Overstepping my boundaries?

  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    May 07, 2009 4:52 AM GMT
    A friend of a friend is having a very difficult time coming to terms with himself and his homosexuality and as the always helping person I am, I sent this email (across facebook):

    ------
    Hey man hows it going? I'm Dave (no shit right), a friend of **** *******. I don't know if you've talked to him recently but he joined the Army and is still going through basic right now. He had told me a bit about you on he phone the other day in passing conversation and I thought I would try to contact you.

    From what he's told me, you've had some trouble coming to terms with yourself. I want you to believe me when I tell you I've been through the exact same thing man, and I know many guys who have decided to try to repress and deny it and have regretted it fully later in life. If you ever need to talk to someone about it or help, just let me know.

    I dunno, I'm always trying to help people sorry If I'm out of place. This is none of my business and I don't blame you if you just want to tell me to fuck off and keep my nose outa your shit.


    Peace bro
    -Dave



    PS: I'm pretty good at keeping my word and keeping secrets so you don't need to worry about anything man. I know what its like.
    ------



    Do you think I was in the right with this? Or was I overstepping my bounds of what is appropriate?
    If you were in the closet and received this email how would you react?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 6:06 AM GMT
    I would appreciate that type of email if I were in the closet. And I don't think it was out of place for you to send it.

    I had the please of meeting someone in the chatroom who had just gone through divorce and had just come to terms with being gay, but could not reconsile his sexuality with his spirituality. I had been through what he was going through and I offered him assistance and we are buddies because of that. I initiated the chat, but he initiated the conversation about his problem.

    Kudos to you. More of us should step out like that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 6:21 AM GMT
    I hope you're using fake names in that email you posted. Google does index the RJ forums regularly.
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    May 07, 2009 6:26 AM GMT
    Argh, yeah I intended to edit that before I posted it but it slipped my mind..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 6:49 AM GMT
    Personally, I think you may have overstepped a bit, but not where you're thinking.

    I think your intentions are coming from a good place, but I also think you may have just put your mutual friend in a very awkward place. It's possible that this guy you emailed might be very offended that the friend was talking about him to you. As we all know, when you're struggling with your sexuality, you want to air as little out there as is possible, especially people you don't know.

    I guess I probably would have approached first by introducing myself to him, friending him on FB, then strike up conversation. Let him tell you his emotions behind his struggles, then help him from there.

    But I guess it's too late for that now. Good luck. Continue to be a man with a great heart and karma will pay off big. Something tells me that he's going to appreciate you for reaching out to him. It may not be immediate for the reasons I noted above, but eventually he'll see your intentions.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 7:38 AM GMT
    Overstepped - am almost totally closeted (for many reasons, but that's another thread) and I know if I got an email like this from someone I didn't know I would be freaked, paranoid and probably bury myself in deeper behind whatever other skeletons are with me in the closet.
  • junknemesis

    Posts: 682

    May 07, 2009 7:59 AM GMT
    When I was in the closet... And I guess I returned to it nowadays... I would have been so gratefull to get an email like that from someone who honestly wanted to help and be a friend. I don't think you did bad. You didn't out him to anyone, and you honestly want to help. It's so hard being scared of this.

    Now, I'm not in the closet right now out of fear, mainly just comfort and convenience. But it kinda sucks. That's why I came on RJ. To have people to talk to.
  • Sayrnas

    Posts: 847

    May 07, 2009 8:06 AM GMT
    I think you did alright. I can see where people are getting that you overstepped your bounds but at the same time it could be a shock that someone went so out of his way to lend a hand that you might have scared him to take it.

    Have you heard beck from that dude?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 8:19 AM GMT
    It really depends on the person, which is why you should get to know them adequately before such an e-mail. A person like me would appreciate, but others could freak beyond repair. I thought it was nice overall though.
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    May 07, 2009 11:58 AM GMT
    Sayrnas saidI think you did alright. I can see where people are getting that you overstepped your bounds but at the same time it could be a shock that someone went so out of his way to lend a hand that you might have scared him to take it.

    Have you heard beck from that dude?


