What is it with the cold, distant, reserved. picky 40 year olds.

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    May 13, 2009 7:17 AM GMT
    There is a definite coolness in guys in that age group, at least the ones i am exposed to in the wonderful world of dating . I was secure in a relationship in those years so I am clueless.

    Am i just being exposed to the "old maids" that are single because they lacked warmth and charm to begin with ? Are they just very, very, single and set in their ways to the degree they can only be comfortable with themselves? Have they been burned so often that they have developed an attitude? I find older and younger age groups way more friendly and outgoing. I probably was only as self centered and grouchy as a teen. .
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    May 13, 2009 7:21 AM GMT
    AT 40.....THEY HAVE NEW HORIZONS TO FACE....SCARY ONES

    LEAVE THEM ALONE...YOUNGER OR OLDER FACES LIFE MORE

    HEAD ON.....

    OLD DUDE HERE....BEEN THERE, DONE THATicon_wink.gif
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    May 13, 2009 7:24 AM GMT
    I like men of all ages...if he lack something...maybe I can pull the toll...If I do...he can...I like men who have goals...are in shape and have a job..any job!

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    May 13, 2009 7:26 AM GMT
    I've a mate in the US whos like 55 I think now, anywho, his last birthday, I sent him flowers and a big teddy bear with a nice little card thingy..

    He'd never gotten anything like that before..

    This guy is single, is happy being single, but he'd never had someone send him flowers let alone a teddy bear

    It now sits on his bed and he goes to sleep with it every night.

    I think its a little sad at 55 no one has taken the time to send him flowers for his birthday.. but then, I know lots of guys around that age who are exactly the same

    times were different apparently, guys didn't get that and they didn't expect it and still don't..

    I suppose it makes it more special though, he truly doesn't expect anything and is more over joyed when he does get something.
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    May 13, 2009 7:28 AM GMT
    Older guys are wiser and know when they are being played. They've also seen it all before so they are less susceptible to being impressed by money, wealth and corny chat up lines.

    They may also have had long term relationships so don't feel need the need to jump back into another one unlike younger guys who seem to think their happiness revolves around monogamous, serious relationships.

    My twopenniesworth.
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    May 13, 2009 8:04 AM GMT
    redheadguy saidOlder guys are wiser and know when they are being played. They've also seen it all before so they are less susceptible to being impressed by money, wealth and corny chat up lines.

    They may also have had long term relationships so don't feel need the need to jump back into another one unlike younger guys who seem to think their happiness revolves around monogamous, serious relationships.

    My twopenniesworth.


    Seconded. Life teaches you to sit still, watch, and listen before you react.

    Although I'm several years shy of 40, I'm already cold, reserved, and distant--for all of the reasons mentioned above.

    It's a dangerous world out there. Dealing with a recession is tough enough. Who needs/wants extra stress in the form of avoidable man-drama? icon_lol.gif
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    May 13, 2009 8:16 AM GMT
    I'm in the age group you are speaking of(46, will be 47 on Thursday) and I am not cold, not distant, slightly reserved and pretty picky when it comes to who is in my life and by that I mean the inner circle and my bed. I have always been open to being friends with anyone and wait until someone hangs themselves to be kicked out of my castle. I am the same now. But I think I know maybe what you are getting at. I have known some guys my age that are pretty sad, in that they refuse to date anyone their age because it reminds them how fleeting their lives are and that time is no longer a distant realm, but a competing and winning enemy. Some of the ones who were my friends when I was younger became sad fixtures in the clubs because of the attitudes of their 40's and mostly likely became lonely. While there are people like this in all age groups, I think I agree with you that it is prevalent in the 40's group. Maybe because of all the concentration on being young, rich, having the right stuff, etc. So much for walking to the beat of your own drum.

    Of course I would have to question the sanity of someone who would dismiss Alpha....Just saying. icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 13, 2009 8:41 AM GMT
    What passes for my heart was a plutonianly glacial icescape compressed to frigid impenetrability by the crushing gravity of years of disappointment and despair long before I even hit 30. I don't think age has anything to do with it.
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    May 13, 2009 8:47 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidWhat passes for my heart was a plutonianly glacial icescape compressed to frigid impenetrability by the crushing gravity of years of disappointment and despair long before I even hit 30. I don't think age has anything to do with it.


    Are you SURE you don't like Ayn Rand??? Lol. icon_wink.gif
  • emailaddress

    Posts: 313

    May 13, 2009 9:09 AM GMT
    there are people like that in every age group.

    there are that many good gay role model where people can learn from, i am not surprised that many gay men turn out that way.

    I used to be like that because all the gay guys i know tell me all about these rules i should follow. But now I just realised just be nice and approachable no matter where you are. Flattery goes a long way. people always say dont chat at a sauna or a beat, but i never complied, i always have a converstaion with people about random stuff no matter where i am, and I am glad I turned out this way.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 13, 2009 9:42 AM GMT
    WHO YOU TALKIN' ABOUT WILLIS?
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    May 13, 2009 9:48 AM GMT
    An odd thing happens when you hit 40. I recall my office throwing a big "black" 30th b-day party for me, which I thought was ridiculous. At 30, I was still partying, fucking like a jack hammer and living large.

