Do I owe my long-distance boyfriend an open relationship?

  • Tyinstl

    Posts: 353

    May 27, 2009 5:18 AM GMT
    I don't really feel 100% comfortable with an open relationship...but he's going away to school in Oregon.

    I don't want him to have his needs unfulfilled, but the thought of him with someone else turns my stomach. Am i being selfish to want him to stay monogamous?
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    May 27, 2009 5:35 AM GMT
    I think it's pretty thoughtful that you consider his needs to be met; however, you must ask yourself some questions (or don't, whatev):

    Are you willing to set aside your own feelings for the 'needs' of your partner?

    Are you willing to stay with a partner that wants an open relationship?

    Only you, yourself, can answer similar questions like this. This is YOUR relationship, and I personally don't like giving advice out to people concerning their personal lives.

    Personally, I couldn't handle something like that. If my boyfriend's "needs" weren't being met then I'd call into question what his relationship priorities were. If I concluded that my boyfriend "needed" to have sex to the point to where it's with other people then I wouldn't want that sort of heartache. I know myself well enough to say that since I am a fairly conservative individual whenever it comes to sex... I'd have to let it go. That's just my view on when sex should be permitted and stuff like that.

    Perhaps this just comes down to your perception on with who, where, and when sex is allowed?


    And being selfish to a degree is alright. We're human for crying out loud.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    May 27, 2009 5:41 AM GMT
    You both have to be comfortable with an open relationship, otherwise it's going to poison your relationship. But, if you say no, he might play around anyway. But you shouldn't have to cave just because.

    Unfortunately, this is a tough choice.
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    May 27, 2009 5:47 AM GMT
    Don't 4get about HIV/AIDS Awarenessicon_eek.gif
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    May 27, 2009 5:53 AM GMT
    Well myself I would say no to the open relationship becuase there are going to be alot of things going on while he's away to both of you if anything ask him if he could try to stay faithful for at least a little while but of coruse you have to be able to trust him.Good luck
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    May 27, 2009 6:32 AM GMT
    I'm in a long-distance relationship with someone and we only get to meet once every couple months - i made it quite clear from the get-go that if either of us needed a fix, we should go get it and not worry about the other person FULLY intending that i would NOT have anyone else (and to date, i haven't) ... i did it more for him than me.

    However, i think neither of us WANTS anyone else and neither of us has been with anyone else since we got together. I think expecting the relationship to remain completely monogamous is definitely reasonable though a touch selfish.

    To me, having sex with someone else is NOT a big deal. We're all human and we need to do these kinds of things, LOVE is the big factor. You can have sex with anyone you want as long as you come home to me for a REAL relationship - going out, talking, cuddling, sex, trust, romance, ... the works. It's when/if you are having sex with other people and coming home to a lover becomes almost a chore that there is a problem.

    If both people want a relationship to work, something like sex shouldn't break it up. I think we have way too much emphasis on sex - there are way more important factors!!
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    May 27, 2009 7:09 AM GMT
    tough one, talk to him and really express your feelings. maybe he will change his mind.
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    May 27, 2009 7:26 AM GMT
    I concur with most of the other posters. You should sit down with him before he leaves and have a long, albeit at the start, uncomfortable conversation stating how you feel, what you want and give him the same opportunity and then discuss whatever options you come up with. If you are not willing to explore an open relationship, you should say so. But, ultimately, the decision must be agreed upon by both of you or the relationship will start off once he is gone very shaky with this not having been discussed or an agreed upon resolution being had.
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    May 27, 2009 8:43 AM GMT
    I personally wouldn't allow it, we'd either have to make do.. or just break things off. LDR's are really hard anyway, add the openness(if you're not comfy with it) and things are bound to fuck up. Sit down, talk it through with your other half, and see what happens. If you're not comfortable with it, even in the least, I wouldn't go for it.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    May 27, 2009 11:51 AM GMT
    Be very upfront and honest. Express all your worries. From commitment to HIV. Set bounderies. Rules. In my 7 years after much up and down we have finally gotten comfortable with honesty. And it was mostly me.
    Play Safe.
    Talk about who it is before and what you did after.
    No-one spends the night. Your bed is for you and your BF not some hook up.
    Don't get yourself in a situation where you can't get out of or hold up the agreement.
    Yeah it sucks to plan out hooking up the spontinety is part of fun. But something has to give in a relationship.
    But good luck to you both.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    May 27, 2009 1:04 PM GMT
    I probably can consider it. Once a good looking young men who in the navy show some level of interest in dating me. I decided not to, just because he hardly on land and if he do , he will be in his Navy base in some bachelor barrack.

    Now I kinda regret it. He is good looking, treat me with love and affection. Good in bed and have all those good quality I seek for in a men. Probably I should suggest open relationship , since I dont believe we can be faithfull to each other due to our distance.
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    May 27, 2009 1:29 PM GMT
    Why would you have to have an open relationship?

    Did he bring up this topic or is this something you thought up?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 27, 2009 1:48 PM GMT
    You owe him honesty. Tell him how you feel. Just because he's a gay man doesn't mean he can't keep it in his pants.
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    May 27, 2009 2:33 PM GMT
    Tim is correct he may feel the same way that you do. You owe it him tell him how you feel. If an open relationship is absolutely something that you know you can't live with, perhaps you may need to take a long look at the relationship. Good Luck.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 27, 2009 2:46 PM GMT
    Just as he feel he may be entitled to an open relationship, you are entitled to monogamy. There isn't a right or wrong answer, and this is point where compromise is difficult, but you should never have to sacrifice your feelings for the person you love, and he shouldn't have to do the same.
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    May 27, 2009 2:46 PM GMT
    Tyinstl said Am i being selfish to want him to stay monogamous?


