Dating Straight "unsure guys"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 12, 2007 2:54 AM GMT
    Good god. Alright, a good friend of mine told me a few months ago that he might be gay. I had already had a crush on this guy for months, and I still do. But hes just not ready to do anything about it, cus hes unsure of himself. This other guy that I like said the same thing! And theyve both hinted that they may feel something for me.

    But I just dont think I can take this "leading on" anymore. Normally I would say "When you figure it out, give me a call", but I can't with these two boys because theyre close friends, and I hang out with them daily. I can't just seperate myself.

    So, for me, this seems to be a recurring trend. I'll date a guy, and be the one to "bring him out of the closet" so to speak, and then they leave me when they're comfortable with themselves and say "Thanks for the help, Ian!", or decide that guys aren't for them.

    Why the hell am I such a sucker for strait boys? And what the f*** can I do about these friends of mine. I just feel like it's seriously wearing on me, and it may be a bit unhealthy to always get caught up with the "unsure" guys.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Nov 12, 2007 3:00 AM GMT
    I was unsure back in 1998 when I started talking to a guy on yahoo. I ended up meeting him, not knowing what I really wanted or why. Well except I did attack him on the second date. I never lacked confidence.

    9 years later we are still together.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 12, 2007 3:05 AM GMT
    My advise, be honest with them both and tell them what you've told us. If they are your friends, they will understand.

    I can totally understand why you don't want to be anyone's starter-gay again.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Nov 12, 2007 11:16 AM GMT
    Your experience with these newbie gay guys is par for the course
    Young gay guys who are just coming out are rarely ready for a monogamous relationship
    they are usually like a kid in a candy store and they want to see what's out there...and who can blame them
    also you said these guys are friends - a double whammy for you if things go sour
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    Nov 12, 2007 2:44 PM GMT
    As far as friends go, fine. But in terms of anything physical or emotional (beyond a listening ear), back away. Back away slowly and offer to take them out clubbing or something.

    Kansan's experience notwithstanding (and I bet even he'd admit it's the exception, not the rule), guys who are "unsure" are a can of worms.
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    Nov 12, 2007 2:50 PM GMT
    I am in a similar situation one of my friends is very cute and suddenly comes out to me as pseudo-bisexual. But he is really confused and thinks he just likes girls and has 'man crushes' lol.

    Anyway, you can try to pursue it but give him his time, don't pressure him. Also, don't rely on it to work, so don't put all your eggs in one basket. You can pursue him but also go out and pursue other guys who better know what they want.

    Best of luck!
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    Nov 12, 2007 4:20 PM GMT
    this is tricky. A great friend of mine came out recently, having been pretty supportive when I told him that I was gay 4 years ago.

    My initial reaction was not the best, I was shocked that he had waited 4 years to talk about it.

    Things are much better now, although I had to make it clear that we remained friends and that sex wasn't an option.

    He thought that it was a given, that we would end up in bed. Although he is a great guy, I just feel that the friendship we have should not be put at risk.
  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Nov 12, 2007 4:27 PM GMT
    In my opinion - age might have an influence.
    I came out to myself and others at the age of 37.
    I had been married for 11 years to a women and wanted the closeness and committment that comes along with being in a monogamous committed relationship.
    So, right off the bat - that is what i looked for.
    Unfortunately, two failed relationships later - i have been burned once too many times and think i need to be single for a while.

    Back to your friends - if they are "young" or have not been in a committed relationship with someone - they likely may not be ready to "settle" down.
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    Nov 12, 2007 6:40 PM GMT
    I went to an all boys school and ended up sleeping with 14 out of 32 boys on the campus. They had Gurl friends and called them every night telling them how much they love their gurls and how they miss them so bad yet, they sleep with me at night. Now I never hit on guys face to face my 1st time meeting them. Back when I was 16 but they knew I was gay and felt that they could still get some ass from the same sex and keep every thing Confidential just between us.

    Well it worked like that until one of my undercover boys gurlfriends came to visit him. She had a few friends with her and she was telling them how big is dick was, and she was just so sure of her self that her man would never cheat on her. Now I'm in the group of friends she is talking to and I'm just like OMG if this gurl only knew what her man really was doing. This happend alot just with a differnt guy added with a differnt story line. I'm I a bad guy for that?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 12, 2007 7:08 PM GMT
    Yah, we're all 18 haha. I'm ready for some commitment, and my one friend that I've had the crush on for quite a while likes commitment. But it just seems liek whenever you bring someone out they havent experienced it all yet, and once they're comfortable with they're gayness theyll wander off in search of adventure.

