Getting back on the horse again? Are you kidding?!

  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 07, 2009 8:30 PM GMT
    Okay. I've been in a relationship with a guy a year. He calls it quits because he feels the need to bone random men... He says it's an urge. Why can't men be monogamous? Now I thought it was my fault until I went to counseling. See this is the third time a guy wants or has cheated and threw it in my face. Yes... I know I'm 22, but hells... I'd rather be with the person I'm dating and spend life with them, but... If they need someone else to accomplish that, that isn't a relationship. Hells... It's dangerous if he's wanting to bone random men, if they have an STD and he passes it to me... I'm screwed. I've been diagnosed with MRSA, that's bad enough. He says it's because he's a furry and furries are sluts... And jokes all the time about it. icon_evil.gif

    I'm beginning to lose hope that someone out there will be... How should I say decent enough to at least want to be with me. I'm not THAT hard to please, but in retrospect I'm not that easy either.icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think I've found a pattern... All the good men are either straight, taken, or they just have urges to bone other men, but they still 'love' only you. u.u
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    If you're dating your own age then expect these things to happen fairly often. So as for a pattern, I'd say it's more about age & hormones, and possibly where you live, than about you personally.

    Furries has nothing to do with his behavior, just a way for him to deflect criticism & guilt. Regarding who the "good" men are, consult with a straight woman. Many will tell you they're all gay.

    Finding a gay man is like fishing. You get 50 nibbles before you get a bite, and 50 bites before you hook one. And then even after you reel it in, you may not have a keeper after all. In both fishing & gay relationships, the secret is patience & persistence. If you give up and go home, you'll never catch anything.
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 07, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    See that's the thing though... This last guy I have to bend over backwards for just about everything, yet when I want a romantic evening and I plan it out... He ditches me and goes out and parties. I never fish for men. I let them come to me, being as my line of work... Is too hectic. Even when I'm not at work, I'm working. Even here in Missouri for a visit... I'm working, so I just let them come to me. And then most of the time I choose not to pursue them unless like the guy I'm separated from was... He was consistent until I allowed him in. Most people that work in the line of work I do, we have to keep these walls up... Even from love interests most of the time just to protect ourselves from something like this.

    And an update... He calls, wants to be with me and all this stuff, but I need a better paying job because he can't support us both... Yet through this job I was paying both of our rent and his o/d charges when he couldn't manage money. *Head.... Desk*
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 07, 2009 10:12 PM GMT
    You're too young to be supporting another person and too young to be jaded about how all men just want to have sex. I'm sure the process progresses until... well.. 90 in some men's cases, but that doesn't mean a lot of them don't change. At 22, I understand why someone would want to not be committed long term (though not through cheating). You can't fault someone for wanting that just as they can't fault you for you wanting something else. There are plenty of men out there you can find who believe like you do, you just need to find them
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 07, 2009 10:28 PM GMT
    I agree, the thing is... If they're not ready and they're not going to be honest and drag things out like this guy has been, I'd rather tell him to accept my best wishes and move on... Thing is... He keeps coming back and saying he's changed and I'm not buying it anymore. I mean if he wants someone else... He can have someone else, I just don't want to be in a relationship that revolves around him having to bone other men randomly and me not have anything as well. I gave up my altar in my house, work a full time job just because he asks me to. Hells. Even got therapy when he said I had grudge issues.

    But reality is sometimes stranger than fiction. When I came down with MRSA he changed... And when I got better he reverted. I should just cut it off and do my own thing. You're right when it's not his fault for wanting it, but it IS his fault for wanting his cake and eat it to... He wants me to let him do these things while I have to sit back and basically work my butt off after an infection that has cost me a lot of things, and almost ended everything all together. For a time even I didn't think I would pull through, but I have two weeks of Vancomycin and I'm home free.

