Anti-Social While in a Relationship

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    May 25, 2009 4:50 AM GMT
    So, I've been dating my guy for a year and a half. We are monogamous.

    He doesn't mind, even encourages me, to go out to the bar/club on nights that he is working.

    Tonight I drove to a gay bar, saw the line out the door, and turned around and went home. It's awkward to go to a bar/club when 'taken' because guys hit on me and sometimes even get mad when I politely say I am not available.

    Is the bar/club scene Just For Singles...??? Or, am I being anti-social?


    Joe
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    May 25, 2009 5:00 AM GMT
    if they get pissy about you being taken.. then you apologise to them, say "I'm so sorry, I thought it would have been easier to handle had you thought I was taken, but look, your as ugly as fuck and I wouldn't want to be caught dead in public with you"

    Then they'll have a legitimate reason to be upset..
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    May 25, 2009 5:03 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidWow,, that's a tough one.. I find it's a lot easier to go out with friends if you are attached or wait till you can go with your BF...
    It does suck to have someone sending you a drink or coming on to you when you are taken. Sometimes helps if you wear a ring.
    Will he go out to the bars with you when he's off, or is he trying to get you to go without him so he does not have to go at all?


    Well, here is the thing...

    Tonight, my good friend was inside the bar with another friend. I Still didn't feel like going in... They were expecting me actually.

    And by the way, neither myself nor my boyfriend really 'like' going to bars and clubs... For one, I hardly drink these days- and we Both get guys that want to 'get' us.

    Maybe I need a new 'scene'...one that doesn't involve Gay, Drinking, and Singles...?

    But, what?


    Joe
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    May 25, 2009 5:05 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidif they get pissy about you being taken.. then you apologise to them, say "I'm so sorry, I thought it would have been easier to handle had you thought I was taken, but look, your as ugly as fuck and I wouldn't want to be caught dead in public with you"

    Then they'll have a legitimate reason to be upset..


    Now, THIS I like. Maybe there is something to be said about Sarcasm. I would find much humor in this option... Thanks!


    Joe
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    May 25, 2009 5:06 AM GMT
    then don't go, if its not really your thing and you don't enjoy it, don't do it..

    Instead cultivate other things you like, any other hobbies, enjoyments, passions, stuff you like doing, find groups who enjoy the same.. or start new things together and find groups who wanna do that..
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    May 25, 2009 5:10 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidthen don't go, if its not really your thing and you don't enjoy it, don't do it..

    Instead cultivate other things you like, any other hobbies, enjoyments, passions, stuff you like doing, find groups who enjoy the same.. or start new things together and find groups who wanna do that..


    I think this is good advice also. I only drove to the bar out of boredom and a desire to socialize. But, there could be better options.

    I just have to create 'em.


    Joe
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    May 25, 2009 5:19 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidDude..... you are in Vegas! Why the hell are you so bored? Surely there's lot's to do there besides the bars. Personally, I think going out to the bars gets old pretty fast...


    Well, I have limited funds...otherwise I would see shows every week. I don't gamble, don't drink... Not sure what to do......


    Joe
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    May 25, 2009 5:51 AM GMT
    There is a lack of respect for couples, where in the clubs together or not. I have seen some of my friends who are in a relationship get the "So, he doesn't have to know" answer to them letting the guys know they are not available. Some, not all, but some guys are just rude that way.

    I would say this to you. You should increase the size of your circle. You would have pals that go to the club, pals that want to go out for coffee and chat, pals that are movie goers and pals that say come on over and watch a flick or play some games. I think folks that are coupled should remember that just because you are part of a couple doesn't mean you stop doing or being who you were before you became a couple, within limits of course. Check out groups through the gay community center or web. I joined a gay tennis group. one of the best things I have done for myself in the past year. icon_biggrin.gif
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    May 25, 2009 5:55 AM GMT
    joecoolnv said
    TheGuyNextDoor saidDude..... you are in Vegas! Why the hell are you so bored? Surely there's lot's to do there besides the bars. Personally, I think going out to the bars gets old pretty fast...


    Well, I have limited funds...otherwise I would see shows every week. I don't gamble, don't drink... Not sure what to do......


