The myth of the unobtainable straight man: An open rant to fags who fixate on breeders

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    May 16, 2009 5:46 PM GMT
    It is time to look for a day job to supplement my dance income. I'm tired of depending these last six months on the whim of patrons. This week has been the single worst I've had in nearly a year... It's so bad that I've considered some options that, for me, aren't options. And, to top it off, there's a long-standing issue that is coming more to the fore as the economy goes from bad to poor...

    There is a particular fetish that has been built up to the point that it is endemic amongst gay men, and, to be frank, it's completely pissing me off. It's particularly bad in Atlanta. And I'm going to rant about it. And if you don't want to read it, then you better come back another day. Because I'm just about to the point, after several years of brushing it off with "Well, everyone has their preferences," of telling gay men to go fuck themselves.

    People want what they can't have.

    Bullshit! They want what they've been told they want.

    Gay men have been programmed by a homophobic society to believe that straight men are the pennacle of sexuality/sexual desire/atractiveness (which fits, given that this affords preference to the heterosexual men who create and reinforce this ludicrous supposition). Gay men have been damaged by this homophobic society to the point that they can't even be nice to each other, because we haven't been given the opportunity to learn how to conceptualize anything beyond the stereotypical hook ups that straight men corner us into accepting as our lot as the dysfunctional perverts they think we are (and which we've too often become). Also, because there are no institutions that empower same-sex desire/love/relationships that balance out the institutions that disempower same-sex desire/love/relationships, there is no wide-scale acceptance amongst most gay men that it's even a true possibility. No, it's not enough that a few states in New England have finally legalized gay marriage in the last year or two. So don't even put that up as an argument, or I will have to slap the taste out of your mouth.

    And so, here we are. Left with the self-loathing homophobia that powers gay libidos. All these gay slots and tabs looking for straight counterparts. Well, excuse me, but fuck you. BrokeStraightGuys.com? Fuck you! FirstGaySex.com? Fuck you too!

    I was told to my face last night that if I "were to just be a straight guy" I'd be "perfect" and then this patron "could finally get a lap dance" from me. Go get therapy, asshole. That says a whole lot more about you than it does me.

    And since I'm being completely honest here:

    Straight men ARE obtainable. Look around, you stupid fags! Seventy-five to ninety percent of the men in gay porn are STRAIGHT. The same proportion are straight in gay clubs with male dancers. Don't delude yourself anymore. For being unobtainable, they sure look pretty obtainable to me with their legs up in the air. "I'd have to get alot of money to do anything gay." Oh? What does this mean, breeder? That you think it contemptable, nasty, dirty, perverted? And so then, stupid fags, HOW IS IT DESIREABLE TO SEE A STRAIGHT GUY DO THAT WHICH HE HATES? How does this build up your gay identity to demean a straight man who is only tolerating your loathsome self because of money? And you think that's hot? You think it's hot to see a straight dude cringe with pain and disgust as he's getting ram-fucked for $x??? You're worse than the straight guy. Get out of my sight.

    If all the straight men in gay adult entertainment were removed from it, the industry would be bereft of talent, because there wouldn't be hardly anyone left doing it. And do you want to know why? Because YOU keep buying into the utterly fucked up notion that straight men are better than gay men.

    Here's a wake up call: Most of the breeders you give all your money to walk away from you, removing their smiling faces from your presence, and then go talk shit about you once you're out of earshot. Period. End of discussion. I have held my tongue for a very long time, but I'm about to the point of calling them out when they talk shit in front of me about YOU. And if that doesn't work I'm going to go to the patrons and tell them what is being said about them. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to put up with this anymore. I think it's fair to level the playing field: I'm just an undesireable homo? Okay. Fine. Well the straight guys are dickheads who generally despise you, even though they're the ones "lowering themselves" in the first place. Now who's more desireable? Oh? It's still the straight guy? You know what, I don't want your money after all. Use it to get some Zyprexa. You need it.

    To deny you are oppressed is to aid in your oppression, but to pay for your oppression with your own effort and resources renders you a slave. A fully neurotic slave. Get therapy. (Get that Zyprexa I just mentioned.) Get a life. Get out of my face.

