Dad Rant #2

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 30, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    I just got off the phone with my father. Had no intention of talking about my sexuality with him, but when I told him that I was selling my house he asked me point blank about the guy I was living with and what he was going to do. I had no idea he even knew about that, which basically means that he has known all along that I was gay and in a relationship. I was burned up a bit by that, but not as badly as I was when I asked him how long he knew I was gay. He said he had known since I was about three... and instantly my gorge rose. This was the same man who all but refused to even acknowledge my existence as a child, used to call me a fag on a daily basis, and told me at age thirteen when I was being tormented in school that I deserved every bit of it.

    Needless to say that we've never been really close, though a lot of the antipathy and anger I've had toward him in my youth has dissipated as I have grown up. I have worked very hard in the last 13 years on having a relationship based on me being the best kind of son I can be today rather than basing it on the crappy father he was back then. But now, I am so furious again! I have never wanted to bite a man in the neck and spit the blood back in his face until now! icon_evil.gif

    There is no question or need for advice right now... I just need to vent around people who (hopefully) know the feeling.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 30, 2009 7:09 PM GMT
    I haven't spoken to my father since I was 13.
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    Apr 30, 2009 7:58 PM GMT
    My father knew I was gay before I did, he let me know it too. Needless to say, we didn't have a good relationship either.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 30, 2009 8:07 PM GMT
    I was lucky. My parents hated each other. They always discouraged us from ever getting married. If my father knew that I was gay, he never let on. He just wanted me to survive and be successful. He's been dead for quite a few years. My crazy religious nut mother thinks that it was something she did to make me turn gay. Hahahahaha. We don't speak. She's on her East coast. And, I'm on my West coast.

    I do feel that I missed out on having loving parents and going to their home for the holidays; that sort of thing. Shrug.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 30, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    Oh. And, to the OP, if the guy living with you is your partner, I would get in the habit of saying, "We" whenever you mention something the two of you are doing, rather than helping to perpetuate the myth that you're just roommates. That's what I used to do. People quickly got the message.

    If I had been in your place, when your dad asked what the other guy was going to do, I would have answered matter of factly that, he was moving with you. You're an adult who doesn't need your parent's permission or approval.

  • TallSoCal

    Posts: 321

    Apr 30, 2009 10:32 PM GMT
    He sounds like a bully I would have stood up to in high school (if I ever had one). Considering I don't get along well with my father, I'd say to forget him. You're an adult and don't need to answer to him. Especially since he's treated you worse than some asshole strangers. Forgive him, but move on.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 30, 2009 10:43 PM GMT
    If you want to exact some revenge on him, tell him you won the lottery and see how he warms up to you. Keep up the scam as long as you can. icon_wink.gif



    If you do that, keep us updated.
  • Richbehr

    Posts: 75

    Apr 30, 2009 10:51 PM GMT
    My father died in 1978 when I was 18. Do you know what my most vivid memory of him is, now 30 years later?
    Him being loaded and bringing 1 of his drunken buddies home on a Saturday afternoon when I was 15 and the drunk said to me
    "So you're the fagot son your father talks about".
    Thanks for the memories, dad
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 30, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    Well this explains so much

    My dad died when I was 6 months

    My mom always told me I am her son and she loves me no matter what. She's what would be called an evangelical christian and she found out I was into men about 25 years ago. She has not loved me any less.

    Sorry to hear about you guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 30, 2009 11:45 PM GMT
    as I stated in another post I just cant tolerate this type of ignorance and abuse...I say Fuck that bastard, I wouldnt waste my breathe or time messing with him.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 01, 2009 2:35 AM GMT
    I think that a lot of dads believe that it's an insult to their masculinity. So, he's dealing with it the best way he knows how. I'm not condoning it. I'm just trying to understand why any parent could be so ignorant.
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    May 01, 2009 12:21 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for chiming in. I'm doing better... amamzing what a good night of sleep will do. Helps you realize he's really ignorant of what a great kid he has.

    Job interview today! Wish me luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2009 12:39 PM GMT
    This story actually made me tear up -- something that's not easy to do.
    My own father was a career military man and devoutly religious. I wasn't the kind of son he was expecting or knew how to deal with. Nevertheless he did his best to love me and take pride in my accomplishments. As he got older he found it easier to express his feelings and I'm thankful that during his final illness we were able to say how much we meant to each other.
    I'm sorry about your father -- good luck!
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    May 01, 2009 2:52 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidI think that a lot of dads believe that it's an insult to their masculinity. So, he's dealing with it the best way he knows how. I'm not condoning it. I'm just trying to understand why any parent could be so ignorant.


