If your long term partner told you he tested positive what would you do?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2009 8:00 PM GMT
    I have read a few times on here about guys saying to be protected even in monogamous relationships because they knew of someone that got infected while in a "monogamous" relationship.

    If you found out your partner tested positive would you let him go or would you love him enough to stay with him?
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    May 27, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    My partner tested positive about five years in to our 12 year relationship. This was year 2000 when anti viral drugs were just starting to become widely used although there were many side effects.

    I was shocked and upset by his news but we managed to talk through it with the help of couselling and honesty with each other. I forgave him and was more upset that he was too afraid to tell me for many months after his diagnosis and had to go through it on his own. I never for one moment wanted to leave him.

    Our relationship lasted for another 6 good years and the virus never came between us. We always used condoms and I am negative to this day (well, when I had my last test in February).

    Unfortunately, my ex partner was killed in a house fire after falling asleep while smoking a cigarette.

    So, in the end it was the dreaded weed that did it for him not HIV.
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    May 27, 2009 8:59 PM GMT
    It's a tough question. I don't know what I'd do.

    I love him very much - if he contracted HIV, I wouldn't be worried about having safe sex with one another if we stayed together; it's more the damage to my trust that would result from knowing he (a) had sex with another guy and (b) it was unprotected. That's a pretty big blow to any relationship. I guess it can be managed through counselling for some, but I'm not sure how rational I would be after the shock of finding out.
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    May 27, 2009 9:09 PM GMT
    Well, I think all relationships are tested at various points in life, they're never easy.
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    May 27, 2009 11:19 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidMy partner tested positive about five years in to our 12 year relationship. This was year 2000 when anti viral drugs were just starting to become widely used although there were many side effects.

    I was shocked and upset by his news but we managed to talk through it with the help of couselling and honesty with each other. I forgave him and was more upset that he was too afraid to tell me for many months after his diagnosis and had to go through it on his own. I never for one moment wanted to leave him.

    Our relationship lasted for another 6 good years and the virus never came between us. We always used condoms and I am negative to this day (well, when I had my last test in February).

    Unfortunately, my ex partner was killed in a house fire after falling asleep while smoking a cigarette.

    So, in the end it was the dreaded weed that did it for him not HIV.


    wow man..I had no idea you had been through all of that...I am so sorry to hear about that. But to hear how you handled the hiv thing is so admirable and loving...most guys would dream of having a love like your for him.
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    May 27, 2009 11:40 PM GMT
    We are both negative, so for either of us to test positive would raise the question of cheating. I would want him to tell me how he thought he became poz.

    But no, I wouldn't leave him solely because of him being poz. My last partner was poz when we got together, I could deal with that, stay with him, take care of him. I would, however, want to be assured by him that I was still his man, that if he had cheated that it was over. His having HIV would be enough punishment for his having strayed, no need for me to pile on, too.

    But this is all hypothetical, for the sake of this discussion. Neither of us is going to cheat, and the only chance we might get HIV would be from a medical procedure. I'm SO glad I resisted the VA's insistence I get a colonoscopy, because guys who had them at the Miami VA hospital here are testing positive for HIV.
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    May 27, 2009 11:52 PM GMT
    Tough one. After careful consideration -I would stay with him if he contracted it thru a blood transfusion.
  • styrgan

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    May 28, 2009 12:06 AM GMT
    I'm assuming from the OP's post that he came to be positive through cheating, so I'm going to run with that...

    I have never had a long-term relationship where I was cheated on, but I remember from two cases feeling pretty betrayed. I don't think I would be able to continue being involved with the person.
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    May 28, 2009 12:11 AM GMT
    I'd be upset with him for cheating, for one.

    But I'd deal with it. Would we break up? Only if it became an issue for him. He'd still be the same person.
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    May 28, 2009 12:14 AM GMT
    Umm, punch him in the back of the head!
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    May 28, 2009 12:18 AM GMT
    Lapinblanc saidUmm, punch him in the back of the head!


