So, you say you don't like drama...

  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jun 07, 2009 10:03 PM GMT
    I’ve dealt, lately, with a number of people (friends and otherwise) who say that they don’t like drama, but end up with a lot of it in their lives. Many times, this drama stems directly from their actions. Since I’m essentially a Vulcan, I seem to be much more aware of this than they are. For all those who say they don’t like “drama”, some tips on reducing the amount of it in your social life:

    1) Don’t expect others to read your mind. If you want them to do something for you, ask them to do so. If you’re upset with them, tell them you are and why you are. Do not set up little tests to prove whether someone cares about you/knows you well enough to figure out your thoughts/can read your mood. The phrase “If you don’t know what’s wrong, I’m not going to tell you,” is not allowed for anyone claiming to not like drama.

    2) If you want to date a guy, ask him out. Being rejected isn’t fun, but it’s better than constantly wondering whether he’d go out with you, or maybe he’ll ask you out at some point if only you dropped the right hint/took up an interesting hobby/wore the right clothes/got in better shape. If he does reject you, your friends will be a lot more sympathetic to hearing “I asked him out, and he said no,” than they will be to hearing your 400th repetition of how he’s the perfect guy for you and WHY has he not realized it yet?!?

    3) If you’re asked out by someone you don’t want to date, the best response is a direct but polite “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested,” or a simple variation on that (feel free to substitute “I’m flattered” for “I’m sorry”, for example). If you tell a guy that you’re just too busy to date right now, you’re essentially inviting him to ask you out again in a couple of weeks or months. If you tell him “I’m flattered, but I just started seeing someone,” you’re implying that if you hadn’t begun dating this other person, you’d have answered differently…and if this other person doesn’t work out, you’ll probably be asked out again. If there is some specific reason you feel like sharing, consider whether the other person would actually want to know it before telling them. “Your brother is a close friend of mine, and that would just be too awkward for me,” is one thing; “You’re too fat/stupid/short/tall/skinny/dorky/etc” is quite another.

    4) Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you say you’ll call a guy, call. If you make a date, either show up or call in advance and cancel: standing someone up is not an option if you want to retain the label of low drama. Don’t give the “let’s be friends” speech if you have no interest in becoming a guy’s friend. Assuming the guy wasn’t merely lusting after your body, he thinks you’re interesting, and is probably going to want to spend time doing things with you even if it’s not romantic in nature. If you’re going to turn down every invitation he extends to do things together, either individually or in groups, don’t tell him you want to be his friend; he’ll just ask you to do things, you’ll reject him repeatedly, and it will be awkward for everyone.

    5) There are at least two sides to every story. Gossip is not the way to a low-drama social life.

    6) Recognize that it isn’t all about you. Friends will end up remaining friends with your exes. Friends may well even date you ex. This is not a betrayal of you, or a lack of loyalty to you, because it has nothing to do with you unless they were having an affair with the ex while you two were supposedly monogamous. Unless the ex truly abused you or your children, it’s none of your business who that ex is friends with or dates from now on. They are your past, not your present.

    7) Don’t keep score of things that don’t matter. It is entirely possible to read far more into a situation than events warrant. If a friend of yours invites a mutual friend over for dinner more often than he invites you, that doesn’t necessarily mean he likes the other friend better—maybe they have more similar tastes in food, maybe they’re in the habit of watching some particular television show together, whatever. If you called a guy the last 3 times you spoke, that doesn’t mean it’s “his turn to call” unless the two of you have actually worked out some sort of deal about this. This ties in heavily to point number 1.

    8 ) Do not go looking for flaws. You do not want to be one of the characters from Seinfeld or Will & Grace, dismissing romantic partners because they talk too fast, or are too tan, or have a weird chest hair pattern. Those people are funny on television, but really annoying in real life. If you want to act like that, at the very least admit to being a drama queen and stop pretending you’re otherwise.

    9) For that matter, just don’t emulate television characters, period. They do not become television characters by being non-dramatic. Scripts rarely call for calm, reasonable people.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jun 07, 2009 10:11 PM GMT
    10) Pick your arguments. No person, and no relationship, is perfect. There will be things that annoy you about anyone. Most of them are not worth arguing about. Parts of you annoy them too.

    11) Even when thing are worth arguing about, it’s possible to do so without sounding like a crazy person. Saying “It bothers me when we have plans and you show up 45 minutes late. I know that sometimes things come up you have no control over, but when that happens could you call me and let me know you’re running late so I’m not just sitting around wondering if you’re going to come and when that might be?” is much less dramatic than saying “You obviously don’t care about me or my feelings, you always
    blow me off without even saying anything.” Absolutes like always, never, every, none, etc. are rarely conducive to a reasoned discussion.

    Fundamentally, if you don’t want drama…don’t act dramatic. If you think that your behavior or speech seems similar to the stereotypical teen-aged girl or angsty emo kid, you’ve lost the right to complain about drama.

    [/rant]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:24 PM GMT
    Ooh, pretty good summary, I thought I might want to add something before reading it, but no.... On the other hand, I believe drama like that exists because sometimes we do crave for it (it's a human thing, Vulcan friend),
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 07, 2009 10:29 PM GMT
    [geek]
    No you aren't Vulcan. The order you placed those in wasn't logical.
    [/geek]

    Seriously though. Can I subscribe to your newsletter?
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Jun 07, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    You need to write a column here on RJ.
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Jun 07, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    I wish RJ had a facebook "like" button for forum threads icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:39 PM GMT
    I totally agree with number 1. I had a friend who got mad at me over something, I knew she was mad at me so I asked her what did I do? She kept ignoring me until I asked her again, although more harshley, and all she said was "I'm not going to tell you" WTF?? I was pissed! Then she starts saying we are fighting blahblahblah and I told her "I don't get where you think we are fighting, I just want to know why youre mad at me so I can do something"

    It doesn't help that this girl lives and feeds off of drama, her life cannot be normal for one minute.

