Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 22, 2009 10:16 PM GMT
    I haven't been in a committed relationship in nearly eight years. And it's not for lack of opportunity. Since getting myself into better shape & getting more prioritised with keeping goals, I'm meeting more guys than I did in all my years prior to the sport of making better of, as well as a name for myself. The typical, the local, and even the out of town gay men see me once with my shirt off, see me sing at the bar and think, I can start something with him. I tell them that I don't have time because of my busy work schedule--I go to school, work 2 jobs and about to set up a web site. But it's really because I've seen too many failed relationships to think one will ever work for me.

    My last serious relationship really scared me. My ex and I had an intelligent and seemingly good connection. We had a few things in common. We were engulfed in each other for over 8 months. He started earning my trust & loyalty over time; I was happy for a minute but it started to become more work than pleasure. Then suddenly we started to argue about our future as a couple. We didn't see eye to eye on anything anymore. I still don't understand how we went from being a sweet, smart couple to being 2 people who just couldn't plain stand the sight of each other, but we did.

    After we broke up, I was nervous and really scared. I began to question if relationships were really for me. How could I be so into another man, and he so into me, so much that we are like one person, and then it's just over? How could we make someone go from loving one another to not being able to stand one another anymore? I reasoned that if this is what love and relationships do to people, then I don't want to be a part of that.

    Since I don't have any intention of pursuing a relationship, I don't waste anyone's time. Awhile ago, I met this man who I really thought I could be with. He was a great guy, and I knew he would be a good better ½. I really liked him, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I lied and told him that I wasn't that into him. The truth is, I didn't want to take the chance of ruining a good friendship by getting closer to him. He said he understood and didn't pursue anything with me after that. Thankfully, we're still friends.

    As I'm getting older, I've tried to convince myself to give relationships another try. I want to believe that a couple can get together and live happily ever after. Every time I start to think that way, something happens around me that reinforces my belief that relationships don't work. Lately my biggest problem has been that gay men are more concerned with the title of "boyfriend" or "other ½" than they are with the OP who makes it happen. They aren't necessarily looking at the OP's character; they're looking at his job, crib and car. When I meet another man, I could be thoughtless or inconsiderate, but when he hears that I am single with no kids and a good job, he wants to get to know me anyway. I dated one man who, just two weeks after meeting me, was texting me to tell me how much he liked me. Then he invited me to meet his parents, and he wanted us to take a trip together. He was trying to take me from zero to 60 in two weeks and he didn't even know me!

    Right now, I just have friends. I think things change for the worse as soon as you put a title on the time you spend together. But not labeling what we're doing can be a problem, too. After a few dates, most men want to know, "Where are we going with this?" I tell them, "I've known you two weeks. We're going to the movies or Joe's Crab Shack." I've been in plenty of arguments because another man is getting too emotionally aggressive and he gets mad when I pull back from him. It’s not personal; I just know the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Shying away from relationships has left me with a void. Sometimes I get lonely because I don’t have a special man in my life, but I think being lonely for a spell is better than the possibility of being miserable for a lifetime.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 2:28 AM GMT
    TheWayItIs> I just know the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

    That's a self-fulfilling prophecy.


    TWII> Shying away from relationships has left me with a void

    You can't win if you don't enter.


    We all had to crawl before we could walk and we fell down a few times, right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 2:46 AM GMT
    you were into him because you were completely smitten with him.. 8 months isn't a time to grow real love, at least in my experience, respect, admiration, complete and utter sexual attraction causing you to lust after him deeply and almost desperately yes.. but love takes time, love takes work, love grows very slowly and dies even slower..

    you might have been really into this guy, but the likelyhood of you being in love with him is probably pretty slim.

    that doesn't negate the fact that you got hurt either, nor am I saying that you didn't have feelings for him.. on the contrary, I'm sure you had feelings for him.. they just weren't what you thought and maybe you might have moved to fast into it..

    everyone seems to willing to confess there love for each other, everyone wants to jump.. in a relationship that can last 40 years or more a year or two years or three years is a very short time..

    be open to the possibility of love with another person, but forget the eagerness to be inlove with another person, being eager causes you rush something that takes time.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 6:17 AM GMT
    Stay single as long as u can and enjoy it broicon_exclaim.gif ur young, so have all da fun u can, enjoy ur lifeicon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 6:33 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidyou were into him because you were completely smitten with him.. 8 months isn't a time to grow real love, at least in my experience, respect, admiration, complete and utter sexual attraction causing you to lust after him deeply and almost desperately yes.. but love takes time, love takes work, love grows very slowly and dies even slower..

    you might have been really into this guy, but the likelyhood of you being in love with him is probably pretty slim.

    that doesn't negate the fact that you got hurt either, nor am I saying that you didn't have feelings for him.. on the contrary, I'm sure you had feelings for him.. they just weren't what you thought and maybe you might have moved to fast into it..

    everyone seems to willing to confess there love for each other, everyone wants to jump.. in a relationship that can last 40 years or more a year or two years or three years is a very short time..

    be open to the possibility of love with another person, but forget the eagerness to be inlove with another person, being eager causes you rush something that takes time.