    As he's on his way to the curb
  • SFNavigator

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    May 28, 2009 12:21 AM GMT
    Relationships are built on; love, trust, honesty, truthfullness and open dialog. If my partner contacted HIV from playing around without me knowing it, all of the above would have been violated, and yea, he would be out of my life. A stable, moral man would have come to me and said things are no longer satisifying and I would like to be with other men, giving me the option of weather or not I wanted that, and since it concerns my life and my health, I have a right be a part of the decision making process-- rather than him cheating and possibly infecting me with AIDS. To me its totally irresponsible behavior and so self serving. Once a cheater, always a cheater!
    In your decision making process to answer your question, ask yourself, how this is going to alter your life and relationship with him. Can you ever trust him again?
    Its one thing to play around and confess it to your partner, but a whole different thing when they bring back a disease that can kill both of you. No thanks!
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    May 28, 2009 12:23 AM GMT

    Nice try, BlackGuy4U, but I'm sure the OP means would you leave him if he either cheated or didn't protect himself in an open sex relationship and contracted the disease.

    This question is not hard to answer, it is impossible to answer. There are a mess of undeterminable factors that could cause a man to either stay or go. It's impossible to set up a hypothetical situation out of so many variables.
    To do so, you'd have to widdle the situation down to a very black and white situation.

    Black & White, whether in a closed or open relationship, we would have a responsibility to protect eachother. If it was he cheated, what the hell was he doing having risky sex and if open, what the hell was he doing having risky sex if he knew he could not only infect me, but deprive me of him.

    I would be crushed. I don't want the disease in my life which is why I am safe and it would be a motivating factor for any relationship I went into. I'd consider his actions a breech of our trust in eachother and I doubt I could move past it. Although add or subtract one or more of untold and unknown variables, I might stay. As I said, impossible question to answer.
  • calibro

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    May 28, 2009 12:44 AM GMT
    If he contracted it through cheating, I would have to leave. Every time I saw an AIDS ribbon, a bottle of medicine, anything associated with the disease, it would remind me of his infidelity. For me, I can't move on and forgave something when I would be constantly exposed to the ramifications of the situation.
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    May 28, 2009 4:55 AM GMT
    Speaking on a purely visceral level, if he tested positive because he had cheated, shot up, etc. and had subsequently exposed me to the virus w/o telling me, I'd probably do something to him that'd land me in jail.
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    May 28, 2009 5:21 AM GMT
    I'd take it OK. For the six-tenths of a second I'd think about myself, I'd feel a little betrayed. Then, I'd start to worry about him, how he feels and how much he'll need me.

    Plenty of time for talking after.
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    May 28, 2009 5:25 AM GMT
    if he got it by helping children in africa and the village got raided and he was helping a dieing child and he was cutup and blood got intermixed then i could still love him

    if he cheated on me, i would make sure the door hit him on the way out and id keep the house and the cat.
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    May 28, 2009 5:28 AM GMT
    First thing I'd do is get myself to an HIV specialist for a test. Then, I'd have a little chat with the wandering one..........about the future of our relationship - or the lack thereof. If my tests came back positive, I might consider kicking the fucking shit out of the s.o.b. I'd be thinking (and saying) "Thanks a lot - you god-damned cheating bastard. You had yourself a little extracurricular fun and brought home something to share with me, huh?"icon_evil.gif
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    May 28, 2009 6:20 AM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidFirst thing I'd do is get myself to an HIV specialist for a test. Then, I'd have a little chat with the wandering one..........about the future of our relationship - or the lack thereof. If my tests came back positive, I might consider kicking the fucking shit out of the s.o.b. I'd be thinking (and saying) "Thanks a lot - you god-damned cheating bastard. You had yourself a little extracurricular fun and brought home something to share with me, huh?"icon_evil.gif