    Thats exactly the case with my dad. He's the most ignorant fuck in existance. He abandoned us when I was young and all four of us (my siblings and I) have tried our hardest to connect with him again. For years, I've been trying to reach him just to say hi and ask him what he's been up to. I got his office phone and his email address. I've made calls after calls and I've sent email after email and got a two minute telephone call from him last year. He sounded so uncomfortable on the phone with me. He cut it short.

    Recently, my brother called me up crying on the phone and told me that he's been talking to him for the past 6 months on a regular basis. Almost twice a week. I was so confused. My brother hates him, never seeked him out and doesn't want anything to do with him. I've been trying for years to reach him so why my brother and not me and my two sisters? He told me that he doesnt know how to talk to the girls because he's a 'real man' and that he refuses to speak to me because he's not happy with with my career choice (dancer) and he's disgusted by the fact that I'm gay. He thinks real men aren't gay.

    I hope this makes sense, but hearing that hurt so much that I didn't care. I was just so shocked, that at that moment I decided to give up on him. How could this man who has never made an effort to get to know me, judge me so harshly? I was fed up with feeling this emptiness of not having him around as a child. I'm fed up with feeling lost without his guidance while I'm entering this scary stage of 'real' adulthood. I quickly took all those feelings of being lost, empty and worthless and and I simply threw them out. It's not worth it. I'm a little upset but I thought 'I'm going through college on my own, I've got a very promising future in my chosen field of study, I'm doing very well in school, I have alot of love from other family members and a good group of close friends, and day by day, I'm taking steps to achieve all my goals. One day, I will be very successful and I will hold my head up high knowing he was not a part of that. There should be no reason for me to be upset because I dont have him in my life. If I can struggle without him, then I can celebrate without him. If he was a 'real man', then he would own up to his responsibility as a father, be active in my life and take pride in his son. I am damn proud of myself and I don't need him to validate my life.'

    Sahem, I hope you and your dad come to an agreement of some sort. This is something that you might want to talk to your dad about and have a very long and deep heart to heart with. I wish you nothing but the best. Just remember that at LEAST your dad takes in interest in your life. More than I can say about mine.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 01, 2009 8:38 PM GMT
    "If he was a 'real man', then he would own up to his responsibility as a father, be active in my life and take pride in his son. I am damn proud of myself and I don't need him to validate my life."
    _______________________________________________________
    Beautifully said.
    I think that every kid wants and needs the love and approval and acceptance of their parents. And, it hurts when they can't or won't give it (for whatever reason). But, we can't "make" them be good parents.
  • kaccioto

    Posts: 284

    May 01, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    success is the best revenge

    repeat

    success is the best revenge

    repeat

    success is the best revenge

    repeat

    success is the best revenge

    repeat

    success is the best revenge

    repeat until you can laugh and spite him in his face, at which point you'd be surprised that you actually just pity him, above anything else.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    May 01, 2009 9:04 PM GMT
    I gots all you bitches beat, as I've never met my father. No picture either!
    Hmmm, wonder if I've hooked up with him over the years and didn't know it.
    Hawt!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    For the guys who had bad dads, i agree that "success is the best revenge".

    I am lucky to have two great parents. But, these posts are making me realize how important it is to get closer to my mother and father while they're still around. Good thread guys.

    However, my dad was very awkward about having a gay son. I don't think he really accepted it until my partner came over to my parents' house for the first time and started doing yard work with us. I swear that I witnessed the moment when a light bulb turned on in my dad's head. He was watching us whip the yard into shape fast and his face had this express on that said "Oh. Yes. Now I have another son! This may not be so bad".

    A few weeks ago I brought a crew of my (gay) friends over to the house to trim up my parents' apple trees. That same light bulb came on.

    Hey, look at the pic below! Is that Barker and nkyoutdoors from Real Jock trimming apple trees? Why, yes it is! You can bet that my dad wasn't awkward around nkyoutdoors (who knows all there is to know about tree care) as he asked tons of (free) questions about how to take care of the trees on his property. ;)

    Moral to the story: Bring your boyfriend or partner over to your parents' house to do some heavy lifting or yard work. The light bulb will come on.

    P3140249.JPG
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    May 01, 2009 9:55 PM GMT
    Rockbiter saidMoral to the story: Bring your boyfriend or partner over to your parents' house to do some heavy lifting or yard work. The light bulb will come on.

    Yes, very wise! I've used that approach with the parents & family of both my late & current partners and some of my BFs, and it's extremely effective. My own parents died before I came out, however, so I never got to try it with them.

