Can you get back the magic with someone you swore to spend the rest of your life with?

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    May 06, 2009 3:12 PM GMT
    I was in a 4 1/2 yr relationship with a great guy who i have no doubts is my soulmate. I was a very late bloomer in life and never came out til 2001. We met in 2003, I had never been in a relationship before so I didnt handle things too well. I had profiles on all the sites from gay.com to MH, to DN, etc... He didnt have a computer so I opened him up to all this and added him to my profiles as a couple.

    We played with others but always together, and I had no idea he was adament about having an open relationship. I still being new to just being in a relationship didnt handle it very well. I was very jealous and insecure. I made some terrible mistakes and If i had it to do all over again I would have changed a lot of things, but he was no angel either he decided to open the relationship prior to us agreeing on it but I got over that. I had threatened to break up with him on many occasions, but i always forgave him.

    Then he decided to break up with me in May 2007 and it shattered my world. The guy devoted all my time to, take care of his dogs while he is flying for the airlines, treated him like gold, paid the bills, would do anything in the world for would not give me a second chance to make things right.

    Since then we still share a house together that we bought in 2004 and two dogs we love to death. We do things together, hang out, still have sex. Its like we are still boyfriends to some degree lol except we don't sleep in same bed or say I love you to each other.

    I have seen him go through 2 bf's in two years lol and he was trying to be with them what he isn't, lol and that is a monogamous guy. I still managed to give him advice on his relationships as painful as it was to do so when i have so much emotions and feelings towards him still. When we have sex I have to be so careful not to let him see me get emotional.

    I have since come to terms that it was not the open that bothered me it was the fear of losing him to someone else that he will fall in love with someone else and i will be shattered again.

    Recently we were rocked with a death of a good friend and his grandpap dying and I have been doing some soul searching and I dont want to have regrets or wander what if, life is too short to think everything will be fine. I know the last two years has been good for us to date other people and all but I never gave up hope that we would find our way back to each other.

    My toughest question is can we get back what we had is it possible to find the magic again.

    I have expressed interest in him and talked to him briefly about getting back together as a couple. He is scared and afraid we will go back to the way it was and fight all the time, now he doesnt have any emotions he says lol and no pressure so we dont argue much LOL. But he also said it is hard to not want to kiss me cause he will get emotional.

    I decided to write him a 8 page letter discussing everything from the day we first met to the day we broke up with a lot of history in it. I try to talk to him about it and I got all emotional and choked up inside, so I find it easier to just write it down.

    He will be reading it today along with a picture of the two of us when we were so happy together, (brownie points) LOL, and a red rose for just to see him smile again.

    Anyone who is a open relationship here feel free to give me some well needed advise, so we dont make the same mistakes if we decide to get back together. The ball is in his court.


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    May 06, 2009 3:19 PM GMT
    funny pictures
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    May 06, 2009 3:22 PM GMT


    Oh, wow.

    We're monogamous, but know guys in open relationships that are quite happy and those relationships bear little resemblance to what you've described.

    They're very content with each other, have very honest and honorable foundations to their love (which you didn't have) and I may ask two of 'em to come here and read your post, as my gut instinct is to tell you you are wasting perfectly good love on someone that really doesn't want it, but you want to hear from open relationship participants, so will try to help out. Hang in!

    -Doug of meninlove
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    May 06, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    I've never been in an open relationship. That's not for me, though it may work for others. I suspect it may not be working for you.

    I'm a late-bloomer, too, who fell in love with a guy I met early on. I thought he was free, but it turned out he was still entangled with a former partner. That conflict destroyed our relationship, broke my heart, and taught me lessons I've never forgotten.

    I think the both of us need men who are only interested in US. Fuck open relationships, they don't work for you & me. Maybe for others, but not for us.

    It may be time for you to find a guy who only wants YOU. Take the lessons you've learned from this relationship, which have value, and move on. I think you are a 1-man kind of gay guy, and that's what you need to find.
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    May 06, 2009 3:33 PM GMT
    Hi Red Vespa! *gives Red a hug and a playful elbow*

    I think you're right, he's the 'marrying kind', like us, too..


    -Doug

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    May 06, 2009 3:50 PM GMT
    meninlove said Hi Red Vespa! *gives Red a hug and a playful elbow*

    I think you're right, he's the 'marrying kind', like us, too..

    -Doug

    Anything Doug of meninlove says is Gospel, the wisest guy I know on RJ when it comes to gay relationships. Therefore our OP must indeed be the "marrying kind" and deserve better than he has. Or else his partner needs to change his ways, if he can.

    But do these kinds of guys ever change? I'm reading the words of a man with a big heart, perhaps a too-fragile heart, who will make someone the most wonderful partner ever. The question remains: will his current partner become that man?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 06, 2009 3:51 PM GMT
    Errr...... Lemme get this right

    You're broken up
    Live in the same house
    you still take care of his dogs
    .... and you still are havin' sex?

