Need Help/Advice on Rebuilding old relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    I would really appreciate any help or advice you guys can give me regarding my present situation.
    I recently started talking to my ex with whom I broke up about a year ago. When I ended the relationship it was not due to falling out of love, on the contrary I still loved him very much but his jealousy became to much for me. When he and I met I had just returned from a study abroad and would not be returning to me regular college for a few months as my study abroad overlapped with the start of the fall semester. During this time we really fell hard for each other. When I did return to school things continued to be great but as the semester wore on he would hear about me going out all the time partying with my straight fraternity brothers and he began to become jealous and suspicious. Every call started to become an accusation of this or that; I never cheated on him but he was still suspicious and his jealousies became more stress than I could handle. I did not realize it at the time but I now can see that I did do things to stoke his jealousy and that I was in some ways still holding on to my past single life (e.g. I still had my gay.com account even thought it showed me as in a relationship) About a month before the end of spring semester I felt I could not take anymore of his jealousy and I ended the relationship. I felt in a way that he had forced my hand. I did not want to end the relationship. I initially intended on this only being a temporary break but as the weeks wore on my anger at him for “ruining” our relationship grew and I just could not face him.
    It has been a little over a year now since our break up. We began talking again a little over a month ago when I allowed him to have my number again. Since returning home for the summer I have stayed with him at his place until this past weekend to the present. Things seemed to be going really well again and all signs were pointing to us getting back together. I know that he loves me still and moreover I know that I love him. The problem is he does not feel he can date me again because he is afraid of getting hurt again. He knows that I may have good intentions but he is afraid that I will still hurt him or that once I have what I want that I wont want it anymore. I have had a lot longer to think about this than he has and I do know that I am fully committed to being in a relationship with him again; furthermore I have grown up considerably since the time of our break up and the causes of problems we had before are no longer present.

    My question to you guys is: How can I convince him that I will not hurt him again and that it is worth the risk of us dating again?

    Any advice, comments, help is very appreciated.

    Thanks,
    J-P

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2009 10:21 PM GMT
    Perhaps this could be a matter of time. In my experience, it's never just been a matter of sitting someone down and intensely explaining to them that they will have no reason to worry about being hurt. That's a personal issue that he himself had to deal with. Trust takes time, or at least that's my take on the matter, so I believe the best 'advice' I could give you is to make sure you're on your best behavior. Perhaps you could call into question whenever you're engaging in an activity: "Would this stroke his insecurities?" "Am I doing something that would potentially upset my hopefully-to-be boyfriend?"

    I recently read another post (which was by Lysander), an exceptional post, that stated that "Walking like a duck is one thing, once you start quacking stop blaming him for worrying." I thought that was a great thing to say. Don't go out and give him reasons to worry, of course. I'm sure you're well aware of this, but I thought it just needed to be reiterated so I'm sure you understand the severity.

    In a perfect world, MAYBE it would work if we just sat someone down and talked through the issues in one setting; however, this world is not even close to perfect. This might call for quite a bit of patience and understanding (moreso than you might be use to, even more that might get on your nerves at time- but it's worth it, right?)

    Here we have two guys. One guy was doing things that the other didn't really see as truthworthy. The guy that was doing the untruthworthy acts (in the other guy's perspective, of course- NOT my perception of the situation) broke up with the guy who was suspecting him of unjust acts. I could understand from his side that there's something that might not be right.

    Patience and understanding go a long way. Maybe that could be the best advice I could give you.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 28, 2009 11:09 PM GMT
    Creatures of habit, eh?

    Seriously though, what has he done to make things better? Why is it only your fault? He was the jealous one, right?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 28, 2009 11:19 PM GMT
    Err ... Hurt him again?

    Unless you left somethin' out it ain't you that needs to be doing the talking

    If you wanna try that route again with this guy you're going to have to sit him down and ask how this time is going to be different
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2009 11:32 PM GMT
    There are 3 billion men on this planet, and you are 24 year old. Is he really your best bet? You guys struck out already, maybe time to expand your dating horizons. icon_confused.gif
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    May 28, 2009 11:51 PM GMT



    "I did not realize it at the time but I now can see that I did do things to stoke his jealousy and that I was in some ways still holding on to my past single life (e.g. I still had my gay.com account even thought it showed me as in a relationship) About a month before the end of spring semester I felt I could not take anymore of his jealousy and I ended the relationship."


    and the following from the other guy when SigStud tried to reconnect...

    "The problem is he does not feel he can date me again because he is afraid of getting hurt again."

    He's aware of his limitations.

    "He knows that I may have good intentions but he is afraid that I will still hurt him or that once I have what I want that I wont want it anymore."

    He's afraid you're saying this stuff just to get him in the sack.

