Finding Him

  • SDSportRyder

    Posts: 9

    Nov 14, 2007 2:32 PM GMT
    Deep in my heart, I know that I would like to have a relationship with "the man of my dreams"...whoever or where ever he may be. I know who I am, and the direction in life that I am headed, but naturally, I don’t want to go alone. And I know the type of man I desire (with some room for uniqueness).

    But where (or when) to find him…where (or when) do our paths cross…???

    Being that I am in medical school, I can’t relocate geographically, nor do I have much free time. Further, I am not a bar/club person (an I am certain that I would not find the quality of man I would like to be with at a bar late at night). I don’t care for the “on-line” dating; too much time is consumed in weeding out the trash. I have met others through friends and social settings…but still nothing has come remotely close to my heart’s desire.

    Any suggestions guys?
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Nov 14, 2007 3:08 PM GMT
    Intensus

    Firstly stop talking about the 'man of my dreams' and start to be realistic. Dating isn't a fantasy and takes work and compromise.

    Secondly stop thinking that just because someone goes to a bar for a drink that they're maybe below you. Lots of great guys have met great guys in this sort of environment.

    Thirdly, there's no reason you couldn't meet a great guy online. Joining a dating site, rather than a hook-up site would work. Dating on-line takes a little work sometimes, but you're not going to find a decent guy without some effort.

    Lastly. Maybe you should wait til you've finished med school to look for a relationship. As you said, you haven't much time. And from my experience, the thing a new relationship needs to develop is time.

    Good luck

    Lozx



  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Nov 14, 2007 8:59 PM GMT
    Most of us single gay men have a same wish as you. FINDING HIM. I wish I know the answer. I love to meet one person to spend all my life with. The person that make me disregard the others. That I can share my future, problem and everything else together. I thought I found him when I meet my ex bf Joe. We are together for two years, but he leave me for other men.


    Good luck to you.
    zak
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    Nov 14, 2007 8:59 PM GMT
    Move on. Get a life.
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    Nov 14, 2007 9:10 PM GMT
    I don't know the answer...I let the love of my life get away from me seven years ago. We'd been together seven years, and there were some (probably solvable) issues, but we broke up, and I've regretted it every day since then. He's moved on, and has had a new boyfriend for over five years now. I also had a subsequent relationship, but that one failed too, I think because the guy never measured up to the boyfriend I let get away.

    Sigh. Sorry to sound so pathetic. icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 14, 2007 9:48 PM GMT
    please don't take it the wrong way but I agree with chuckystud...

    I have heard your question a million time (in this site only!).....be careful what you ask for! relationships are not easy as they seem, if not look around you how many people have been successful with them!

    jprichva....we need to enjoy what we have while we have it, nothing is permanet...not even my hot body! LOL! Everything will end one day...including you being single! so good lord! enjoy it....
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    Nov 14, 2007 9:53 PM GMT
    And yes...good people also go to bars! as far as I know 99% of the people I know go to bars must of them have nice careers, goals, relationships etc…not everyone that enjoy a good glass of wine is a looser alcoholic….I honestly think it is one of the best places to meet people and become a good judge of characters….don’t make it the center of your life but experience it once in a while and learn who to chill and have fun! Now , I need a beer!
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Nov 14, 2007 9:55 PM GMT
    From... "The Tao of Pooh"

    To know the Way,
    We go the Way;
    We do the Way
    The way we do
    The things we do.
    It's all there in front of you,
    But if you try too hard to see it,
    You'll only become Confused.

    I am me,
    And you are you,
    As you can see;
    But when you do
    The things that you can do,
    You will find the Way,
    And the Way will follow you.


    How I interpret this...stop looking...be the best person you can be with the time you have...and the person will find their path crossing with yours...

    Stop looking...trust in yourself, your actions, and that the universe will provide you with that special person when the timing is right...

    - David
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    Nov 15, 2007 12:07 AM GMT
    This might help:

    http://ezinearticles.com/?Seven-Keys-to-Meeting-and-Marrying-Mr.-Right&id=238767

    Seven Keys to Meeting and Marrying Mr. Right

    Meet your need for approval. You don’t need to look to anyone else for approval if you always have your own self-approval. As children we want the approval of our parents, but parents often withhold approval as a means of controlling children. This can translate into dating men who don’t approve of you, so you can recreate, via the man in your life, your childhood story to win the approval of a parent. See the need for parental approval for what it is and abandon it. If you approve of yourself just as you are, you won’t be drawn to men who tap into your need for approval and use it to control you.