    If the answer's yes to those questions my man
    I need to have that house you're livin' dropped on your head

    Why in hell's name should this guy say yes to all the gay drama you said you put him thru when he's got the best parts already for free?

    I know you were new to the whole deal and that you didn't live up to your end of the bargain yadda yadda....
    You have to live in the here and now
    This set up you got is definitely not working in your favor
    You need to make him understand what he misses about you
    Make him want you again
    To do that you're going to have to take a chance
    You're going to have to leave him fully to make him miss you
    Only then will there be a chance he'll come around
    Right now it's in HIS best interest to have it just the way it is
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    May 06, 2009 4:19 PM GMT
    damn man i like your thought he does have it made
    why would he want to go back to being bf again
    thats why i asked advice and i need to hear this stuff
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    May 06, 2009 7:07 PM GMT
    The Game is Over.

    .....................................................

    Oh, OP, I can relate. When coming out, especially if late, that first man who extends his hand and welcomes you aboard gains a special place in one's heart.

    I'll never forget my first; I think many here would say the same in regards to theirs. But, when something is over it is over and although the beginnning of something (your gay life) is glorious, it gets better as you grow and get better acclimated to it.

    You've been out for more than five years, so have I, and I can definitely say from my experiences, that I still feel very much like a newcomer. In many ways I am just figuring out what I need to do and what pieces I need to connect to be a happy succesful gay man as opposed to a successful newcomer.

    You seem like a man who is afraid to move to the next level and to do that, you'll have to leave that catalyst, that guide, that coach from the beginning, behind. He should know by now how much happiness he's brought and I'm sure you'll never forget him, but from what I read, he's ready to empty nest.

    OP, you won't fall, you've got enough savvy and experience to thrive and thanks to him, you've got a good blueprint of what your expectations from any boyfriends and eventually another partner should be.

    If you're confusing location with love, don't. I think many men in open relationships confuse a marriage of finances, a marriage of living arrangements, and a marriage of personal living as a true connection. It's not; if there is a true connection, it's palpable for both partners. If it's not, you can dig in your closet and find as many photos of happier times as you want; that's all they are, reflections from the past.

    What does a man who's only had very light relationships before know about it? In my humble beginnings, I was a part of a harem (mmmm, good times), I was boy # 12. The two open relationshipters, who were our fathers used to trade and compare us like baseball cards. I observed from their relationship, that once an arrangment like that goes too far, there is no love, atleast not the kind I think you want. Hell, father #2, envited two boys to his anniversary vacation.

    I think eventually it is his intention to phase his partner completely out, just keep him around like a fixture or, I think more applicable, a butler. In that one and the other open relationships, I've seen (no, I wasn't a part of them icon_redface.gif), there is always an alpha male, one who can seperate himself from the other partner, except when it's convenient. This is the one who thrives, the other, who is often the more sensitive and optomistic of the two, is left to wait. And, wait he will.

    My opinion is, it's over because you are tired of waiting. Don't leave right away, but start seperating your life from his and once that is complete, really examine what's left. You'll most likely see he's got a great life apart from you and you'll find that you've got a hell of a good base for a new beginning, good luck to you.
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    May 06, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    WOW! icon_surprised.gif
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    May 06, 2009 11:50 PM GMT
    redheadedmuscle saidWe played with others but always together, and I had no idea he was adament about having an open relationship. I still being new to just being in a relationship didnt handle it very well. I was very jealous and insecure. I made some terrible mistakes and If i had it to do all over again I would have changed a lot of things, but he was no angel either he decided to open the relationship prior to us agreeing on it but I got over that. I had threatened to break up with him on many occasions, but i always forgave him.


    I think this paragraph nicely summarizes how fucked the situation is. He did not decide to open up the relationship before you agreed. He is a cheating bag of shit and he cheated on you. You, not willing or able to stand up for yourself, allowed yourself to be dragged into an open-relationship without your consent.

    Here is what you do:

    move the hell out of that house. You paid all the bills, right? Did you also pay for the house? If so, tell him it is time he found a new place to live. You guys are still going out even if you don't say "I love you" anymore. It is time you moved on and got into other relationships so you can learn how to be in relationships. The complete lack of communication skills and mutual concern are telltale signs of immaturity when it comes to relationships.

    If you want to continue this loveless relationship (you may love him but he doesn't love you from the sound of it) fine, but you two will never be a couple.

    Move on.
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    May 07, 2009 12:00 AM GMT
    I've been with my partner since Jan.96, and we've never come close to having a relationship like the one you had/are having. It sounds like you need to get away from him asap. He's taking you for a ride down the river denial, buddy, and you're loving it ... until he finds the real love of his life, leaves your ass and crushes your heart.