    Nicely put, tank. I would add that the OP said that relationship started going from pleasure to work. What alot of people, men in particular, don't get or forget is that relationships are work. The honeymoon does end at some point and the real work begins. I would like to see Bill and Doug (Meninlove) and maybe Red Vespa and other longterm and married couples address this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 7:59 AM GMT
    Not having that much experience myself with just one serious relationship in my past, I am guessing that caesarea4's and lilTanker's advice is sound: the self-fulfilling prophecy issue and the beware-of-rushing-into-it thing.

    I respectfully disagree, thought, in the relationships-are-hard-work thing... well, perhaps I don't and is just a matter of perspective. My perspective in this is the same used to quote Confucius on "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

    Yes, relationships can be challenging, lead you into uncharted territory and sometimes have roadblocks, but... so does life in general, and I loved every minute, until the very last, of sharing my path with someone else I appreciated and loved and felt comfortable sharing with. So I guess that if relationships are hard work, I hope to be so fortunate to be condemned to "forced labor" with someone I love in the future...

    I'm sorry I cannot say more than a: go for it! (with the aforementioned caveats) icon_smile.gif




  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 8:17 AM GMT
    when people say relationships are hard work, I think you are taking it to literal, they aren't always hard work, actually, on the whole, they are quite simple and feel rather easy.. However, there comes a time where as Erik said, the honey moon is over, things stop being so "easy" and yes, there will be difficult points where you will have to work hard to keep things together, it will be a rough patches, its not all easy, its not all magic, its not all simple there will be struggles, you wont get enough attention, he'll work more then he used to, you'll both have different demands.

    Relationships are hard work, but there are also a lot of easy things, good things, the hard work pays off, the old adage the more you put in the more you get out stays true with a relationship, they aren't fruitless, yes they are difficult at points but they are worth it.

    So.. when someone tells you a relationship is hard work, they don't mean hard work constantly, but people aren't always apt to remember all the good times because there easy and easily forgotten in a moment of demand, its the hard stuff that is remembered.

    and just as an extra note, a hard work time isn't a day's worth of hard work here, things don't happen like that, it can take a week, or weeks, even months to fix something, sometimes you can't fix something completely, sometimes the relationships changes, you have to work at these things to be happy with each other...

    But when you look at the guy your with and his smile can bring you to tears of joy.. all that hard work, all that hurt and anger, everything, anything, it just melts away and you've nothing left but joy, something so deep and powerful and raw, its like nothing you've ever felt to have that with someone..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 9:32 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidwhen people say relationships are hard work, I think you are taking it to literal, they aren't always hard work, actually, on the whole, they are quite simple and feel rather easy.. However, there comes a time where as Erik said, the honey moon is over, things stop being so "easy" and yes, there will be difficult points where you will have to work hard to keep things together, it will be a rough patches, its not all easy, its not all magic, its not all simple there will be struggles, you wont get enough attention, he'll work more then he used to, you'll both have different demands.

    Relationships are hard work, but there are also a lot of easy things, good things, the hard work pays off, the old adage the more you put in the more you get out stays true with a relationship, they aren't fruitless, yes they are difficult at points but they are worth it.

    So.. when someone tells you a relationship is hard work, they don't mean hard work constantly, but people aren't always apt to remember all the good times because there easy and easily forgotten in a moment of demand, its the hard stuff that is remembered.

    and just as an extra note, a hard work time isn't a day's worth of hard work here, things don't happen like that, it can take a week, or weeks, even months to fix something, sometimes you can't fix something completely, sometimes the relationships changes, you have to work at these things to be happy with each other...

    But when you look at the guy your with and his smile can bring you to tears of joy.. all that hard work, all that hurt and anger, everything, anything, it just melts away and you've nothing left but joy, something so deep and powerful and raw, its like nothing you've ever felt to have that with someone..


    Well, I certainly agree with that lilTanker. I guess that while my mind does tell me that, yes, there is hard work there in relationships, I do still get that empty stomach feeling of "Ooooh... what I am going to do when the next relationship does outlast that first-year-honey-moon thing" hence my literalism... Thank goodness my heart does tell me something very very much like what you wrote in the last paragraph.

    I guess I will get back to you on this after my first anniversary with my currently not existing boyfriend!

