a demeaning BF (then i met his mother)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2009 9:07 PM GMT
    i have been dating this guy for 9 months now...and i do love him..but he has a tendancy to be demeaning.....if i ask a question or make a staement...its not often WHAT he says but how he says it. Sometimes i am often made to feel quite stupid (i am not i have a post grad degree)..........then i met his mum, and shes the same..if not worse (i had a cinematic flash to the future).

    am i kidding myself he will change? should i move on before i resent him.

    I always immediately ask him why hes talking to me like i am stupid...which shocks him and he apologises....but this change seems to last very few days.....I am a very direct honest person and dont use sarcasm or tone to make people feel bad.....if they need to feel bad its because they have crossed a line and i will camly tell them........i dont understand the need to demean somone.


    advice....be honest please...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2009 10:47 PM GMT
    Give him a taste of his own medicine!
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    May 20, 2009 10:47 PM GMT
    Here's reality, headless guy: folks don't change very much. You either accept them, or don't. If you've been with this guy for nine months, and he's pissing you off, and it's not working, it's time to explore other options.

    There are 7 BILLION folks in the world. You ARE NOT going to hit it off with every one of them. Folks are replaceable. Tell him he needs to straighten up, or you're moving on, or better yet, he's likely not going to straighten up so it's time for you to cut your losses and find someone knew.

    Relationships shouldn't piss you off. They should be easy. They should be magic. If you're constantly pissed off in a relationship, you're either intolerant, a slow learner, enjoy misery, or you're just plain stupid. That's the truth.

    Don't do what the poster said just above me and "give him a dose of his own medicine"..., that's just all immature bullshit drama and games.

    If you've addressed with him, and it's still an issue, you either put up, shut up, or move along. Life isn't that complicated.

    You may wish to ponder what you're calling "love" for him. It might be something else. It might be that you're afraid to leave a comfort zone, to lazy to make a change, unwilling to be tolerant, or just plain stupid.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    May 20, 2009 10:53 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidHere's reality, headless guy: folks don't change very much. You either accept them, or don't.
    This is true.

    chuckystud said
    Folks are replaceable.
    People are not replaceable, you just don't have to associate with all of them!

    chuckystud said
    Relationships shouldn't piss you off. They should be easy. They should be magic. If you're constantly pissed off in a relationship, you're either intolerant, a slow learner, enjoy misery, or you're just plain stupid. That's the truth.
    Relationships, especially deep, intimate ones are not easy. Two people growing together is never easy.

    chuckystud said
    You may wish to ponder what you're calling "love" for him. It might be something else.
    It's not fair to judge whether or not someone else is in love or not. I would assume he is and leave it at that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2009 10:56 PM GMT
    Chucky is just as headless today as Craigjd.
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    May 20, 2009 11:02 PM GMT
    If this happened to me, and I was in your place - I think I'd ask the bf to sit down some quiet night - and just say, "You know - things are good with us, for the most part, don't you think? But there is something that is impacting our relationship." And then I'd tell him how you FEEL about his behavior. I'd explain what you'd like to see change. I'd give him a chance to modify the behavior and then if I didn't see improvement in 30 days - I'd sit down with him again and have the "We need to discuss our future" talk.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2009 11:06 PM GMT
    swimbikerun said
    chuckystud saidHere's reality, headless guy: folks don't change very much. You either accept them, or don't.
    This is true.

    chuckystud said
    Folks are replaceable.
    People are not replaceable, you just don't have to associate with all of them!

    chuckystud said
    Relationships shouldn't piss you off. They should be easy. They should be magic. If you're constantly pissed off in a relationship, you're either intolerant, a slow learner, enjoy misery, or you're just plain stupid. That's the truth.
    Relationships, especially deep, intimate ones are not easy. Two people growing together is never easy.

    chuckystud said
    You may wish to ponder what you're calling "love" for him. It might be something else.
    It's not fair to judge whether or not someone else is in love or not. I would assume he is and leave it at that.



    swimbikerun: wow, exactly what i thought. couldn't have said it bettericon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    Don't take his condescension lying down. I assume that he cares about you and this relationship as well, and in the past you've told him several times about this nasty habit of his. So far with no permanent results.
    Next time he talks down to you, acknowledge what he just did and tell him immediately that you are pissed off and make him feel stupid/insensitive/uncaring for upsetting you yet again. Stay upset with him for a while and he has to make it up to you. If he cares about you enough, you should not need many reps, to wean him off this.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    May 20, 2009 11:12 PM GMT
    basti83 said
    swimbikerun said
    chuckystud saidHere's reality, headless guy: folks don't change very much. You either accept them, or don't.
    This is true.

    chuckystud said
    Folks are replaceable.
    People are not replaceable, you just don't have to associate with all of them!

    chuckystud said
    Relationships shouldn't piss you off. They should be easy. They should be magic. If you're constantly pissed off in a relationship, you're either intolerant, a slow learner, enjoy misery, or you're just plain stupid. That's the truth.
    Relationships, especially deep, intimate ones are not easy. Two people growing together is never easy.