    You have to learn to let go. It's okay.
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    May 07, 2009 12:18 AM GMT
    I think he's made it abundantly clear that he either can't or won't give you what you're seeking. Justifying his cheating as him just "opening up the relationship" is the height of denial and a breach of the most fundamental level of trust.

    It is long past time to move on and stop being a doormat. Get your ass out of that house and far away from him.
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    May 07, 2009 1:05 AM GMT
    Stories like this makes me say THANK GOD I'm single. WOW! You two are wayyyy to connected. sell the house and do property division ask for joint custody of the dogs. Move on.

    I find it funny how some men will take all the time in the world to decide on a house or a car even a vacation spot. But give little thought as to whom you let into your lives.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 07, 2009 2:43 AM GMT
    "Can you get back the magic...?"
    _____________________________________
    No. The baggage you both brought into the relationship will always be there. That doesn't mean that things can't improve. That doesn't mean that you can't still make it work, and be happy. Each of you make out a list of what you need and want for this relationship to continue. Then, exchange lists, and each of you decide which items on the other's list you are able and willing to GIVE for the other to be happy. And, be honest and realistic. If it will eat you up for him to have an open relationship, don't say yes just to make him happy.

    My belief is that monogamy is not natural for men. I have always insisted on an open relationship. I had one relationship where I was never looking for anything else. But, it was still important to me to have the right, if I wanted to act upon it. I have always said that you can have sex with anybody, or all by yourself. But, good luck finding somebody with the special qualities that make you love and like your chosen partner.
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    May 07, 2009 2:54 AM GMT
    NO

    NO

    NO

    BEEN THERE,

    DONE THAT

    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 07, 2009 3:19 AM GMT
    Tapper saidI've been with my partner since Jan.96, and we've never come close to having a relationship like the one you had/are having. It sounds like you need to get away from him asap. He's taking you for a ride down the river denial, buddy, and you're loving it ... until he finds the real love of his life, leaves your ass and crushes your heart.

    You have to learn to let go. It's okay.


    river denial... lol :p i'm gonna haffa use that one...


    what he (and most others) said - you are being used! get on out of there and find yourself a new place and hopefully eventually a new lover who is interested in being with YOU! not with other men and just have you around to be used for sex and bills etc.

    first loves can be a PAIN (look at me i'm 21 years old.. i shouldn't be saying that.. pah! but it's true...) so you need to understand that your feelings are totally natural ... but still they aren't the best. You'll need to do whatever you can to fight them off and the ONLY way that will work is to cut ties completely. Nothing else will work! if you keep seeing him and you still feel for him - he'll run you over both ways to wring you dry of everything he can. - even if he's an "OK" guy this is obviously not working for you. DTMFA!

    best of luck icon_smile.gif
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    May 07, 2009 1:58 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the comments guys, its really helping me make things clearer. Keep them coming, cause I value your opinons and it is much cheaper than a psychologist LOL.

    And to be technical he was my second love lol i actually was in love with a woman before i came out LOL.

    i decided to give him a letter i wrote on april 22nd lol a week before my birthday since i was thinking too damn much. Yesterday it was waiting on him at home with a picture of us together in happy times, lol (brownie points!) and a red rose.

    He was touched and he thanked me for the flower i had told him to do some soul searching and he needs to decide whether we still have a shot at this or not. He said it really touched him to read it.

    I also said if you cant find it in your heart to try this again some major changes are gonna happen and we may have to end our friendship and sell the house and get completely out of each others lives for a while.

    Its funny cause i had to work both jobs yesterday and when i got home at 1am i noticed the letter was gone and i figured he threw it away, i was amazed that when i looked into his room this am to check on the dogs it was laying next to him!!!

    to explain the house we both bought it so we are joint owners and we did try to sell when we first broke up then we pulled it off market cause we didnt get any offers after 6 mos.

    and not trying to make excuses but on the cheating part and not telling me lol we hadnt even discussed if we wanted an open i was just assuming we were only playing together, so i have to take part in the blame because we never sat down and talked about it when we decided to become boyfriends i just figured gay guys are just like straight couples and dont have open lol. boy was i wrong, i cant believe how many gay couples i know have open and it works for them LOL. I was a newbie what can i say, lol.

    You guys probably think this guy is a nut case LOL and sometimes i think the same. I have been called worse LOL.

    I have dated other guys before and even had like bf for a month or two lol but never an actual ltr like this, i have no doubt we were in love with each other and sometimes we take each other for granted and the relationship gets boring and with him being a fligth attendant it makes things harder to spend time with each other.

