Would you stay?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 11:22 AM GMT
    I was thinking about the Edwards interview on Oprah. She talked to John Edwards wife about his affair and etc. I didnt see the interview but it sounded like they were still together for now.

    Hillary stayed with Bill and I am sure the list goes on and on.

    If you truly were in love with someone and they cheated on you, could you just walk out? Would you eventually want to work it out and stay with them?

    I think its very easy to give advice and say "leave his ass"!! But unless your in the situation and if you are truly in love, I dont think its quite that easy.

    What do you think? How do you think you would react and if you have been through this and stayed did it all work out?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 11:44 AM GMT
    in a relationship build on monogamy there is a trust that is built about this, that you will not share your self sexually with anther man, this is of course not to say that there is not trust built in an open relationship.

    But either way, when a partner breaks that trust by cheating, it takes a LOT of work to rebuild it on both sides.. when the love is real, when the desire and willingness is there, when you can both commit to making it work and meaning it, you can overcome these things, you can rebuild the trust.

    just most people aren't willing to put in the effort, most people aren't that in love, most people just don't care enough.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 12:00 PM GMT
    I'd more likely rebuild, rather than give up immediately, but he has to be willing to make the effort too. Especially since being men, gay couples have notoriously high libidos.

    No relationships are perfect, and leaving someone because like... he had a one-time meaningless sex with someone else isn't really that much of a relationship to begin with then. As Tanker said, if you don't care enough to even try and rebuild the trust, you probably really don't care about him at all. Put things in perspective, because there are a lot more unforgivable things than casual sex.

    That said, if he does it again and again. DTMFA
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 2:50 PM GMT
    It all depends on how i find out about it. If it is one of those situations where I'm told about it years after the fact then I probably would stay after putting him in the dog house for a bit.

    But if it's one of those situations where I discover it while it's going on. Then that's that buddy! I wish you luck! See Ya! I'm outta here!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 4:07 PM GMT
    How about 20 years later - Gary & Kitty Hart
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 6:19 PM GMT
    If he cheats, and I find out, I'll leave--without saying a word.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 09, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    i'd leave... if someone cheats on you, there's something there you're not offering or that they don't see, and that doesn't change.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 7:21 PM GMT


    Interesting conundrum, to say people should stay together immediately enables those who'd consider cheating. To say 'leave' makes those who'd consider cheating think twice and about potential loss of their relationship, but makes the people who leave appear bereft of some kind of stamina or deep bond.

    Who's zooming who?

    In my experience, those that stay together post-cheating have a repaired trust - never the same as one unbroken.

    -Doug

    PS cheating is usually indicative of other more severe dysfunctions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 7:40 PM GMT
    I commend people who say that trust needs to be rebuilt and relationships are salvageable. I call bull. The trust will never be the same. The dynamics of the relationship will never be the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 8:11 PM GMT
    To the left!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 8:38 PM GMT
    I've only been cheated on once - and it caused the relationship to crash and burn. Later, he wanted to come back - but time passed - and I had replaced him - and there was no turning back. What an unfortunate situation he caused himself. He had been approached by someone who promised him thrills, lollypops and roses - and so he decided the grass was greener. He soon found out differently - but oh well - too late! I may have considered taking him back, since he seemed to be truly sorry - but what could I do - send the new guy packing because the old one wanted to come home? That would have been unfair to the new guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    You have to consider this from a different perspective than straight relationships. Men and women look at relationships differently. Two men together is a different issue. It's one of the reasons that gay's so often have open relationships successfully.

    As to whether stay or go: there's no one single right answer to this question. I've seen long relationships end in an instant because of a single discretion. I've seen relationships continue, no matter how many times one of the partners cheated or even had long term affairs. If your partner cheats on you (or vs. versa for that matter) the issue is whether both of you are able and willing to try to rebuild the trust. It has to be both.

    It's true that the relationship dynamic will never be the same, but you have to consider whether the positives of the relationship will outweigh the negatives.

    If the breach of trust is going to be an open wound forever, it will be a relentlessly miserable if not doomed relationship.

    If you can't forgive a single indiscretion you had better be faultless. It's doesn't mean you have to be a fool either. The most common reason for men to cheat is because they feel taken for granted. Sex is usually way down on the list and is usually the cause for sexual compulsives. It's not often that anyone ever says 'why did you do it?' because they don't want to take any responsibility in the flaws of the relationship.

    I try to never assume that every decision and action I've taken is perfect. If something bad happens to me, then I try to consider my part in that event. I am single now, so if you want to attribute a bias to my view, that should make it easier. I don't want any of my ex's back. I hope I've learned enough for the next man in my life.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    May 09, 2009 9:20 PM GMT
    I don't think anyone can really judge unless they are in the relationship. It's easy to say walk away, but when you truly love someone you may rather forgive them than lose them altogether. I know several people in relationships where one cheated on the other, but they are still together. They could have thrown in the towel, but they didn't, and the rough spot they went through actually turned out to ultimately make them stronger. Relationships that stand the test of time have much history -- and it's not all bubble baths and rose petals -- but if you can ride out the rough patches and weather the storms along the way you end up with a relationship with a solid foundation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
    What if the guy cheats and brings back "something?" What if you catch it even though you're using protection? Are your health and well-being worth the risk?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 10:16 PM GMT
    BMG brings up a good point. Though I also agree that it is a individuals choice when it comes right down to it. This from a guy that found picts of his ex online having unprotected sex w/a stranger online, (we had always had protected sex, one good thing). Funny that he im'd me the other day still denying it and finally asked to see the picts I had found. Since I've sent them to him... well now he's silent.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    what if what if what if.. personally that's not the way I want to spend my life.

    at the end of the day, sometimes a real relationship, is worth fighting for.

