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Couples excluding singles when socializing

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May 01, 2009 4:01 AM GMT

After many (~7) years without a serious relationship, I'm getting comfortable being in one again with a great guy. So we're socializing with each others friends and getting invited to a lot of events, and it's been great.

Last weekend, we went to a cookout of about 16-18 guys or so, and I made the observation that the only guys there were in relationships. There were no singles.

My boyfriend then told me about one of the hosts who had previously commented to his partner about only wanting to socialize with other couples. I was a little offended about this exclusionary preference. What kind of thinking is this? I guess I want to make sure that I don't become like that. Any others notice this happening with friends/acquaintances?

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May 01, 2009 4:17 AM GMT

Hey 1969er, (congrats first, eh?:wink

When Bill and I circulated more in Vancouver we had a group of guys we occasionally hung with and most were couples. The rest (most) of our time we spent with singles.
When we were single we often only hung around other singles (more potential and possibilities!:wink

We were single before we met; we feel we haven't changed except for our bond.

We find the best gatherings are those where singles and couples mix.

-Doug

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May 01, 2009 4:55 AM GMT

although I'm not entirely sure why they would exclude singles

I think its about that whole.. they don't trust there partner not to cheat on them..

mind you, I honestly don't care cause if someone has that mentality I've really no interest in them as a person anyway

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May 01, 2009 5:00 AM GMT

Hey I saw that episode of sex in the city too

kaccioto

Posts: 284

May 01, 2009 5:17 AM GMT

1969er said

My boyfriend then told me about one of the hosts who had previously commented to his partner about only wanting to socialize with other couples. Any others notice this happening with friends/acquaintances?

happens all the time now, and when invitations began, i was surprised at how many other young couples with closed relationships there were in this slutty town.

i was never the type to find 3rd or 5th wheelers 'akward.' in fact, i verbally mock their status every chance i get, in pseudo good nature of course. what i've noticed with 'couples only' parties is that the host couple are the type to view couples as a type of coveted status, probably to make up for the fact that no one wanted to sleep with them when single, because of their second tier careers, or general lack of anything else interesting in their lives. of course, there are exceptions, and certain occasions deem it appropriate.

that said, some of the best parties are of the mixed bag; you get different perspectives which make for good conversations - the vagabond whore who woke up at another random apartment downtown; the vocal, polar-opinionated couple who others pick sides and banter with; and the aloof, codependent couple who the entire party makes fun of. every party has one. variety = good times.

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May 01, 2009 2:23 PM GMT

The thing that I don't like is when one of your good friends finds a boyfriend and then vanishes only to return like nothing happened when they break up.

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May 01, 2009 2:27 PM GMT

growingbig we got into a real debate last year about that phenomenon.

One day I saw this "True friends are like stars; even when you don't see them they're still there."

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May 01, 2009 2:51 PM GMT

LilTanker:

Your Observation is spot on! I feel the same way!

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May 01, 2009 2:56 PM GMT

1969er saidAny others notice this happening with friends/acquaintances?

I noticed it with myself, that I was very rarely invited to join functions with gay couples when I was single. Once I had a partner the other gay couples suddenly discovered us. But my partner & I actually go out of our way to do just the opposite ourselves.

It's true most of our friends are gay or lesbian couples. But some of our closest friends are also single, both gay & lesbian, and we always try to include them in any social functions we hold, especially around the holidays. And sometimes we'll go out with only that single person alone, making a 3-some.

In fact, just last night we were part of a large fundraiser dinner for HIV/AIDS, with a spectacular "Moulin Rouge" theme and 300 guests, at which I bought a table for 10. I had invited two single "orphans" to join us, though one, a lesbian, couldn't attend at the last minute due to the flu (not the swine it appears).

Four other of our guests were "temporary" orphans, since their gay partners couldn't attend, due to other commitments or travel, and one brought a single lesbian as his guest. In fact, the only other couple at the table besides ourselves was straight, our town's former mayor and now a city commissioner, with his wife.

Virtually all the gay couples we know here now in Florida follow meninlove's practice, of including a mix of singles and couples. I don't know if that's a regional thing, or an older age thing, or a new thing or what, but that's what most of us do.

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May 01, 2009 2:56 PM GMT

I think it's ridiculous to only socialize with other couples. I love my single friends. As long as they respect our relationship and my boyfriend, it's not an issue. Bitter, unhappy singles are another story, however. I really like my boyfriend's single friends and they've been great about befriending me.

