Working out @ bathhouse and the bf's opinion.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 1:51 AM GMT
    Story:
    My bf and I (long distance 4 months, 300 miles) we see each other all the time.
    I am at my lake house all summer now, had to come home for a meeting today downtown Cleveland. I had to go to the gym, so I went to FLEX, the bathhouse. I got a free gym membership. It was more convenient then going to Bally Fitness which is 20 min past my house in the suburbs.

    BF thinks I should not go a gym @ a bathhouse when you have a bf. "And most people would think this. And I should not have a profile on RealJock." I'm not a cheater, never have. I've offered my passwords to all the sites/email/computer, I have nothing to hide.

    I suggested some boyfriends may think it inappropriate for one to go to bars all the time without their bf. Like circuit parties.

    I'm not one one for "who's right and who's wrong", he suggested I post and get back to him tomorrow with what others think.

    Can a bf work out @ a bathhouse @ 3p, and can bfs go out to bars all the time?


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    May 27, 2009 2:12 AM GMT
    I'd bitc slap the bugger, tell him to deal with his own issues, put his green monster away and to grow some trust in him self..

    But that's me and I don't tend to tolerate jealousy or demanding attitudes or controlling behavior..

    Yeah I"m not all nice rose buds and sweet pleasantries.

    lots of guys have this obnoxious idea that if you there boyfriend you can't do shit with other gay people.. so I tell them they can't do shit with me.
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    May 27, 2009 3:44 AM GMT
    I'm with Tank on this one. My boyfriend went on tour for 5 months with a bunch of other gay men. Either there is trust or there isn't.
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    May 27, 2009 5:08 AM GMT
    haha, he can get over it.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 27, 2009 5:08 AM GMT
    And frankly, most of the men at bathhouses aren't even that hot so you'd be more likely to find a guy more attractive to hook up with at a regular gym... not that I would have any bathhouse experiences to my name... icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 27, 2009 5:29 AM GMT
    If it were the other way around, same situation. Same everything, would you let him go By himself? Not cheating and giving up all the passwords may help but knowing that your man is in a sex environment, is hard to permit. *I tried doing this and it didn't work and no I didn't cheat.
    -good luck
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    May 27, 2009 5:40 AM GMT
    Christian73 saidI'm with Tank on this one. My boyfriend went on tour for 5 months with a bunch of other gay men. Either there is trust or there isn't.


    Which is a different issue from whether there is fidelity or there isn't.

    I think he should understand that a convenient gym in a bathhouse isn't necessarily an issue. OTOH, don't go giving him more things to wonder about. Walking like a duck is one thing, once you start quacking stop blaming him for worrying.

    As for bars, that may be more of an issue. I never drank or smoke so I don't really know what they're there for other than pickups and I only know that in theory. Haven't been to circuit parties either.

    But I do wonder, is all this about trust, or maybe appearances? Because there I would understand, if appearances happen to be important. e.g. if etierh of you authored, let's say, "Gay Monogamy: the Only Road", then neither of you should be seen in any of those places without the other. icon_smile.gif

    BTW, although I can't really blame anyone who hasn't spent time here, I'm a bit put off that people look at RealJock as a pickup site. If anything I'm annoyed I've fucked so few guys from here. But there's plenty other sites that focus on that (and therefore work better), and I've gotten to like the forums, and drop by for the occasional article and news item.

    But then I used to read Playboy for the articles too. My dad finally understands that.
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    May 27, 2009 5:58 AM GMT
    I can bet you that it's not the fact that the issue revolves around a gym in the bathhouse. The issue is that it is a bathhouse. Which is going to have an auto response of sex. Bathhouse=Sex plain and simple. Of course he's going to get upset. I would be as well.

    I don't know about this place called FLEX and don't know how much he knows or what kind of reputation it has but if it's a bathhouse it's a bathhouse. Does it really have a weight area that can accommodate a proper workout? I doubt it but like I said I don't know about that place.

    Driving 20 minutes is really not that far.
  • magicbox1985

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    May 27, 2009 6:28 AM GMT
    At least you're not working out at the local "I'm banging other guys" store.
  • Aries5452

    Posts: 55

    May 27, 2009 6:52 AM GMT
    Your in a bit of pickle huh? I have never been to flex, but I live in Cleveland and I used to work out at ballys. All I know is that I got hit on a ton at Ballys. And Im sure my Ex did too.... hence why we arent together anymore (he took up someone's offer from somewhere). You really have to think about how much trouble this could cause your relationship. If he really doesn't like the idea of you working out there, you might think about respecting that idea. 20 mins is a sinch to avoid fights. Also, like I said... I have never been to Flex.. but I haven't heard good things about the place... and Im sure the regular cliental is pretty nasty.
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    May 27, 2009 7:43 AM GMT
    At first, I was going to respond that you should be able to go where you want to go to regardless, but after some thought, I think this falls under the realm of "Picking and choosing your battles." What is more important-Being able to do so or respecting your bf (who has trust issues that probably need to be worked out)?