    One thing I'd add is this:

    Control your actions!!! (going off of my friend again) If you make bad decisions like making out with a stranger, or friend when drunk, that's your fault. Most of the drama like this is started by only one person, YOU! Learn to control yourself, I've been drunk and never have made out with anyone. I think other people can do it too.


    We all have drama, no one is drama free. Everyone has problems. It's just a matter if you have to tell the world what's going on about you or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2009 10:50 PM GMT
    "so, you say you don't like drama..."
    And I say BS! To me this means
    A) He don't want a relationship
    B) everything goes his way
    C) his a dick or a ass
    D) and it's only gonna last for a couple of days
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2009 11:36 PM GMT
    well said.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2009 11:47 PM GMT
    I tend to get whipped up in drama a lot, and I won't say that I'm COMPLETELY innocent in the scenarios all of the time ( icon_rolleyes.gif ), but ... I certainly don't directly cause the drama. I'm usually extremely straightforward and honest. Sometimes painfully so. icon_neutral.gif I have some honest-ass friends, too ... so I'm pretty sure that if I was the source of my own crazy goings-on, they'd let me know about it. FAST.

    I'm kind of like a magnet for weird. Always have been. I'm the guy that if something strange can happen to, it will. It's made for some very interesting times, though, so ... I'm not complaining. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 12:27 AM GMT
    Amazing bro:icon_exclaim.gif a lot of people live 4 drama...da drama queens should be in here soonicon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 12:34 AM GMT
    Nicely done, Bionerd. Oh, BTW, Vulcans don't rant. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 12:59 AM GMT
    A nicely compiled list. I enjoyed reading it icon_smile.gif
  • metta

    Posts: 39134

    Jun 08, 2009 1:07 AM GMT
    Nice list. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 1:09 AM GMT
    I HEART bionerd.

    Such normal, sensible advice. Why do people even need it?

    Some people really need it (sigh)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 1:09 AM GMT

    Keep your grubby mitts offa my drama, Nerdy Yet Strangely Appealing !!

    ........................
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 1:39 AM GMT
    Personally, our lives would be a tad boring if there wasn't a teeny bit of drama in them. I mean, not some serious shit, but a little funny drama never hurt anyone.

    Also, drama helps me figure out who people really are. In times of needs, friends are gonna help, acquaintances are gonna be silent or maybe ask, and people who don't care/don't like you are gonna do nothing (or gossip about you). We are ALL good friends with someone, acquaintances with others, and have no connect to some people.

    What people have to realize is that people that you might consider to be people you don't care about may be good friends with some of your friends. Its all about who knows who (and in the gay world, its pretty much everyone knows, knows of, or slept with that other person... so choose your words wisely.

    And consider this: "If in doubt, don't blurt it out." Meaning know who you're talking to and what you're talking about before you say or do something.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 1:41 AM GMT
    look in my life I have learned that if a person has to say "no drama" its because they think drama just fallows them, but in reality its just them
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 3:38 AM GMT
    cubsfan1986 saidPersonally, our lives would be a tad boring if there wasn't a teeny bit of drama in them. I mean, not some serious shit, but a little funny drama never hurt anyone.

    Also, drama helps me figure out who people really are. In times of needs, friends are gonna help, acquaintances are gonna be silent or maybe ask, and people who don't care/don't like you are gonna do nothing (or gossip about you). We are ALL good friends with someone, acquaintances with others, and have no connect to some people.

    What people have to realize is that people that you might consider to be people you don't care about may be good friends with some of your friends. Its all about who knows who (and in the gay world, its pretty much everyone knows, knows of, or slept with that other person... so choose your words wisely.

    And consider this: "If in doubt, don't blurt it out." Meaning know who you're talking to and what you're talking about before you say or do something.





    Dope List MSUBioNerdD!!!

    But as cubsfan1986 said, a little drama adds spice to life...Before I was dealing with guys my life was pretty mundane...having these added distraction definitely took my eyes solely off of my career prize but added a certain...uhh..."jena sa qua"....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 3:46 AM GMT
    personally, i think drama determines how serious the person is willing to be with you. if he puts up with it then he is a keeper. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 08, 2009 3:48 AM GMT
    People that say they do not want drama but have it only have it because they want it.
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jun 08, 2009 3:49 AM GMT
    FierceEyes saidI'm kind of like a magnet for weird. Always have been. I'm the guy that if something strange can happen to, it will. It's made for some very interesting times, though, so ... I'm not complaining. icon_wink.gif


    I second this. Walking on the street is oftentimes more bizarre and entertaining than tv. I literally laugh at some of the weird shit that I encounter. I highly recommend trying to keep an eye out for such situations.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 5:09 AM GMT
    Thanks for that list. I've been having some dramatic times lately, and I was afraid to read it and find out all the things I've been doing wrong.

    Nope. Seems I'm not a terrible fuckup drama-wise. Sometimes it just lands on you. At least I can say I get away from it ASAP. I think it's only going to be a question of learning to see warning signs sooner.