The International Rules of Manhood

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    May 29, 2009 9:34 PM GMT
    If this is the straight man's playbook, do we do the opposite or should we write our own?icon_confused.gif

    *some rules need gender conversion.
    I.E. #5. Anyone want to propose a rule for dating your friend's brother?


    The International Rules of Manhood


    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Ever

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

    A) When a heroic dog dies to save its master .
    B) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    C) After wrecking your boss’ car.
    D) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
    E) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies (and not in that way we hear about in San Francisco)

    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you give her a Dutch Oven (trapping her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment), she’s officially your girlfriend and can actually be branded as such

    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

    12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

    14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. Really. Move along

    15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. And you shouldn’t have even been looking there in the first place.

    16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until
    they demonstrate knowledge of the game with particulars. this can include:

    A) Being able to recognize a play
    B) Recognizing a foul in the course of play and call it before the Ref does
    C) Knows a player’s stats going back at least five years; Knowledge of college career means she’s a keeper
    D) She’s able to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

    21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
    C) Another set and we can hit the showers!
    D) Looking great babe
    E) Feel the burn. Yeah, that’s it. Oooh yeah

    22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. If hte situation warrants, lie about some plausible thing you have to do then hang up if immediately.

    24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

    25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is never, EVER acceptable for her to drive yours.

    26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an X-box and all the power tools I’ve always wanted. End of story.

    28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    May 29, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    This is the immature, insecure male of the pig species, i hope.
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    May 29, 2009 11:18 PM GMT
    maxims_of_manhood.jpg

    Your dog must be larger than a toaster. Tip well. Never use the word "blossom." Outperform the GPS. Know how to chug a beer (and know that you shouldn't). Always hold the door. Never use emoticons.
    These are The Maxims of Manhood. They cover every aspect of life: women, sports, sex, the office, family, entertainment, fashion, fitness, and more women. Some of these you'd expect. Some you wouldn't, as they usher in a modern code of masculinity (Your favorite book may not be The Da Vinci Code). In a series of 100 essays, the rules are analyzed, explained, vigorously defended and openly mocked. Every rule has an authorized exception. Except the ones that don't.

    This book might not be for you. It's only intended for people who fall into one of these seven buckets: 1) you are a man; 2) you will become a man; 3) you were once a man; 4) you are related to a man; 5) you are dating or have married a man; 6) you think that in the future, perhaps, you will date or marry a man; 7) you know, or think that at some point you will know--whether casually or formally--a man.

    http://www.amazon.com/Maxims-Manhood-Rules-Every-Real/dp/1605506613/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1243638850&sr=8-1
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    May 29, 2009 11:23 PM GMT
    Caslon10901 said

    Your dog must be larger than a toaster.

    What about cats? (yeah, I already know that one)

    This book might not be for you. It's only intended for people who fall into one of these seven buckets: 1) you are a man; 2) you will become a man; 3) you were once a man; 4) you are related to a man; 5) you are dating or have married a man; 6) you think that in the future, perhaps, you will date or marry a man; 7) you know, or think that at some point you will know--whether casually or formally--a man.


    Dang.
    Even lesbians need that book.


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    May 29, 2009 11:28 PM GMT
    Maybe this should have been titled:

    The International Rulebook of Neanderthal, Knuckle dragging Manhood.

    I tried to see if there was anything even remotely close to something that could be in our book, but alas, only numbers 8 and 26 popped out. icon_redface.gif
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    May 29, 2009 11:43 PM GMT
    LOL, I love it.
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    May 30, 2009 2:02 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidLOL, I love it.
    Totally agree
    # 27 is genius

    This is a Judd Apatow (or so) -comedy writing itself. I can so see this on the movie-screen: a guy doing all these things and the audience cringes with every miss-step or rofltao.
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    May 30, 2009 5:09 AM GMT


    Hmmm, well OK

    Convert them to Rules for Gay Men?
    1: Under no circumstances may two men use an umbrella. Ever. There are toys for that.

    11: It is permissible to serve a fruity alcohol drink to any straight guy that visits - you have a reputation to uphold.

    16: Men who claim they “are bi curious” must be treated as spies until
    they demonstrate knowledge of gays with particulars. This can include:

    A) Being able to recognize a gay man
    B) Recognizing a bulge in the crotch of a gay man and mentioning it without blushing.
    C) Knows how to smack a man's glutes so they bounce in just that way.

    D) He's able to think.

    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better NOT be talking about his choice of beer.


    OK I'm not that clever....so come you guys!


    -Doug (Bill busy laughing)




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    May 30, 2009 5:15 AM GMT
    Beaux said...some rules need gender conversion.
    I.E. #5. Anyone want to propose a rule for dating your friend's brother?...


    icon_lol.gif I want to play to help translate the rules, but not until I finished laughing out loud with that! icon_lol.gif
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    May 30, 2009 10:51 AM GMT
    aurevoir said

    Besides, I think this only applies to heterosexual men since they are perennially insecure with their manhood and have more pressure on them to be macho.


    Not that I'm a smart ass, but....
    128854155532979343.jpg
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    May 30, 2009 10:59 AM GMT
    Who ever wrote this, it reminds me of Tucker Max. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell was funny, but it made me proud to not be a straight douche-bag like he is.
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    May 30, 2009 11:21 AM GMT
    jlly_rnchr said... but it made me proud to not be a straight douche-bag like he is.

    I thought about titling this "It sux to be a str8 man"....the constant pressure to be a thoughtless, skirt-chasing drone.
    (In contrast, we have the free-spirit tenets of tolerance, safe-sex, and if you're gonna stalk at least be attractive.)
    icon_wink.gif

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    May 30, 2009 11:32 AM GMT
    Yes, we gay men are far more enlightened thoughtless pant-chasing butt pirates. Yarrr.
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    May 30, 2009 12:08 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    Hmmm, well OK

    Convert them to Rules for Gay Men?
    1: Under no circumstances may two men use an umbrella. Ever. There are toys for that.

    11: It is permissible to serve a fruity alcohol drink to any straight guy that visits - you have a reputation to uphold.

    16: Men who claim they “are bi curious” must be treated as spies until
    they demonstrate knowledge of gays with particulars. This can include:

    A) Being able to recognize a gay man
    B) Recognizing a bulge in the crotch of a gay man and mentioning it without blushing.
    C) Knows how to smack a man's glutes so they bounce in just that way.

    D) He's able to think.

    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better NOT be talking about his choice of beer.


    OK I'm not that clever....so come you guys!


    -Doug (Bill busy laughing)






    Well those seem quite good, so you must be clever enough
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    May 30, 2009 2:00 PM GMT



    Ghen, you gave me a flashback to grade 9! I could hear that teacher saying those words! LOL

    I'm really not that clever with these (and there are a lot of them!) because as you'll notice I picked the easy ones.

    .....is it recess yet? lol

    -Doug
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    May 30, 2009 4:52 PM GMT
    Not. Even. Remotely. Funny.

    Thank. God. I. Am. Gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    It's easy. If you see a book that tells you how to be a man, throw it in the trash!

    A real man doesn't have to learn to be a man from a book!