Dropping the "H-Bomb" on Dating partners

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2009 8:00 PM GMT
    When do you think it's appropriate to share that you are HIV+ with a dating partner?

    I tend to play it on a case-by-case basis - some people I tell immediately, others not at all. The only guiding principle is that I inform everyone before we get freaky in the sack.

    I think it's important to be upfront, but I've heard others say it's nobody's business. I'd be curious what you think about this issue. Thanks!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 26, 2009 8:05 PM GMT
    You already covered the 'before sex' scenario, so there's no need to go into that.

    I'd have to say that if one is +, and they meet someone and think it's going somewhere, they should probably be up front. After a certain point, there isn't going to be a better time to say it.
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    May 26, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    First, my respect for you in telling your dating partners. You ask not "if" but "when" and that's a legitimate question.

    Since gay dating so often ends in the sack, I'd lean toward telling as soon as possible. I know this runs the risk of throwing cold water on things, but the longer you wait, the more a guy might feel he's been misled.

    My former partner told me right away, online before we met in person. His honesty made me like him more. I wasn't afraid of HIV, provided he gave me assurances he'd honor my insistence on safe sex.

    He did, and I'm still negative today. I'd date a poz guy I liked right now if I wasn't taken, but I might dump a guy who didn't tell me up front. While I don't like discrimination against poz guys, it's a decision the other guy must make for himself, rightly or wrongly. Honesty is the best policy, and early on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2009 8:50 PM GMT
    I think that you are handling it properly and I would appreciate your honesty. I think that it is better to be told before you have to ask.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 12:14 AM GMT
    Oh, geez, mention it to dating partners only. Mention it before you get to their door or they to yours. Get that crap out of the way so you can enjoy your date.
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    May 27, 2009 12:30 AM GMT

    I can't imagine having to face that decision. My guess would be that the sooner the better, but that is a decision I think making on a case by case basis is best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 12:59 AM GMT
    You need to let common sense and decency prevail.

    If one has a chronic, incurable, communicable, disease, no matter what the symptoms, you owe it to society, and to anyone you might date to have full disclosure up front.

    Personally, I have no interest in developing a relationship (friendship, or more) that could lead to intimacy with someone who has NOT been fully honest with my about something like chronic illness. I know I'm not alone, although some folks won't mention it under the "hurt no feelings" rule of Gaydumb.

    Nothing will make more furious than someone who has wasted my time and then drops something about "oh, by the way, I have a chronic, incurable disease that could kill you." Just how rude is THAT? It goes beyond disrespectful and manipulative and selfish. I have every right to know if someone could be dangerous to my health.

    This is a no-brainer.

    It needs to be up front before GOING on the date.
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    May 27, 2009 1:01 AM GMT
    somewhere between drinks and forcefully inserting your penis into one of their fun spots.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 1:14 AM GMT
    I tell them before it even becomes a first date. It saves us both time and frustration. If he's not comfortable with it, then I haven't wasted his time. It's a no harm, no foul scenario for me too. I don't want to waste my time getting to know him anymore than he does.

    edit: Also, I do not assume that just because I met someone online, the guy read my profile all the way to the part where I state that I am HIV+. I made that mistake once a few years ago. We had our first date and the conversation over dinner was just a bit off, as though he didn't know. I'm not sure exactly how it came up, but he mentioned people he knew being slutty and probably dirty and HIV+. I figured either he didn't know and/or was an asshole. Before we said our goodbyes for the evening I asked him if he noticed that I had my HIV status in my profile. He hadn't and was shocked and seemed little freaked out. I thanked him for the evening and mentioned that before he wasted someone's time on a date before reading all the way to the bottom of their profile, maybe he should do them a favor and eat his gun (he was military) first. I went home and did us both a favoring by blocking him and chalking the whole thing up as an unfortunate learning experience for the both of us.
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    May 27, 2009 1:20 AM GMT
    Thanks for the responses guys, I appreciate it - and keep 'em coming.

    Chucky - I don't agree with the position that you should always disclose such personal information right off the bat. I don't think you can know enough about a person before the first date to understand whether that kind of information would be helpful to the situation.

    That's why I wait a lot of times - it becomes pretty clear who is up for "adult relationships" pretty soon after the first date.