    chuckystud said
    You may wish to ponder what you're calling "love" for him. It might be something else.
    It's not fair to judge whether or not someone else is in love or not. I would assume he is and leave it at that.



    swimbikerun: wow, exactly what i thought. couldn't have said it bettericon_wink.gif

    basti83!!! Let's get married! lol icon_razz.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2009 11:17 PM GMT
    swimbikerun said
    basti83 said
    swimbikerun said
    chuckystud saidHere's reality, headless guy: folks don't change very much. You either accept them, or don't.
    This is true.

    chuckystud said
    Folks are replaceable.
    People are not replaceable, you just don't have to associate with all of them!

    chuckystud said
    Relationships shouldn't piss you off. They should be easy. They should be magic. If you're constantly pissed off in a relationship, you're either intolerant, a slow learner, enjoy misery, or you're just plain stupid. That's the truth.
    Relationships, especially deep, intimate ones are not easy. Two people growing together is never easy.

    chuckystud said
    You may wish to ponder what you're calling "love" for him. It might be something else.
    It's not fair to judge whether or not someone else is in love or not. I would assume he is and leave it at that.



    swimbikerun: wow, exactly what i thought. couldn't have said it bettericon_wink.gif

    basti83!!! Let's get married! lol icon_razz.gif



    haha and i thought that gay marriage is not allowed in california icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2009 11:28 PM GMT
    swimbikerun said
    chuckystud saidHere's reality, headless guy: folks don't change very much. You either accept them, or don't.
    This is true.

    chuckystud said
    Folks are replaceable.
    People are not replaceable, you just don't have to associate with all of them!

    chuckystud said
    Relationships shouldn't piss you off. They should be easy. They should be magic. If you're constantly pissed off in a relationship, you're either intolerant, a slow learner, enjoy misery, or you're just plain stupid. That's the truth.
    Relationships, especially deep, intimate ones are not easy. Two people growing together is never easy.

    chuckystud said
    You may wish to ponder what you're calling "love" for him. It might be something else.
    It's not fair to judge whether or not someone else is in love or not. I would assume he is and leave it at that.


    ABSOLUTE WIN. I think Chucky designed a programme for his computer to randomly generate replies from his cliches.

    128702282410215711.jpg
  • dh__

    Posts: 143

    May 20, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
    am there.
    my bf has a tendency to do the same with the demeaning bit. I can tell you now, it doesn't change. It can get easier and better, but they are the way they are and you can choose to roll with the punches, throw some of your own (which will usually blow up in your face like cheap pull toys), or move on.
    Either way neither will be easy. I guess it's more of a question of what you want for yourself.
    Personally, I hate the way he is most of the time, and I let him know often, and yes he apologizes, but despite how angry, aggrivated, and pissed off he makes time after time, he always does something odd, and goes out of his way to make it up and make me fall for him all over again.
    Will it ever be perfect, and will he ever really change. Probably not. Sry sad truth. But everyone has the rocks they have to deal with in their relationships. you just have to choose which ones you are willing to deal with and overlook
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    May 20, 2009 11:50 PM GMT



    Being demeaning is a sure way to make my pogo-stick limp. The implications of that are pretty far reaching....

    Bill says ditto.



    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2009 12:01 AM GMT
    I have to say I don´t think someone with snarky, demeaning comments would make it past the first date with me... but as dh___ says... you have to chose what is important for you. It´s never going to be perfect.
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    May 21, 2009 12:07 AM GMT
    Clearly his social behavior has been shaped by his family, and upbringing, and it sounds to me like he doesn't intend to take the tone, but does it almost instinctively. If that's the case then I think its more a matter of making sure he realizes he's doing it, so he can change.

    So my best advice to you would be to work with him to become more aware of when he's doing it, which in the long term will be a big help to him. I'm sure you're not the only one who he acts this way with, and this could seriously affect his ability to perform at his job.

    Maybe you could come up with some kind of signal or word, or something, so that when he takes that tone, he becomes aware of it.

    If he is spending a lot of time with his mother/family, that could impede in his breaking the habit. I certainly wouldn't want to tell a guy not to hang with his family, but in his case it might be the only way.

    If he's not willing to work to correct it, then I'd say move on. No one deserves to be talked down to, or verbally abused.
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    May 21, 2009 12:21 AM GMT
    If someone who's very close to you does not respect you, this is wierd -
    where were your eyes and ears 9 months ago, Mr.PhD?

    Probably it's not just bad habit - but rather him as is
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    May 21, 2009 1:04 AM GMT
    I can relate. At times my bf talks down to me, and he admits he doesn't really know he is doing it. And he says that's just how he is and he doesn't mean anything by it. Sometimes I like to remind him I am the one with the college education and that he didn't finish, but I don't.

    There is a lot of good advice here. And stuff I might try myself. I just try to remind him to not use that tone of voice with me. We argue, we fight, but we move on. He is getting a little better about it. I would like to see more improvement and I'm sure I will in time.