    Joe


    Come to my house. We can play Fish. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2009 6:12 AM GMT
    Golly, if you're a Real Jock, you don't need to be hanging out at some stinky-ass nightclub.
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    May 25, 2009 6:16 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidif they get pissy about you being taken.. then you apologise to them, say "I'm so sorry, I thought it would have been easier to handle had you thought I was taken, but look, your as ugly as fuck and I wouldn't want to be caught dead in public with you"

    Then they'll have a legitimate reason to be upset..


    I think you've taken a page from my play book my little wombat. Keep with this line of thinking up and you too shall have massive quantities of hate mail in your in box. icon_wink.gif
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    May 25, 2009 7:49 AM GMT
    joecoolnv saidSo, I've been dating my guy for a year and a half. We are monogamous.

    He doesn't mind, even encourages me, to go out to the bar/club on nights that he is working.

    Tonight I drove to a gay bar, saw the line out the door, and turned around and went home. It's awkward to go to a bar/club when 'taken' because guys hit on me and sometimes even get mad when I politely say I am not available.

    Is the bar/club scene Just For Singles...??? Or, am I being anti-social?


    Joe


    I think it's normal for gay guys (and straight people) in general who are in a relationship to be a bit "anti-social". I meant that in a good way. When you're in a relationship with another guy that you love, all of your desire to sleep or trick around disappear (one would hope so anyway). The bar scene is mainly for singles and they can get aggressive on you when you politely turn them down (it's more like an ego thing). I meant, there is no good way to say "No" to anyone, is there? Bar/Club scenes are for going out to get a drink with your friends who you know outside of the club scene and maybe show up with your BF once in a while just for a drink. If you go alone while being attached, chances are other guys will hit on you, in that case, don't go! stay home or call your other posse friends to go and have a chat/drink during happy hour. icon_cool.gif
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    May 25, 2009 8:04 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite said
    lilTanker saidif they get pissy about you being taken.. then you apologise to them, say "I'm so sorry, I thought it would have been easier to handle had you thought I was taken, but look, your as ugly as fuck and I wouldn't want to be caught dead in public with you"

    Then they'll have a legitimate reason to be upset..


    I think you've taken a page from my play book my little wombat. Keep with this line of thinking up and you too shall have massive quantities of hate mail in your in box. icon_wink.gif

    I'm trying, I really really am icon_biggrin.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 25, 2009 9:57 AM GMT
    Depends on your reason for going
    If you're going there to meet some friends that's fine

    But if you're going there yourself
    to see what happens .... that kinda defeats the whole purpose of being monogamous then doesn't it?
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    May 25, 2009 12:23 PM GMT
    It would be antisocial behavior if you drove by the bar, pulled out your .45 and filled the crowd with lead. Otherwise, you're merely being unsociable.

    There is a significant difference between the two terms. I suggest you learn them.

    A) an·ti·so·cial - adj.
    1. Shunning the society of others; not sociable.
    2. Hostile to or disruptive of the established social order; marked by or engaging in behavior that violates accepted mores: gangs engaging in vandalism and other antisocial behavior.
    3. Antagonistic toward or disrespectful of others; rude.

    B) un·so·cia·ble - adj.
    1. Not disposed to seek the company of others; reserved.
    2. Not congenial; incompatible.
    3. Not conducive to social exchange: an unsociable atmosphere.

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    May 25, 2009 12:31 PM GMT
    If you still feel like socializing, perhaps you and your friends could meet for a drink at a non-gay bar which is what my friends and I do... it's much more relaxing and there isn't ( or it's far less likely) the chance to be bothered by guys hitting on you.
    The wearing of a ring does not work in a gay setting... done that in the past with a boyfriend and it's more of a guy magnet / conversation starter, people ( gay men specifically) have no respect when you tell them you're unavailable
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 25, 2009 12:35 PM GMT
    I don't think you are being antisocial.... I think you are questioning your
    "socialness" based on what you perceive to be appropriate or not so.

    The reality is, a bar is for socializing. That term means different things to different people. It be merely conversing with others. I don't choose to
    socialize in a bar very often, but if I go, its usually with others. While I think this makes sense (to me) since I'm involved as well, its what you make of it.
    There isn't a right or wrong. Others shouldn't automatically assume you are there for anything else but having a drink and to converse.

    The bottom line, its cool with you bf.. do what you want.
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    May 25, 2009 12:44 PM GMT
    My bf and I have separate bars we go to. First he lives in Chicago and I live in Cleveland. We both go out with friends often in our home cities. When I visit Chicago we go out together, but I country dance and he doesn't. I go to Charlies, and he goes..home?