    *sigh*

    Where are all the people who actually KNOW themselves?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 12, 2007 7:11 PM GMT
    Who that is so true! I want something real too ya know. I wanna be in love I'm just scared to be in love and well I just don't know I'm too young to look I guess.
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    Nov 12, 2007 7:18 PM GMT
    Isn't there enough queers out there?? I just had a conversation with a friend that keeps having stupid crushes on straight guys....I simply don't get it!...at least you are young but my friend is in his upper 30s! very sad.

    If what you are looking for is sex, then it might work. Let's hope they don't turn around and kill you when they realized what they have done! if you are looking for a relationship, then it is a given it is NOT going to work out...even if they are truly gayer than Clay Aiken...at least until they become comfortable with themselves, and that can takes years if not a complete lifetime.

    When I was your age I spent a lot of time trying to "help" people, it is an invitation to get involve in their mess...if I could go back I will send them to talk to a professional, they know the skills not to get sucked into the whole situation.

    Those are my two cents!
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    Nov 12, 2007 7:29 PM GMT
    What Halfback2 said!
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    Nov 12, 2007 7:48 PM GMT
    Don't date either of them. What they need now is a good friend. They need to do their exploring and their growing and that's going to involve some pain and they'll need support.

    In terms of your emotions, you sound like you've been down this road before. You know where it ends. Sure there's the 0.01% chance that a relationship with them could last a longer time. But friends are always better. And, if a few years from now, they are comfortable with themselves and with their experiences, perhaps they will be ready to explore something with you with a little more experience behind them.
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    Nov 12, 2007 8:24 PM GMT
    Sorry but this cannot pass unremarked: "I went to an all boys school and ended up sleeping with 14 out of 32 boys on the campus."

    Huh?! Where did you go to? Mount High Schoool for Teenage Sluts?
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Nov 12, 2007 8:57 PM GMT
    My opinion? Don't go there. A recovering heterosexual is not the place mentally to commit to a serious relationship with a man. He needs to have that wild and crazy period we all go through to get the novelty of gay sex out of our systems before settling down with one guy. You'll only get your heart broken because he feels the need to explore his new world...
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    Nov 12, 2007 9:07 PM GMT
    mcgine, be aware of people that persue attention at any cost....everything is about "me", and sex is a very powerfull tool.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 13, 2007 4:17 AM GMT
    good one red!! i dont think he so much as went to that school but filmed a porno there!! lol
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    Nov 13, 2007 5:57 AM GMT
    lol @ liftordie
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 13, 2007 6:10 AM GMT
    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 13, 2007 6:14 AM GMT
    Personally, I think you have to try and not say "what if" later. If the guy you have a crush on gets a boyfriend, you'll always be jealous of whoever he's with and wish it had been you.

    That being said, be smart, and know that they're going to be unreliable and flaky, and you'll have to baby them along. At the end of it, you'll either have a boyfriend or nothing at all.

    I had this happen to me, I never loved harder, and then he broke my heart. But that's how I measure everything since then, and it's how I know if new guys I meet are gonna fit the bill.
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    Nov 14, 2007 9:42 PM GMT
    Soccer10: Thats exactly it! I was in a relationshipo for a year and a half with this guy who I brought out of the closet, and I never felt that way before. Usually I had been cautious and wise to the whole "I love you" thing, but this guy really swept me up. Then pretty much out of no where, he decided he needed to explore and he broke up with me... ON MY BIRTHDAY! So for six months after that he dragged me along, and I was a sucker and went with it because I thought he'd come back. But I was just his support.

    So yah, I think I'll be there for my friends. But once they have some experience behind them and they know what htye want, I just might be there to swoop them up.

    For now I'll find myself a decent guy icon_smile.gif
    Which I think I've found!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 14, 2007 10:55 PM GMT
    I think you aren't differentiating emotional love which is rare and hormonal lust which is like breathing or eating. Until you do its gonna be a ride on a big roller coaster. Experimenting with NSA sex right off may keep you from getting involved emotionally when there really is no basis for it other other than horniness.