Losing a friend or gaining a new one?

  • TallSoCal

    Posts: 321

    May 06, 2009 8:38 AM GMT
    So, a friend of mine just came out and told me that he's been living in the wrong body, and that he hasn't felt like himself since he was a kid. Turns out he's wanted to undergo the surgery to become a woman. This took me by surprise because I've always thought he was straight. I mean, I had always hoped he'd be into guys cause I used to like him, but I never would have seen THIS coming. He said he feels like a woman stuck in a man's body, and that he still likes women but has other needs, too. I've only known for two days now, but we've been talking a lot about it since then. Through text messages, I can't even tell that it's him anymore, and I'm starting to miss him already. But at the same time, I'm happy for him because he's finally going to be able to feel comfortable and happy. I've assured him that I'd stick by his side through out all of this, but I can't help but to feel a little sad that my friend isn't really there anymore. icon_sad.gif
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    May 06, 2009 8:49 AM GMT
    No, she's still there as your friend. icon_wink.gif
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    May 06, 2009 9:52 AM GMT
    well, even though Chaax's comment made me giggle, hes pretty spot on.

    but I also understand how your feeling, but, not only that, you've now a perfect opportunity to understand how people feel when you came out to them and how you would have changed..

    Continue to be his/her friend, stick with'em, in the end, he/she still is the same person, but one large aspect is going to change who they are in a very fundamental way.. well.. for you anyway.. for her, it will be a great release..
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 06, 2009 10:58 AM GMT
    Now all this talk about gays being shallow ....

    Well this is your big chance to prove them wrong
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 06, 2009 12:28 PM GMT
    With my own lack of experience or understanding, I would take it as time to really learn and expand your horizons. You could come out with a better friendship and a richer understanding....

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 06, 2009 5:35 PM GMT
    Well, as he/she transitions, she will become who she really is. The outside will finally match the inside.

    And thus your friend will become someone new. You'll have, in some ways, a new friend. Still the same soul, same mind, only freed to be. Living her truth.

    What changes also is your perception and interpretation. What you saw and knew as a man will become a woman. With that and her newfound life freedom will be some changes in personality, behavior, etc. Those will be the most difficult for you to reconcile, but you can do it!

    Show your friend the love you'd want shown to you!
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    May 06, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    Mo_Fugga saidSo, a friend of mine just came out and told me that he's been living in the wrong body, and that he hasn't felt like himself since he was a kid. Turns out he's wanted to undergo the surgery to become a woman. This took me by surprise because I've always thought he was straight. I mean, I had always hoped he'd be into guys cause I used to like him, but I never would have seen THIS coming. He said he feels like a woman stuck in a man's body, and that he still likes women but has other needs, too. I've only known for two days now, but we've been talking a lot about it since then. Through text messages, I can't even tell that it's him anymore, and I'm starting to miss him already. But at the same time, I'm happy for him because he's finally going to be able to feel comfortable and happy. I've assured him that I'd stick by his side through out all of this, but I can't help but to feel a little sad that my friend isn't really there anymore. icon_sad.gif


    If you still truly want to be close friends, you'll be there for him no matter what. He's just going into a Transition/Woman/Transexual phase. I mean, if he doesn't tell you about it, he doesn't consider you a close friend. I think you should back him up and support his decision. Don't feel sad, maybe after the operation, you will get a new completely BFF.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 06, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    I do think it's a difficult thing to try and empathize with, but don't let it stand in your way. Just because you can't understand it doesn't mean you can't accept it.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    May 06, 2009 5:59 PM GMT
    Mo_Fugga

    Don't desert your friend at this stage. She'll need all the fashion and make-up tips she can, in order to look fab as a woman.

    She needs you.

    Lozx
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    May 06, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    Yeah it's not really a problem...

    WAIT... STOP!!!

    You've only known for TWO DAYS?!

    Are you sure it's not a slightly postponed April Fool's Prank? icon_confused.gif I know 'Lesbian' MTF's exist, but they're pretty rare... I think.
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    May 06, 2009 6:17 PM GMT
    I have never understood this, and have often found myself labeling them as social misfits or individuals with extremely severe cases of borderline personality disorder. Many transsexuals are straight, undergo the full surgery, become a member of the opposite sex, then identify as gay. Or they end up destroying their families for a period, or lose their jobs ... the list goes on an on.

