Open relationships and blanket statements

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2009 7:40 AM GMT
    Spinning this off from the "If your bf barebacked another guy" thread, since I think it might otherwise hijack that one.

    I have no desire to discuss the pros and cons of open relationships here. It's as simple as to each his own, and you need to find an honest partner who shares your view in this. I only have one point to make. And apologies if this is so similar to soulasphyxia's "personal tolerance" thread, but I'm really hoping this turns out to be more about miscommunication and the concept of absolutes than tolerance.

    I haven't been active in these forums very long, and I'm sure this has come up before, and probably in flames, but why would any one person think they have the answer for everyone? Or, giving the benefit of the doubt, why do they express themselves so as to give that impression, if they don't believe they have the one and only answer?

    Jockbod48 saidOpen relationships are a bad situation. Why bother having a relationship? Why not just stay single?


    Because of the different strokes thing. And because there's so incredibly much more to a relationship than just sex. Dishonesty is a bad situation, as is not realizing that open is not what you want when you accept the terms. But in and of itself, openness is just another choice.

    Jockbod48 said
    I'd never agree to be in an open relationship.........no good comes of those.


    What a delightful thing to hear, I'll have to tell my open partner of 20 years that nothing good has come of it.

    fildelight saidI personally think (and please dont take this the wrong way) that open relationships are not effective.


    I personally know they can be. Did I mention 20 years? So what's the right way for me to take that? So please don't take this the wrong way, but you're completely wrong. Try saying "sometimes" not effective. Or even "often" if you feel you have cause to. But blanket statements generally lead to being incorrect. Which is why there are words like "generally". icon_biggrin.gif

    Along those lines, re: open relationships, I will certainly say that I realize that, and I can't possibly stress this enough, THEY ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE. I'm not so foolish as to tell everyone that they should try it. However this idea that they are for NOBODY is just as mind-bogglingly ridiculous. I've never told anyone that monogamy doesn't work, even though I don't want it for myself.

    Doesn't anyone see this is the same thing as straights thinking we should not marry, or even have sex, just because they're not attracted to the same sex, so they don't understand it? They feel an instinctive "wrong". Which would be fine if they'd realize that only means it's wrong for themselves.

    If this is not what you mean to say, throw in a quantifier. Otherwise your words are calling us for whom it is working either fools or liars.
  • Delivis

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    Jun 02, 2009 7:49 AM GMT
    All that matters is understanding and consent. Open relationships are not for me. If they are for you, great, find someone with whom you can make it work who shares your views. Hopefully everyone will do the same and not be so quick to assume there is no one on the planet for whom a particular kind of relationship would never work.
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    Jun 02, 2009 3:37 PM GMT
    At the root of this is the gay community copying or trying to copy or trying to fit into a standard heterosexual style relationship as if that is the morally superior, stable thing to do. Gay men and gay women really need to stop copying "marriage" and hold themselves to a new gay standard of ethical conduct.
  • Timbales

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    Jun 02, 2009 3:43 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidAt the root of this is the gay community copying or trying to copy or trying to fit into a standard heterosexual style relationship as if that is the morally superior, stable thing to do. Gay men and gay women really need to stop copying "marriage" and hold themselves to a new gay standard of ethical conduct.


    Just playing devil's advocate, but what is the difference between holding yourself to a gay standard vs. a straight standard?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    To each it's own! No one should state what's right or wrong for anyone else!!!
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    Jun 02, 2009 3:57 PM GMT



    Lysander, this is very very well worded an we think so true...

    "Because of the different strokes thing. And because there's so incredibly much more to a relationship than just sex. Dishonesty is a bad situation, as is not realizing that open is not what you want when you accept the terms. But in and of itself, openness is just another choice."


    This monogamous couple agrees!

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    Jun 02, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    Anything is possible when communication flows freely.
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    Jun 02, 2009 4:11 PM GMT
    I think, in some ways, and open relationship has to be stronger than a monogamous one, because you have to have more trust and faith in your partner.