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May 01, 2009 3:05 PM GMT

Red Vespa said, "Virtually all the gay couples we know here now in Florida follow meninlove's practice, of including a mix of singles and couples. I don't know if that's a regional thing, or an age thing, or a new thing or what, but that's what most of us do."

We do this partly because we all too well remember what it was like (and still can be, as couples sometimes don't get invites to singles gatherings) not be included. The most fun of all is being out with a few singles and seeing two of them tentatively begin connecting (which is particularly gratifying if we were the ones that introduced them). Man, it brings back some SWEEEETT and still fresh memories!

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May 01, 2009 3:11 PM GMT

Sometimes it is the other way around. Singles avoiding coupled people because they are so obsessed with finding a boyfriend and being coupled you are not in that category.

Also there is the hotness factor. The hotter you are the more some people want to be your friend or a friend to the hot guys friends etc .. If people could just understand the value of being friends to all sorts of people, then none of this would be a problem.

clof

Posts: 23

May 01, 2009 3:21 PM GMT

Yeah, knew about it. Some of my friends do that, they have that ONLY FOR COUPLES parties sometimes. I seldom went to that kinda parties, even when i was in a relationship. It's more like they wanna show that they are not single anymore, just like on the 18 year-old birthday, people always want to do some grown up things to celebrate that....

njnick

Posts: 167

May 01, 2009 3:25 PM GMT

Sometimes my friends might only do couples or invite singles so that the total number of guests is an even number if it's for a dinner party (heaven forbid the table is unbalanced!), but usually singles are welcomed. We all have single friends who are looking, and what better way to have them find happiness then by adding the singles to the group.

The only reason I can think that they would personally want to exclude singles is their either tempted t hit on them or jealous of hearing all the exciting stories that the single friends might have.....hahah

And 1969er contrats on meeting that great guy! Best of luck to you!

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May 01, 2009 3:28 PM GMT

meninlove said
Red Vespa said, "Virtually all the gay couples we know here now in Florida follow meninlove's practice, of including a mix of singles and couples. I don't know if that's a regional thing, or an age thing, or a new thing or what, but that's what most of us do."

We do this partly because we all too well remember what it was like (and still can be, as couples sometimes don't get invites to singles gatherings) not be included.

Part of the reason in my case is kinda unique, a US Army Officer tradition. During the holidays, especially at Thanksgiving, Officer families will invite single junior enlisted soldiers into their homes for dinner.

Otherwise these young kids, mostly Privates, would spend the holiday in the barracks, and eat their meal in the mess hall. Not that the Army didn't try to make the barracks holiday meal special, too, usually with extra portions of whole turkeys with all the trimmings, but it isn't exactly home with Mom & Dad, either.

So this was instilled in me as a duty, that if you were able to provide this benefit for others, then you were obliged to do so. At every holiday my partner & I always check on all our single friends, to see what their plans are, and include them in ours if they wish.

And for the time when I was single again, after my first partner died, all our gay friends did the same for me. I guess I've been fortunate, in that the gay community has been more supportive & loving to me than the straight community ever was.

kaccioto

Posts: 284

May 01, 2009 3:36 PM GMT

jprichva said
God, I love Wall Street.

too bad she didn't love ya back, you deserve better. hope ya found a job by now; apparently there are hundreds of thousands coming down the 'pipeline.'

it's not about loving wall street, just the guys in dc who love us back, even when we don't respect any of 'em; oh the dichotomy of it all.

http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/478043/

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May 01, 2009 3:39 PM GMT

I've noticed it happen a lot. I went to a large gathering under the same restrictions recently. I thought it was odd and, frankly, pretentious. There's an idea in both straight and gay communities that being coupled makes you "established" and legitimate. By being single you would be both un-whole and un-interesting. It's also a comfort issue for those with this policy. They feel better being around others in a similar situation. The idea exists when it comes to children as well. If you don't have kids, what's wrong with you? Etc...

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May 01, 2009 4:53 PM GMT

To throw in a somewhat contrary perspective, is it always exactly the way you guys describe it?

Maybe one of the hosts thinks too much about how his guests are going to interact, and doesn't want one of their single friends to feel out of place.

Maybe they only have one single friend, so don't want to invite just that one friend.

Maybe the single friends they have don't like to socialize in large groups, so they make comments to their partner, who they think won't take them too seriously, about not wanting any singles there that night.