    Masochistic much?

    It's not my cup of tea and, luckily, I have no friends that are even remotely close to undergoing a sex change operation, but if I were presented with such a situation, I'd have no choice but to support him. It is important that you be a friend, because it's entirely possible that friends are all this guy's going to have as his support system in the short term.

    I wish him luck, and admire your open mind.
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    May 06, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    Tapper saidI have never understood this, and have often found myself labeling them as social misfits or individuals with extremely severe cases of borderline personality disorder. Many transsexuals are straight, undergo the full surgery, become a member of the opposite sex, then identify as gay. Or they end up destroying their families for a period, or lose their jobs ... the list goes on an on.

    Masochistic much?

    It's not my cup of tea and, luckily, I have no friends that are even remotely close to undergoing a sex change operation, but if I were presented with such a situation, I'd have no choice but to support him. It is important that you be a friend, because it's entirely possible that friends are all this guy's going to have as his support system in the short term.

    I wish him luck, and admire your open mind.


    See, this is why I like Tapper-Honesty with tact.

    The transsexuals I know are not gay. They all have partner with opposite sex partners after the sex reassignment surgery. They are all very well adjusted and have very active lives. Some I didn't know before, but the strength they each have is admirable.

    Once you are over the shock, Mo, you'll come around to really understanding that your friend is still there, just with a different covering.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    May 06, 2009 7:03 PM GMT
    When I hear about MTF trans-sexuals, they are almost always gay afterwards (meaning that once they've transitioned to female, they are still attracted to women). That part actually makes a lot of sense to me. What form our body takes doesn't necessarily indicate our sexual preference.

    Good job for sticking with your friend through this.

    If it makes you feel any better, even if it wasn't this drastic of a change, your friend was going to change eventually anyways. The person you think he/she is just that: the person you think he/she is. That's not really who they are.

    That's essentially what I think the problem is with people taking time to come around once you come out to them. You've challenged their internal image of what you are, and most people don't like that, and it takes them time to adjust.

    Keep in mind that your friend isn't really changing (besides their body). You just happen to know a bit more about them now. I think it's always better to have your friend than it is to have the illusion of your friend that you want to hold onto.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    May 06, 2009 7:11 PM GMT
    Chaaxwvn saidNo, she's still there as your friend. icon_wink.gif


    Chaax has it right. I went through this with my friend Nick. Though when he was Kim, she was a lesbian. Calling Nick "Nick" was the easy part -- I'd flub the pronoun thing from time to time. But, now Nick has a hairy chest and balding head, so there's no issue re: pronouns.

    We had a lot of great conversations going through his process (he is pre-op), even though some of the talks about gender identity gave me headaches. It can be a bit much to take in. Your friend may or may not be as comfortable with questions. If she is, engage her, and learn from her. Of course there's a lot of information on MTF (Male-to-Female) websites. You can certainly educate yourself.

    It's okay to feel like you're losing a friend, but you're not losing that core person that you've always connected with, just the outer vessel is changing.
  • TallSoCal

    Posts: 321

    May 07, 2009 1:18 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice, guys. It helps out a lot. I DID think he was joking for a while, but turns out he's not.
    lilTanker said

    you've now a perfect opportunity to understand how people feel when you came out to them and how you would have changed..


    I never saw it like that. That makes total sense. It makes me want to have more patience and understanding for my parents, but neh! Baby steps. lol
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 07, 2009 1:53 AM GMT
    The stuff that made you friends in the first place and the experiences you two share don't change no matter how much your friend changes on the outside. I can understand how this might be overwhelming at first, particularly since it is being discussed a lot, but think about it from her view. She has hid this secret all her life and doesn't have to hide it from you any longer. I'm sure you'd be eager to discuss it too to no end if you finally had the chance. In time, it won't be a big deal to either of you.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 07, 2009 2:10 AM GMT
    Until I saw the film, "Normal," I was always kind of creeped out by this subject. I definitely recommend that anyone see that film, starring the always wonderful Jessica Lange, with Tom Wilkinson.

    To the OP,
    Regardless of the plumbing, your friend (whether male of female) will have the same qualities that made him your friend. And, it's a great compliment to you, and I'm sure a great comfort to your friend, that you have chosen to stick by him through this.