Dating the Military

  • DJKeens

    Posts: 40

    Nov 10, 2007 3:46 PM GMT
    The fact that I'm military seems to turn alot of people off. I've been told that they couldn't deal with my erratic schedule, the possibility of deployment, and even the "principles" my job stands (DADT among others). What's everyone's take on it?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 10, 2007 5:47 PM GMT
    I think it would be a hassle to date someone who's not out more than anything. You can't be totally out and serve, so it would be a a hassle for me.

    The other thing the person you are dating would have to deal with is being alone and forgotten if you were deployed. Since out people can't serve, their partner couldn't join a spouse's support group or anything like that.
  • ajlclimber

    Posts: 337

    Nov 10, 2007 9:34 PM GMT
    I dont know about anyone else.. but I actually like dating guys in the military...

    I understand the hassle and such.. but I have never had any problem with any airmen, marines, or soldiers that I have dated..
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    Nov 10, 2007 10:07 PM GMT
    Some of us were in the military. We know how tough dating in the closet can be.

    Many of us who have come OUT just aren't willing to put up with the serious restrictions that dating someone who is still in the closet entails.

    Many people who are OUT had a long difficult time doing it, they sometimes view it as something they have 'won' or 'earned'; it's tough to take something you worked hard for, are proud of, and stick it back in the closet.

    I was in the Army for 12 years, I had three long term relationships that broke up simply because of transfers and redeployments.

    icon_lol.gif On the other hand - cheer up - there are a lot of chasers out there! icon_lol.gif
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    Nov 10, 2007 10:24 PM GMT
    Personally, I wouldn't mind dating someone in the military- only I would have those concerns like- deployment and the scheduling. Not only that, if I end up falling in love- I would be afraid of losing the person, if he died in combat, etc.

    Well, I wouldn't exactly know- I've been through it once but it doesn't mean it wouldn't work the second time. I guess it all depends on the circumstances and a few other things.

    - Javi
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    Nov 10, 2007 10:28 PM GMT
    I Love a Man in a Uniform - Gang of Four (a great 80s band)

    Time with my girl I spent it well
    I had to be strong for my woman

    >You must be joking
    >Oh man you must be joking

    She needed to be protected

    The good life was so elusive
    Handouts, they got me down
    I had to regain my self respect
    So I got into camoflauge

    The girls they love to see you shoot

    >I love a man in a uniform
    >I love a man in a uniform
    >I love a man in a uniform
    >I love a man in a uniform

    To have ambitions was my ambition
    But I had nothing to show for my dreams
    Time with my girl I spent it well

    >You must be joking
    >Oh man you must be joking

    The good life was so elusive
    Handouts, they got me down
    I had to regain my confidence
    So I got into camoflauge

    The girls they love to see you shoot

    >I love a man in a uniform
    >I love a man in a uniform
    >I love a man in a uniform
    >I love a man in a uniform

    I need an order
    >Shoot shoot
    I need an order
    >Shoot shoot
    I need an order
    >Shoot shoot
    I need an order
    >Shoot shoot

    To have ambition was my ambition
    Time with my girl I spent it well

    >You must be joking
    >Oh man you must be joking

    The girls they love to see you shoot
    The girls they love to see you shoot

    >I love a man in a uniform
    >I love a man in a uniform

    They love to see you shoot

    >I love a man in a uniform

    The girls they love to see you shoot

    >I love a man in a uniform

    They love to see you shoot
    The girls they love to see you shoot

    ==>I love a man in a uniform
    ==They love to see you shoot
    ==>>Bang bang
    ==>>They love

    The girls they love to see you shoot
    >I love a man in a uniform
  • bigtallguy

    Posts: 243

    Nov 10, 2007 11:07 PM GMT
    i love a man in uniform too. icon_biggrin.gif

    that said I wouldn't call myself a chaser.

    I used to live in San Diego, the home of the Navy Pacific Fleet so you couldn't avoid the military boys. marines and sailors everywhere.