    What if he brings something back? what if I come off the road in my car? what if the plane goes down? what if I get sick and die? what if I get hit by a car? what if, what if, what if..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 11:10 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    at the end of the day, sometimes a real relationship, is worth fighting for.



    Exactly! People make mistakes, but the biggest mistake of all would be throwing a relationship away that could be the love of your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 11:31 PM GMT
    I live by the one strike rule. People don't make mistakes in a "moment of weakness" they just happen to get caught in one of many. When you stay with someone after they cheat on you, you are telling them that they got away with it. You reinforce that bad behavior by demonstrating a lack of consequence for their actions. If someone does it once and gets away with it, they will do it again and again and again. Yes, it's easy to say leave his ass, because it is the right thing to do. It might be true love on her part, but the fact that he cheated demonstrates it's less than that on his. So if she wants to stay with him and be a second class citizen within her own marriage, it's her choice. However, she has zero right to be surprised when it happens again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2009 11:31 PM GMT
    JockSnack2008 said
    lilTanker said
    at the end of the day, sometimes a real relationship, is worth fighting for.



    Exactly! People make mistakes, but the biggest mistake of all would be throwing a relationship away that could be the love of your life.


    He IS the love of her life. I think the main factor people have forgotten to mention is the fact that she has terminal cancer and her days are numbered. Does she want to walk out on her husband to die alone, or put up with him for the little amount of time she has left?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 2:51 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidI live by the one strike rule. People don't make mistakes in a "moment of weakness" they just happen to get caught in one of many. When you stay with someone after they cheat on you, you are telling them that they got away with it. You reinforce that bad behavior by demonstrating a lack of consequence for their actions.
    You've never seen me angry or in a bad mood..
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    May 10, 2009 2:55 AM GMT
    It's a tough question. I don't think you know until you're in that situation. I think a breach of trust on that level is one of the toughest things to fix. I've known people in that situation. I think it's possible, but there must be a strong foundation of love there. But, I also know how difficult it is to find love. And I also have a hard time believing monogamy is natural for us. I certainly think it's a worthwhile goal, but I wonder if I could be 100% monogamous. I just don't know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 3:14 AM GMT
    I have 2 rules I will not concede when in a relationship. Do not lie and Do not cheat. As to being cheated on, there really is no excuse and I am not buying all this about 2 guys is so different than straight relationships. If I find out that my man has cheated, I am going to look at it from a perspective of whether or not I did anything to contribute to the cheating such as being emotionally unavailable. If he did not approach me to have a conversation about something being wrong and I did nothing wrong, it most definately would be goodbye. There is no excuse not to have had a conversation before the cheating occurred to see if there was a way out of it. And then the two parties could split as amicably as possible. This moment of weakness thing...pffft. Love should have been stronger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 4:07 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidI live by the one strike rule. People don't make mistakes in a "moment of weakness" they just happen to get caught in one of many. When you stay with someone after they cheat on you, you are telling them that they got away with it. You reinforce that bad behavior by demonstrating a lack of consequence for their actions.
    You've never seen me angry or in a bad mood..


    Ooooh, I like me some angry sex.icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 12:41 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite said
    lilTanker said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidI live by the one strike rule. People don't make mistakes in a "moment of weakness" they just happen to get caught in one of many. When you stay with someone after they cheat on you, you are telling them that they got away with it. You reinforce that bad behavior by demonstrating a lack of consequence for their actions.
    You've never seen me angry or in a bad mood..

    Ooooh, I like me some angry sex.icon_razz.gif

    Yes, your life would be endanger when I'm angry in the sack icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2009 12:45 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for just over two years. It's a not-so-long-distance relationship, as only 75 miles separate us. But, partly, it's that distance that places us in an "open" relationship.

    We have talked monogomy....even touched upon possibility of marriage and living together. But being men...gay men..and realistic, know that certain "urges" are going to come into play when we are not together. So we are free to play "on the side"...responsibly, using protection.

    Our honesty has us telling of outside encounters, and because we care deeply for each other, and know how good the sex is...there is some jeaolousy. But nothing that we cannot handle on our own, or together, through discussion.

    There are so many other things, beyond sex, that can tear apart a relationship. In the past two years, horrible things have happened...and good things. But the love we share has taken us past the bad places and kept us together.

    Would I like to say that we will be together, forever? Yes. I cannot imagine my life without him. But we both know that things happen, so cherish all the time that we have together.