Ex's as best friends

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    May 05, 2009 7:09 PM GMT
    So my 21st birthday is coming up (friday for anyone that wants to send gifts icon_biggrin.gif), and since i'm spending it with my ex (who i talk to on a daily basis and see at least three or four times a semester even though he lives a thousand miles away) i got to wondering-

    Is spending a significant amount of time with someone you've dated/slept with/talked about marriage with something anyone else does? I'm not about to stop, but just wondering if anyone else does it, and what have been the ups and downs of it?
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    May 05, 2009 7:19 PM GMT
    You're not even 21 and you were already talking about marriage with this guy. DAMN!!! This must be some guy and if you've already gone to that extent with this, I would say it would be difficult for you not to be friends. However, you do wanna be careful about not overdoing it and devoting a similar amount of time/energy on him as you would if you were still dating, bc that will certainly cramp your love life.
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    May 05, 2009 7:21 PM GMT
    i do the same with my ex

    and seeing that he's a lawyer- free legal advice can't be beat. hmmm now all i need is an ex who is a doctor and i'll be set!
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    May 05, 2009 7:21 PM GMT
    You'll have a lot of explaining to do to your next boyfriend. Even then, it still could be a big red flag.
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    May 05, 2009 7:24 PM GMT
    I just got back from vacation with my boyfriend and my ex-wife. I think the circumstances of the break-up and maturity of all parties dictate how well a relationship post-relationship can play out, and it sounds like you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders, Kyle.

    In my case, I can't imagine my life without the ex in it, and she's the person whose advice I trust the most -- after close to a decade together, she knows me pretty well. When I get in trouble with the boyfriend, she can usually tell me exactly why I got in trouble, for instance. And when I told her I was thinking of asking him to marry me, she just asked me what took me so long and threatened bodily violence if she didn't get to give me away.

    So yeah, those relationships after relationships can work.

    Edit: As for being a red flag for future relationships, that can be true. However, it also is a litmus test for the securities/insecurities of the new guy, too -- and that can be valuable. If he's threatened by a previous relationship, maybe he's got issues that need clarification.
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    May 05, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    My X and I remain best friends. We were together for a very long time and when I chose to leave, he was very angry...but with time, he understood, my decision to leave was the best (for both of us) and we resumed our friendship.

    I've remained single since we split (8 years ago) but he's already been in a few relationships since and I've met all the guy's he's dated and even went on a weekend trip to Lake Travis (in Austin) with him and one BF. They've all been very cool with our relationship as it is...I think when they meet me and see I am not a "threat", they get over the concern easily.

    Since he is in Houston and I'm here in Dallas, we try to talk on the phone @ least once a week, we text, e.mail and typically I go down to Houston about once every 6 weeks and spend a few days with him while I'm there.

    It's great.
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    May 05, 2009 7:29 PM GMT
    Yes, my best friend and one of my closest friends are ex's. I don't see any reason you can't maintain a very close relationship with someone you've dated depending on how the relationship ended of course. I'd say you have to be careful though because it's easy to let that familiarity and closeness prevent you from moving on even though you really aren't together anymore. You might want to take a step a back and look at your situation. Talking to and seeing your ex shouldn't be taking the place of meeting and dating new people otherwise you could be hanging on to something that isn't there anymore. You might be setting yourself up to get hurt or miss out on some great guy because you weren't paying attention.
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    May 05, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    The x and I are still good friends., We talk 1-2 times a week, and get along better now than we did in the relationship.
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    May 05, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    I"m trying to get there now with the guy I just broke up with... it's not going easily, but God willing, we are going to get there.
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    May 05, 2009 7:34 PM GMT
    I'm friends with my exes, and my exes are friends with their exes. I don't think it is unhealthy because there are things I don't even think about with them. Plus they give good advice, for the most part. If they are jealous of my newest beaux, I have to tell them to give me space, though.
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    May 05, 2009 7:37 PM GMT
    I don't think it's weird at all. I'm best friends with my exes. I even hooked them up and they have been together for over 10 years. It means that everyone involved is mature enough to move on and let a strong friendship blossom from that now dead romance.