    I never had any problems with any of the military guys I dated (except one marine who slept with a gun under his pillow and liked to talk about how many people he killed in Iraq, we didn't last too long)

    In the end it was me who was "deployed" to Europe for work, so I had to break it off with the sailor i was dating. but he was deployed himself 5 months later so a separation was inevitable.

    (and yes, I know that as a civilian moving for work is nothing like being deployed in the military, because civilians have a choice whether to go or not, even if not going would cost them a job, they can still make the choice. I am just making a point that anyone, not just the military, can be in that situation)


    in conclusion: 2 thumbs up for dating military guys!

  • kjm1990

    Posts: 209

    Nov 11, 2007 12:10 AM GMT
    my mans in the army,his a first year,trains in sydney ( im an aussie btw waves) im 3 hours from him,recently he missed my bday cos of the army trainging and he couldnt get a flight in time but i still love him,dating him,he showed me just cos guys have muscles there not all scary (i was abused as a kid/gang raped by sum foot ball jocks so have a fear of em) his slowly geting me to go to the gym making plans so i meet his army mates who are strate and gay but they dont care im gay,im slowly geting used to the idea that he mite leave to fight and not come back ,is any one else scared about there partner dieing?
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    Nov 11, 2007 2:27 AM GMT
    The biggest problem I would have in dating a military guy would be worrying about him if he were deployed. But in that same line of thought, if he were a fireman or a cop, I'd be worried because of the danger he might find on the job. I guess the big difference there is that, if he's in the military and deployed, he's not likely to come home to me every night... which leaves of lot of time that I don't know if he's ok.

    I can see where dating a guy who can't be OUT could be frustrating at times, but that wouldn't really be that big of a deal for me. I've dated guys in other lines of work that weren't OUT in the past...

    All that said, what it comes down to for me is this... Is he the guy I want to be with and do I love him enough to deal with the hassle (and worry) of his job? I certainly wouldn't discount any guy just because he's in the military...

    And about not being able to deal with what a particular job in the military stands for or does... Its a job and if you're doing that job, its because those are your orders. I may disagree with the orders, but it makes no sense to judge the guy carrying out those orders because of it.

    And I love a man in a uniform... icon_biggrin.gif (we need a drooling smiley)
  • DJKeens

    Posts: 40

    Nov 11, 2007 3:12 AM GMT
    Well said Native. It is after all just a job and we just follow orders. I don't care for chasers. Something about an infatuation with my clothes more than me just doesn't do it for me. My ex and I lasted a long while and we are both military but it seems that only military want to deal with military.
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    Nov 11, 2007 3:30 AM GMT
    The first guy I ever dated was a Navy officer (back in Norfolk). I was naive, and we wrote during his 6-month carrier tour, but he found someone else after he got back. This was in '93. Just a couple years ago he mentioned how stupid he was for not staying with me, and I've always had a "what if" scenario in my head about what my life would be like as his partner. My dad happened to be in the Navy and I remember the old slogan "Navy Wife--the toughest job in the Navy".

    His current partner's great, but 2 years ago when I went to his promotion/change of orders ceremony, it hit me when he wasn't able to thank his long-time partner like the outgoing Commander was able to thank his wife. So I just can't say whether I could've endured it or not. But I'm glad we're still great friends, and I keep hoping for an end to the ban in the near future before he chooses to retire---just to say he made it.
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    Nov 11, 2007 3:32 AM GMT
    I hear you DJ... and its a personal choice... but do the guys that don't want to deal with military realise that they just might be passing up their Prince Charming because of his job? icon_wink.gif

    That's how I think of it... it would be sad to find out, years down the road, that you let "the one for you" slip through your fingers because you didn't like his job. But people are picky and they make decisions all the time that don't appear to be logical... or they at least appear to not have taken inventory of all the possibilities in the long term.

    I think sometimes we get too wrapped up in a particular "type" that we see as ideal and let everyone else fly below our radar. For some it works and for others, they either miss out on a good thing or they eventually broaden their views.

