Moms...Mothers Day...Cutting Yourself Off From Parents

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    After many years of trying to bridge the gaps with my ulta conservative strict fanatical Catholic parents who feel my "lifestyle" is a sin and that I will burn in hell.........I finally freed myself ....and for my own good, had to cut them off.

    Its a hard thing to do especially when it applies to your mom...the one who brought you into this world. But the pressure to keep the family together and not make waves was a price I was no loner willing to pay.

    I like to hear good stories from gay guys who have a more positive relationship with their folks. You guys are blessed.

    Anyone else had to turn their back on mom and dad?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 5:11 PM GMT

    .... Man, if I had an hour with your Mom, there's so much I could tell her - let's correct that - if my Mom had an hour with your Mom, man, would she have a lot to say, and none of it mean (Mom's not that kind), but she'd probably have your Mom in heart-achin' tears, as Mom's 'subtle knife' is emotional reason.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 9:12 PM GMT

    (I spoke on Christian, because I know Christian).
    Yes, it goes both ways, just as you will feel robbed of the time you are losing now with your mom when she is gone, she too will feel the same feeling of complete and utter loss if you go first or I think, when she is going herself.

    Talk about a little taste of hell before getting to heaven: her lying in her death bed knowing her son won't come there because she ran him away long ago, and for what: because he was different.

    I think such petty things come into focus when social hubris, acceptance of our church family, and a personality verging on "holier than thou" become that tenuous. When that final hour comes, none of that petty stuff matters; the only ones that matter are the names and memories of the people you hold dear, in a way, taking with you.

    What a heavy bearing to take also the son who she ousted regardless of the maternal bond, his worth and spirit, and her connection to him? I just hope you are the only one because I believe that earthly deeds manifest themselves as weight and chains for the soul (haha, maybe I've seen A Christmas Carol 100 too many times, every version), but if it's true and you aren't the only one, she's not ascending anywhere because she will be too heavy.

    No offense, I know what I just sorta said. Atleast many a parent will be here to keep her company too. Devoted Christians, but lousy people and what good is glorifying GOD and treating your brother, sister, neighbor, and child like dirt? It's a gamble, especially when the good book says not to do that.

    It also says GOD doesn't make mistakes. If queers are here, it is for a reason. I think a lot of christians will get the shock of their after life when they find a gay child, brother or sister was a test to see if they could love someone who didn't fit the image of a perfect christian: the way GOD loves every person regardless of what kind of person they are, and the price of failure is an eternal tan. With the exception of a child being a murderer or rapist, I see no reason to turn around on them, and even the rapist and murderers didn't get there by themselves. The good book says, lead the children the right ways. If your child's a murderer, you fucked up. Even then, there is no reason not to go see them on visitation day. A parent just should, on the off chance they contributed to it.(HINT HINT).

    My mother is no angel, but neither am I. She used to be an awful person: an abusive mother, unfeeling, and a backslider. She has changed a great deal, perhaps in part due to the failure of her limbs. The lord saw fit to severely alter her eyesight and weaken her body to the point that she needs a walker at all times. When she found out I was gay, it was in the midst of her "holier than thou" period, but she has warmed up to me a lot. She says she is no better than me and that if I'm gay, it's for a reason. She says I'll always be her son and my being gay won't change that. She reaches out to me, but I can't let go of the past and I smack her hand away often. If I don't change, that will be my weight and chains to bear, not hers.

    You should on occasion, resurface and offer your mother a chance at reconciliation. If she doesn't accept, that's her burden, but if you don't offer, it's both of yours.

    As I type this, I have cooked my mother dinner and am awaiting her arrival. I think she mighta ditched me for my sisters, she always did love them moreicon_evil.gif. icon_razz.gif If she doesn't show, I'll eat it all myself and not harbor any resentment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 9:16 PM GMT

    GuiltyGear, you talk like my Mom.... (that's a HUGE compliment, by the way)

    humbly, Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 9:19 PM GMT
    oh man, now I feel all guilty.............. damn you.... guess I'll give the mother a call.... (just kidding, did it this morn....)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    I don't normally suffer thru posts that won't fit on my screen.
    (A.D.D. is my cross to bear in that regard maybe).
    But GuiltyGear, I read all of that.
    You're the man when you have something to say.
    ( opposed to all that animation crap.)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    If only we had mom's like GuiltyGear.

    You had to let go, but don't let that stop you from reaching back when she needs it. I spent the most delectable day with my mother yesterday. She came solely to visit me for one day. Parents truly are good people, just many things can cloud their judgment. Caslon says it often, parents have expectations which, when broken, they don't know how to react to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 10, 2009 10:48 PM GMT
    Both my parents are gone, would be 98 & 92 if still alive, my father the older. I've discussed here before that we never talked about my being gay, though I learned they knew from the time of my childhood. But here's something I've noticed about other gay men and their families, for what it's worth:

    Every one of my BFs, and both my late & present partners, all told me horror stories about one or both of their parents, and sometimes about brothers & sisters, too. They warned me what to expect, even tried to delay the meetings, for fear of the disaster that would ensue.

    And then I'd finally get to meet some of them, who all knew I was gay and dating these guys. And guess what?

    We got along great! Without exception, everyone was charming & gracious, warm & generous, truly welcoming, and believe me, it's hard to fool me.

    Afterwards he & I would discuss this disparity, him usually expressing puzzlement, but often still insisting what awful people some of his family were. I'm no psychologist, but here's what I came to assume:

    We form family opinions early in our lives, and they color all that follows in the years ahead. Our parents & siblings may change & mellow, as we can ourselves, but we sometimes don't recognize those changes, seeing them & us through the filter of past experiences. Plus we may all be holding old grudges.

    My brother was mean to me when we were kids, and so I still see his innocent & harmless actions today in terms of meanness. My mother had a nasty streak, and I still interpret her actions as being nasty, even when she no longer is.

    I'm not sure if this has any application to this thread, but I'd thought I'd throw it in. Sometimes I wonder if I could make a living hiring myself out, to visit the alleged difficult relatives of gay men, to demonstrate that people do change for the better, even if you can't recognize it yourself, and have trouble adapting to it.