A story I'd like to share...

  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Nov 08, 2007 4:13 AM GMT
    I'll admit I am attracted to the idea of a relationship and being in love and all that stuff, it sounds like fun. I haven't been in many relationships and I guess you can say I'm still developing in that part of my life. I've accepted I'm young, unsure of myself, unsure of who I wanna be and where I wanna go, I'm positive it won't be like this forever though.

    So it begins here. I meet this handsome 27 yr old man at a fundraiser supper. He is a lawyer. I wasn't too interested in him and honestly he looks way older than he is. I still introduce myself.

    Fast forward a week later I was stopping by the local gay club to see my friend perform karaoke. Handsome guy is there. We talk for a bit, the conversations are sort of uninteresting and awkward. After that he adds me on facebook, and invites me out. We go out a week later, and it is still awkward and I didn't have much fun, but as I left I kissed him anyways, thinking I should at least try and spark something.

    Side note - at this point I'm finding the guys I'm attracted to are unavailable or I'm just to scared to pursue them. So I figure I go for someone I'm not attracted too, maybe something will grow/change. Also the idea of a dating an older, successful, mature man is enticing.

    After that he begins calling or messaging me almost everyday to get me to hang out with him. He says "I'll make time for you any day," and I then think of dating 101 - Don't act like you have no life. I go to his place anyways. More awkward convos and I don't feel fully comfortable. But we start getting intimate. I tell myself not to sleep with him, I do anyways. I know I shouldn't have. It wasn't that bad, though, he was kinda creeping me out, giving me these smiles and winks reminiscent of a cheap porno whenever I would look into his eyes. I stop it when he wants to pull out a condom for...ya know, penetration. He tells me he's moving a little faster than planned and he would like to get to know me better. I chat a little with him...still awkward. Suddenly he seems quite distant, almost booting me out of his house.

    I'm getting more and more confused at this point and I begin to over-analyze and worry. I'm still not that attracted to him, but I'm beginning to feel attached, and even more attracted to the idea of a relationship.

    Next day. I have an interesting discussion with a friend of mine at school. He's a few years older than me. He tells me he's learned it is important to express your feelings. It is scary at first, and you may think "But what if he doesn't like me anymore? Or leaves me? Or Both?" We both agree that integrity is important, but I tell him I'm scared to express my feelings anyways, but I have to tell handsome guy what is on my mind.

    A few days later I swallow my fears and tell handsome guy how I feel and that is; I'm not sure how I feel, I'm just gonna go with the flow, I'm not sure of anything and I'm not making any promises. Suddenly all messaging and calls stop. I find out he's going to another city for his bday weekend very soon, he's very popular and I know there's a million hot guys out there, and he most likely knows many of them. I begin to feel very insecure. Why the sudden loss of interest? Is he seeing other guys? Am I horrible to talk to? Does he even care? Will he see other guys out there? I talk to him and I make sure to discuss exclusivity(there is none) and to make sure we're just friends. Though really I'm choosing to cut him out of my life, I can't handle feeling this way.

    The next day I'm upset and frustrated. Did I do something wrong? Did he play me?. I confide in the same friend at school. It turns out this guy had done something similar to a another young and naive friend of his. Hound him constantly and than lock him out as soon as he got what he wanted. He tells me handsome guy may not be doing it intentionally, he suspects this guy may have issues with himself. He advises me to find someone closer to my age, and someone who can mean more to me.

    I realize now that this scenario happened as a result of circumstances as well as the choices I made. I'm not going to blame anybody, that would be a waste. I am hurt by this and I did lose a lot of energy during this ridiculous situation that I do need for other things, but writing this feels very therapeutic.

    I know its a very long read, but does anybody have a similar story to tell or perhaps care to share some insight?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2007 4:30 AM GMT
    Who knows what's really going on with that guy. Be glad that all that happened is what happened. You didnt loose anything. He sounds like a real dud. Drop it and move on.
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    Nov 08, 2007 4:36 AM GMT
    Its a big ocean. I find it hard to believe you would have trouble catching another fish icon_wink.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Nov 08, 2007 6:32 AM GMT
    This reminds me of a forum I answered on relationships, and how to not jump right into sex if it is a relationship you seek!! Think about it.
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    Nov 08, 2007 8:08 AM GMT
    It sounds like YOU played HIM not the other way around.

    You led him on even though you weren't interested in him sexually.

    You made out with him even though you weren't interested in him.