    As for the chasers thing... I don't think I would like that either...

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    Nov 11, 2007 3:41 AM GMT
    I think that for me the hardest thing about dating someone in the military would be the culture that goes along with it, and by that I'm not meaning the part about not being out, or at least officially out. I have many friends in the military, and I respect what they do, but wouldn't want to be in the military myself, but having spent time with them, and toured their job sites on the bases etc, I would have to say that besides being a job there is definately a whole culture that goes along with it. It is more that culture that would be a issue with me, but then again if it is the person you love, you are willing to do a lot for, and I wouldn't rule someone out just because he was in the military.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Nov 11, 2007 7:21 AM GMT
    I have dated a navy fellow, it dont last long because he live in a navy dormitory and only come to the city during his leave . Its long distance and just dont work out. My last bf is a policemen (not military), he go out station a lot but most of the time he serve in the city. He used to live in my city apartment and visited me here sometimes. I use to love him very much, but I just hated it when he start talking about his line of job. Dealing with guns and beating up criminal to submissions. He used to bring live bullet, those night iron stick home and that scare me. One night he have a pistol under his shirt when I was having dinner with him and that really piss me off. We get into a nasty fight when I told him to sleep somewhere else that nite, and he take that machine of murder back to his police depot.

    Sorry, this is off topic. We are talking military not police men!
  • DJKeens

    Posts: 40

    Nov 11, 2007 7:40 AM GMT
    I agree completely again Native. Not only military, but there are many situations where we probably passed on someone for something so superficial, that we probably passed on someone who would've been the one.

    I can understand your view wrerick. Of all my promotions, I was never able to hug my ex even when we were stationed together. He just stood in the ranks with everyone else. Our celebration had to wait until liberty was granted. It's trying, but I think we were proud for our added sacrifice to save lives.

    zakariahzol, it kind of falls on topic as that's one of the reasons some people don't care to date the military. I myself don't care for guns. I'm in search and rescue and what little bit of time I have to carry firearms, they stay at work. They don't come into my home. My ex is a gun guy and the most he'd do with em is clean em. I didn't like it, but it was a sacrifice I made. As long as they were unloaded and locked I didn't care. But I respect your opinion about them. However, a cop is gonna have guns more so than military in their homes. We lock all our firearms away at work for the most part. Just remember why he has one. To protect you.
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    Nov 11, 2007 3:51 PM GMT
    Interesting topic you guys havementioned here. I have been military my entire adult life, I dont really know any other way there is to be.

    I came into the military from being a high school and college jock so this wasnt a huge first being around the other guys and all that. I was born and raised in Texas and I started dating my first boyfriend at the ae of 17, he was 27 at the time, and man I remember when I had the discussion that I was giving up my baseball scholarship to join the service. He took as a way of me saying that I didn't want to be with him anymore. It had nothing to do with that at all. Anyway, we lasted for another year and a half, while I went through Basuc Training and then got selected to do some other things that took another 64 days to complete. We stayed in touch and wrote letters. He elected not to come see me graduate and become a soldier, that was his choice and while it stung a bit I pretty much made excuses for him not being there in my own mind. So, around the end of our relationship, after being deployed a few times for different reasons he finally got around to telling me that the distance between us, him being in Texas and me being in Georgia, wasn't working at all. It was hard to digest, I was only 19yrs old and I thought my world was going to end.

    I never had an easy job. I am an Infantry guy. Until the day I die that's what I will always be. I teach combatives as a primary job. My job and my bedroom manners or my time spent with my significant other are exactly that. What I find interesting is that usually the code of values and beliefs that I live by are not even close to someone that isn't or hasn't been in the military. I don't lean towards a prefernce of dating stictly anyone. Dating is dating, getting to know people. I have only meet one person in the last nine years that has ever had an issue with me being in the military. Needless to say we didn't spend alot of time getting to know each other.