    What I wanna know is do you wear a condom with your partner if you are in an open relationship? I mean, I know its all based on trust...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
    That was a great topic to bring up. Statements that bare such burden as to be easily misconstrued as "for everyone" typically are not. It's a very brave thing to say, "Open relationships are not good for anyone."

    That's a very, very large statement, honestly, because that infers that no matter who has an open relationship it will end horribly, which just isn't true by your testament to the matter at hand. Statements like, "Personally, I haven't found open relationships to work for anyone around me." That's a totally different statement because it clearly denotes that the fact is subjected to experience. A statement such as, "Personally, I haven't found open relationships to work well." That's an opinion that is clearly marking opinion and experience, as well.


    ugh. I don't know. What I DO know is that I try to stay away from remarks that make me speak for an entire population.
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    Jun 02, 2009 4:48 PM GMT
    I blame a culture that has become so lazy that gray areas and nuance are seen as inconveniences.

    Too bad, because it also means a culture with an alarmingly high level of douchebags.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Jun 02, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    RuggerATX saidI blame a culture that has become so lazy that gray areas and nuance are seen as inconveniences.

    Too bad, because it also means a culture with a alarmingly high level of douchebags.


    icon_lol.gif
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 02, 2009 6:04 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidAt the root of this is the gay community copying or trying to copy or trying to fit into a standard heterosexual style relationship as if that is the morally superior, stable thing to do. Gay men and gay women really need to stop copying "marriage" and hold themselves to a new gay standard of ethical conduct.


    Nonsense. There are no (or at least should not be) "gay standards" or "straight standards" anymore than there should be black standards and white standards.
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    Jun 02, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    Really...why worry about it? There are people who are to the extreme on both sides of the issue on here, and both sides are capable of throwing out flames. They will continue to do so because in their minds, their way is the only way. I know an open relationship would not work for me. I am single, but I do not run around looking for random sexual partners. I choose substance over immediate gratification, and though I'm not a saint I haven't been sexually active in quite some time, not really seeing anything in the offing either. I hold nothing against people who do seek different sexual partners on a regular basis, yet I find it funny that my choice makes me a "prude" "naive" or "too idealistic." I'm not running around calling people morally depraved sluts so why someone would call out these words with negative connotations in my direction is beyond me (I'm just talking about guys in general, I haven't been attacked on here to my knowledge on the issue).

    Your open relationship would not be a threat to my monogamous relationship (if I had one). Unfortunately, not everyone looks at things that way; and if they do view your way of doing things as threatening, they will lash out.

    For me, I will not date someone who feels that they need to be in an open relationship because I wouldn't use the privilege and I would probably feel horrible everytime the other guy did. Relationships are about compromise, and unfortunately monogamy is a non-compromisable must for me, and sexual freedom is a non-compromisable must for others. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong, it just is what it is. There are a variety of things that can make people incompatible.

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    Jun 02, 2009 8:41 PM GMT
    Lysander, you rock!!!icon_razz.gificon_razz.gif totally agree
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    Jun 02, 2009 10:02 PM GMT

    They are speaking in general terms and generally speaking, open relationships are a crock. I tend to restrict myself from making general statements because I know it doesn't cover everyone. In an online conversation it is not the worst thing a person can do so why are you getting so worked up about it?

    Personally, and this is what JockBod 48 could have applied to his statement....personally, I think a person bragging about an open relationship that lasted 20 years is delusional. I guess it's because of my particular opinion about what a relationship is. To me, if it's not exclusive, it doesn't mean much.

    Any good rooming situation could last as long given both room mates were respectful, considerate, commited, and not too exploitive of their individual conquests. What you'll find is many open relationshipters will downgrade monogomy first and maybe some here try to deter that by beating them to the punch. Not tactful, but I never said they were.



