Pressure to hit the bars...

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    May 10, 2009 4:16 AM GMT
    So I'm traveling today, had a wonderful day out on the town with family, and it's now just past midnight and I can't shake the feeling that I "should" be at the bars.

    Don't get me wrong ... I know if I went I would have a great time. But by the time I cab from my hotel to the bar, I'll be about an hour and 15 from last call, which seems a waste of a LOT of cab fare for an hour of bar-ness.

    I'm relaxing, in my hotel suite ( such a good gay - a suite at the W! ) with a cocktail from the hotel bar (they closed early at midnight) and I'm wondering....

    Why the hell are we socially conditioned to be at the bar or we're "missing" something???

    I'm not feeling like hooking up tonight, so I don't have the "I need to get laid" motivation, so it's not that.

    Anyone have any thoughts?
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    May 10, 2009 4:46 AM GMT
    Heh. We were thinking of going out to the bars, but Matt is snoring away behind me.
    (And just a block away from the W, too.)

    Wish there was as much "pressure" to go to other gay functions.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    May 10, 2009 5:41 AM GMT
    It's an odd query, seeking perspective on a culture that is being pressured to silence itself by the dominant culture. Gay culture, however, seems to be pressured to assimilate to a similar social model as the dominant or hetero-fundamentalist culture; in that there is a hegemony of the few who are consistently
    " in-the-know " as well as those who are consistently " in the right paces at the right times. "

    If you are gay, it's difficult to understand that branching out and seeking other forms of entertainment while feeling a deep sense of community are possible. Why? perhaps because some of the main concerns for a gay male include:
    Over-working himself because the thousands of rights available to heterosexual males are not extended to him; whether or not to wear a condom due to social pressure to be ' more intimate; ' whether the guy is a top or bottom; having a cultural identity fallacy in placing value upon how he looks over how he has/is overcome/overcoming his personal circumstance; etc.

    I'm not sure if I'm manifesting my thoughts into a focused work, but the gay man and woman should have the ability to decide for themselves where to meet up with others who will support them in their being homosexual. Unfortunately, gay clubs are some of the few places where he or she can accomplish that.
    If we could all go to the park, the public library, the municipal pool, etc. and feel supported for who we are in those communities, then the obsession with superficial clubs would not be as significant an issue.

    Perhaps, one fine day, a gay can be all that he or she can be, wherever he or she may be. But until then, our choices are as limited as we allow.
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    May 10, 2009 6:12 AM GMT
    next time i see you Im gonna smack u cojock.....

    wtf seriously...
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    May 10, 2009 3:20 PM GMT


    COjock1974 said, "Why the hell are we socially conditioned to be at the bar or we're "missing" something???

    I'm not feeling like hooking up tonight, so I don't have the "I need to get laid" motivation, so it's not that.

    Anyone have any thoughts?"

    I think I understand. When I was single I used to feel this way. It was all about the possibility that I might meet the guy for me, being relationship oriented. Perhaps some part of you thinks like this,

    "Did you know, that love can grow, anywhere where people go.."-Don Mclean (musician songwriter)

    ...and this isn't about hooking up - it's much more than that.


    -Doug

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 10, 2009 3:25 PM GMT
    I think its "missing" a being a part of gay social interaction.. that seems to occur around the bars, the curiousity about whom you might see there, the
    thrill of the unknown. I think we have all been there at some point.

    The trade off... breathing smoke and you and your clothes smelling like cigarattes (unless your in a smokeless bar). I don't mind being hit on or
    the attention so much since I know I make the decisions about what happens regarding me. I also don't much like being tired and potentially "out of it" the next morning.

    For me, I go once in a great while now...I might average once or twice a year. I have other "thrills" in my life.. LOL.
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    May 10, 2009 3:25 PM GMT
    It's the inner devil telling you that you need alcohol and unhealthy bar foods to be happy ... your inner devil wants you to be fat! ... don't ... let ... it ... get ... you ... icon_wink.gif
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    May 10, 2009 3:26 PM GMT
    Sometimes you don't want to stay home. I have a fav watering hole I regularly go to.......not to get laid, or drunk but to hang with friends/people I know.....have fun. The music is great......and there's always the possibility that I could meet a cute guy..get his number..........and go out on a date some other night.

    My chess club may not be meeting that night.......or my other friends are busy....the gym is closed.......I've already had dinner....so hence the bar.

    Bars/clubs get a bad rap for obvious reasons, but it doesn't have to be a tiring experience if you have a good attitude........when you are confident and assertive about what you like/who you want to talk too........you basically rule the room.
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    May 10, 2009 3:30 PM GMT



    Good grief, people still smoke in bars and pubs etc in the US?
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    May 10, 2009 3:33 PM GMT
    meninlove said


    Good grief, people still smoke in bars and pubs etc in the US?


    Not in NYC.......you would get clobbered.
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    May 10, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    COJock1974 saidWhy the hell are we socially conditioned to be at the bar or we're "missing" something???