    "I have had a lot longer to think about this than he has"

    ...how would that be? He's been alive and thinking about this since you ended it, or are you thinking he just forgot all about you the day you left?

    "and I do know that I am fully committed to being in a relationship with him again; furthermore I have grown up considerably since the time of our break up and the causes of problems we had before are no longer present".


    This last is not really great Sig. While it's great you've matured and can admit that your attitude then was different, this saying that the causes of problems you had before no longer being present is telling me something else.

    You really should do him a huge kindness and let him go. If you force this and break down whatever tenuous defence he's managed to erect around his insides, you may well indeed change your mind as I think you may need more out of a relationship than him - more space and emotional distance.

    -Doug of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2009 12:18 AM GMT
    jprichva saidOver the top jealousy is a sign of serious character problems. Your instincts told you to break up the first time---now, you're a little lonely, and you remember the good more than the bad (that's human nature). So you think---maybe this time it'll be different?

    It won't. Move on.


    A perfect response.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2009 12:25 AM GMT
    While you've written a lot here, not quite enough to give sound advice because there's unmentioned variables. And of course we're only hearing your side, and what you understand of his side. But that's almost always the case on forums so here I go trying anyway.

    As most have said, sounds as if it were mainly his fault, and you're taking on more than you should. A gay.com account is not a problem if it says "in a relationship". Manhunt yes, gay.com no (IMHO). I think it was in that other thread from which soulasphyxia quotes me (a first, btw! Thanks soul!) that some guy's bf didn't like him having a RealJock account either.

    If you're right and it was somehow your fault, meaning therefore you could possibly fix it by yourself, then there's something you haven't told us. But if you're also right in that you're willing to be better in whatever respect that is, I guess you don't have to tell us.

    If you really weren't at fault, the fact that he's saying YOU might hurt HIM again means he doesn't get what broke you up and will do it again.

    You can't convince him you won't hurt him again, or at least you shouldn't try, both because of the above, and because you may actually screw up this time in a whole new way. Why promise not to make mistakes?



  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 29, 2009 12:32 AM GMT
    So let me get this straight.... He became too jealous and then you broke up with him. What makes you think that wouldn't occur again? This is totally battered wife syndrome.

    "He won't hit me again if I just don't do what upset him in the first place!"

    It doesn't really matter what his motives are, responding out of jealously the way he did is a sign of immaturity and serious personal issues. You can't fix that, only he can.

    It also sounds like he's done quite a number making you believe you bear responsibility in this, and now has managed to make you the bad guy by you having to prove you won't abandon him.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    May 29, 2009 1:49 AM GMT
    Chalk it up to experience and don't make the same mistake with the next guy. You can't go back. Really.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    May 29, 2009 2:07 AM GMT
    You should probably approach the root cause of your prior breakup. I would focus on whether or not he has dealt with his jealousy problem. And if it seems like he has, that is your selling point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2009 2:13 AM GMT

    First of all, if someone made your OP into a movie, I'd totally go see it! Great writing. Next, fool's rush in. What is to stop unforeseen pittfalls of an average relationship from resurging his jealousy? CoolArmyDude, said it right; he's done nothing to show that he's matured as a person and won't freak out if you get cruised or high five male friends or chat on gay jock sites...tread carefully here and make communication a constant. Talk to him about the first split. Why it happened and what both of you need to do to prevent it happening again.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2009 3:04 AM GMT
    styrgan saidYou should probably approach the root cause of your prior breakup. I would focus on whether or not he has dealt with his jealousy problem. And if it seems like he has, that is your selling point.


    I am not sure if that is the root cause of the break up. Jealousy is horrible, but did you guys try to work it out? Did you communicate and make reasonable expectations about each other's behavior when not together? If you two did not do that then that is the first thing you have to work on or you are just wasting each other's time; the jealousy issue and your egging him on would be great practice topics.

    And what is with the "you know he loves you" bit? Did he say he loves you? has he COMMUNICATED that or are you just assuming? If he has not and you two have not talked about it, the root problem of the break up is still there. If not, he is an asshole for putting himself in a position for you two to fall in love with each other and then pulling this "but I don't want to get hurt again" crap. Don't want to get hurt? Don't be in a relationship.
  • inmidair

    Posts: 70

    May 29, 2009 3:51 AM GMT
    In a lot of situations, jealousy can be a tool for manipulating and controlling other people. "I know you've got a break from classes, but it makes me really upset when you go party with your other friends, even though they are straight..." He's convinced you that you were deliberately trying to hurt his feelings and make him jealous, instead of taking ownership for his own behavior.

    I strongly suspect that if he hasn't outright taken responsibility for his behavior, he's going to be doing the same thing (or a variation on the theme) within a couple of months of getting back together.