    In your example i normally do not ever go out alone. Unless to just go dance or catch the drag show. I have no problem telling people I'm taken.
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    May 25, 2009 12:45 PM GMT
    ErikTaurean saidThere is a lack of respect for couples, where in the clubs together or not. I have seen some of my friends who are in a relationship get the "So, he doesn't have to know" answer to them letting the guys know they are not available. Some, not all, but some guys are just rude that way.

    I would say this to you. You should increase the size of your circle. You would have pals that go to the club, pals that want to go out for coffee and chat, pals that are movie goers and pals that say come on over and watch a flick or play some games. I think folks that are coupled should remember that just because you are part of a couple doesn't mean you stop doing or being who you were before you became a couple, within limits of course. Check out groups through the gay community center or web. I joined a gay tennis group. one of the best things I have done for myself in the past year. icon_biggrin.gif

    Some good points. One is not necessarily "anti-social" just because you become selective about where you socialize without your BF. I've also been handed that "he doesn't have to know" line that Erik mentioned, which only stiffens my resolve (and nothing else) to say "No!" The very reminder that I would indeed be cheating behind his back is enough for me not to cheat.

    And as Erik also notes, there's more to do than just the bar scene. Save for when the 2 of you can go together, and do other things by yourself. Or arrange to go to the bar when you can meet up with your other friends, which is what I sometimes do when my hubby's not along, or what he'll do when I'm not going for whatever reason.

    But I don't think you're being anti-social because of this. It's pretty common behavior among couples I know. Aside from the "awkwardness" issue of going alone, couples often tend to lose interest in their former single routine, once they're in a LTR.

    We don't have the euphemism in English of "settling down" for nothing, that we can use to describe what happens when 2 people get together. Settling down is one of the reasons we go into an LTR, to get out of that singles bar scene rat race.
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    May 25, 2009 1:34 PM GMT



    We're pretty social guys, if our presence here, our posts, and making friends here is any indication.

    You can certainly go to a bar, in fact there's this to consider: taken guys in a bar also shows single guys, of which I was one, that successful relationships are very possible and that once 'taken' you aren't dead! heheh

    Come-ons? I always smile at this because a compliment is a compliment. Each of us have had this happen in a bar or not. You can always be gracious about the advance, friendly (because how on earth would anyone know you're taken if the BF isn't with you and you're not wearing a sign?heheh)

    We get come-ons here, and treat each one respectfully and mindful that it's a person making it.

    What I've said
    " Hey that's nice. I'm happily married and making friends. Pleased to meet you." Friendly grin. Shake hands. If they get peeved (like being angry and itchy at the same time lol) it's their issue and not one that concerns me remotely.

    Bill's take is much the same. We wear gold rings. That's often sufficient, though we don't wear them for that reason.

    Mind you we haven't been in a gay bar in quite some time....


    -Doug
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    May 25, 2009 2:02 PM GMT
    nv7_ saidCome to my house. We can play Fish. icon_cool.gif


    Go! eNVy is a prince among men. He doesn´t smell so bad anymore since the intervention.

    icon_rolleyes.gif


    (I also have no clue what playing Fish means. I suspect it could be bad)
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 25, 2009 2:54 PM GMT
    just sounds like you hate bars to begin with, regardless of if you were or weren't single.
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    May 25, 2009 3:51 PM GMT
    calibro saidjust sounds like you hate bars to begin with, regardless of if you were or weren't single.


    Yes, I agree. If you were single, you'd probably be singing the same song.
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    May 25, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    Sometimes I go to the bars in vegas and they are ok. Yes your taken but if your going to the bar alone expect to be hit on. Maybe you should find friends to go there with. Usually guys won't hit on you if your in a group.
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    May 25, 2009 9:49 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for your comments.

    I think I am going to accept the fact that I just don't really care for the gay bar/club scene. It was fun when I was single, but now...eh.

    If I want to hear great music (which isn't played at the gay places anyhow), I will go to an indie place like the Beauty Bar or the Griffin or something else in downtown Vegas.

    Otherwise, I plan to join a volleyball league and/or a bowling league to make new friends and be more active.

    And, if I'm really bored on nights my boyfriend is working...I can always start reading again. It's been a while but I was once an avid reader. I know that I have at least two books on my desk that I've been meaning to start/finish.


    Joe