Long distance relationship (Yay or Nah)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2007 5:10 PM GMT
    Just thought i would ask you guys about LDR cos i think i really have feelings for a guy on here but hes in the USA do u think there could be anything or should i just let it go?????

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    Apr 22, 2007 10:34 PM GMT

    That is a tough question. For me, I find it tough to have a long-distance relationship because you do not have the chance to truly know the person on a day to day basis. You would have many highs when you occasionally see each other. The excitement of a new relationship can be intoxicating. However, do you get to see his good and bad during your visits of each other. Have you ever visited a city and said to yourself that you can live there? Visiting a city as a tourist if very different from living there as a resident. I am not sure if this makes sense.

    Is there plans for one of you to move to the other's country? If not, how do you envision the frequencies of seeing each other? Is it an open relationship?

    Tough question. Good luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 1:30 AM GMT
    have you met him in person before?
    i think it's a good thing if you both feel the same way and can be apart for a long period of time though constant contact is pivotal to making it work.

    a friend of mine has been with his girlfriend for 3 years though the first year they lived in the same place (in japan) and the last 2 years he's been in australia and she works between LA and japan. she's visited him 3 times in that period and they call each other twice a day. they don't always talk for long periods, just to even say that they're swamped with work and with the time difference they call each other any time of the day/night and sometimes they fight.
    if you're in a LDR with someone, some form of human contact is needed, not just an email 'cos written words have this arbitrary emotion to them and can be taken the wrong way or your feelings might lead you falsely into something you thought was there. you want to be with this person and you have the means to get to know them in as many ways possible. go for it!
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    Apr 23, 2007 1:45 AM GMT
    I live in an area with lousy dating opportunities, so I've thought a lot about long distance dating. I think it's hard to develop true depth in a relationship if you're not spending time together. And, quite honestly, I want a partner to engage with, who does things with my friends, etc. I don't want to be spending my evenings at home on the phone. I think long distance is doable if the relationship is casual. Otherwise, I'm not so sure.

    I'd pretty much rule out anyone outside of reasonable driving distance. In my case, if I met a great guy in Sacramento or San Francisco, I'd probably give it a shot. As soon as air travel gets involved, it becomes more complicated. He'd have to be truly AMAZING for me to work that hard at it.

    Early in a relationship, long distance dating is a big commitment, expense, etc. If you've been together for years and you need to spend some time apart, that's one thing. But the beginning is always the "getting to know you" part. You've really got to ask yourself if both people are willing to invest enough time and energy to see if it works. Otherwise it's not worth doing. And then there's always the emotional toll of being separated, not seeing enough of each other, etc.
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    Apr 23, 2007 1:53 AM GMT
    I don't think it works. I had a long distance relationship that was serious with a boyfriend who lived in Phoenix. He was a travel agent, so got free flights into the Bay Area. So that part of it was OK.

    Then, I also went to Phoenix four or five times. The trouble was, we weren't even to the stage of deciding whether we wanted to live together...yet it was clear that I disliked Phoenix, plus all my family and friends are here, as well as my career.

    He couldn't afford the Bay Area (who can?).

    Eventually we slipped apart. Not rancorous, just drifted apart. No issue with cheating or anything like that. Just the lack of consistent contact...the phone is no substitute for person to person shared activities.

    I'm sure it works for some people. But not for me.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 3:03 AM GMT
    It's hard...but for the right guy, worth it... I've been doing it for 10 months now... it's hard, really hard. We see each other once a month for a long weekend, and we talk on the phone every day, even if it's just to say hi, or say goodnight.

    I think you can do it if you know there is an endpoint to the long-distance, and you're both able/prepared to take the strain of the distance, and you both trust each other... This is hard to do when starting a relationship, but not impossible...

    I used to say I would never even entertain the idea of a long distance relationship, and here I am doing it. But, it does make us both extremely thankful for the time we have, and we utilize every minute...helps us not take each other for granted...

    Plus, we are both extremely busy people, so that helps to fill our day up so that we don't always focus on being apart.