    You're not being selfish. Part of what makes a relationship work is having the same plans/goals with the relationship. It would be the same if he wanted kids really bad and you were dead set against it. If you have the kids, you might be miserable and unhappy. If you don't have them, he might resent you, etc.

    So, if you know that an open relationship isn't what you want, then you won't be happy in one. Compromise is great, but some things you can't compromise on; it's either one or the other. Just like the kid example, you can't compromise about having kids by renting them on weekends. You either have them or you don't.

    Ask him to be honest. If he knows he can't be faithful while he's in school, I think it would be better for you to break up while you're still on good terms. It'll hurt a lot less than you finding out that he's been cheating on you.

    Good luck.
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    May 27, 2009 2:46 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidYou owe him honesty. Tell him how you feel. Just because he's a gay man doesn't mean he can't keep it in his pants.


    Though they'd like you to believe that they have to run around humping everything in site cuz it's the way they're "programmed."

    I'd be very uncomfortable with it. Some people equate sex with a handshake, I don't. I do not owe it to anyone to change my views about sex I'm sorry. If I have sex with someone, it's my way of telling them they're special (not to be mistaken for "speshul"). If I'm going to put out, I expect to be respected. That's really not unrealistic in a relationship. If your needs are different and he's moving far away it might be time to evaluate where the relationship can go.

    That and this day and and age you really HAVE to be careful. The under 30 crowd is the fastest growing community of HIV cases. Even if you use protection, condoms are not 100% foolproof, so even if you are protected you still don't want to put yourself in a risky situation.

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    May 27, 2009 2:53 PM GMT



    You know MunchingZombie, we're wondering the same...


    "Why would you have to have an open relationship?

    Did he bring up this topic or is this something you thought up?"


    So Tyinstl.........icon_question.gif
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    May 27, 2009 4:32 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidYou owe him honesty. Tell him how you feel.


    This is ALL you owe him and MORE importantly yourself!!!!
  • Tyinstl

    Posts: 353

    May 27, 2009 9:03 PM GMT
    MunchingZombieWhy would you have to have an open relationship?

    Did he bring up this topic or is this something you thought up?


    We had talked about it, and I said that one day, when i was comfortable in the relationship, I wouldn't be opposed to the idea at all. So he put it up on facebook as "open relationship" and won't change it back.

    I want him to wait, i'm not ready for it. We've only been together for a month, and at the moment I want him to be exclusively mine until we've solidified at least.

    I guess I'd go through with it if I felt like my opinion mattered. But he's not budging on the matter, he's saying right now, regardless of what i think.
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    May 27, 2009 9:07 PM GMT
    Tyinstl said
    We had talked about it, and I said that one day, when i was comfortable in the relationship, I wouldn't be opposed to the idea at all. So he put it up on facebook as "open relationship" and won't change it back.

    I want him to wait, i'm not ready for it. We've only been together for a month, and at the moment I want him to be exclusively mine until we've solidified at least.

    I guess I'd go through with it if I felt like my opinion mattered. But he's not budging on the matter, he's saying right now, regardless of what i think.


    Ick, I'd get rid of him based on the fact that your input doesn't matter and his willingness to display the 'open relationship' status is just....unattractive.

    I'm all for couples experimenting and exploring their sexuality, but advertising it all over the place is a big turnoff for me.
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    May 27, 2009 9:12 PM GMT
    If you've been with him a month and you're already having this conversation, well...

    You either have to face two possibilities: one, he'll insist upon an open relationship in order to still "be with" you (i.e. he'll present a demand as a request, even though it is not); the other, he'll fuck around wherever he is and NOT tell you about it. Perhaps my suggestions are harsh but really, perhaps it's time for a real and uncomfortable conversation.icon_redface.gif
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    May 27, 2009 11:09 PM GMT


    Well, better to find out now that you have this huge difference in needs, rather than once you get comfortable in the relationship, because being comfortable doesn't mean that you automatically lose your desire for monogamy, or abruptly gain a desire for an open relationship.

    Neither one of you are in the wrong, because you're just bringing up the monogamy (and a big compatibility) question now...though I brought it up on the second date as part of a general description of myself. Hey if that scared 'em off too bad, heheh.


    -Doug
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    May 27, 2009 11:30 PM GMT
    Tyinstl said
    MunchingZombieWhy would you have to have an open relationship?

    Did he bring up this topic or is this something you thought up?


    We had talked about it, and I said that one day, when i was comfortable in the relationship, I wouldn't be opposed to the idea at all. So he put it up on facebook as "open relationship" and won't change it back.

    I want him to wait, i'm not ready for it. We've only been together for a month, and at the moment I want him to be exclusively mine until we've solidified at least.

    I guess I'd go through with it if I felt like my opinion mattered. But he's not budging on the matter, he's saying right now, regardless of what i think.


    Random thoughts.....

    The writing is on the wall, but you don't want to read it. Don't be naive.

    My guess is that you are already in an open relationship. Simply put, he's probably already out there fuckin' whomever he wants.

    You've been dating the guy for only 30 days. You're still strangers to each other. You're only 21. In one year, you'll be totally different person. So will he. You two might not even like each other anymore.

    If I were you, I'd prepare to say good-bye to this one.

    Lastly, YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP! We're talking about your emotional and physical health; you should not compromise either. it would be different if you both wanted an open relationship. You obviously don't.

    Forgive me if I'm harsh. It's just that I have no respect for selfish boyfriends who focus solely on satisfying their sexual desires. He's saying your opinion does not matter.

    What are you waiting for?
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    May 27, 2009 11:59 PM GMT
    No, you don't owe him that.