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Nov 05, 2007 3:53 AM GMT
    I believe some of the confusion stems from the vague descriptive term "my type."

    Did he mean physically?
    Did he mean mentally? emotionally?

    It's a really open term...could be anything.

    I've dated many guys who aren't my type physically, but i like them enough for other reasons it's not an issue...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2007 3:40 PM GMT
    i think we are talking about two separate issues here. greg, if you've only ever been out with exactly your type, lucky you. i hear most people say that the person they love is so not what they were looking for but that it doesn't matter.

    however, to say a comment like that on a date is fairly clumsy. or is it? maybe he said it to prick your ego? (i'm sure that's not the case thoughicon_smile.gif)
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    Nov 05, 2007 6:22 PM GMT
    I think you're placing way too much value on physical attributes. I mean you really emphasize a guy's, and your own, appeal and value based on appearance. Looks fade with time. When I see a gorgeous guy with a horrible personality or shallow mindset, then my attraction for him, both physically and mentally, is totally killed. And I know you stated that you don't take people's compliments too seriously, but they can still have an affect on a person's mindset even if the words are hollow. Everyone says they have a "perfect type," but that type doesn't exist because it's only a figment of your imagination. I know my dream man doesn't exist because it's impossible for someone to live up to such expectations in a perfect manner. Did those guys say that you were "exactly" their type know every little detail of your life to actually mean what they said 100%? It's all about being humble,coming to terms with yourself, and accepting the fact that you aren't every guy's Prince Charming. But that doesn't mean you can't form meaningful relationships.

    Just think about burn victims and people with other disfigurements. They are still able to find love and companionship in their lives. And I doubt that there are many people out there that say their dream partner or perfect type is a someone that has had their face burned off or are missing all of their limbs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2007 7:13 PM GMT
    Being young I might not know much but my 2 cent:

    I think were the better person when we can overcome something about our partner we don't like. When we can work with problems and build a future together its all the more meaningful.

    What would you be prouder of:

    - Buying an inperfect chair then fixing it yourself?

    - Just buying and returning chairs until you find one that works?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2007 7:31 PM GMT
    greg...(with the usual caveats that my attraction to someone IS biased by how much I like them, etc etc)...


    But why aren't others allowed to have those same caveats with you? The fact is that there are guys out there, for example, that aren't typically into muscular guys as a physical ideal - but if one falls in like/love with you, then he would have a caveat of his own and therefore see you as beautiful and gorgeous and attractive. I feel like your wires are getting crossed here. The statement "you are not my normal or ideal type" is being heard as "I am *settling* for you" or "I am not totally into you but I will give you a shot anyway" when it *could* be heard as "I like you so much that I find you totally gorgeous and attractive even though you're not my usual type!" It does seem like your ego is slanting an idea that could be very flattering into one that is insulting.

    All that said, I agree with the poster above that it was a "clumsy" thing to say, especially on a second date. And I do understand why you would be put off by it, I would be as well. However, your reaction to be "shocked and speechless" seems really dramatic given the benign situation, it's really not that big of a deal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2007 7:52 PM GMT
    Did it look like this when you were shocked?

    shocked-720286.png
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2007 8:07 PM GMT
    Ooooooooh, McGay you are a one.

    I've never dated my type. That's silly fantasy.
  • Csrobbie2000

    Posts: 359

    Nov 05, 2007 8:34 PM GMT
    I think it's impossible to find someone who is completely one's type that we often refer to as Mr. Perfect. In a relationship, both parties must compromise in order to be right for each other as long as one doesn't compromise too much that he loses a sense of who he is.
  • MarkX

    Posts: 101

    Nov 05, 2007 9:52 PM GMT
    Throughout my early "out" years, I would identify a characteristic here or there as being "my type," but the preference would change. I finally realized, I don't have a type. Can't be limited that way.

    I don't have a favotire color either.

    They call me Libran.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2007 3:17 PM GMT
    red, what is your fantasy type?

    i tend to fantasise about dark looking guys, latinos, you know the type. i've dated a few but it can so easily fall flat on it's face if the chemistry isn't right.

    nmaybe fantasies should remain just that?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2007 3:43 PM GMT
    I've never dated a guy that's totally my type...

    ...because I don't have a type. icon_smile.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2007 3:48 PM GMT
    Huh?

    Raise your hand if you both:
    (a) believe in dating certain "types" and
    (b) insist that you're far too complex to be labelled (as gay, femme, jock, nerd, emo, blah blah blah). 'Fess up now, all you Myers-Briggs lovers.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Jun 10, 2008 9:37 PM GMT
    Trance23 saidBeing young I might not know much but my 2 cent:

    I think were the better person when we can overcome something about our partner we don't like. When we can work with problems and build a future together its all the more meaningful.

    What would you be prouder of:

    - Buying an inperfect chair then fixing it yourself?

    - Just buying and returning chairs until you find one that works?




    WOW.

    You show great insight and thoughfulness... Kudos to you !

    May we all have that attitude.


    Often we make up such narrow standards that we pass by really great men that are just outside those tiny standards.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2008 9:43 PM GMT
    I am everyone's type...



    ...typo error.icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2008 10:00 PM GMT
    I'd be taken aback a bit too if I heard that from a guy on a second date. I'd think he was feeling that I really wasn't everything he wants in someone.

    And then I'd think, how do you know who someone is after one date and into the second? Different dates expose different parts of our personalities and traits. It's just not possible to know who a person really is after so little interaction.

    And then I'd decide, this guy's probably an idiot because what constitutes his "type" is over-weighted with physical characteristics. Those are the things he can immediately see and judge; and if these things dominate what are important to him, then thank god I've found out early and can move on to the next boy.



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    Jun 10, 2008 10:09 PM GMT


    How young is he? If the answer is "pretty young" or "very young", his type is probably something you'd find in an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue! Even if he's older, his type may be a Vin Diesal or a Russell -Crowe. A lot of people's "type" are driven by the same star gazing that drives them to go see a certain actor's movie or buy a certain brand of jeans. Life is more realistic, but many men forget or atleast when he said what he said, he was forgetting that his type is a 2-D image on the cover of FLEXX magazine. SInce it was a conversation, you really should have asked him exactly WHAT HIS TYPE IS!! That way you could have administered a splash of reality.

    MY two cents are these: a type should just be a template not a riggid preference because who can fill it? When someone starts telling me about their type, I never listen because chances are they are being too superficial when they describe their type. I usually think a person is foolish to confine himself to one "type" anyway. However, if a guy started rambling about his type at dinner with me, I'd know he wasn't my type.