    Should you do it? not unless you truly, honestly feel like this could be "the guy" and he feels the same way... Otherwise, why try???
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 4:08 AM GMT
    I tried it once, it did not work beyond 2 years, but we are very good friends now.

    However, I do not think it really works.. The whole situation is just not quite 'real life." Everytime we traveled to see eachother in person, it was like a vacation, "honey moon." It just was not exposure to daily life.

    We can be with a person who is local and not learn about his true self until years later, with the opportunity of various life events...

    With a long distance realtinship, that exposure is selective and not representative of a whole. You may find out a lot about the peron that you do not like if you were local..

    Plus, what do you do when yuo get to a certain point where you wish to live togehter...? The one who moves will be very dependent on the other, at least socially and emotionally, and if you dont have a job where you just moved to, youa re alos finacially dependent on the person. All that is just the reverse fromt he "vacation" to "dependence." I am not usre if it is healthy...
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    Apr 23, 2007 7:02 AM GMT
    I have known several married couples who lived apart because they could not get jobs in the same state. I only observed from outside, but I think that while they did have "relationships," mostly they went through hell trying to squeeze those relationships into the standard monogamous hetero model.

    Personally, I think we should be open to many different kinds of relationships. There is some quality to be found in long-distance ones, but probably not sufficient as a sole confidant.

    Once, I spent a weekend going through an old trunk that belonged to my great grandmother. There were bundles of letters in there from all of her children. They didn't have telephones, and certainly couldn't see each other very often. I found the level of literacy and intimacy in those letters remarkable. Especially considering that only about half of them actually graduated from high school.

    It kind of makes me dispair for the modern generations. Especially when all of the recent messages that I've gotten were monosyllabic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 10:00 AM GMT
    It is ok while you are getting to know one another. But once you fall in love it get very complicated. You really have to be able to trust your partner 100%. I tried but it did not work out.
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    Apr 23, 2007 10:19 AM GMT
    You say you are "having feelings" for the guy.

    Have you met face-to-face yet? One time? Four times? I'd focus on logistics of that first.

    If it is meant to be, it will be. Good luck.

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    Apr 23, 2007 10:51 AM GMT

    The married couples you mentioned who live in different cities probably did not START out that way... It probably took a lot of getting to know eachother for a period of time BEFORE the relationships became long distance. THAT IS A BIG DIFFERENCE.

    Furthermore, yes, there are all sort of relationships you can find in "marraige." There is the arranged marriage for financial purposes only practice in some cultures, there are couples who are open, there are ones who are bascailly initmate strangers, there are the "modern romantic love" marriages. The list goes on. But I think the thread starter is seeking the latter type of relationship...

    I remember when my parents went through the same thing. My dad worked in North African and Europe for a total of 9 to 10 years, and the rest of the family only moved to North Africa for 4 years during my adolecent years. They had a LOT of problems when he was traveling so mcuh. The nsture of the relationship, to my eyes, went through many stages of metamorphosis, including a short period of separation (but still married and not sexually open.) At one time my sister and I thought they were going to divorce.

    I also agree with some posts here that if you have never even met the person, you really do not know him and you really have no real picture of the type and nature of "relationship" you are engaged with. Like many things on the internet, the person AND the relationship at this stage are likely fantacies of infatuation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 12:05 PM GMT
    By the way, I just wanted to point out...

    If you only have selected and partial exposure to the person, the rest that you do not see are all made up in your own mind about the person... You can build and build on this self made characterizatino of this personality until one day you find the real person not matching what you thought the person he was in your head...

    To build expectations from this scenerio CAN be very problematic...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 2:18 PM GMT
    If you trust each other it'll work whether your on earth and he's on mars.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 2:47 PM GMT

    If you want to listen to Hankbaseball's recommendations here... Jsut take a look at his posts elsewhere, like in helath section under massage.