    Just because you cant be out at work doesn't discredit a guy's worth of dating, to me anyway. My outlook is that being gay is apart of me, its not a defining characteristic that I has to be a dominating factor in my life. So, why should being "out at work" even be an issue? I have never had a relaionship that has lasted over 3 years to date. With that track record I haven't the desire to wear any sort of badges that would label me at my job.

    Since a few months ago I decided that I wanted to try a new way of life. I got out of active duty and I'm giving this civilian thing a whirl. I play soldier part time now.

    My few thoughts on this subject.
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    Nov 12, 2007 12:45 PM GMT
    Dating someone in the military is no different than that of a straight couple dating in the military. You face the same threat of deployment and transfers.

    Public displays of affection are taboo while in uniform and there are the boundaries of who you can and can not date (officer/enlisted).

    The whole 'don't ask, don't tell, don't harass' thing makes it difficult.

    Right now regarding my military career I am content to keep it seperate and in the closet. I enjoy the military and derive a great deal of satisfaction serving my commonwealth and country. (not really crazy about going to Iraq in two months but that is another story).

    -Chuck
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    Nov 12, 2007 2:42 PM GMT
    Chuck,

    In reference to your Officer/Enlisted dating, I don't think that really applies to being gay. I have dated both sides of that coin as an enlisted.

    Sucks that your headed over man. Be safe.

    -JB
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    Nov 12, 2007 2:50 PM GMT
    Chuck
    Thanks for being one of the few who are brave enough to be in the military protecting what we take for granted in America--our freedom. You are a great looking man--whether you're in the army or not is inconsequential. If two men want to develop a true loving relationship, then they will work around each others careers and make it work. True caring will bring the soldier home to his man w/out cheating and the man at home will wait for his soldier to come home without cheating on him. I think you're worth waiting for you to come home. icon_lol.gif
    Mike
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    Nov 12, 2007 10:18 PM GMT
    Having just come back from basic (discharged (DADT)). I can say it was a really hard choice. Personally, I found myself wondering if it was the right choice. Having been out of the closet for seven years, and now going back to a life I never felt comfortable in. My partner went through a roller coaster of emotions, espiciallly since he is in seminary. If things would have progressed, there would have been times of major separation because of my deployment and his calling.

    It was also a morality issue: People shouldn't trust me if I am not being completely honest to myself. I am back in SF with my partner and even though an experience was pushed aside, I feel I am better for it.
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    Nov 12, 2007 11:23 PM GMT
    I dated a guy in the navy, and the problem was that he didn't respect himself. I could deal with him going underway for 3 mo., but I could not deal with him constantly degrading himself and me as a bystander. I say love finds a way, and also that relationships work out. I think the person you would want would envelope a respect for you and your job, so he would understand.
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    Nov 12, 2007 11:58 PM GMT
    kRakaJak is absolutely right and I am ashamed of my post. Now get down and give me 50, maggot!

    flag.gif
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    Nov 14, 2007 12:58 AM GMT
    I am in the military and my partner can tell you its hard ass Hell but love can endure anywhere you are oH and i have been out to my guys in the unit and they could careless they accept me for who i am not what i do when i am at home
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    Nov 15, 2007 9:59 PM GMT
    It is not so much as us being the "heros". It is more, how difficult the life is. I have family in the military, and even in the straight community it is just as hard to keep a relationship together.

    From what has been said so far, I do not believe anyone has meant any disrespect toward the service members. Our hearts go out to them, but for those in relationships with them it is toughest.
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    Nov 18, 2007 2:10 AM GMT
    well i am an ex-Second Warrant Officer (Yes i know i am quite young for a WOII but if you want to find out why- just ask), most of the guys that i have met seem to find it a serious turn on, esspecially when in my number 2 dress.
    But i do admit, a true jock in the real Army- not just some childish role play- is a real turn on!
    But has anyone found that there are only a handfull of jocks in the Army that still have a brain left, any guy i love has to have a brain