    Meet your need to be loved. If you truly love yourself, you won’t be a slave to your emotions; instead, you’ll easily reject men who treat you in less than loving, caring ways. You’ll set a boundary that screens Mr. Right in and Mr. Wrong out. Start loving yourself by getting in touch with the child within you, and loving him the way you would a real child. If you truly love a child, you won’t want to see that child hurt, abused, mistreated or deceived. Similarly, when you love yourself, you won’t stand for hurtful, abusive treatment.

    Meet your need to value yourself. Don’t be so eager for love that you give yourself away. When you value what you have to offer in a relationship, you won’t be afraid to quickly screen out Mr. Wrongs. When you value who you are, you hold fast to your standards, no matter how tempting he appears to be or how badly you feel drawn to him. You’ll value yourself enough to not settle for less than what you want or need.

    Meet your need for emotional support. Find people who mirror a positive self-image back to you. If you don't have a supportive family or friends, find new sources of support. For instance, keep looking until you find a house of worship that practices unconditional love and acceptance. Build a circle of friends around a common interest who edify you (and eliminate those who don't), or join a support group to help meet a particular need. Notice those occasions when you enter a room, for example, an exercise class, and find that the women there are happy to have you join them. Emotional support provides a healing form of validation that can keep you from pouncing on a Mr. Wrong.

    Meet your need to feel secure. You’ll be free from the bondage of clinging to Mr. Wrong because you’ll feel whole enough to stand on your own. Feeling secure requires believing in yourself – that you’re a worthwhile, valuable man with much to offer Mr. Right. Feeling secure means that you trust yourself enough to protect yourself from getting hurt. Feeling secure empowers you to control the pace of the courtship because you trust yourself enough to do so.

    Meet your need to matter. Don’t give up your interests – or your self. For instance, if you’ve ever dropped your friends the minute you started dating a new guy, you’ve given up those important friendships for someone too new to have proven himself more important to you than your friends. You’ve placed the life you have second to your budding romance, which shows that you don’t matter to yourself. You may think your lifestyle or social life isn’t much, but it is yours. Don't trade it all in for his, because if a relationship with him doesn’t pan out, you’ll be devastated.

    Meet your need to have a life. Mr. Right isn’t attracted to a man who wants to use his full life to fill her empty one. Building on what you've got. Join clubs, take lessons, volunteer, try new hobbies. The more you focus on getting your own life, the less you’ll want to violate his boundaries by over-involvement in his life. Whenever you feel the urge to “fix” or “help” your new suitor so he can fulfill his potential or straighten out the problems in his life (whether he wants your help or not), turn that energy inward and use it to fill your own needs and reach your own goals. Steer clear of violating his boundary to be himself.

    Before you give your heart and emotions to a man, be sure he’s worthy of you. Make sure your needs are met before you allow your feelings to grow. We all want to feel as if we matter to someone, as if we’re important to someone we love. If you want to attract a husband who considers you the most important person in his life, the person who matters most to him, then act as if you matter to yourself. Don’t fall for a new man without even knowing if you matter to him or not. Being No. 1 empowers you to wait to see if he treats you as if he cares about you – and if he’s meeting your needs – before you allow your feelings to grow. You’ll be in control of the pace of the courtship, as you should be, because what happens to you does matter.
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    Nov 15, 2007 4:14 AM GMT
    You have to give yourself allowances to do and feel unfamiliar things. Love is about discovering things outside yourself. Once you allow a person to teach you their natural realm you might find your self in love.
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    Nov 15, 2007 7:34 AM GMT
    It is really hard,maybe not for some of you. I swear i have to keep telling myself that im fat and ugly and thats the reason why i dont have a relationship. Then again it is'nt true, right????? lol but seriously im also A black male, well mixed but still none the less black and its like im not found to be anyones type because of my color but i guess that awhole different topic and show altogether....icon_confused.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Nov 15, 2007 11:59 AM GMT
    Be careful about falling in love with the need to fall in love...
    it can paint an unrealistic image sometimes
    What you should do...