    Make your own judegements about any comments from him!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 5:07 PM GMT

    Do you have a boyfriend? If you do he is a very lucky guy! I am sure you are two peas in a pod.
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    Apr 23, 2007 5:14 PM GMT
    It depends on the individuals. I would travel for the right guy. If you have the financial resources and willing to sacrifice, why not. Both people must to be very mature. It is better to have a quality relationship and see each other less often then be together all the time and fight.

    I have professional friends who are married and she has a very successful theraphy practice and her husband is an international consultant. He is more often away than he is at home. No difference. She often joins in europe for a week and they take wonderful vacations together. She once told me that people in marriages who "Boo-Hoo" about thier spouse need to get a life.

    So yes, it can work if you want it too.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 5:16 PM GMT
    I have always said that I would sell, pack and move for the right guy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2007 5:18 PM GMT
    But I bet your friends did not just move in from meeting online, started the relationship as a long distance relationships FIRST...

    They can be long distance AFTER geting to know eachother as locals... I just expressed that my parents were like that.. But to meet in virtual reality and expect something out of it without meeting the person from half a world away...well..you do the math for the outcome..
  • MarkX

    Posts: 101

    Apr 23, 2007 10:15 PM GMT
    NYCMusc4Musc is very adamant about his warnings, and rightly so. Long-distance relationships are murder. They're extravagantly expensive, make you pine desperately when your'e apart, and break your heart as each infrequent visit ends. And if there were staticsticcs, I'm sure they would rate the chance of success as minimal.

    Yet I met my partner on line. We were driving distance (8 hours) for just a month, before I took a job across country. I bought my first cell phone so we could keep in touch nightly. Cross-country vists were rare and costly. But we were right for one another. After a year and a half of "distance making the heart grow fonder," he came out to his family and friends and joined me.

    Now, after living with him for nearly four-and-a-half more years, I thank my lucky star that we found one another before I moved away, because if I'd hooked up on-line after I'd moved away, I would have bowed to the statistics and not pursued the "doomed" long-distance relationship.

    Miracles happen. But it takes a lot of trust in one another, complete honesty with each other and ourself, and (dare I say it?) healthy, positive thinking to MAKE that miracle happen.
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    Apr 23, 2007 10:21 PM GMT
    You verified my potin Markx.. Thanks.

    That is what I meant to say, even thoght itwas an 8 hour drive, you STILL met your partner in the flesh BEFORE you moved away.

    That is NOT the same meeting someone half the world away and have NEVER even met him in the flesh, and build a virtual relationship with this person you never met in person soley online RIGHT from the start...

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Apr 23, 2007 11:25 PM GMT
    I never say never but LDR's are very hard to maintain and rely a whole lot on fantasy
    If you're really into this guy why don't you or him plan a trip across the pond and see what actually happens
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 8:56 AM GMT
    You have to be very secure with yourself, and he - with himself to
    make it work, but that is true of any relationship.
    You have to trust, and REALLY believe that absense does make the heart grow fonder. AND - YA GOTTA B TOUGH> GRRRRRR !!!!!!!!!!
    If you are the kind of guy that likes space, like myself, then it should work out fine. If you are a clinging violet -then best not.


    *the king of LDR's
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 12:02 PM GMT
    It depends on a lot of things but normally one would expect the relationship to fail.

    That said, I started an online relationship with a guy on the other side of the continent. Half a year later he moved to be with me and was with me for the next four years.

    If I could take two things out of that relationship, we would still be happily in love I suspect.

    We've all read of grand parents that started out as pen pals having never met but fell in love with their letters they wrote to each other.

    (and yes, the literacy of today's generations is appalling. "wut u do 4 fun?" or "you expect me to add $0.67 and $1.33 in my head??" turns a hot 10 out of 10 guy into a -5)

    For most guys, LD relationships are highly fragile and easily fail.

    I wish you the best in luck and love, but do not mistake blind desire and the need for fulfillment for real love.

  • edge04

    Posts: 2

    Feb 15, 2009 10:25 AM GMT
    no chance buddy. Im from perth aswell. go out and get it it want come to you.