    You owe it to yourself to find a healthier relationship... he owes it to himself to find a good therapist so that every relationship he has doesn't end up the same way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2009 4:19 AM GMT
    Sounds like you'd better leave the past IN the past with this guy. If you really want to consider another shot with this old failed relationship, the simple answer is to draw a line down the center of a page. On one side list any reasons to get back together. On the other side, list all the problems. Whenever I do this (about a situation) I get a clearer picture of which direction I should go.

    I have to be careful about looking at past relationships with rose colored glasses, because I tend to remember only the positive. Think clearly about whether you should go down this road again. Think about the stats regarding "the second time around" situations. Are those stats very good?
  • rockitnyc

    Posts: 12

    May 29, 2009 4:21 AM GMT
    I'm convinced jealous people are jealous for life, therefore I feel you cannot, truly, convince him that "you will not hurt him again". I've been so burned by jealous relationships in the past and vowed 'never again'. Love requires trust.

    Imagine if you will: you think the jealousy thing is behind you. You go to the beach together. He thinks you are checking someone out. He gets upset and you try in frustration to convince him you weren't. The whole thing is so dumb. The next time you go to the beach, you find yourself purposely averting your eyes from anything topless, especially if you feel like your bf will notice. Believe me, this gets very old after a while - it is demeaning and unfair. Don't be treated this way, and don't stand for false accusations.
    j

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    May 29, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidThere are 3 billion men on this planet, and you are 24 year old. Is he really your best bet? You guys struck out already, maybe time to expand your dating horizons. icon_confused.gif


    I agree...I have a problem with going back on things...hard to have progress in life if I'm constantly reverting back to bad habits, relationships, situations...I learn from all my past experiences and move on to better ones. EVERY TIME I thought I wouldn't find a dude as good as the last one I was with, a guy turns up that is better than the last in some form or fashion. And I'm well aware that the same applies to me in regards to my "ex" finding someone to replace me...

    No one person is "Irreplacable"

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    May 29, 2009 9:43 PM GMT
    First off I would like to thank each of you for your comments, advice, and two-cents. Collectively you have all helped me to look at my situation from different angles. I am especially thankful for the comments from Soulasphyxia, Styrgan, GuiltyGear, and MunchingZombie.

    I would now like to address some of the questions that have been posed and offer some clarity on the details. (Sorry I am not going to include quotes of the questions asked to say time)

    Coolarmydude: He does take his share of the blame. I am the one who used to think everything was solely his fault. It is only now that I have come to realize and admit my culpability regarding our problems.

    Meninlove: I say I have had a lot longer to think about this than he has because I have been able to prevent him from communicating with me during the break. I reinitiated contact after I had decided I was ready and wanted to get back with him. It is true he may have thought about it also but he lacked the means to act on any such feelings until I reestablished contact.

    Lysander: You are right, I have left out some info regarding my end. As I have said I kept my gay.com account and this account, however what I did not say is that I also continued to chat with guys on these sites (if they initiated the conversation). Basically I would let them flirt with me but of course I would not let it lead to anything. On one occasion one of the guys happened to be one of my ex’s old friends from Phoenix. My ex was already exhibiting jealousy at this point in the relationship and by the way this guy from Phoenix talked I thought to myself “Is this my boyfriend pretending to be someone else in an attempt to catch me doing something I shouldn’t”. I really thought it was my bf so I went with it and allowed the convo to go a little further than I would otherwise have done. Anyhow it turns out it was not my ex but in fact his friend (no my ex did not put his friend up to it). After my ex heard about our convo his jealousy grew exponentially (understandably so). I never did anything more than chat with these guys—which I now feel was still going too far but as I have said before I was struggling to let go of my previous single life.

    Calibro: I do not think it will happen again because the circumstances are much different than they were then and because when I graduate in December distance will no longer be an issue. I am not saying I do not think he will become jealous again but I do feel that if he does it will be a more acceptable level of jealousy. I will also make sure that I am not doing anything on my end to stoke or egg on his jealous or insecurities.

    MunchingZombie: Yes he has said he loves me several times, some even following the our conversation in which he told me his fears of getting hurt again. In fact we still talk everyday via text and facebook and we often make reference to our feelings for each other. He has also told me he has not slept since our conversation. I could go on but let us just say I can say confidently that he does love me.

    Jockbod48: Thanks for the advice. I have made a “Pro’s and Con’s” list and the pro’s far outweigh the cons. You are also right o warn about the dangers of “rose-colored” glasses; I am being careful to avoid viewing everything through and idealized vision.

    Ok, once again than you to each one of you for your input. Please continue to leave more comments and advice as it comes to you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    Okay, seems like you guys have a chance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2009 10:12 PM GMT
    You're so welcome! Any time.