I need some Advice

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    May 21, 2009 10:21 PM GMT
    So I've been "Dating" a guy for 3 months... He is older(by 6 years)- I am still in college... we see each other probably 3 times a week.

    After 3 months-it's about time to start talking about a relationship etc. ? right? So we did just that,I love him- not in love just yet- but strong feelings... These feeling are mutual..
    The conversation went just like this- I told him I am all for a committed relationship etc. but he tells me," I like sooo you much- I know you are as good as I can get, I can't think of anything I don't like about you... but I've just moved to Dallas and I havnt met that many people.I know in 6 months I will want to commit to you but now I can't "
    Should I walk away if an open relationship is NOT an option for me?

    How can I give him an ultimatum ?




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    May 21, 2009 10:50 PM GMT
    kkrun saidHow can I give him an ultimatum?

    Do not give him an ultimatum. For one thing, 3 months isn't that long. Some relationships start that quickly, others do not. Things are still early.

    I'm not sure what you mean by "open relationship" -- had he said or implied he's seeing other guys? Or are you assuming that?

    Maybe he needs to sample the local waters; don't pressure him. He'll either find you're the best for him, or he won't. He's got a right to choose for himself, too. Be on your best behavior, try to please him, hope you win his personal "Idol" contest.

    Give him his 6 months, and enjoy dating him. Either you guys will make it permanent, or you won't. This is what it's all about, my friend. You can't force him. Either you have what he wants, or you don't, in which case you look for another guy you might like you as much as you like him. It takes 2 to tango...
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    May 21, 2009 11:15 PM GMT
    Wow. Thanks man- I really need to hear something like that..

    I have no intension of rushing anything... it's just he brings it up a lot lately...

    No. He hasn't implied seeing other guys or said that- but by saying he hasn't met that many people in Dallas and wants too, I just assumed that meant possible relationship- sex. etc.

    Here is another issue... he has a very hectic work schedule-- 60 hours at the hospital... He usually calls me up and ask me to come over late sometimes... like 8pm . We never do much- maybe watch some tv.. never go eat, never go anywhere... we've went out only twice since we've been seeing each other for 3 months.

    I tell him all the time- I don't want to just be your "cuddle buddy" - (we haven't had sex- my choice)

    It's my first real relationship- so a lot of confusion especially in this situation.

    I really applicate you taking the time to write back.
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    May 21, 2009 11:32 PM GMT
    kkrun saidI really applicate you taking the time to write back.

    No problem, and there are a bunch of guys far smarter than me here, from whom you haven't heard yet, so be patient and wait for their input, too.

    I was surprised you said you had chosen not to have sex yet. Maybe you should, safely, of course. Nothing bonds like sex, and few things are as much fun.

    And while we're all different in what we want, being a "cuddle buddy" can be a lovely thing, dontcha think? I believe I understand you don't wanna be just that alone, but at the same time I hope you are doing that, at least.

    Otherwise, you might sound more like a couple of "hang-out" buddies, who could be straight just as well as gay. How do you see this relationship? A committed gay relationship typically involves sex and a fair amount of time together, with the element of romance. You are not describing that. Do I misunderstand?
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    May 21, 2009 11:45 PM GMT
    I think you need to find out what his definition of what "meeting people" means..

    if he means sex and you are uncomfortable with that then talk about it and see what happens, if he's just looking for friendship then kewl

    I think you both need to start defining the boundaries of your relationship, things that you are both agreeable on, such as an open relationship and so on, don't state your case as absolute, but as what you believe is best for you and let him talk.

    however, I have seen this many times so the discussion does not imply agreement, it's just a discussion.

    If you can understand his meaning behind his words then you'll be better equipped to understand what he's saying and the only way to do that is to explore that aspect. So ask him. So many times problems arise because couples don't understand each other, you listen to someone talk and your so gunhoe on "connecting" and "understanding him" that you forget to understand his words and make assumptions based on what you believe not what he believes.

    His idea of meeting people could just mean he doesn't want a committed relationship where he might feel obliged right now to consult with you if he's going to do something.. you don't know though until you ask him
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    May 22, 2009 1:31 AM GMT
    kkrun said I've just moved to Dallas and I havnt met that many people.I know in 6 months I will want to commit to you but now I can't "

    Someone once said almost these identical words to me. Guess what "I haven't met that many people" meant? He soon took care of that problem by meeting quite a few. So much for the relationship.
    I hate to be the prophet of doom, but I wouldn't be too invested in this if I were you.
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    May 22, 2009 1:33 AM GMT
    *pops in , sees Red Vespa and lilTanker have said it all, and well! Waves and hops along to another topic*
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    May 22, 2009 1:35 AM GMT



    OOps sorry TexDef07 - Ouch, good point.
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    May 22, 2009 1:47 AM GMT
    I think all of you guys have it right on.

    I just moved to Chicago and have been 'meeting a lot of people', too. I've been very upfront with every guy that I've met and told them I'm not really looking right now for anything serious. On the one hand I think making a big move is a big change so I'm not emotionally mature enough right now to settle down. But, I think I was using that kind of as a crutch or a way out if I needed it. So, I've recently stopped saying it and have just tried to enjoy it for what it is and if something special comes along, then great.

    I think you need to discuss specific boundaries with this dude. At 3 months you should be able to ask him if the two of you are in an exclusive relationship. If that's not what he wants, you need to decide what's best for you.

    Just my opinion.

    Oh, and he needs to take you on a date...and soon. Speak up and let him know you expect it. Men can find time when they want to.
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    May 22, 2009 1:49 AM GMT
    I wouldn't take, "meeting other people" to mean "screwing around."

    If he just moved there, he probably wants time to meet people ... his own age. icon_eek.gif

    Not that he doesn't have feelings for you, kk, but ... coming from someone who's dated a younger guy ... a lot of times they won't really jive with your friends. I was 25 and my bf was 20, and although I cared for him, I found the time spent with his friends (even though I did like them) PAINFUL after awhile. You have to understand, he's been where you've been ... and if my experience reflects upon your situation at all, the idea of going out to a frat/house party is enough to make your boy cringe internally.

    I think he wants time to hang with some colleagues and create a social network before he starts devoting more time to you and your relationship.

    But ... you know what the best way of knowing what he means when he says that? ASK HIM. Lol. Honesty is the best policy, so ... make sure he's getting what he wants, but ... don't sacrifice what you want. If a relationship is going to work, people need to be on the same page. icon_wink.gif
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    May 22, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    I appreciate all of the post. This is best site I've ever found- the forums are great.

    Communication is key. I complain about that with him-- but I'm actually the one not communicating very well... Not really telling him what I expect/want.

    I will be asking him to go out- and we can talk it through.

    Thanks guys appreciate it.