    I'd say 20 minutes is nothing in the big scheme of things.
  • handsoffire

    Posts: 178

    May 27, 2009 8:58 AM GMT
    it's 40 minutes total, I can understand at the end of my day I don't want to go further than absolutely necessary.

    Hmm, the problem may not be that you're working out in a bath house (btw, I've been to that flex and yes, it has an awesome space to work out in, you can work out without a shirt on, bonus), but that you and your Bf's view points aren't the same. I've dated a number of guys from different mindsets. The closer to mine the easier the relationships. Sounds like this in a case of very different mindsets icon_neutral.gif I wish you luck in sorting it out. Personally I'd be fine with it, tho I'd also make sure you had the good condoms and lube in your gym bag before you left the house.icon_razz.gif But that's just the kind of guy I am.
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    May 27, 2009 9:06 AM GMT
    I personally wouldn't want my bf working out at a bathhouse. It has nothing to do with trust, it's just a sexual environment. IDK.. I'm with the BF on this one.. sorry dude.
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    May 27, 2009 9:46 AM GMT
    There's a fundamental difference between going to a bar with friends for a cocktail (w/o their b/f), and going to a bath house to "work out."

    There are times when I go to a bar for happy hour with friends, w/o my partner, to have a few drinks and unwind, but I don't leave with anyone. I go home to my partner. However, I've never heard of anyone who thinks it's okay to go to a bath house to work out. Never.

    While it's a fine place to get in a little workout, the fitness areas in bath houses also tend to act as a backdrop for individuals looking to live out gym fuck fantasies.

    You can keep fooling yourself if you want to, but you're not being totally honest with yourself. If I were you, I'd drive the extra 20 minutes and go to Bally's. It's not that expensive, it's cleaner and a much more user-friendly environment than a fucking bath house.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 11:35 AM GMT
    Thanks for the comments.

    I avoided my rationale for going at first - I wanted honest opinions first, about the simple situation.

    I got a free promo membership from my friend, a month ago, who had to give away 150 of them. He works for a charity org, in Cleveland, bf lives in CHI too (together 1 yr), and when I volunteer help him out we've gone there twice.

    Going yesterday was my 3rd time. Being at the lake house all summer I will probably never go again. Then I leave there in Sept/Oct.

    I told my boy "i went today" he got mad; I could have not told him. Right?

    FLEX Cle is the worlds largest bathhouse (& Hotel). It has an amazing gym. 2 pools in.out, tanning deck, movie theater, porn theater, social area with kitchen and full bar, stage/performing area.

    I love my boy. Even if I saw a hot guy there, where there are hotter at Bally's, it would just be a hot guy there. I'm a monogamous boy. Even w/o Flex sex is everywhere.

    So he asks I apologize for "having no common sense" where most guys would see this as a problem. I said there is nothing for him to worry about. He's not happy with that, he wants me to say I'll never go again. I do not seek out to go to go to FLEX. IT was convenient yesterday, and sometimes my friend works out there with me. It's not like I'm going on a Saturday night.
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    May 27, 2009 11:42 AM GMT
    tafkalil saidI personally wouldn't want my bf working out at a bathhouse. It has nothing to do with trust, it's just a sexual environment. IDK.. I'm with the BF on this one.. sorry dude.


    ditto....
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    May 27, 2009 11:44 AM GMT
    As far as the gym you can save yourself a headache and go to Bally's.. but as far as canceling your RJ membership too, does he call you constantly to check up on you? Does he act like the jealous suspicious type when you're out together??

    My last Ex was like that ( not as far as the bathhouse, i've never been to one) when it came to social networking sites, then it was reading my e-mails, causing scenes at bars when we went out if I talked to anyone ( even my friends), calling me at work to make sure I was there.

    I never gave him reason not to trust me, it was all baggage from his previous relationships and is why I finally got sick of dealing with it and having to walk on pins and needles to make him happy.

    There are things you can comprimise on but know when to say enough if his demands get to be too much.

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    May 27, 2009 11:49 AM GMT
    Oh Christopher. I'd expect nothing less from you!