    "But I like men who act like men." You're going to say that to me?? Right into my m
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    May 16, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    "But I like men who act like men." You're going to say that to me?? Right into my motherfucking face?! Fuck you! How about I punch you in your goddamned mouth for saying that to me? Would that make me butch enough to get a lap dance out of your pansy ass? Nevermind, I don't give lap dances to fags. Only straight guys. There, how's that? How stupid does that sound? Now try hearing it from the other direction, and think about why I'm so pissed.

    The straight entertainers will NEVER be yours. Not even sexually. It doesn't matter how many times you pay to touch them. It doesn't matter how many times you pay to suck their cocks. It doesn't matter how many times you pay to have sex with them. It doesn't matter how many times you pay for anything. You are paying for their tricked-out rides, for their girlfriend's boob job, for their steroids, for their babies, and for their contempt. You are wasting your time, money, and hope when you give them to straight men. I've been saying this throughout my entire blog, even going back to almost the very beginning with "Gay men fawning over straight dancers."

    You are far, far, far, far, far more likely to get your cock in a straight guy's ass at Swinging Richards than a gay one's. If you hear of someone getting bareback fucked in VIP, who is it? One of the gay dancers? No. Never. Not once in two years have I seen a gay dancer get fired/suspended from that club for having sex in VIP. So then, here's where the logic loses its legs: If straight guys are so fucking unobtainable, why are they the only ones putting out? You think you can go to Blake's and pick me up for free on a Wednesday night? Fuck you, you'd better save up your money to buy one of the unobtainable straight guys you like so much, because you'll NEVER get this proudly flaming fag to do in VIP what those nasty straight tricks do as their default setting. Who's unobtainable now, asshole?
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    May 16, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    dancerjack saidGay men have been programmed by a homophobic society to believe that straight men are the pennacle of sexuality/sexual desire/attractiveness...

    Your premise continues from there. I can't say whether that's true for other gay men, and to what extent or percentage.

    But be aware that it does not apply to ME. And I cannot believe that I am the only gay man who feels the same way.

    I feel your hurt so badly that I ache, and don't know what to do about it, how to fix it. I guess I can't.

    Just be reassured that at least some of us gay men do not buy into the model you propose of the inferior gay man, versus the superior straight man in society. Vain though I may be (and that's considerable!), I surrender no ground to any straight man.

    I am as masculine, as brave, as tough and as ballsy as anything that ever wore a pair of jeans. And even if I wasn't, what should that matter in the final analysis?

    I can run circles around most straight men, on any level you choose, on any topic you wish. And so can millions of other gay men, and far better than me. I refuse to accept inferiority to straight men in any sense.

    On the contrary, it was coming out gay that made me achieve things I had never done before, when I was closeted as a straight man. My strength is being gay, not my weakness at all.

    You are right that many gay men are intimidated and cowered by the things you mention. But not all are, and it is the truth of our power that will set us free.
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    May 16, 2009 7:11 PM GMT
    Gay club culture, especially where there are male dancers and/or cabarets have always been kind of a strange environment to me. A lot of people are living in fantasy in one way or another and the second they walk through those doors they're out of touch with reality. And gay bars really are not reality...for those of us who don't live in gay meccas with large gay neighborhoods like Castro in San Francisco walking into a gay bar is kind of like walking into the land of Oz. You're greeted with scantily clad muscular men dancing on the bar, and a witty sparkling drag queen is making jokes usually at the expense of someone else where if they did or said the same thing to someone while dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, no make up with their bald head showing they'd probably get the crap beaten out of them. To some guys it seems like everything is possible. They don't want anything coming to rain on their parade which is what an openly gay man is. It's definitely not a healthy way to live, but that's what's going to happen until they break that denial and realize that fantasy isn't as pretty as the reality.

    So It'd be so easy for me to sit here on the outside and say "let them fantasize," but I would never do that. I'd say, if the environment you're working in is psychologically unhealthy and it's becoming unrewarding financially, then the day job is a good idea. That way you can be a bit more selective about when and where you dance. Hopefully, it will be easier to blow off the crap that goes along with that line of work as well since it won't be something that you devote such a huge source of your energy to. You can't change your clientelle or your co-workers...you may be able to shut them up temporarily, but that doesn't do anything really except take the buzzing out of your ear.