    Live your life
    You said you were in medical school? Mazel Tov
    work hard get your degree
    and have fun when you can
    make yourself somewhat available and see who comes along
    an attractive man Inside and out will make men notice
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    Nov 15, 2007 2:05 PM GMT
    hmmmn, you can't relocate, you don't have much free time, you don't like clubs or bars, you don't like the internet. is there anything you do like?


    'where (or when) do our paths cross…???' well i just looked into my crystal balls and he'll be knocking at your door at 3.36 on 01.04.08. ok?

    that'll be $200 please. i accept amex.
  • SDSportRyder

    Posts: 9

    Nov 15, 2007 3:13 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for all your imput. I am settled in the idea of continuing with my studies and profession, and keep one eye open. Thanks again.
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    Nov 16, 2007 7:26 AM GMT
    I think you should go back to reading Mills and Boone.icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Nov 16, 2007 10:05 AM GMT
    ha ha ha ha
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    Nov 20, 2007 8:17 PM GMT
    yes ha ha haicon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gif
  • scruffguy_atx

    Posts: 3

    Nov 21, 2007 10:04 PM GMT
    I find myself in agreement with dfrourke and onixotto:
    You have far more control over *being* the right person than *finding* the right person.
    Though it's tempting to feel like you're somehow falling behind if you don't have someone special in your life -- I suspect a lot of us feel that way at one time or another -- focusing too much on the relationship you don't have robs you of the investments you could be making in yourself that would ultimately make you better equipped for a relationship when the opportunity presents itself.
    Also, you run the risk of only seeing other people as "applicants" or "candidates" for the role you wish them to play... rather than being free to appreciate them on their own terms and allowing yourself to be surprised by love as it bowls you over when you least expect it.
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    Dec 05, 2007 4:59 AM GMT
    Oh that’s so sweet! I hope the best for you man. From what I’ve heard on-line hook-ups and the bar scenes will rarely be the spots where you’ll meet your spouse (I mean yeah, I’m sure there are exceptions, hints the use of “rarely”).

    I’ve never really been in the whole gay bar scene or done the on line dating thing but I’ve found that just by being active in your community, meeting a wide variety of people and even unintentionally networking through them works pretty well in finding that quality guy.

    Okay, I’m only in college and I’m not even thinking about marrying until after grad school but I would think that the type of people you keep in your social network will more or less determine what type of guys you will meet. I guess that’s something to keep in mind, idk, but if you find out what works let us know!
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    Jan 03, 2008 6:07 AM GMT
    don't look for a relationship thats when it fails,

    the guy i have been dating recently, and we see each other pretty much all the time, we get along great, and have had great days where we sit around for 13 hours watching queer as folk icon_smile.gif

    met him online, and we met on terms of friends i didnt even think when i met him as dating him and now i couldnt be happier icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 03, 2008 6:50 AM GMT
    i have the exact same problem. grrrr
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    Jan 03, 2008 1:50 PM GMT
    Damn Intensus well my hot dream guy is a muscley dude with a hot bike between his legs, but there are none of them local to me, and I got into the real world as yuo point out I find net dating only allows people to portray the aspects of their character they like and then emphasise them.

    But you'll find that one when you least expect it, but not if you lock yourself away, finding love takes time and takes mixing. You say you havent found Mr Right but he could be sitting in that bar waiting for you having sat at home alone for years, or been working non stop. As with all things in life you have to speculate to accumulate and cant expect it be delivered to your doorstep. I know yuo are own venting your frustration in that regard, but widen your social circle or where you go and you may stand a chance of finding him
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    Jan 29, 2008 12:15 AM GMT
    My Wish - Rascal Flatts

    My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
    Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
    You never need to carry more than you can hold,
    And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
    I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
    Yeah, this, is my wish.

  • Jan 29, 2008 7:25 PM GMT
    Alrighty then .
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    Jan 29, 2008 11:07 PM GMT
    The trick is just to meet people and be open to possibilities.

    That's extremely oversimplified but social networking sites are a good place to start.