    And then you had sex with him even though you weren't interested in him.

    And then you wonder why he's disappeared without so much as a by your leave. Sounds like he's got wise to your dishonesty and lack of integrity.

    Lesson to be learnt, don't date men that you don't fancy. You will be found out sooner rather than later.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Nov 08, 2007 11:46 AM GMT
    Wise, but hard, words there from Red (as usual).

    Korix I don't think you were playing him, but I do think you should mark this up to experience and move on.

    You're gonna kiss a lot of frogs before you get a prince and a lot of the guys you meet are not gonna treat you well. You have to get use to the strange ways men behave and mark this up to experience.

    Mikemike's advice about not jumping straight into bed with a guy is good advice. If a guy is worth having, he'll wait til you're ready and know each other.

    Good luck.

    Lozx

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    Nov 08, 2007 2:05 PM GMT
    I gotta go with Red on this one. Play with fire, get burnt. Corner a cat, get scratched.
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    Nov 08, 2007 3:09 PM GMT
    xKorixAt this point I'm finding the guys I'm attracted to are unavailable or I'm just to scared to pursue them. So I figure I go for someone I'm not attracted too, maybe something will grow/change.

    Go for someone you're not attracted to??? What the hell for?!
    Forgive me for being a bit blunt, but it sounds like you're setting yourself up to get derailed again.... or worse, to derail someone else. Either way, can I suggest that you take a chance on someone you actually have an attraction to? I think you're a lot less likely to run into a situation like this, regardless of who creates it. I understand that it's tough and scary, but who ever said that the dating/relationship game was easy? It's not... but two things are for sure: (1) you can't play the game if you can't lose, and (2) the answer is always no if you don't ask.

    I won't get into "who-played-who" in this scenario because I don't have all the facts... but Caslon is 150% right, be glad that the consequences weren't worse. A little wounded pride and heartache are very small prices to pay. Even so, I hope you learned this: "Don't act like you have no life" is not one of the rules of the game; "Be who you are" is.... fewer people (including yourself) are likely to get hurt if you stick to that.

    You've got a lot of time ahead of you to work this all out, kid... no need to rush.
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    Nov 08, 2007 4:54 PM GMT
    xKorix, as others have said, you did make some mistakes, you are young so put it down to a learning experience. However, the other guy sounds like the type of male (gay or straight) you will come across everything so often. They get a kick out of pursuing then conquering a person they find attractive, once they reach their goal they lose interest. They are not great people to have a relationship with since they usually have trouble being faithful.

  • Nov 08, 2007 7:27 PM GMT
    This was pretty interesting in my mind, you know I just got out of a relationship that I thought would hurt when in reality it didn't. I have found I am attracted to personalities almost if the guy was hot as hell. Well that backfired, I found out the dude had cheated on me multiple times, I asked why, I mean looking at the people I just couldnt figure it out. They were not attractive, and my boy himseld wasnt all that great. Well basically he told me that alot of people hit on me all the time, and he figured I would move on and mess around just because I could. Lets just say I told him to get over his insecurites because it just led to a breakup with the best thing he probably could ever get. I have pride in myself and know I can mess around with a good handful of guys, well just because I can doesn't mean I will. I take pride in myself enought to know I don't do one nighters, and I would never cheat on the guy I love.
    Your story is interesting because you say you werent interested, well buddy, don't put yourself down as to say they guys you want never want you, whats the worst that can happen if you go up to a hot guy and say hi, he reject you, oh well whatever. Never look at yourself and think I am not worth that, yeah you are, and if you have a personality that is beautiful, its the jerk on the other end thats an ass.
    Point is you shouldn't have played with this guy if you didnt see anything, maybe its in your head you got rejected and you want clarification as to why he did that to you. I don't blame you in all, the guy himself seems to have played a game, yeah hooking up with younger guys, but you also were in it, so I guess you both had a part. Slap on the hand to both of you, lol.
    Dude just move on, meet someone you will like and go from there.
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    Nov 09, 2007 1:56 AM GMT
    There are a lot of guys out there who are very tactful with regards to getting someone to sleep with them. Step 1. They are attracted to you, but strictly wanna just sleep with you.
    Step 2. They strike a conversation with you. By the time the conversation is over, they know whether you are a relationship type, or the bed-hopping type.
    Step 3. So you are the relationship type. The MO changes. You converse some more (later; twice or thrice), You exchange numbers, he overwhelms you with compliments (nice teeth yada yada), the fool in you is attached to him, even trusts him. Two weeks later, you, or the fool in you (whichever you prefer) sleeps with him. A while (a very very short while)later, he is gone like a thief, prowling for the next fella.