    Now, if you date someone who has problems with you being close to your ex, THAT is a red flag. Whenever that happens I ditch them without even thinking about it. Someone like that is going to be insecure, jealous and possessive. Kick that psycho to the curb like you're going for a field goal.
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    May 05, 2009 7:38 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite said
    Now, if you date someone who has problems with you being close to your ex, THAT is a red flag. Whenever that happens I ditch them without even thinking about it. Someone like that is going to be insecure, jealous and possessive. Kick that psycho to the curb like you're going for a field goal.



    lol, exactly.
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    May 05, 2009 7:42 PM GMT
    Total agreement with the boys on here. I'm friends with almost everyone I've dated. Why not? Obviously you liked them for some reason, so ... even if things didn't work out in the relationship, it's no reason to not be close.

    I'm actually flying one of my ex's who's a very good friend out here for pride next month. (Have to take him out of the midwest to show him what a REAL pride is like. icon_wink.gif )

  • May 05, 2009 7:50 PM GMT
    My... Ex... is my roomie! We dated for two years and that was about 10 years ago. We have never had sex at all since we broke up. We are more like brothers now. I usually tell people I chat with right away about our past relationship. Most people ask if he is jealous if I am dating someone or if I am jealous if he is seeing someone... and the answer is NO! Cause we do not have that kind of romantic relationship anymore... Most guys don't understand it...
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    May 05, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidI don't think it's weird at all. I'm best friends with my exes. I even hooked them up and they have been together for over 10 years. It means that everyone involved is mature enough to move on and let a strong friendship blossom from that now dead romance.

    Now, if you date someone who has problems with you being close to your ex, THAT is a red flag. Whenever that happens I ditch them without even thinking about it. Someone like that is going to be insecure, jealous and possessive. Kick that psycho to the curb like you're going for a field goal.


    Incredibly judgemental.
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    May 05, 2009 8:34 PM GMT
    I acutally see a big red flag when someone tells me they're NOT friends with their X's....that usually means there is something there and it probably isn't very pretty.icon_wink.gif
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    May 05, 2009 8:45 PM GMT
    smalltownboy saidI acutally see a big red flag when someone tells me they're NOT friends with their X's....that usually means there is something there and it probably isn't very pretty.icon_wink.gif


    Yeah...and perhaps it's called "I grew up." Is it a red flag to see the errors of your past and decide to keep them in the rear view mirror, for example?

    Amazing how you boys are filling in the blanks based on your own limited experiences and then using it as doctrine. Sometimes two people simply aren't right for each other (in any capacity), they both realize it, and they move on. Sometimes there are chapters to our lives and sometimes those chapters end.

    FYI I'm friends with some exes, but not others.

    I find it absolutely incredible how many guys on here think they have figured out what's best for all because they happened to be in their own unique particular situation. Reckless.
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    May 05, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    smalltownboy saidI acutally see a big red flag when someone tells me they're NOT friends with their X's....that usually means there is something there and it probably isn't very pretty.icon_wink.gif


    You're right, it is very ugly. That's why he's my ex, and I'll never be friends with him again.
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    May 05, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    TheIStrat said
    smalltownboy saidI acutally see a big red flag when someone tells me they're NOT friends with their X's....that usually means there is something there and it probably isn't very pretty.icon_wink.gif


    You're right, it is very ugly. That's why he's my ex, and I'll never be friends with him again.


    This makes you a psychopath, apparently. For reference, see above posts.
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    May 05, 2009 8:50 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 saidI"m trying to get there now with the guy I just broke up with... it's not going easily, but God willing, we are going to get there.


    Well, if it doesn't work out, there's probably something wrong with you. See above for reference.
  • torontoguy222...