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    Jun 02, 2009 11:41 PM GMT
    To me (in my own person opinion and what I have seen), open relationships seem to be a justified form of cheating. If my partner knows about it then I'm not doing anything wrong.. or, this gives one another permission to be unfaithful in the relationship coupled with commitment issues that are not being dealt with. It's just what it seems like to me but then again I am waaaay too territorial (ie:jealous) to have an open relationship. The thought of anyone else having that same sort of special intimacy with my partner wrecks the whole meaning of having that type of intimate relationship. So, in my mind, just be single and have your "best friend" who you sleep with but are not committed to. Again.. just my own view on it.. no offence to anyone. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 03, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    EDMGUY27 saidTo me (in my own person opinion and what I have seen), open relationships seem to be a justified form of cheating. If my partner knows about it then I'm not doing anything wrong.. or, this gives one another permission to be unfaithful in the relationship coupled with commitment issues that are not being dealt with. It's just what it seems like to me but then again I am waaaay too territorial (ie:jealous) to have an open relationship. The thought of anyone else having that same sort of special intimacy with my partner wrecks the whole meaning of having that type of intimate relationship. So, in my mind, just be single and have your "best friend" who you sleep with but are not committed to. Again.. just my own view on it.. no offence to anyone. icon_wink.gif


    it only seems so if you view sex as more than just the ejection of body fluids. when you don't view the sexual act as inherently intimate and you deaden yourself to feelings to some degree then it becomes easily possible to have "open relationships" and hook ups.

    But to each his own

  • styrgan

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    Jun 03, 2009 12:07 AM GMT
    :::yawns::::
  • styrgan

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    Jun 03, 2009 12:11 AM GMT
    EDMGUY27 said So, in my mind, just be single and have your "best friend" who you sleep with but are not committed to. icon_wink.gif


    That's not equivalent to an open relationship.

    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 03, 2009 12:19 AM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    They are speaking in general terms and generally speaking, open relationships are a crock. I tend to restrict myself from making general statements because I know it doesn't cover everyone. In an online conversation it is not the worst thing a person can do so why are you getting so worked up about it?

    Personally, and this is what JockBod 48 could have applied to his statement....personally, I think a person bragging about an open relationship that lasted 20 years is delusional. I guess it's because of my particular opinion about what a relationship is. To me, if it's not exclusive, it doesn't mean much.

    Any good rooming situation could last as long given both room mates were respectful, considerate, commited, and not too exploitive of their individual conquests. What you'll find is many open relationshipters will downgrade monogomy first and maybe some here try to deter that by beating them to the punch. Not tactful, but I never said they were.



    true!
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    Jun 03, 2009 12:30 AM GMT
    styrgan said
    EDMGUY27 said So, in my mind, just be single and have your "best friend" who you sleep with but are not committed to. icon_wink.gif


    That's not equivalent to an open relationship.

    icon_rolleyes.gif


    **Yawns** It is to me bro.
  • styrgan

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    Jun 03, 2009 12:31 AM GMT
    EDMGUY27 said
    styrgan said
    EDMGUY27 said So, in my mind, just be single and have your "best friend" who you sleep with but are not committed to. icon_wink.gif


    That's not equivalent to an open relationship.

    icon_rolleyes.gif


    **Yawns** It is to me bro.


    Then you're guilty of far more than being narrow-minded like the rest of us.
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    Jun 03, 2009 12:33 AM GMT
    Blackguy4you said

    it only seems so if you view sex as more than just the ejection of body fluids. when you don't view the sexual act as inherently intimate and you deaden yourself to feelings to some degree then it becomes easily possible to have "open relationships" and hook ups.

    But to each his own



    I agree completely... Key words "deaden yourself to feelings" hence commitment issues. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2009 12:35 AM GMT
    styrgan said

    Then you're guilty of far more than being narrow-minded like the rest of us.


    And out comes the insults.. didn't take long I see. icon_confused.gif
  • styrgan

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    Jun 03, 2009 12:37 AM GMT
    EDMGUY27 said
    styrgan said

    Then you're guilty of far more than being narrow-minded like the rest of us.


    And out comes the insults.. didn't take long I see. icon_confused.gif


    I'm trying to up my post count so I can begin my summer break from RJ.

    Don't take it personally.