    I did get an email back from him saying "I have no idea what your talking about". I thought maybe I wasn't being clear enough so I replied with:

    ---
    Well from what I've heard from *****, you were having trouble accepting that you were attracted to men. He told me you weren't handling it well and started alienating people because of it.
    ----

    I haven't heard anything back yet from that one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 12:51 PM GMT
    well I think you may have overstepped with your second e-mail. His " I don't know what you are talking about" was clearly a reply of avoidance and denial. He understood what you were saying. I don't think you understood that was his way of saying he is not open or wanting to talk about it.

    I would drop it.
  • Medic911

    Posts: 152

    May 07, 2009 12:51 PM GMT
    If I was truly in the closet, I would appreciate it, think it over and maybe contact you in a few weeks...

    If I was just a man that everyone thought was in the closet, I would flip my shit and be so angry that you and your other friend should hope not to see me in a bar...

    So I'd say it's 50/50 at this point
    icon_smile.gif
  • Medic911

    Posts: 152

    May 07, 2009 12:56 PM GMT
    Just read the part about getting a reply that said "I have no idea what you're talking about"..

    I can't believe you sent another one, trying to explain yourself. That's just plain doe-doe. You're the kind of guy that would say "Is something in your eye?" When another person is trying to wink to get you to shut up.

    Yeah... avoid local restaurants, dude... He may be pissed.
  • Sayrnas

    Posts: 847

    May 07, 2009 5:57 PM GMT
    Ya, I'm on the same boat as medic and pm for the second one. You might have over done it with that one. I hope the dude is ok...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    xrichx saidI hope you're using fake names in that email you posted. Google does index the RJ forums regularly.


    LOL.

    Do I hear paranoia? My real name, and real face, are all over this site.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2009 6:04 PM GMT
    I'd move on.

    The world is full of fucked up folks. You can't save them all.

    Next item.
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    May 07, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    Medic911 saidYou're the kind of guy that would say "Is something in your eye?" When another person is trying to wink to get you to shut up.


    I clearly noticed that was him trying to tell me to shut the hell up but I don't give up that easily lol. I'm a button pusher, its part of my personality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 08, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
    First email fine,
    second, over the line
    Your most recent post: whole thing seems to be about you.

    fail-duck-writing1.jpg
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    May 08, 2009 2:42 AM GMT
    It's fine. You don't know him very well, so don't expect him to think anything other than you're a little out there.
    Don't rite him again though or you're moving into stalker territory.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 08, 2009 5:53 AM GMT
    I was just about to say that this approach isn't about helping someone else, but about trying to make yourself seem like a hero and pump up your ego. When you don't consider the ramifications of your actions on others then it's all about selfish motive.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 08, 2009 4:38 PM GMT
    In your haste to help someone you see that is in need
    You didnt stop to think that what you say might be misconstrued into something you didnt mean it to be

    Since he is closeted ...and ...in the service he might see this as something that frightens him even more
    If this guy knows about me....How many MORE do?
    He might be worried that the email is read by someone else

    While these things might not happen ..... its best not to go into detail when you ask if someone needs your help

    a simple ... I heard you were having problems
    Im at this address if you ever need to talk

    That probably would have been better
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2009 5:06 AM GMT
    JayneCobb said
    Sayrnas saidI think you did alright. I can see where people are getting that you overstepped your bounds but at the same time it could be a shock that someone went so out of his way to lend a hand that you might have scared him to take it.

    Have you heard beck from that dude?


    I did get an email back from him saying "I have no idea what your talking about". I thought maybe I wasn't being clear enough so I replied with:

    ---
    Well from what I've heard from *****, you were having trouble accepting that you were attracted to men. He told me you weren't handling it well and started alienating people because of it.
    ----

    I haven't heard anything back yet from that one.



    WAY OVER THE LINE - Read his signals bud, you offered to help, he came back with "I have no idea", instead of seeing that as a polite decline of your offer, you hit him with a truck - wtf!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2009 5:08 AM GMT
    JayneCobb said
    I clearly noticed that was him trying to tell me to shut the hell up but I don't give up that easily lol. I'm a button pusher, its part of my personality.





    Button Pusher = another word for suicide bomber ????
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2009 5:22 AM GMT
    Totally and completely out of line in my view. When I was closeted, if I had received an email from a friend's friend trying to "be there for me", I'd be seriously pissed at my friend's indiscretion and totally weirded out by some third party trying to be my pal.

    Your second email was WAY over.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2009 6:45 AM GMT
    My question is does your mutual friend know you were going to contact the guy? If not, then let your friend know what you did, and don't dig yourself any deeper.