What defines a good couple?

  • RogerW19

    Posts: 37

    Jun 07, 2009 7:54 PM GMT
    The guy that I have been dating for the past five months is a musical theatre major. When we are in school I maybe see him two hours a day and we only stay the night together three times a week... This summer he took an internship in another state and I am not able to go visit him. We exchange a few texts through the day and every other day we talk on the phone. I kinda feel like we aren't talking as much as we should be but its not really bothering me that bad.

    I talked to one of my friends about this...he was surprised when I told him we didn't talk every day. Since he has said that I have felt like maybe he is right we should talk more often and that he may not really care about me that much since he doesn't care enough to try and talk to me every night.

    I know with theatre it requires a lot of time and my roommate has made the comment that we aren't like a real couple because at some theatre events we don't always sit together but after the show we talk. So my question is do we seem like a real couple and does hanging out all the time make a couple more of a couple?

    I have been going over this in my head all week and I'm starting to get stressed about it. Please give me some advice cause this is my first long term relationship and I wanna get it right cause I really love this guy.Yeah we already use the "L" word which is another thing people find wierd!!!
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    Jun 07, 2009 9:15 PM GMT
    Each relationship is different.

    If it works for you, then don't stress.
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    Jun 07, 2009 9:17 PM GMT
    yeah, what is a good couple anyway...if your both happy and it works then theres no issue
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    Jun 07, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    mutual understanding, mutual desire to help one another. respect for each other.
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    Jun 07, 2009 9:40 PM GMT
    A good couple is many things, above all what works for them. I imagine it this way:

    - seeing him like your own reflection in a mirror, comfortable and expected
    - finishing each other sentences
    - feeling empty when he's not around
    - anticipating each other's needs before they're spoken
    - solving his problems for him when he can't, and he yours
    - never typing or reading anything online that the other can't see over the shoulder
    - completely nonchalant when naked together
    - more worried about him than yourself when something goes wrong
    - asking before you act
    - able to work together on most projects as a team
    - not being concerned when he goes out to functions alone
    - agreeing how to do the Christmas tree, or other holiday decorations
    - good sex
    - able to shop together for groceries
    - sharing many of the same friends
    - no arguments over who gets to drive the car
    - not asking him if he thinks you're both compatible
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:11 PM GMT
    You don't have to be together 24/7, or even in the same state, to be a couple if you each are thinking of what will make the other happy. My partnert and I lived apart for the first eleven years, saw each other 5 nights a week, and did not talk on the phone very much at all. The main thing in being a couple is that you love one another.
    RedVespa summed it up pretty well. I would only add to that that couples need some alone time too, that being in love means you don't stop having interests of your own.
    Best of luck to you both!
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:24 PM GMT
    The couple
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:32 PM GMT
    I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now and in that time, he's taken off a few times to do medicine abroad. A couple of those times, it was pretty difficult for us to always talk (time zone differences, 3rd world telecomms, etc.). It was tough but even though our opportunities to talk were infrequent, we made them count when we did.

    My questions would be, are you thinking about him each day? When you do talk, is it a highlight of your day?

    As for not 'looking' like a couple, that one cracks me up. When we go to parties, we almost immediately split up and find other people to talk to. I'm going to be leaving with him so it doubles our chances of getting good gossip and stories to share later! And in the end, I know all I have to do is look across the room at him and give him a look and he'll know exactly what I'm thinking.

    So like Strat said, if it's working for you, don't mess with it. A relationship need not be codependent to be serious.

    Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
    ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:37 PM GMT
    Um ...Fighting, yelling and swearing.
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:57 PM GMT
    Stop stressing! Everyone’s relationship is different. You and your boyfriend are the only two who know what’s right for you. The way you and your boyfriend feel about your relationship is all that matters. Don’t let your other friends judge your relationship from the outside and make you start questioning yourself or your boyfriend.

    If you are worried about how things are between you and your boyfriend, you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. He may very well have the exact same worries. Call him. Talk to him, share with him what you’re thinking and feeling.

    My partner and I have been together 8 years and although we live together, we don’t live in each others pockets. Of course we have friends and activities that we share, but we also have separate friends and separate interests.

    If I were to make a list, I would say that our relationship works because we communicate well, trust each other, respect each other, and not only love each other, but we really like and enjoy each others company.
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    Jun 07, 2009 11:30 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle said
    Red_Vespa saidA good couple is many things, above all what works for them. I imagine it this way:


    - feeling empty when he's not around


    I respectfully disagree with some of these statements. What you've expressed is about absorbing yourself into another person and losing your own identity. That's a big NO NO for me. To believe I should feel empty when my partner isn't around is a big codependency issue and raises a big red flag for me.

    That's not what I believe in and if my partner felt this way I would be looking for the nearest exit to make my swift and expedient escape.


    Now I have to take a sideview of the empty feeling. I have been with my husband for 12 years and have only had to endure 1 week apart at a time. Unfortunately, in July he will be gone to visit his father for 3 weeks and I am totally dreading it.