    The question is... Do I go back home for him, or myself and wait for someone rather than look. Looking makes me seem like a slut, waiting turns me into an obsessive conspiracy. icon_rolleyes.gif

    I should just become a Tibetan Monk.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 07, 2009 10:31 PM GMT
    You haven't given me one compelling reason why you should stay with him.
  • tj78

    Posts: 39

    Jun 07, 2009 10:43 PM GMT
    At 22 it might be kind of difficult to see this perspective, but trust me - 22 is WAY too young to be A) expecting life long/monogamous relationships and B) to be certain that there are no good men out there!

    Trust me - your 20s are ALL about exploration of sorts. Exploring your sexuality, exploring relationships, etc. It is healthy and normal for young men to want to try new things and experiment with different partners, and to discover what they like, don't like, and who they are or are not attracted to.

    If you want to be disappointed in something, be disappointed in the fact that you are not in your 30s yet! Don't be disappointed in all mankind.

    Having said that, men in their 30s are more likely to have gotten those things out of their system, and are more likely to be ready to really focus on building a monogamous relationship.

    Patience, Grasshopper!
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 07, 2009 10:51 PM GMT
    Pheo saidI think I've found a pattern... All the good men are either straight, taken, or they just have urges to bone other men, but they still 'love' only you. u.u


    You owe me a new keyboard I just spit orange juice all over mine reading that last sentence. How many times have I heard woman say the same sentance except starting it off with "gay men" instead of straight.

    /If you want a monogamous relationship- you aren't the only one. Relax it will happen.
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 07, 2009 10:55 PM GMT
    tj78 saidAt 22 it might be kind of difficult to see this perspective, but trust me - 22 is WAY too young to be A) expecting life long/monogamous relationships and B) to be certain that there are no good men out there!

    Trust me - your 20s are ALL about exploration of sorts. Exploring your sexuality, exploring relationships, etc. It is healthy and normal for young men to want to try new things and experiment with different partners, and to discover what they like, don't like, and who they are or are not attracted to.

    If you want to be disappointed in something, be disappointed in the fact that you are not in your 30s yet! Don't be disappointed in all mankind.

    Having said that, men in their 30s are more likely to have gotten those things out of their system, and are more likely to be ready to really focus on building a monogamous relationship.

    Patience, Grasshopper!


    See that's the thing. Through MRSA and what I do for a living... I'm 22, feeling like I'm going on 80... I've already had to write a last will and testament, and become that of a therapist of a job. *Shrug* I'm ready, most aren't.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 07, 2009 11:35 PM GMT
    I think maybe you attract the guy that thinks he wants the fairy tale romantic monogamous relationship and doesn't want to admit he doesn't really want that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    "Yes... I know I'm 22, but hells... I'd rather be with the person I'm dating and spend life with them"

    You first have to understand that you'll be spending life with you. You could live to be over 100. That's more than 78 years more. Stop trying to finish your life before you've lived it. You shouldn't even yet be planning for retirement.

    Also, you somewhat resemble Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. Learn to play the guitar. Tune in turn on and drop out baby.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 12:11 AM GMT
    free advice. damn! ya get what ya pay for, huh!


    (edit: I'm still trying to figure out what to say)
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 08, 2009 12:14 AM GMT
    McGay said
    You first have to understand that you'll be spending life with you. You could live to be over 100. That's more than 78 years more. Stop trying to finish your life before you've lived it. You shouldn't even yet be planning for retirement.
    .


    While this be understandable, and I shouldn't... Dealing with some of this stuff, I basically have to. Things with the economy, my side career that I wish for it to kick off, because let's face it... 22 working as a Reader... Not really happy with that. Second, dealing with MRSA, again... I had to make a will and testament. Truth is we all don't know when we'll die. I'm one that wants to fulfill things while I still have the breathe and energy to, instead of regretting that I didn't make that decision after it's too late. And yes... Life is full of these situations, however... I'd rather not be cheated on each time someone wants to date me. And I make that quite clear when they start to wine and dine me... Give them the option to go... If I don't plan now, I screw myself of the short stick in the end.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 12:24 AM GMT
    I can't think of anything you want to hear. Frankly, I think you are starting a long, frustrating process of figuring out life.