    I hope you find the best solution for yourself soon.
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    May 16, 2009 7:24 PM GMT
    Marry me

    (legs in the air)
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    May 16, 2009 7:28 PM GMT
    A lot of times, all it takes to get in a straight guy's pants is a six-pack and a dirt road, and most times you don't need either. As long as it isn't "gay" or he doesn't think it's "gay" a straight guy will do it.

    People like sex, bottom line.
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    May 16, 2009 7:36 PM GMT


    Oh dang, us too, Red. Neither of us has ever fantasized or felt inferior in that way to a straight guy.

    Any fantasizing about straight men was when we were in our teens, and it wasn't because they were straight, it was because they were cute. Such fantasies usually died when the object of this teenage crushiness opened their yap and neanderthal goings on came out. heheh

    That's an exaggeration! - don't want to insult my straight friends who sometimes come to this site to see what's going on.

    I had a crush on a guy in high school and we were best friends. But it wasn't because he was straight (I never did tell him). At that time they were still locking gays up and electro shocking them in institutions among other treatments.... I thought at that time (1972) that there were, say, about 3 gay men in the world ...me, someone in perhaps the US and another in Russia..icon_lol.gif

    Dancerjack I've witnessed what you're talking about as far back as 1975...
    I knew guys then that ONLY had the hots for straights! Talk about miserable. The clubs were FULL of gay men - there was no shortage (and man was I happy about that!), so what the heck?!?!?

    -Doug
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    May 16, 2009 7:37 PM GMT
    Logan took my dirt road line.

    Do whatever makes you happy as long as you don't hurt others, or want others to pay for it.

    Gay culture is pretty messed up, but, it's evolving, I think, to the better, but, there are some really weird folks around.

    You just sort through the riff raff.
  • ASUbusy

    Posts: 79

    May 16, 2009 7:42 PM GMT
    I don't know that I wholly agree but this was very well written and thought out. One of the more interesting reads for sure!
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    May 16, 2009 7:48 PM GMT
    Wow, that rant was EPIC! Love it!

    It is a bit curious and expected, this allure straights seem to hold for some gay men. For me it reeks of self-contempt and mockery that so many of us will give money/patronage to men who otherwise want nothing to do with us. I've seen it first hand: the "straight" dancers at a gay bar get tipped while the smiling gay dancer gets nothing from his supposed brothers. Furthermore, how is it you can claim to be "gay for pay" (or "straight") yet take a dick up your ass or mouth. Sorry, but if you're crossing that line the boundaries break down. It's odd how there's a rise in demand for bb porn and straight for pay at the same time as gays are assimilated into the larger society and disenfranchised by the larger society.

    This issue is one which began imho when gays starting emulating some stylings of "real" straight men in the 1970's; what we have today is merely the continuation/evolution of a problematic relationship where the gay body is inferior to a straight one (I know that's a general statement and perhaps later I'll add on it...but not today...you can look up the idea if it's new to ya). Maybe a progressive road to take is to stop comparing ourselves to straight men and learning to appreciate our own (aesthetic) qualities as gay men.
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    May 16, 2009 7:58 PM GMT
    Get a hold of yourself. icon_smile.gif

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    May 16, 2009 8:08 PM GMT
    can someone give me the readers digest condensed version icon_eek.gif
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    May 16, 2009 8:22 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidcan someone give me the readers digest condensed version icon_eek.gif

    Jack's out of decaf.

    j/k
    No really, he's calling out the gay community for actions that emphasize the value or desirability of str8 conquest at the expense of genuine gay men.
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    May 16, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    Wow. I can see your point dancerjack. Yes, there is this obsession going around about straight men. I think you hit the nail in the head saying that it is mostly about society (and the media) reinforcing how much straight man are the pinnacle of masculinity, thought I would like to add that only certain kind of straight men are the ones being alluded.