    Posts: 410

    May 05, 2009 8:50 PM GMT
    I sorta like staying in touch with my exes. Something attracted me to the person in the first place, and even though the relationship may not have worked out, I think they remain great people. Plus, when I've been so intimate and open with someone else, I'd hate to just brush all of that aside as if it never happened. Good friendships are hard to find, so if it happens to be with an Ex who you already know all about, it could just pave the way for a great, non-sexual relationship. =D
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    May 05, 2009 8:56 PM GMT
    though i've only had one relationship, i still keep in touch with him. I try to call him atleast once a week. We probably see each other once every 4 months, or whenever we're both visiting Raleigh the same weekend.

    So its not a bad thing to talk to ex's all the time, i can tell him anything and we still get along great, i even think his new bf is nice and cool to talk to. But then again, my ex is a slut and thinks that me talking to him means i still want to fuck the hell out of him, (let alone anyone that talks to him), but hopefully you don't have that problem.

    I vent to him a lot, and well I think i would stay in touch with most of the guys i have a relationship with, unless it ends bad (ex- they cheat on me).

    So ya, its probably a good thing to still maintain contact, shows a lot about someone's character who can and continues to do that.
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    May 05, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    if you love someone enough to devote a substantial part of your life and energy on, you should love them enough to try to make the relationship loving, even on the way out or once you've both moved on.

    if you make the mistake of getting involved with a psychopath that's different, but if you find you just can't make it work with someone you love and care about very much, "till death do us part" doesn't have to mean as a couple... it can mean just that "I'll love you and stand by you, as someone who loves you, till death separates us".

    A commitment is a commitment (and when I say commitment, I mean commitment to love someone through it ALL not just "as long as you don't leave me") that you have the nerve to stand by that relationship, *especially* when it would be easier to write it off, says more to your content of character than anything.

    If you're repeatedly getting involved with men who are assholes who you feel compelled to write off... then maybe there is something wrong with you... and you "up there".
  • WCBacus

    Posts: 21

    May 05, 2009 9:05 PM GMT
    KyleAD saidSo my 21st birthday is coming up (friday for anyone that wants to send gifts icon_biggrin.gif), and since i'm spending it with my ex (who i talk to on a daily basis and see at least three or four times a semester even though he lives a thousand miles away) i got to wondering-

    Is spending a significant amount of time with someone you've dated/slept with/talked about marriage with something anyone else does? I'm not about to stop, but just wondering if anyone else does it, and what have been the ups and downs of it?


    Personally, i do it with a few of my exs. Our friendship didnt happen immediately, it took some time. But im great friends with a lot of my exs and talk to 3 of them on a very regular basis.

    Ive just encountered problems from BFs/ guys ive dated because they feel threatened and have the viewpoint well, things didnt work out for you so dont talk to them at all. Which i do not agree with. yea, the relationship ended for whatever reason but thats no reason you cannot be friends with someone.
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    May 05, 2009 9:07 PM GMT
    RuggerATX said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidI don't think it's weird at all. I'm best friends with my exes. I even hooked them up and they have been together for over 10 years. It means that everyone involved is mature enough to move on and let a strong friendship blossom from that now dead romance.

    Now, if you date someone who has problems with you being close to your ex, THAT is a red flag. Whenever that happens I ditch them without even thinking about it. Someone like that is going to be insecure, jealous and possessive. Kick that psycho to the curb like you're going for a field goal.


    Incredibly judgemental.


    Not so much a judgment as an assessment of someone's emotional stability. How is it not controlling and possessive when the guy you're dating would dictate who you can and cannot be friends with? How is it not the height of insecurity when they feel threatened by your past relationships?

    I also take exception to thinking this is a blanket statement that everyone should be friends with all their exes. To readdress that I said everyone involved has to be mature enough to move on. Obviously sometimes there are going to be exceptions when one party makes it impossible to do that. I would further clarify that in situations of domestic abuse, infidelity and stealing from each other, maybe staying friends would not be advisable. The real problem I have is with people who have a problem with someone they are dating being friends with their exes. In the past I tried to date people like this, and that mentality carried over into them being jealous of my friendships with everything with a dick and a heartbeat. These people can't be reasoned with. Whatever emotional luggage they are carrying to make them feel and act this way you can't fix.