    So here's a song.



    Pretty subtle, huh.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 12:29 AM GMT
    Take a deep breath.

    Realize that 1, 2, 3-8 bad apples in a lifetime do not represent every man out there.

    Live your truth and let what will be, be.
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 08, 2009 12:44 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidTake a deep breath.

    Realize that 1, 2, 3-8 bad apples in a lifetime do not represent every man out there.

    Live your truth and let what will be, be.


    That's what a friend of mine says. However I don't get to talk to this friend very often..
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 08, 2009 12:53 AM GMT
    wyrln

    that song has been played for me too many times. oy.
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 08, 2009 1:04 AM GMT
    Same DC. It's not getting what I want... It's whether to allow this thing to continue or not and how to go about each of these things.
  • metta

    Posts: 39130

    Jun 08, 2009 1:09 AM GMT
    dang...dang...dang....I was hoping that this was going to be about going horseback riding. ;)


    In regards to the real topic....take more time before declaring someone a bf. Try and look for qualities in a person that you are looking for: stability, honesty, monogamous. You will probably have a harder time finding it in a gay bar. Maybe find someone that is really focused on their education and career, that puts that as a priority over partying.
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 08, 2009 1:15 AM GMT
    metta8 saiddang...dang...dang....I was hoping that this was going to be about going horseback riding. ;)


    I wish it were that simple Metta. xD But hey... If you want to talk about horses sometime. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 1:26 AM GMT
    Pheo saidSame DC. It's not getting what I want... It's whether to allow this thing to continue or not and how to go about each of these things.
    For some reason I wish I could help.

    From what you have posted about your current relationship, I say forget about him. If you're still conflicted about him, then you aren't telling us everything. Or, maybe you just need some reassurance that dropping him is the best thing. It is. icon_idea.gif When I get torn up inside about something, it always boils down to what I want to do and what I know I should do. Once I figure out that problem I give in and do what I should do. It's for the best.

    As far as "how to go about each of these things." that's where I draw a blank and start posting songs. Not to be heartless, I just have no quick fix to suggest.

  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 08, 2009 1:41 AM GMT
    wyrln said
    Pheo saidSame DC. It's not getting what I want... It's whether to allow this thing to continue or not and how to go about each of these things.
    For some reason I wish I could help.

    From what you have posted about your current relationship, I say forget about him. If you're still conflicted about him, then you aren't telling us everything. Or, maybe you just need some reassurance that dropping him is the best thing. It is. icon_idea.gif When I get torn up inside about something, it always boils down to what I want to do and what I know I should do. Once I figure out that problem I give in and do what I should do. It's for the best.

    As far as "how to go about each of these things." that's where I draw a blank and start posting songs. Not to be heartless, I just have no quick fix to suggest.



    I'm conflicted in the sense that I want to be with him and solely him, and him vice versa. He has these urges that he can't seem to control. I've been there. Only with different things, but I got burned by it. Bad. Still trying to get over what I was into. And it wasn't drugs. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 1:51 AM GMT
    Lots of men say don't grow up till you're grown up. I say f*ck that.You can be old and young at the same time. Be responsible, but not so responsible too where you can't have any fun. Find a man, but don't plan your life around him In fact, making your own plans and including him in the fun makes it even more fun and a better relationship and he will more than likely do the same, but if he doesnt want to, then don't sweat, go off and do your own thing. Get a job, but work yourself to death.

    I guess, the advice is moderation.

    And men can't be monogamous for a whole HOST of reasons. Genetic (we were born to spread seed, thats WHAT we do), Environmental (HOT GUYS!), and Physical(Testosterone, Pheromones, etc.)