    Meanwhile it seems that the "count your blessings" advice does have its important share of relevance as far as relationships goes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 3:53 PM GMT
    Just because it's "work" doesn't mean that it's not a labor of love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 11:25 PM GMT
    What can I say? Some people are in to chains.

    (I think there is or was a bar around here with that name.)

    Myself, I try to avoid them.
    Especially the so-called "fast food" (which is neither "fast" nor "food") joints.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2009 11:43 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidwhen people say relationships are hard work, I think you are taking it to literal, they aren't always hard work, actually, on the whole, they are quite simple and feel rather easy..

    That's how both my LTRs were, very easy, natural and pure joy. I wouldn't have entered into them to make more work for myself. Only the first became difficult at the very end, when he became terminally ill, but that wasn't the reality of our relationship before then, truly the exception to the happy rule, and certainly neither his fault nor mine.

    No, I've found my relationships have made life more enjoyable & fun, less work rather than more. We help each other, have great times together, get along wonderfully. I'd rather see his smiling face any day than have nothing but my own mug staring back at me from a mirror in an empty house.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2009 1:09 AM GMT



    Hi TheWayItIs,


    It's us again.

    "Sometimes I get lonely because I don’t have a special man in my life, but I think being lonely for a spell is better than the possibility of being miserable for a lifetime."

    So seeing, as before, that you've already dug your heels in, and explained to everyone here that you will not give another man a chance, like before, what can anyone say?

    How many of us have walked the shoes you wear? Had our hearts shattered? We have and then met in our mid-thirties. Our falling for each other was swift, because we'd both been through much of the pain you describe,and were able to recognise this in each other, and better, because of this past, able to make sure it never happened again to each other by treating each other well, as we would be treated.

    There are other 'TheWayItIs' type guys walking round out there. Would you go out with one?


    respectfully, not meaning hurt but truth, and still persisting in having faith things will change for you,

    -Doug and Bill of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2009 1:59 AM GMT
    Sounds like you actually have some inside stuff to work on before your really ready to even be in a LTR. Fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, fear of success and fear of failure are all signs of deeper issues.

    Part of being alive and trying love, means taking the risk of being hurt. People get hurt every day. Personally, I think it's a lame excuse to just keep fucking around with people and to give "imagined" control of a situation over to life.

    Clearly your not happy or completely ok with being single, and the future of never having a LTR, because your post contradicts itself over and over just by reading it.

    I'd say go do some inside work. Time is NOT of the essence when it comes to finding him. My experience has been it never worked out, until God saw that I was finally ready for it to come into my life.

    Good luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2009 4:16 PM GMT
    WOW! I am SOOOO amazed to see such optimism come from those who are in "successful" relationships....Caesarea4, Red Vespa, MenInLove and last, but not least, CRF250X. You guys have something that I don't ever plan on regaining...PATIENCE. And please spare the lecture of telling me its a virtue because I lost it in 2005. As for the single guys who commented as well, did you fail to overlook the fact that i stated guys don't even bother to look at the OP's character, that they're more into looking at his car, crib & job? If I never stated it before, I will announce it now: I can be one of the biggest sweethearts you could ever know, I just don't share it with everyone else. I can cook, second to none, as my godsons & goddaughters would describe, keep a clean home & still make time to do it 2x over & that's a HUGE turn-off for most gay men in my eyes.

    crf250x...I can reassure you, I am working on myself. BY MYSELF. I have no fear of success when it comes to doing for myself, I just no longer apply it to relationships because I'm always the one that's doing the work. I have been & am coping with the fact that I am single. Clearly, I am VERY comfortable with being single. I have given the benefit of the doubt & well, I learn the hard way of what happens when you give the benefit of the doubt. When you learn that ppl have hidden agendas, and they do, you're supposed to just "deal with it"? So next to anything, if anyone wants the benefit of the doubt, next to my trust, they have to EARN it over time. If they bounce on me because it takes work, then that to me says it's a hidden agenda they've had all along.

    Now that I think about it, if relationships take more work than pleasure, I'm better off doing bad by myself. If chances are to be given, it will not happen by a long shot; it has to be earned instead of given, over time. That's all that there is to it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2009 5:37 PM GMT
    TheWayItIs> guys don't even bother to look at the OP's character, that they're more into looking at his car, crib & job?
    TheWayItIs> I'm always the one that's doing the work.
    TheWayItIs> ppl have hidden agendas

    After he broke up with my roommate (and introduced me to a friend of his which I was then dating), a guy wanted to date me. When he asked why not my answer was simple: "different agendas".

    Another time I had a talk with someone I was dating and he ended up saying that he always thought he'd end up being "taken care of" in a relationship. Not what I signed up for, I was looking for a partner, my equal (children I'll have later... and I won't sleep with them).