    Kidding. It's not a big deal. Tell your boyfriend to get his panties out of a twist. And yes, go out to bars with friends. It's not like you don't have any to choose from. ;)
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    May 27, 2009 11:57 AM GMT
    onstagebuffnaked saidBF thinks I should not go a gym @ a bathhouse when you have a bf. "And most people would think this. And I should not have a profile on RealJock."

    My partner knows I have an RJ account, and I've suggested he join, but so far he hasn't. He's met every guy from RJ that I have; I would never consider meeting an online guy without including him, now that I'm hitched, and he knows that. Your BF sounds a bit insecure in that regard.

    As for a bathhouse gym, we have at least one down here that I've enjoyed for years, though not a member at the moment, having recently joined a closer gay-owned gym. I can understand how your BF could have some concern in this area.

    Bathhouses are for cruising and easy sex, and most of the guys in the ones I've visited are either in towels or naked. Even in the gym area some guys work out totally nude, or wear just a jock or skimpy briefs, provided they keep a towel between themselves and the equipment.

    Not sure the policy at your place, but I'll bet that's the image your BF has. If it's more innocent than that, more like a traditional gym, you might take him as your guest to show him. Otherwise, I think he may have a point about the bathhouse.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 27, 2009 12:11 PM GMT
    I'm so glad I don't have these issues.

    Does your boyfriend mistrust you because of your past or because of someone else's past? The two of you need work this out in person. You cannot ever develop a relationship in a long distance relationship and have these kinds of issues. The two of you are wasting your times pretending that this could work out.
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    May 27, 2009 12:15 PM GMT
    Be true to yourself... and your own needs and desires first of all. It also has more to do with how you feel about this guy in the "long run". Is he just a "bf" or husband in your heart of hearts?

    Take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself the real reasons you are willing to put up such a fight on this subject and not compromise. If something upset my husband to this extent, I would gladly compromise just to make him feel more at ease and comfortable. If he is just a "bf" then of course you have every right to draw your boundaries and define your relationship in any way you want...

    I know it's HIS issues of insecurity, but... we make sacrifices all the time for those we love. Do you really think that asking your husband not to go to a place that is known for... well you know what it's known for... is too much to ask? I mean, come on, get real. It may not even be a trust issue. He may be worried about what others may think of your relationship if they saw you there alone. Maybe he doesn't want others thinking he is a fool. It could be MANY small issues all rolled into one. I know... these are all HIS issues... But if you love him, then his issues are your issues.

    ALSO... Just wondering why you felt the need to include what "time" you would be there in your original post, if your intentions were completely honorable...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 12:17 PM GMT
    When im at the gym... i get stared at soo much and soo much hooking up goes on... a regular gym might as well be a bath house... the bottom line is... he is either going to trust you or not...
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    May 27, 2009 12:17 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa

    Thanks.

    I invited him when he comes to town. FLEX has a gym attire policy, shorts and shoes - minimum.

    I've been to the baths before this. My friends and I (groups of 5+) have gone 3 times to lallygag around and just play the game. No-sex.

    I understand it is a sexual atmosphere. Cruising is a more bold. I get hit on at least once every time I step foot in a gay bar.

    Granted I deleted my manhunt account, out of respect. Haven't been on gay.com. If I was on manhunt there would have been a fight long ago.

    I think it's trust. The more objectionable the situation the more opportunity for a mistake, hence less trust.

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    May 27, 2009 12:23 PM GMT
    fullpackage saidBe true to yourself... and your own needs and desires first of all. It also has more to do with how you feel about this guy in the "long run". Is he just a "bf" or husband in your heart of hearts?

    ALSO... Just wondering why you felt the need to include what "time" you would be there in your original post, if your intentions were completely honorable...



    We both love each other very much.

    I did say I had errands in the afternoon. Touche, in the end time doesn't matter, you're right. Still going to the gym.
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    May 27, 2009 12:33 PM GMT
    onstagebuffnaked saidRed_Vespa

    Thanks.

    I invited him when he comes to town. FLEX has a gym attire policy, shorts and shoes - minimum...

    Good, showing him the place might help, especially since it sounds pretty tame, compared to other bathhouses I've visited.

    Of course, he still might be uneasy if the gym is adjacent to the "play" areas, with features like nude steam room, sauna, naked pool & hot tub, all the things you expect of a true bathhouse, with sex available virtually everywhere. Otherwise it would be more like an ordinary men's spa.

    BTW, I haven't been to a bathhouse since we first started dating over 2 years ago, and now partnered, since he doesn't go to them himself. That's one thing I do miss from my single life. He never forbade me from going, it's just something I knew for myself not to do, because the bathhouses down here are sex pits, as most are, and we're monogamous.

    Do take your BF there, but don't be surprised if it doesn't change his mind.