    But that's why I asked the question - I'm curious as to other + and especially other - people feel about this. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
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    May 27, 2009 1:51 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidYou need to let common sense and decency prevail.

    If one has a chronic, incurable, communicable, disease, no matter what the symptoms, you owe it to society, and to anyone you might date to have full disclosure up front.

    Personally, I have no interest in developing a relationship (friendship, or more) that could lead to intimacy with someone who has NOT been fully honest with my about something like chronic illness. I know I'm not alone, although some folks won't mention it under the "hurt no feelings" rule of Gaydumb.

    Nothing will make more furious than someone who has wasted my time and then drops something about "oh, by the way, I have a chronic, incurable disease that could kill you." Just how rude is THAT? It goes beyond disrespectful and manipulative and selfish. I have every right to know if someone could be dangerous to my health.

    This is a no-brainer.

    It needs to be up front before GOING on the date.


    100% agree
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 2:01 AM GMT
    Momentum_Play saidThanks for the responses guys, I appreciate it - and keep 'em coming.

    Chucky - I don't agree with the position that you should always disclose such personal information right off the bat. I don't think you can know enough about a person before the first date to understand whether that kind of information would be helpful to the situation.

    That's why I wait a lot of times - it becomes pretty clear who is up for "adult relationships" pretty soon after the first date.

    But that's why I asked the question - I'm curious as to other + and especially other - people feel about this. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
    By the way I do want to make clear in this post that I am not trying to infer that someone who is not open to dating a positive person is somehow not capable of having "adult relationships."
  • calibro

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    May 27, 2009 2:53 AM GMT
    It's weird. I have a couple of medical conditions, and I don't feel that I should need to disclose that information to anyone until I am in a position where I feel comfortable doing so. At the same time, my medical conditions cannot be passed onto others through sexual encounters... though they do result in certain issue in the bedroom.

    I guess because it's something you can give to another person, the right to privacy on the matter is gray. You might not even make it to the second date with a guy, regardless of if you disclose your status or not. My feeling is unless you're planning to roll in the hay, which you must then inform them, you can wait to see if this person is worth pursuing. If after a few dates you really like the guy, then I'd say disclose it, but until the point arrives where you decide you think you could be serious with the person, I don't see the harm in keeping it to yourself if that's your decision.
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    May 27, 2009 3:09 AM GMT
    The absolute, very first time, I dated a guy, for 3 months just before I separated from the military, (in '92) the guy waited until the week I was leaving. I was sooo f*^#+~g pissed off that he waited and possibly exposed me.... to this day, I will not date a man who tells me he is positive. And I insist on knowing before the first date.

    Addendum: over time though, I look back at that experience and realize the guy never allowed us to do anything that would put me in danger of contracting HIV. So he was concerned enough about my welfare, I guess.
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    May 27, 2009 3:17 AM GMT
    well it depends on how you meet... i do believe that there can be poz and negative relationships.. and that there are some soul mates who can be such... it is best to tell them upfront.. no matter when you tell them... they are going to either judge or accept... so tell before you go on a first date...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 3:32 AM GMT
    Before a date I know your name, what you do for a living, that a mutual acquaintance thinks we should date, and that you are HIV+. What am I going to focus on? All I am going to think about is your status. I don't know anything meaningful about you other than your status. Perhaps you used to share needles. Perhaps you used to bareback for half the town. I don't know, but everything on my mind is a worst case scenario.

    I wouldn't tell them up front, though I do think it is a good idea to tell them before you have sex. Give them a few dates to get to know you and then let them know. Then, they can focus on the person you are, and not the person you may be.
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    May 27, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    Well, in IL it's law that HIV+ people tell their sex partners once they are aware of their status, but the law doesn't require them to contact previous sex partners.

    From my standpoint, I will respect someone so much more if they are up front. If a guy waits a long time to tell me that I'm just going to think that he's secretive in various facets of his life. Just say "just so there's no surprises, i'm positive." There may be some questions, but at least it's out there in the open.
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    May 27, 2009 4:04 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidBefore a date I know your name, what you do for a living, that a mutual acquaintance thinks we should date, and that you are HIV+. What am I going to focus on? All I am going to think about is your status. I don't know anything meaningful about you other than your status. Perhaps you used to share needles. Perhaps you used to bareback for half the town. I don't know, but everything on my mind is a worst case scenario.