    So yeah, as I once read on a tea bag: a relationship is based not so much on how you look into each others' eyes, but how you look out together upon the rest of the world.

    Good luck finding someone who has the same "agenda" you do.
    (:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2009 5:47 PM GMT
    TheWayItIs saidWOW! I am SOOOO amazed to see such optimism come from those who are in "successful" relationships....Caesarea4, Red Vespa, MenInLove and last, but not least, CRF250X. You guys have something that I don't ever plan on regaining...PATIENCE. And please spare the lecture of telling me its a virtue because I lost it in 2005. As for the single guys who commented as well, did you fail to overlook the fact that i stated guys don't even bother to look at the OP's character, that they're more into looking at his car, crib & job? If I never stated it before, I will announce it now: I can be one of the biggest sweethearts you could ever know, I just don't share it with everyone else. I can cook, second to none, as my godsons & goddaughters would describe, keep a clean home & still make time to do it 2x over & that's a HUGE turn-off for most gay men in my eyes.

    crf250x...I can reassure you, I am working on myself. BY MYSELF. I have no fear of success when it comes to doing for myself, I just no longer apply it to relationships because I'm always the one that's doing the work. I have been & am coping with the fact that I am single. Clearly, I am VERY comfortable with being single. I have given the benefit of the doubt & well, I learn the hard way of what happens when you give the benefit of the doubt. When you learn that ppl have hidden agendas, and they do, you're supposed to just "deal with it"? So next to anything, if anyone wants the benefit of the doubt, next to my trust, they have to EARN it over time. If they bounce on me because it takes work, then that to me says it's a hidden agenda they've had all along.

    Now that I think about it, if relationships take more work than pleasure, I'm better off doing bad by myself. If chances are to be given, it will not happen by a long shot; it has to be earned instead of given, over time. That's all that there is to it.




    Hmmm...From reading this it seems you are taking an adversarial stance on the guys that bothered to read your post and give advice...

    Dude, from what I read in your post and from what I saw in your profile, on the whole, you seem like a decent guy. You made a big physical change in your life which is great and you have your stuff together as far as work/education/finances....But a lot of times that's not all it takes. Like you said before: car, crib, bank account etc is secondary to character. But what I've learned is sometimes even that isn't enough...I've met so many dudes that looked compatible with me "on paper" but the chemistry just wasn't there...it happens. No regrets though.

    And I take it that you were still a teenager when you were in your last relationship...Priorities change, the older you get...But from what I can gather from your words, Love does still live inside you. You just haven't found the right person to give it to yet...

    Admittedly, I have similar problems to the ones you listed (ie: Guys going from 0 to 60, me being less into them than they are into me, etc). Caused a lot of frustration on the social end of my life...but like many people here commented, and even you yourself said in your OP and Profile, focusing on self is always the best thing you can do..There's a saying that Success is when opportunity meets preparation. You seem to have gotten yourself "prepared"...now just have fun and open yourself up to the "opportunities"...

    Hope you don't bite my head off as well! icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2009 6:01 PM GMT

    LILTanker!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidyou were into him because you were completely smitten with him.. 8 months isn't a time to grow real love, at least in my experience, respect, admiration, complete and utter sexual attraction causing you to lust after him deeply and almost desperately yes.. but love takes time, love takes work, love grows very slowly and dies even slower..

    you might have been really into this guy, but the likelyhood of you being in love with him is probably pretty slim.

    that doesn't negate the fact that you got hurt either, nor am I saying that you didn't have feelings for him.. on the contrary, I'm sure you had feelings for him.. they just weren't what you thought and maybe you might have moved to fast into it..

    everyone seems to willing to confess there love for each other, everyone wants to jump.. in a relationship that can last 40 years or more a year or two years or three years is a very short time..

    be open to the possibility of love with another person, but forget the eagerness to be inlove with another person, being eager causes you rush something that takes time.



    I don't know if I agree with this completely. Love is subjective. For some people it takes 30 years but for others it can take 30 days. I personally know people that have met, fallen in love and gotten married in less than 6 months. They are still together years later with no signs of separation. I'm just going off of what they told me and that's all you can do...There is no person in the world that can look at a couple and say "No, sorry, you're not in love...yet...Give it 10 more years..."

    The only time you can MAYBE tell a person is or is not in love just from looking at them is when someone is getting their ASS BEAT by a significant other and they choose to stay...if that ain't blind love, I dunno what is...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 01, 2009 6:17 PM GMT
    Just learn to be happy and love yourself unconditionally and then everything else will eventually fall in to place! You won't even think about "the work" or "the fear" that you have created for yourself!