    Few things are as masculine as physical labor, like yard work, that has the potential to present gay men outside the usual foo-foo stereotypes others may have of us. And I also think shared labor tends to be bonding among all men, something I've frequently experienced myself, and I'm sure that manly kind of bond can be evident to observers, like fathers.

    That's a special masculine phenomenon that straight men can understand and appreciate, versus thinking of our gay relationships solely in sexual terms, which can be difficult for them to accept, their imaginations not wanting to think of us in the bedroom, or even holding hands. But 2 guys working in the yard together is something they can relate to and welcome.

    And BTW, I've used labor deliberately as a way to get closer to guys I've liked, regardless of any family considerations. I think men really are programmed by nature to bond by shared activity, and manual labor seems to bring about a special attachment.
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    May 01, 2009 10:09 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 saidI just got off the phone with my father. Had no intention of talking about my sexuality with him, but when I told him that I was selling my house he asked me point blank about the guy I was living with and what he was going to do. I had no idea he even knew about that, which basically means that he has known all along that I was gay and in a relationship. I was burned up a bit by that, but not as badly as I was when I asked him how long he knew I was gay. He said he had known since I was about three... and instantly my gorge rose. This was the same man who all but refused to even acknowledge my existence as a child, used to call me a fag on a daily basis, and told me at age thirteen when I was being tormented in school that I deserved every bit of it.

    Needless to say that we've never been really close, though a lot of the antipathy and anger I've had toward him in my youth has dissipated as I have grown up. I have worked very hard in the last 13 years on having a relationship based on me being the best kind of son I can be today rather than basing on the crappy father he was back then. But now, I am so furious again! I have never wanted to bite a man in the neck and spit the blood back in his face until now! icon_evil.gif

    There is no question or need for advice right now... I just need to vent around people who (hopefully) know the feeling.



    I am so sorry Adam that your Dad got you so upset! Hopefully, one day e will realize what a great guy his son has become! How did the interview go? I hope you were able to channel your anger into a positive and use it in your interview! (does that make any sense?). Oh well, I hope you had a great interview!! icon_biggrin.gif
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    May 01, 2009 10:29 PM GMT
    My father knew i like boys all along and told me '' If i ever needed someone to talk to he was always there..'', ..Our relationship was great until he remarried....So, dont let it make you crazy, Remain being a wonderfully special person with feelings....Just walk across the room and put on your color me barbara[CD], and pour yourself a glass of merlot..Oh and dont forget the opera lenght white gloves and tiera.....lol
    BE HAPPYicon_exclaim.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 02, 2009 5:37 AM GMT
    I suspect that dads see being gay as being less than a man; being girly; being a sissy; wearing a dress...

    What I mean is that they have all kinds of ignorant expectations of what it means to be gay.

    My ex boyfriend's mother didn't like the idea that her son was gay. And, she wasn't wild about meeting me. But, after she had been around me a couple of times, she held out her arms to give me a big hug. I think that it helps a lot to expose them to it; to show them that we're normal.
  • underbearboy

    Posts: 74

    May 02, 2009 10:32 AM GMT
    Rockbiter saidHowever, my dad was very awkward about having a gay son. I don't think he really accepted it until my partner came over to my parents' house for the first time and started doing yard work with us. I swear that I witnessed the moment when a light bulb turned on in my dad's head. He was watching us whip the yard into shape fast and his face had this express on that said "Oh. Yes. Now I have another son! This may not be so bad".



    Well, my father was a man of his generation - WWII man - but was suprisingly supportive of me and my partner, and my older brother and his partner (yes, 2 gay sons) with us as ADULTS. Same with my mother.

    Growing up was another matter. My parents had a hate-filled, unhappy marriage, so having queer sons didn't help the matter. I had this love-hate relationship with my mother, and felt indifferent with my father... about the only thing I ever remember doing with him that I enjoyed was hiking on occasion. We were clearly uncomfortable with each other. But it didn't help that ministers and shrinks of that time were ALL calling homosexuality a mental illness (if not a sin).

    Later though, my father who was a handyman-electician just LOVED to escape my mother on Saturdays and work on my brother and partner's old house! Though one day Paul (brother's partner and an air force man) jokingly made a quiche for lunch, and my father got offended! icon_eek.gificon_evil.gificon_rolleyes.gif

    Many years later, when my mother died, I had to become my father's caretaker on weekends (he was suffering from Parkinson's). We were 'forced' to acknowledge our feelings growing up - I mean if you can learn to wipe your father's ass, you can do anything - and I'm glad that we got to know each other better during that time. I came to perhaps not love him, but 'like' him. We didn't have much time though... he passed six months later (pretty much right after we got him in a veterans' home)

    Sometimes parents come around - though it can require each of us to be first open to them about our lives.