I find sometimes that my few single friends are actually super-conscious of their singleness, and this is obvious sometimes when big groups get together. And not in a good way.

Sometimes I just want to hang out with certain people too. Almost all of my straight friends that are coupled have kids, so actually putting together a party where all of my coupled friends can come to is really really rare. There is only so much space in our apartment, so it can be tough to coordinate.

I can imagine more going on than just couples excluding singles.
Seems like a waste of brain power to worry about. If the 'friend' that's hosting seems like a dick in other ways, then drop him. If this is the only way in which he seems like a dick, give him the benefit of the doubt.

boilerup_82

Posts: 188

May 01, 2009 5:18 PM GMT

i have many friends in relationships and many who are single. Let me tell you, the ones in relationships turned into the most boring people on earth! why is that? all they wanna do is stay home and watch a movie or bang or what not.

someone also mentioned this above, how when someone finds a bf/gf, they disappear and when they break up, they come back to the group like if nothing happened. wtf is that!?

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May 01, 2009 5:54 PM GMT

Wear padded underwear, your balls are either too heavy or too fragile.

..................................................

Singles will steal your stuff!
Case in point: http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/508621/

Sorry, that was a douchy intro, but you can't blame some gay couples for being exclusive. I hate generalizations like I've heard in this forum: all heavy people are lazy, all fems are drama queens, all masc are not (HA!)...but I think generalizations and likelyhoods are different.
It is a fact or atleast a belief I have derived from life experience that single gay men and coupled gay men have different priorities.
Single gay men, even single straight men and women are very hedonistic. I'm not slighting them for that, after all, they don't have anyone's welfare to worry about but their own and its rational behavior for them to seek out what they want.

Couples are different, just as pleasure seeking, but their motives differ. They are looking out for that other person or part of their happiness is that other person's happiness. Because their happiness is two fold, once they come together, it is usually satisfied. Single people are LQQKING, their happiness is harder to satisfy because it is still under construction. Because of this, their actions to try and fulfill their happiness can be unwieldy.

I think single men tend to think in the short term and couples in the long. Because of this, couples should definitely be leery of single gays at gatherings. Everyone at your friend's party used to be single....so what's the difference?

I don't blame your friend, he is just trying to deter a potential problem (some single hatching short term plans for his man).

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May 01, 2009 6:04 PM GMT

When you're partnered your just in a different "space" than single guys. Life moves forward from the nightly "d__k hunting" mode to many other things. It is a great place in life.

Webster666

Posts: 9225

May 01, 2009 8:10 PM GMT

My group of friends has never done that.
I don't understand the reasoning behind excluding some wonderful single guys.

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May 01, 2009 8:33 PM GMT

My closest friends are a couple and I don't mind if I am excluded from some of their activities.
I do think some couples are uncomfortable around single guys for several reasons. One, we remind them of what it was like to be single and two, they are insecure in their relationship and we might be wolves among the sheep. I am absolutely harmless in that regard so I am seen as being non-threating.
My friends will call me to do something like dinner or an activitiy I might be interested and I include them from time to time in some of my events and activities. Just two weeks ago I invited them to go to a baseball game with me and in the fall I invite them to at least one football game.
I appreciate them and they appreciate me.

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May 01, 2009 8:59 PM GMT

Well last night at that "Moulin Rouge" fundraiser I mentioned above, I danced with a couple of the "temporary orphans" we had invited to our table, whose partners couldn't attend for various reasons. And my partner was sitting right there, all of us know each other, a very public thing to be doing on the dance floor with 300 mostly GLBT people in the room, even media photographers snapping us.

And it was no big deal, because we know that all these couples are in very stable LTRs, and they never hit on me, and I don't hit on them. No jealousy, no guilt, no suspicions, we enjoy the relaxation that comes with honesty & faithfulness. And I also know that all of us have single gay friends, one of whom was at our table, a mutual friend to us all, and we likewise know he's no threat to anyone, much as TexSportsNut says about himself.

But then we're an older circle of friends, and I suppose we're in a post-games time of our lives, when we just don't have those fears about singles, nor of other couples, for that matter. A nice place to be, I think.

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May 02, 2009 12:02 AM GMT

WOW.. never before have I felt so... grouped I suppose.. into someone whos an untrustworthy, cock hunting, selfish prick who only thinks for himself and apparently my own goals is to find the latest dick...

as someone who was in a long term relationship, I can tell you, my priorities is life have not changed..

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Couples excluding singles when socializing