    I wouldn't tell them up front, though I do think it is a good idea to tell them before you have sex. Give them a few dates to get to know you and then let them know. Then, they can focus on the person you are, and not the person you may be.










    If I asked up front would you not disclose your status? i can't imagine what kind of game you are playing that you would not disclose this before a date.











  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 4:11 AM GMT
    Being up front about ANYTHING just saves a whole lot of time. If something's a dealbraker, as this often is, why not save the time?

    Kinda depends on what the date is for though. If it's just for sex or looking for something longterm. I would want to know if someone's a smoker, as I just prefer not to be around smoke, so such a thing wouldn't work out in a relationship. If I weren't looking for a relationship, then it might not be something I bother to ask.

    Similarly, I might be concerned about whether I could handle the longterm issue of a poz partner, but I have no problem having safe sex with one.

    In fact if it's just for sex, you really are supposed to assume everyone's poz anyway (including the ones who say otherwise) and just play safe, right? So in those cases, waiting till it looks like you're getting to the sack is fine to mention it, but if it's relationship dating, seems to me it makes some sense to just go ahead and have it in one's profile.
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    May 27, 2009 6:47 AM GMT
    I decided long ago that I will not date an hiv negative person. Just ain't going to happen. I will ask them if they are hiv+ and if they say no then I say no to the date. I have had too many instances where guys just completely lose it when I tell them and I definitely do not want to be the one responsible for someone contracting it if they do.

    There was this one time that I was talking with this guy at a club and he just started kissing me. Then when I told him he completely freaked out asking me if he has a tooth cavity can he get it from kissing. I mean the guy completely freaked out and telling him no just didn't stop it. I can deal with me being hiv+ but I will not deal with someone else's psychosis or feel like I can rely on someone, get sick, then they leave because they can't cope.

    So basically I come across very standoffish and somewhat rude which is fine. If I were the type that didn't care if the person were negative or not then I think I would do what Momentum Play would do with the case by case basis.
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    May 27, 2009 11:47 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidIf I asked up front would you not disclose your status? i can't imagine what kind of game you are playing that you would not disclose this before a date.


    That is a different question. No one is asking the OP, he is freely disclosing this of his own initiative.

    And how fucking presumptuous is it to disclose off the bat "Hi, we hardly know each other but lets just assume we will be fucking soon, I am HIV+". And what kind of game are you playing where you assume that everyone is HIV- unless they disclose?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2009 3:50 PM GMT
    If it is important for you to know the status of your potential partner BEFORE you know them well enough to know whether or not you want to sleep with, ASK THEM YOURSELF. Grow a pair & stop making it all the potential-positive person's responsibility to inform you. If you put your preferences in your profile, do be respectful (ie. using "hiv- seeking the same" vs. "d/d free" or "clean").

    If you are asked directly, a direct honest answer, however difficult, is appropriate.

    HOWEVER, people should understand why an hiv+ person might not volunteer the information on the first date. The hiv- (or presumed negative) person who only wants to date hiv- people might see it as a waste of their time, but consider this: They are going on a first date with someone they barely know, let alone trust, therefore they have no way of gauging how discrete you will be with the matter (and let's face it there are buttholes out there who would make things difficult for someone with the disease -- spreading gossip if nothing else).

    If during the date it becomes apparent that this is not a good match, the issue doesn't need to be broached, and the hiv+ person's privacy is protected. However, if it looks like there is a connection there, then I would contact them the day after the date, tell them you enjoyed yourself and find out if they were interested in meeting again. If they stay yes, then let them know there is something you need to tell them before it goes any further, present them with the details and then ask them how comfortable they are with that. Regardless of their answer, thank them for their honesty and let them know you'd appreciate them being discrete with this information.
  • jarhead5536

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    May 28, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    At some point during the first date, or even the first meeting. I refuse to put myself out there emotionally with someone that's going to freak out and reject me. He has to go into sex (I'm a sex-on-the-second date guy) fully informed, with some time alone after learning the news to absorb the information and what it means...
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    May 28, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
    From JUMP!! The day you practically meet is when you share that information!!!!
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    Jun 01, 2009 5:40 AM GMT
    I would hope the guy would tell me on the first date like "in 2003 I found out i was Hiv+" something like that...I hate surprises. especially the ones that envole my life.