    As I approached 40, I noticed major changes were going on, both physiologically, as well as psychologically. My body was slowing down while time seemed to speed up. My back goes out a lot, I now suffer from insomnia, my knees ache, muscle development has dropped off, I enjoy thinking about sex more than actually engaging in it (I'm afraid I'll throw my back out if I continue to fuck like a jack hammer), I take a lot of naps - am actually pushing my office to install nap pods so us old farts can take a couple 20-minute nap sessions throughout the day. Basically, I've come face to face with my own mortality.

    The list goes on. Some of us age gracefully, some of us ... not so much. I fall in the not-so-much group. I think this is what's commonly referred to as a mid-life crisis?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 13, 2009 11:20 AM GMT
    Maybe the single 40 year old gay guy is reserved and self-reliant because it seems like he is marginalized by so many facets of society. Younger gays look at a 40 year old who is out partying as being sad, who is single as being a failure, and who doesn't 'act his age' as being a perv. To the straight world he's kind of an anomaly - not married (and most likely divorced if he were straight) - usually no kids, etc. He doesn't really fit in many places so he has to make his own.
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    May 13, 2009 11:39 AM GMT
    FierceEyes said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidWhat passes for my heart was a plutonianly glacial icescape compressed to frigid impenetrability by the crushing gravity of years of disappointment and despair long before I even hit 30. I don't think age has anything to do with it.


    Are you SURE you don't like Ayn Rand??? Lol. icon_wink.gif


    Never!icon_lol.gif
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    May 13, 2009 12:30 PM GMT
    The joke is that I am much more comfortable as a gay man in my 40's than my 20's. In my 20's, I was terrified of being gay and my attraction to men. Now I am who I am. I can still run though not so fast or so long. I still have a head of hair that hasn't turned completely gray. I can still read though I forget a lot of things. I have a body that kind of looks decent but the aches and pain have come. In eighteen years I will be 60; a fact that evermost haunts me.

    I sure wish some 20 year or 30 year old would throw themselves at me. They would definitely find out I am not cold, reserved, and picky.
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    May 13, 2009 1:02 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidThere is a definite coolness in guys in that age group, at least the ones i am exposed to in the wonderful world of dating . I was secure in a relationship in those years so I am clueless.

    Am i just being exposed to the "old maids" that are single because they lacked warmth and charm to begin with ? Are they just very, very, single and set in their ways to the degree they can only be comfortable with themselves? Have they been burned so often that they have developed an attitude? I find older and younger age groups way more friendly and outgoing. I probably was only as self centered and grouchy as a teen. .


    yes they are all that and more. now leave them alone and move on with your bidness icon_razz.gif

    we all get there soon enough
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 13, 2009 1:23 PM GMT
    at that point in their lives perhaps they are more secure with their own self image and do not need some cute, needy "it's all about me" person in their lives?

    also, at that age, having been thru more than one relationship/bf/lover/whatever, they perhaps have been burnt once or twice and are not so eager to wear their heart on their sleeve.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    May 13, 2009 1:41 PM GMT
    This scares me.
    Ive always worried about becoming jaded and think maybe thats why I tend to date younger guys (the trade of experience is worth it I guess).

    However. Ugh.
    scary.
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    May 13, 2009 2:24 PM GMT
    The good thing for me about being in my 40s is that I stopped living for everyone else and started living for myself. Part of that means my happiness (or unhappiness) does not come from other people. I don't have time to waste on relationships that aren't healthy. However, I feel my experiences have made me a better partner and better friend.
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    May 13, 2009 2:27 PM GMT
    rnch saidat that point in their lives perhaps they are more secure with their own self image and do not need some cute, needy "it's all about me" person in their lives?

    also, at that age, having been thru more than one relationship/bf/lover/whatever, they perhaps have been burnt once or twice and are not so eager to wear their heart on their sleeve.


    Well put! Been there, done that, and not needy or desperate any longer. I am content with myself, with the exception of my IRA.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 13, 2009 2:28 PM GMT
    lissenup saidThe good thing for me about being in my 40s is that I stopped living for everyone else and started living for myself. Part of that means my happiness (or unhappiness) does not come from other people. I don't have time to waste on relationships that aren't healthy. However, I feel my experiences have made me a better partner and better friend.


    Then you've done well grasshopper icon_biggrin.gif

    Wish more guys would come to this realization soonericon_exclaim.gif
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    May 13, 2009 2:43 PM GMT
    Tapper said.....The list goes on. Some of us age gracefully, some of us ... not so much. I fall in the not-so-much group. I think this is what's commonly referred to as a mid-life crisis?
    All that and you are still hot and groovy icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 13, 2009 2:46 PM GMT
    Maybe its that many of them have other things in their life they are focused upon... they have diversified their attention with other "perceived" important aspects in life, like a career, home, obligations..... and have moved beyond what many may perceive as "hook up sex". Many of these guys may view dating as a "sidelined event" in their successful lives... or they don't need to put themselves out there anymore. I would hope they not jaded.
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    May 13, 2009 2:51 PM GMT
    P.S. my boyfriend just turned 40 this year and he's anything but cold, distant, and reserved.
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    May 13, 2009 2:54 PM GMT
    Who are you guys talking to? ...The OP is in his 50s. ...He knows about being 40. ...He evidently doesnt understand why 40 yos arent lining up to be with him.

    I would say the 40 yos arent wild about someone older than themselves. ...They are looking for younger guys who will still be with them as they cross the finish line, not someone older who is going to beat them there. ... icon_rolleyes.gif ... icon_lol.gif