    Some men are just wired to be monogamous. Me, I'm realizing that I may not be that man. You just have to find someone that is compatible with your view of life! So if that guy wants to go bone random men, do it! I know you might be pissed/sad/angry now, but he wasn't for you! The guys in longest lasting relationships that I have met do these three things:

    1) Be honest and communicate constantly.

    2) Be open and respectful to the others wants/concerns/needs.

    3) Be trusting of the other.

    One is built on the other.... you can't trust without being open and respecting the other, and you cant be open and respect the other if you don't communicate and communicate the truth! Hell, I'd rather a guy tell me to my face that he wants to fuck/has fucked other guys while in a relationship than find out fro mothers or the person he slept with. I might not be any happier he did it, but at least he fessed up to it. And it might give us ground to start talking about what he/I want out of a relationship.

    Of course, I'm just 22.
  • swogdog

    Posts: 143

    Jun 08, 2009 2:44 AM GMT
    I'm more concerned about the recurrent MRSA infection than the dude that knows he won't play by your rules but haunts you anyway. Did you pick it up in a hospital or clinic? Is the infection cutaneous or respiratory? Hopefully they have you on a therapy of some sort to combat the infection... Sorry for the personal questions, you don't have to answer - but I hope you are okay.

    I'd focus my energy on kicking the bug and not bog myself down with the stress of a guy who doesn't meet your criteria.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 3:39 AM GMT
    Pheo saidOkay. I've been in a relationship with a guy a year. He calls it quits because he feels the need to bone random men... He says it's an urge. Why can't men be monogamous? Now I thought it was my fault until I went to counseling. See this is the third time a guy wants or has cheated and threw it in my face. Yes... I know I'm 22, but hells... I'd rather be with the person I'm dating and spend life with them, but... If they need someone else to accomplish that, that isn't a relationship. Hells... It's dangerous if he's wanting to bone random men, if they have an STD and he passes it to me... I'm screwed. I've been diagnosed with MRSA, that's bad enough. He says it's because he's a furry and furries are sluts... And jokes all the time about it. icon_evil.gif

    I'm beginning to lose hope that someone out there will be... How should I say decent enough to at least want to be with me. I'm not THAT hard to please, but in retrospect I'm not that easy either.icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think I've found a pattern... All the good men are either straight, taken, or they just have urges to bone other men, but they still 'love' only you. u.u


    Sometimes, things just don't go the way we want them to. Now, when that happens, we have a choice..., to dwell it, or not. Which do you think is the better option?

    RedVespa / Colonel is the voice of age, wisdom, and experience. His advice is sound.

    Take care of yourself, roll with the punches, get back up and you'll be fine. The "pity pot" never did anyone any good.

    Think of it like learning to skate. You fall. You fall some more. You get bruised. You get bruised some more. You ache. You get pissed. You skate some more. Pretty soon, you're skating backwards, too. Pretty soon, you're playing hockey, AND LOVING IT.

    Same thing with many things in life. Many things worth having don't come the first, second, or third, try, but, some of the fun is in the trying.

    Lots of things that are cool to have can be hard, it seems, at first, and then, it's MAGIC. You learn to play hockey, type, fish, ride a bike, build a business. The wonderful part about the human brain is its ability to learn.

    I remember training for 20 weeks to step on stage. Just like the hockey story, or Colonel's fishing story, the story gets better as you go along, and can be very rewarding. I find competitive bodybuilding profoundly rewarding, but, it's HARD (but that's the part I like...the fact that it is HARD). Real hard...but, when it all comes together...it's magic.

    Fuck those first three fuckers. There's 7 BILLION folks in the world. Get up. Pull your boots on. Get back on the horse and have some fun. Life is to short to be pissed.

    Eventually, you'll get over the infection. The overuse of antibiotics for the sniffly sneezies has made some strong bacteria. Natural selection works that way. You could have gotten it anywhere.

    Good luck.