    Good topic. For me & my partner, however, a gay bar is what we want it to be. We go there when we're in the mood, mostly to meet friends or if there's some event planned. And we stay home or do something else when we're not in the mood. As the "Almond Joy" candy commercial jingle used to say: "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."

    We like gay bars, but take from them what we want, with no strings attached. We do like the club music, we like the crowd, meeting lots of friends we know, sometimes dancing, having a few drinks. It's not an obligation, merely our pleasure. Maybe because we have it available whenever we want, we don't have any sense of "missing" anything if we aren't there every night. In fact, more than once a week is unusual for us, but Fridays is fairly common, when a good number of our friends will be there.
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    May 10, 2009 3:42 PM GMT
    dr_jackl saidIt's the inner devil telling you that you need alcohol and unhealthy bar foods to be happy ... your inner devil wants you to be fat! ... don't ... let ... it ... get ... you ... icon_wink.gif


    alchohol and spirits are god's way of saying to us humans to be happy. That's why its here on this earth.
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    May 10, 2009 3:55 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidBars/clubs get a bad rap for obvious reasons, but it doesn't have to be a tiring experience if you have a good attitude........when you are confident and assertive about what you like/who you want to talk too........you basically rule the room.

    Nicely stated! Until a few years ago, as I sorta semi-retired from that scene due to age & health, I would do exactly that: rule the room. I think a lot of guys are intimidated by gay clubs, and only see the bad side. I always tried to take the good and avoid the bad; after all, I AM in charge of myself, and know how to pick & choose as I wish.

    To me, a gay club is like a buffet, and I go around and take what I like, and disregard what I don't like. I'm under no obligation to accept the whole scene, just the parts that please me.

    And the clubs themselves are trying to appeal to a lot of different interests, too, even some of the more specialized ones. Just like I know that mixing my drinks will likely make me sick, I stick with my own tried & true interests, and leave others to what pleases them. And I always seem to have a good time. icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 10, 2009 4:12 PM GMT
    KissingPro said
    dr_jackl saidIt's the inner devil telling you that you need alcohol and unhealthy bar foods to be happy ... your inner devil wants you to be fat! ... don't ... let ... it ... get ... you ... icon_wink.gif


    alchohol and spirits are god's way of saying to us humans to be happy. That's why its here on this earth.

    CO knows what I mean about this cuz we both been through the RJ Weight Loss Challenge. Yes, alcohol makes us happy, but it makes us sad by adding that spare tire around our waste. It's hard to find a balance between these two emotions.
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    May 10, 2009 5:38 PM GMT
    meninlove said


    Good grief, people still smoke in bars and pubs etc in the US?


    Yep, especially the dirty South. I hate it. Here the city council has stated they're going to finally quit opposing smoking ordinances.

    About time.
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    May 10, 2009 6:06 PM GMT
    I am not sure what you mean by pressure, but sometimes it is just nice to get out and socialize and be around people ..

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    May 10, 2009 6:13 PM GMT
    No pressure here - never has been!

    I tend to invite friends over or go visiting - better drinks, better conversation, no need to shout...

    No aspersiaons intended, but I simply never felt the need - though I do sometimes use a local bar as a meeting point before going out to dinner.

    Nat
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    May 10, 2009 6:17 PM GMT
    Pressure?
    I was in watching Will&Grace DVDs and drinking wine last night. I couldn't have been better entertained. The bars are what they are - I'll spend 10 on a bottle of decent wine vs wasting 30 on watered down drinks at a dirty place with dim lighting and the usual faces.
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    May 11, 2009 5:45 AM GMT
    tazzari> I tend to invite friends over or go visiting - better drinks, better conversation, no need to shout...

    Right. And no need to shower to wash off the smoke for those of us in less progressive states.

    I've done different things (e.g. "movie night"), opening our house to 10 even 20 people, and we have a great time. But I've also noticed that around 11:30 half the people leave... for the bars/clubs.

    There is a natural gravitation to the bars because that's where the quantity is, and one might also (just maybe) find someone of quality there (or at least have a fun night).

    It's hard to come up with an alternative that will appeal to so many as the lowest common denominator does.

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    May 11, 2009 6:17 PM GMT
    Caesarea -

    I guess part of it is who I know. Most of my friends are partnered, so when they leave, they go hone. We have a gathering every Sunday night, so there's also the work-in-the-morning issue.

    Had a great movie night last night, as we were all in bed by 10:30 or so.

    I - we - don't try to appeal to the many; but we have a good circle of good friends of all ages (conemporaries, guys I used to coach - you name it), and that's attraction enough.

    Nat
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    May 11, 2009 8:42 PM GMT
    Know what you mean and we have friends like that, too.
    But I also try to reach out to others and yet I can't compete with the bar.
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    May 11, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidI am not sure what you mean by pressure, but sometimes it is just nice to get out and socialize and be around people ..


    BAM!!! Thanks A&F. I love/live that song!