    But I disagree that it is because society is primarily being homophobic. It is being heterosexist. Subtle but important difference. Seeing that it is only in the last decades that gayness has gotten more commonplace (but certainly not omnipresent) in the media and culture I wouldn't be to quickly to judge them for their heterosexism,

    On the other hand, heterosexism getting into us too is another thing... you'll think that of all people it would be us the ones enabled to create a strong cultural/social foundation that could serve us to have equal footing to our straight brothers. On a seemingly unrelated topic, some male cousins and I were having a conversation about how much sexist attitudes (in detriment of the women in our family) operated in our big extended family, and not so incredibly enough, we ended up seeing how the worse cases of it were the women themselves (our aunts, our mothers, our cousins,...) willingly accepting and teaching things like "boys will be boys" and "let him be the man of your house" and "don't question/confront him" and on and on.

    My point is, there are no unwilling victims as far as this game of certain-kind-of-persons-are-superior.

    How do we move about to end that role-play that is going on between us and straight men is perhaps a more broad question that I would like. But I bet everyone here has a good idea about the direction in which that answer would point. And yes, I believe those people and Canada and New England (And Spain, The Netherlands, Belgium, Sweden, South Africa, etc.) are laying pretty strong foundations for that, even if still would take a while.
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    May 16, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    I am not so sure about the "we want what we are told to want" bit.

    The single largest selling segment of the gay porn market is bareback porn, which was almost non existent ten years ago.

    On the internet, gay4pay has a huge share of the market. But trade has been a part of gay sexual life since forever. I was reading a book about public sex in the 50's and trade was a ubiquitous part of that world and still is.

    Watch almost any straight porn and there will be girl on girl scenes.

    We want not what we can't have, necessarily, we want what is forbidden. Hence the desire for straight men or lesbians in the case of heterosexual fantasy. Hence bareback sex being fetishized only after it became an industry standard in the wake of AIDS. That sexual desire for the tabooed is as old as Eden.

    Certainly, its presence in the porn market informs our own sexual desires. Why else would the BDSM scene have a rather stilted language of leather vests and gimp suits? Desire for straight men resonates with certain men who want the forbidden. How do you get rid of that particular manifestation of a universal desire?

    My bet is that this fetish is one with a short shelf life. The queer youth of today aren't packing the gay clubs and groups like they used to. Many queer youth socialize and flirt along side their hetero counterparts in venues open to people of all sexualities, in much the same way fetish clubs have been pan-sexual for decades. Will gay men still want straight men when desires are more fluid and less suppressed?

    But, I agree with your sentiment Jackie. icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 16, 2009 8:35 PM GMT
    Beaux said
    ActiveAndFit saidcan someone give me the readers digest condensed version icon_eek.gif

    Jack's out of decaf.
    j/k
    No really, he's calling out the gay community for actions that emphasize the value or desirability of str8 conquest at the expense of genuine gay men.
    you mean it is wrong to pound straight guys silly until they scream like women?
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    May 16, 2009 8:39 PM GMT
    This is why I love ya Jack.(well, that and your booty) Preach on sistah gurl!
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    May 16, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    I agree with a lot of the points in this "rant." However, I think it's equally disturbing how we let ourselves fall victim to the "nobody is worth it unless they've got six pack abs, massive pecs, biceps I'd like to suck, two legs, and 10 inches below the waist" mentality. Oops, I said that on Realjock.com.

    Discounting other people's worth on the basis of "straight-acting" or "straight-being" is as bad as shunning a gay guy from being a friend/date/mate/etc. on the basis of his physical fitness level (or steroid usage depending on the case). You're going to say, "But that's what I'm attracted to and there's nothing wrong with that." Ok, but it's the same argument with different biases. Most likely, however, this reply will simply be ignored because it's another one of my unpopular opinions.