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    May 21, 2009 1:18 AM GMT
    I think you shouldn't worry about it too much unless it starts really bothering you a lot. Since you said he is surprised when you mention it, he probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. It's probably something he picked up from his mother. That being said, if it really bothers you, then he should at least show that he is trying to work on it.
  • stevendust

    Posts: 398

    May 21, 2009 1:22 AM GMT
    Don't be stupid and listen to people that say people don't change. I can be a very demeaning person naturally myself, but as you noted, it's because my family is often the same way to each other. I've learned when I'm with certain people that I need to change gears to be more considerate of how they are used to being treated. Luckily my guy can be the same way, and so often times I'm alright around him and vice versa, but we do tone down in certain moments that we each respectfully recognize.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 21, 2009 1:22 AM GMT
    Craigjd saidi have been dating this guy for 9 months now...and i do love him..but he has a tendancy to be demeaning.....if i ask a question or make a staement...its not often WHAT he says but how he says it. Sometimes i am often made to feel quite stupid (i am not i have a post grad degree)..........then i met his mum, and shes the same..if not worse (i had a cinematic flash to the future).

    am i kidding myself he will change? should i move on before i resent him.

    I always immediately ask him why hes talking to me like i am stupid...which shocks him and he apologises....but this change seems to last very few days.....I am a very direct honest person and dont use sarcasm or tone to make people feel bad.....if they need to feel bad its because they have crossed a line and i will camly tell them........i dont understand the need to demean somone.


    advice....be honest please...


    Honestly? No, he's probably not going to change. Unless it's something you are willing to live with and not take personally, or point out every single time he does it until he finally stops, you don't have a whole lot of options.
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    May 21, 2009 1:26 AM GMT
    I've also been in this situation. IMHO they won't change.
    You can't change them. I don't think that they want to change either ?
    It's been bred into them from their family. As you can see from meeting
    his Mom it usually stems from someone making them feel stupid.
    .... And so the cycle goes on and on !

    Question....
    Would you put up with this behavior from a close friend ? Probably not.
    What would you advise a friend if they were in the same position ?
    Be honest ! Now....TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE !
    It's amazing how much crap we're willing to put ourselves though
    for love. IMHO....love shouldn't hurt ! It should feel good not hurtful.
    Sure there will be bumps in the road. But the both of you should
    be open and able to take on the road TOGETHER ! If not....
    well you need to decide that for yourself.


  • handsoffire

    Posts: 178

    May 21, 2009 1:28 AM GMT
    My mom used to communicate this way. After a few months of me stopping her and saying listen to what you just said to me and how you just said it and tell me how you would re-act if some one spoke to you in that tone and with those words. IT took her a bit, and she's much better about it now. If she starts to fall off the wagon as it were, I just generally have to look at her now and she gets it. The word we used was "coaching". She saw an episode of Oprah and asked me to coach her as her lines of communication with my brothers were a bit twisted.
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    May 21, 2009 1:30 AM GMT
    stevendust saidDon't be stupid and listen to people that say people don't change. I can be a very demeaning person naturally myself, but as you noted, it's because my family is often the same way to each other. I've learned when I'm with certain people that I need to change gears to be more considerate of how they are used to being treated. Luckily my guy can be the same way, and so often times I'm alright around him and vice versa, but we do tone down in certain moments that we each respectfully recognize.



    Good for you Stevendust !
    Obviously you can be introspective about your behavior .
    Let's just hope Cragd's man can do the same. :-)
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    May 21, 2009 1:49 AM GMT
    For the record haivng a degree doesn't make you smart.

    As for your BF being so demeaning towards you you should ask yourself why is that? Is it really part of his nature to be this way? Does he just do it to you or does he truly act this way towards everyone? If it's just you then I would say that's a big red flag. It could be a superiority complex and it could mean he thinks he is better and smarter then you. The fact that you've noticed this and yet still tolerate it also a big red flag. Merely calling him out on it doesn't solve the problem.

    Sure. Announcing that you are aware of his demeaning attitude towards you lets him know you don't like it but if you don't got the full monty in correcting him then of course he's gonna continue doing it. It's like when a kid is told repeadtly to stop doing something. They don't listen til they are given a reason to listen. That's where you come in. You need to take charge of the situation and show him that you don't appreciate it especially if it's unwaranted. I say man up and show him he can't get away with such a thing.

    In this world you can't expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself. People will sense that like a dog can sense fear and they will continue to act accordingly towards until you decide to fix the problem. This is a problem because it could very easily lead on to other things. First it's a demeaning attitude then the next thing you know it's him banging some other dude in your bed. A lot of people here might not think it can go that route but I think it's quite possibly if you don't nip it in the bud.

    I think you are kidding yourself if you think he'll change on his own.
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    May 21, 2009 2:31 AM GMT
    easily fixed.. every time he's demeaning, you slap him

    when he asks you why you did that, you can tell him, every time hes demeaning or takes a demeaning tone its like a slap to the face..

    SOO.. you where just returning the slap..


    He'll learn very fast to not take a demeaning tone icon_smile.gif

    There... all fixed