    Yea probably the situation of still living in same house together has forced me to not move on, but if i dont see him that much anyways what does it matter. My therapist once asked me are you sure you are in love with him or just in love with the idea of being with someone. I fired him the next day, LOL. I found that an insult cause i know what my heart is telling me. Many people may not agree with me but I say screw them LOL.

    Is it normal to think about someone a zillion times a day and for him to be the first thing i think about when i get up and the last thing before i go to bed.

    I think a friend of mine said it best set some goals and a time limit on him if he doesnt give you an answer then move on sell the house and get out of this before you end up hating one another and fight over the silliest things.

    If it was meant to be you will find your way back to each other no matter where we are.
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    May 07, 2009 2:26 PM GMT


    redheaded said this, "Is it normal to think about someone a zillion times a day and for him to be the first thing i think about when i get up and the last thing before i go to bed."

    Yes it is, at least for us it is. What's not normal or healthy is doing this when it's unreciprocated.

    Mom always told me, "Don't cast your pearls before swine." Then she CAREFULLY explained that swine are perfectly fine creatures, they just don't have any use for pearls; they can't eat 'em and you can't roll in 'em and get all nicely coated.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 07, 2009 9:43 PM GMT
    "Is it normal to think about someone a zillion times a day and for him to be the first thing i think about when i get up and the last thing before i go to bed."
    ____________
    Now, I'm getting the idea that you are obsessed and insanely jealous.
    You really need to go back to the shrink.
    You have a roommate, not a boy friend. I'll bet your answer to that is, "Well, that's better than nothing." And, I'll bet you're holding onto the hope that someday he'll wake up and realize how lucky he is to have you and start the wedding plans. We'll it ain't gonna happen.
    ________________________________________________________
    " i noticed the letter was gone and i figured he threw it away.
    i was amazed that when i looked into his room this am to check on the dogs it was laying next to him!!!"
    ____________
    And, I suspect that you had the fantasy that he cherished your letter and hugged it to his bosom as he drifted off to sleep, dreaming only of you.


    There's no way you will ever find "Mr. Right" as long as you choose to entertain this fantasy.

    Wake up.

    Get real.

    Sell the house.

    Go your separate ways.
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    May 08, 2009 5:16 AM GMT
    no i didnt say he cherished the letter and i think it is great you are saying this to me lol, i need to hear it no matter what it is.

    and i wouldnt have posted on here if all i was gonna here was positive comments, maybe we wont never walk down the isle but i dont think i expected that.

    i thought it was cool he at least looked at it again.

    i think it is hilarious you think i need to go back to the shrink and i am psycho.

    i thank you for the comment and taking the time to post it

    i hope you have a wonderful evening

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    May 08, 2009 5:21 AM GMT
    there is no such thing as mr. right
    he doesnt exist it is mr. rigth at the moment lol

    i take it you have bee single a while ??

    and you live in reality which is a good thing man.

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    May 08, 2009 5:46 AM GMT
    first of all you were naive but i sense you have grown mentally but not emotionally. Second, why did you even entertain the thought of open relationship as it defeats the purpose of being in a committed relationship. they don't go hand in hand. (Greedy much)? and third your still living with him so i don't see how you can get over him if your still living, behaving like a couple. I think your still in denial that you did get dumped and the relationship ended. Granted you had a four year love thing with this bloke i believe you both fooled yourselves. I am a realist and if your relationship in the past was filled with anger, resentment, fights and jealousy i hardly doubt it will be any different the next time around. Sell the house, get one of the dogs move on with your life. Take a year off from him and focus on yourself as reading your words i didnt see anything about you not talking to him for a long period of time. Stop fooling yourself. Either you make steps to make it right with some serious counseling for the next time around or dont even try and end up wasting another 3 years.
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    May 08, 2009 6:02 AM GMT
    My 2 cents, both parties have to be able to confidently stand on their own two feet before they can stand next to someone else and not have one buckle under the pressure of someone else's weight.

    I think if you give yourself the time to recover from the emotional roller coaster, and you get comfortable with yourself as redheadedmuscle who is his own entity and isn't joined with Mr. Non-monogamous then you're going to attract much healthier people into your life who will want the same things you want.

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    Aug 14, 2009 2:39 PM GMT
    Okay guys it has been a while since I posted this on the forum.

    Well after listening to most of you and trying to think my ex was ready to get back with me.

    On July 4th 2009 I finally came to the conclusion that what we had is over and we cant keep looking back on what was.

    I still love him and always will the first loves are ones we dont forget.

    I have since started dating and met some really nice guys.

    Just recently I had a date and went to a pool party of all places on our first date and well needless to say it went well.

    There is something about this guy that really has my interest!!!!!

    I responded to his ad on craigslist it was titled seeking LTR.

    Time will tell where it is leading. As for the ex he is and always will be my best friend.