    If you've ever read any of my posts, you may know I often aim cerebrally, but in this case? Yeah, I'm feeling Jockbod48's straightforward response. icon_evil.gif
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    May 28, 2009 6:27 AM GMT
    That's a difficult one! Obviously there would be hurt, I mean, it WAS suppose to be a monogamous relationship and he's become infected so he's been playing around. After the dust settled, I'd probably end the relationship however would not "ditch" him. I just could not forgive the possibility that I may have been infected by his philandering and the deceit....
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    May 28, 2009 6:47 AM GMT



    Jockbod48, a close friend of mine had that happen to him. His partner contracted it fooling around on the sly, then gave it to my friend and never admitted it til my friend got ill. They broke up and my friend's partner passed away several months later.

    That was in the 80s. My friend is still alive and relatively healthy. He was just over a few days ago. He won't go out with anyone, afraid he may somehow spread it, even though we all know how meticulously careful he'd be.

    This is a big reason why Bill and I take such a drastically dim view of cheating.


    -Doug
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    May 28, 2009 6:49 AM GMT
    A lot of people seem to be enthusiastically and self righteously advocating violence in this situation. The guy that infected me did so on purpose. We were not in an ltr, but resorting to violence was the last thing on my mind. I was angry with myself for allowing it to happen, but I felt genuinely sad for him. I pitied him for having such a fucked up life that he would want to do something like that to another human being. Hurting him wasn't going to change a thing, so it never crossed my mind.

    To address the situation the OP has put forth: I can imagine leaving him or kicking him out, but I could not imagine physically hurting someone who I had shared my life with. Regardless of how he might have hurt me or whether or not I remained in a relationship with him, I wouldn't let him go it alone. I would do my very best make sure he got the best help and resources possible.

  • May 28, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
    I'd be hurt and feel sad for a while, but I know mine well enough to know that he'd tell me if he found out first, and I wouldn't just throw him out if I did. I can't imagine circumstances that would make me leave over that issue alone. Life is terribly short.

    I got a taste of how short it can be, for several harrowing hours, when my partner recently had a heart attack while hiking in a nearby park. His cell phone died on the way to the hospital, neither the paramedics nor the ER contacted me, and I wasn't able to track him down until the next day (with help from his brother back East, but that's another story). I was sure he was dead, and uncertain if I'd even see his body. Every deadly scenario ran through my head: carjacking, mugging, highway hit-and-run... But, after desperately, crazily, scouring the streets of L.A. for his car and phoning everyone I knew all night and into the morning, I found out he was alive and in a nearby intensive care unit. That kind of experience tends to put things in perspective, and let me discover what was truly important to me.

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    May 28, 2009 9:54 AM GMT
    I'm a crybaby! I would cry because he just basically screwed himself over. I mean, if he got it from some other reason other than cheating then I could understand, but... honestly, I think that if I loved him I would stay. If I didn't I'd would probably hate him with a fiery, nefarious passion for the rest of my life.
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    May 28, 2009 10:06 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidA lot of people seem to be enthusiastically and self righteously advocating violence in this situation. The guy that infected me did so on purpose. We were not in an ltr, but resorting to violence was the last thing on my mind. I was angry with myself for allowing it to happen, but I felt genuinely sad for him. I pitied him for having such a fucked up life that he would want to do something like that to another human being. Hurting him wasn't going to change a thing, so it never crossed my mind.

    To address the situation the OP has put forth: I can imagine leaving him or kicking him out, but I could not imagine physically hurting someone who I had shared my life with. Regardless of how he might have hurt me or whether or not I remained in a relationship with him, I wouldn't let him go it alone. I would do my very best make sure he got the best help and resources possible.


    I would hope I have grown enough to be able to say I would do as GS suggests, but I am not sure I would be able to get beyond the betrayal and absolute disregard for me, if it invovled cheating and lying about it. Love him enough to be there and take care of him, yes. Love him enough to stay his husband, I honestly don't know. If I am true to myself, probably not.