    I wouldn't say that I am "empty" without him but a bit out of sorts. I am use to him being around and the little "couple" things we do and I miss it. That, and my human footwarmer/ your F'n Late- alarm clock.
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    Jun 07, 2009 11:39 PM GMT
    I personally dont think anyone out the outside can define a couple as a good couple...though they can define a bad couple. I think for a good couple it is the two (or more) people who are involved in the relationship.

    For me, it is that my husband loves me for all my warts and short commings and I love him for his. It is the shared life we are building, the calls during the day, im's, txt, the I love you in the morning and evening. The sharing of stuff that only the two of us know or get.
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    Jun 07, 2009 11:49 PM GMT
    sfinboston said

    For me, it is that my husband loves me for all my warts and short commings and I love him for his. It is the shared life we are building, the calls during the day, im's, txt, the I love you in the morning and evening. The sharing of stuff that only the two of us know or get.


    AMEN!
    ok, posted it before but it applies to question (I think).

  • gr8hands4you

    Posts: 117

    Jun 07, 2009 11:55 PM GMT
    ! ! R E S P E C T ! !
  • rvdredrocks

    Posts: 31

    Jun 08, 2009 12:32 AM GMT
    COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO ANY GOOD RELATIONSHIP. If you are feeling this way, you need to talk with him about it. [quote][cite]QUOTE
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    Jun 08, 2009 5:15 AM GMT


    Hey RogerW19, some great couples spend more than 70% of their time apart, some 10%.
    What makes them good couples is the happiness they share and that they each carry it with them. So...are you happy with they way things are? Is he happy with the way things are? If so, 1+1=a definite 2some. lol


    (If not, speak to each other directly about it, and don't put it off)


    -us guys



  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 08, 2009 12:48 PM GMT
    I agree with some of the things that Red had said but it can be simplified
    to enjoyinh each other's company in and out of bed
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    Jun 08, 2009 1:45 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle said
    Red_Vespa saidA good couple is many things, above all what works for them. I imagine it this way:

    - seeing him like your own reflection in a mirror, comfortable and expected

    - feeling empty when he's not around

    I respectfully disagree with some of these statements. What you've expressed is about absorbing yourself into another person and losing your own identity. That's a big NO NO for me. To believe I should feel empty when my partner isn't around is a big codependency issue and raises a big red flag for me.

    Well, I don't think anyone who knows us would say either lacks his own identity, just the opposite. And codependency is a specific psychological term that has become a bit overused and misunderstood. It does not mean when 2 people simply depend upon each other, but defines a specific unhealthy interrelational dynamic of enabling and other damaging behavior.

    I see my partner & me as a team, where the whole is stronger than the parts. Together we cover more bases, can get more accomplished, and are more successful, than either of us would be on our own. It's that blending of our talents, skills & interests that makes us so well suited, like 2 different metals combined to form a stronger alloy.

    Added to that is the magic of love, that wants us to be in each other's company, spending time together. I don't think that meets the definition of codependency. If it does, then every happy couple in the world is codependent.

    And having much less than that would describe a couple who are merely roommates and fuck buddies. Which is a perfectly fine arrangement if that's what you want, but to me that's not a true couple, not partners, not husbands in places where marriage is legal. It's gotta be something more than living under the same roof and having sex.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jun 08, 2009 4:27 PM GMT
    One that is compatible, gets along well with, feels effortless, no drama, happy, rarely fight and Passionate!!

    That's my deal, but don't look to others for approval in your relationship. Are you happy??icon_idea.gificon_idea.gif
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    Jun 08, 2009 4:46 PM GMT
    I like Dan Savage's definition of having a "partner in crime". I can tell that I'm looking for someone devious for my next relationship that I can plan stuff with. icon_twisted.gif
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    Jun 08, 2009 4:47 PM GMT
    The couple is the one who defines it, no one else! It's THEIR relationship!
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    Jun 08, 2009 5:26 PM GMT
    Not the best couples sound like this,

    "I'll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. If you don't, I won't either. But I want to, so you have to. I'll go first and then you'll be obligated to disclose--it's only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!"

    Good couples say things like this to express "I love you"

    "I don't expect you to agree with me; you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me--and you can't really do that if you don't know me. I don't want your rejection--but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me."

    David Schnarch - Passionate Marriage (p. 107)
  • RogerW19

    Posts: 37

    Jun 08, 2009 9:14 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for the advice...

    Yes I'm definitely happy with him! I guess I need to realize I have to make my own evaluation of my relationship. I mean we are both young and learning but I'm glad to say I get to learn this with him. This is the first time we have been apart for more than a day, so I guess I got nervous and felt left behind. Then I fell into everyone's "wise words" and got caught up in craziness. I love leaving these things for you guys cause you always make me feel better by the next day lol.

    Once again thanks for the advice and keep helping people out with you wisdom and as I gain some I hope to do the same...