    If I met a great guy who wasn't chiseled, I'd still give him the chance. That's not saying I'd drop all my standards. It's all about the fixer-uppers/works in progress. I want someone real as a friend or beyond. Acting unlike oneself or building a rockin' body as a wall to shield one's true self should be unattractive to all. Of course, why should anyone listen to me? My abs aren't on display.
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    May 16, 2009 8:49 PM GMT
    It comes down to gay men's low self esteem and when they get to do something with a straight guy it's an esteem booster, as in "I am so desirable that even straight men want me.". I don't think it goes much beyond that.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 16, 2009 8:52 PM GMT
    I feel for ya buddy... there's a lot that goes on in that industry, and it's rough. but i applaud you for having morals in terms of what you feel comfortable doing and not compromising that belief.
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    May 16, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    dannyboy1101 said Of course, why should anyone listen to me? My abs aren't on display.
    We are listening danny! icon_lol.gif
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    May 16, 2009 9:03 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    dannyboy1101 said Of course, why should anyone listen to me? My abs aren't on display.
    We are listening danny! icon_lol.gif


    Haha... now we just need to find a bass/baritone version so it sounds more straight-acting.
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    May 16, 2009 9:10 PM GMT
    You don't get it. Those straight guys in porn are there because they're either drug addicts, gambling addicts, fathers of multiple children who have no other choice than to do this, have little to no education and can't find anything else besides selling drugs. This is the bottom of the barrel for them, if they are willing to have bareback sex to feed their drug addiction, etc., they obviously don't care if they have to have gay sex in order to get the money for their fix. They don't even see it - all they see is the money, their dealer, and getting high. This has nothing to do with 'straight guys being attainable'. They are, as long as you're willing to give them all the heroin, cash or pay off their kids' mom. Gee, that's got to be liberating for gay men.

    The problem is that there are way too few gay men in the real world and of those too few men too many look, act, walk, talk, dress and do everything the same which is an instant turnoff for the majority of us - it's overkill and there is no way out. You're stuck with whatever selection you've got, and for most of us, apparently, it disgusts us. Otherwise, these 'straight boys gone wild!', 'straight military meat' and whatever other 'straight guy' sites wouldn't be raking in millions upon million of dollars from the most gullible gay men who really think that they're going to find someone like that. Good luck. Our number one problem is that no gay man walking this earth has learned what most straight people learned in 7th grade. Fantasy is not reality, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much better you think you look or act than other gay men, you're still gay. You aren't a woman. Those guys, at the end of the day are looking for a woman just like you are looking for a guy. Their luxury is that they actually have a shot at getting a hot girl, while we what's called a shot in hell of ever finding the kind of guy we truly would want to be with. Out of desperation we are stuck with guys we would probably never have wanted in the first place, but because there's nothing else to pick from we go for it and it usually ends within a year. Just look at how fast the interest in sex stops in a gay relationship. We have been programmmed to jerk off to straight guys on the internet rather than learn how to talk to living, breathing gay men while sober and in places that aren't dark and full of cigarette smoke. We got a long ways to go. This whole gay marriage thing is a fucking comedy - watch it happen and 90% of these couples will be history after a year.
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    May 16, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
    Terrific post, salient, intelligent, bonerific.

    Some men do want what they cannot have, gay or straight.

    Some men have trouble with their sexuality and lusting after a masculine (straight-acting) or straight guy is easier and causes them less pain.

    Some men are told, through society, that straight men are 'better' and/or 'hotter' and thus more desirable. This is bolstered by a society that can refer to gays as 'sick' or 'mentally ill'.

    Some men objectify people, learning this from people around them. You really can't be gay and go after a straight guy without displacing your respect for him and his sexuality with your overriding objectification.


    I'm sorry to hear that you were told that you'd be such a terrific guy if only you didn't have [single unacceptable quality]. That sucks. It's a great way for a human being to directly interact with another and marginalize a person while objectifying him at the same time; it's quite dehumanizing. I've had that happen often in my past when my weight was so high ("You'd be a perfect boyfriend if you were thinner", but not so much these days).

    Keep your spirit up!
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    May 16, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
    Dancerjack, you are a very cool, smart guy. I've read enough of your posts to know that. You also have a wicked sense of humor. I used to think that gay men were smarter and more sensitive that straight people, but the idiotic comment that if you were a straight guy you'd be perfect certainly nailed the coffin shut on my theory. Truly sorry anyone would say that!