    While this may not resonate to your situation, I just figured it might help.
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    Nov 15, 2007 10:53 PM GMT
    I do not want to tell my story, but I know how you feel and I have gone through something that is very similar to what you went through. It was a hard decision, but I decided that it was not worth it. I would rather not be in a "relationship" if I do not love him or even have an interest in him. I figured it would be safer and smarter to end it than to go any farther.

    I guess you can say I have this whole "Be true to myself" thing going on. Yeah it sucks and I feel that I am going to be a guy who lives with one hundred cats and that the neighbors' kids are going to run past my house cause they think I will kidnap them and feed them to my cats. ;) But if it means I am happy, I would rather be alone than with someone that I do not love.

    Personally, I am just focusing on me. I am working out for ME, I am doing my school work for ME, I am having fun for ME, and I am living for ME. As much as I want a relationship and to go straight to husband and husband (and all that goes with it), I would rather wait until the right moment. I do not know when that is, but it excites me to think of what it will be like when we find each other, start to date, our first kiss, and all else. But until then, I am fine waiting.

    Plus my friends are here so I never really feel alone. You should turn to your friends. If anything, they can be your shield and your sword (or wand ;) Who knows, they could introduce you to some one. (That is how I met the first real love of my life. We would still be together, but we live on different sides of the country.)

    Never settle. There are billions of people out there and the guy that you love and will love you in return could be lying in wait for you to find him, he could be scaling mountains and fighting off monsters to find you, or the two of you might already know each other and one day you two will look up and realize that you both were always there.
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    Nov 16, 2007 12:42 AM GMT
    Well said, Red.
    He wised up to what you were and dumped you. Go back and reread your story switching the pronouns. The right person got dumped with the appropriate ceremony.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2007 2:06 AM GMT
    I agree with Red and Firecat.

    The guy is older than you, and clearly wise enough to see what you were up to.

    Nobody wants to be treated as the one who will "do for now". The fact that you got all hurt when he stopped wanting you is known in this life as a "taste of your own medicine."

    From here, learn from your mistake and make sure you don't repeat it to somebody else - everybody has a heart and you don't have the right to go around breaking other people's willingly.
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Nov 16, 2007 2:20 AM GMT
    So he left me a message today and wants to chill on the weekend. I figure its my chance to tell him the truth that I'm not really into him. I realized you can't force yourself to like someone and that leading someone on for whatever excuse is a very bad idea. I mean he is an attractive guy but aside from that, I don't feel much. I'd rather not burn bridges though, because he is a prominent person in the gay community.
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    Nov 16, 2007 1:25 PM GMT
    The honourable thing to thing with that invitation is to politely decline. you cannot have things both ways - not wanting to "lead him on" yet not wanting to "burn bridges" sounds like you are still trying to hedge your bets. You state quite clearly you are not that interested in him. To accept that invitation IS leading him on.

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    Nov 16, 2007 1:32 PM GMT
    Again, I'm not going to get into who-played-who the last time, but if it was him playing you the last time, do you really want to set yourself up to get played again?

    Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Nov 16, 2007 2:45 PM GMT
    I called him back, no answer. He called me back a few hours later, he sounded quite nervous. He asked about this weekend, I declined and told him I wasn't feeling the friendship, but I didn't want us to be enemies or mean to each other. He asked why is it over, I said I was unsure from the start. He sounded quite sad and honestly I felt kind of sad after too. It was kind of hard doing that, and it was scary as hell. I was freaking out for like a solid hour before we even spoke. But yeah thanks for all the comments and opinions, I really appreciate them. It makes me think outside my box and see the situation differently.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Nov 16, 2007 3:32 PM GMT
    Well done Korix. I think you did the right thing not agreeing to meet him. You're just not into him, so why prolong things.

    Life will be full of these experiences and we all learn from them (hopefully...though you're never too old to make mistakes).

    Lozx
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    Nov 16, 2007 3:45 PM GMT
    I think you handled things well, xKorikx. All of us, especially when we're first experimenting with sex and relationships, find ourselves in confusing circumstances. You meet someone who, from every objective perspective, seems like a real "catch," but, no matter how hard you try, you just don't "feel" it.

    I think it's admirable that you told him how you were feeling and then made the decision not to further the drama by seeing him again.