High Maintenance

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    Jun 08, 2009 6:39 PM GMT
    I just broke up with a guy that I loved very much, it was an incredibly hard decision but we both were just not communicating very well. We knew each other for about 10 months, dated for 5 months.

    I'm very open and candid with my feelings. It is quite easy for me to directly address my concerns, fears and insecurities when I trust and love someone, but when I do so I leave myself vulnerable to rejection and judgment.

    I love passionately, deeply, with intent and sincerity, but I *need* communication and frequent verbal reassurance about the changes that happen often in the beginning of a new relationship. (I was in a 7 year relationship and 5 months to me very much is the beginning).

    I'm a competitive fighter, marathon runner & triathlete. I'm very outgoing and social and I'm also very sensitive. I share the things that go through my head and this was one of the things he loved about me.I

    I'm bummed that we couldn't make it work. People talk about some people being high maintenance like it's a bad thing... I know I have.

    But I also know that is just how I am, and I can't change it, no matter how I try.

    My question is; Are there guys out there that like highly communicative and emotionally available guys, who can also work with the flip side of the passion which can be assuaging his hurt feelings when he needs reassurance? Am I being unreasonable?
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    Jun 08, 2009 6:52 PM GMT
    Are you saying that you are high maintenance? I prefer a guy who is self-maintenance, as I hope that I am. If you can't take care of yourself, I can understand why another guy wouldn't want to assume that hassle.

    I was taught that men are self-sufficient and don't rely on others, nor impose on them with personal problems. I'm stronger & better when I'm with a partner, but I can take care of myself when I'm not. Your partner is your companion, not a crutch, and you must be a benefit, not a burden. What were you?
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    Jun 08, 2009 7:09 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidAre you saying that you are high maintenance?


    Yes, I think I am.
    But no one takes care of me, I'm a self sufficient adult.

    I think you missed my point.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 08, 2009 7:14 PM GMT
    You are who you are. Some guys may find your needs burdensome, some may find it welcoming. I would say there is a line between being open and communicative and constantly seeking validation.
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    Jun 08, 2009 7:15 PM GMT
    There is no problem if your high maintenance just don't be a nag. I would call myself high self maintenance but it's not easy to look this young. lol It sounds like you need a break. Hangout with friends or make more friends. If the relationship is this new you got to give a guy his space. You don't need him to be with you all the time. I know I don't won't my guy always on my back. Why do you need all this frequent verbal reassurance? Sounds like low self esteem to me. You need to look within yourself and learn to be comfortable with yourself. In the end we only have ourselves to rely on.
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    Jun 08, 2009 7:22 PM GMT
    I've dated a few guys who were very self-sufficient, passionate, good-looking but emotional high maintenance. No matter how good looking or sexy they were they seemed to feel insecure in the relationship. This insecurity translated into volatility and sometimes anger. They may have felt I was emotionally unavailable as you put it but you have to understand that if a guy is emotionally volatile I am more likely to be emotionally defensive which can come across a unavailable. I think the problem comes down to the fact that people look for a lover to bring them the emotional peace and security that they can't seem to feel when they are alone.
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 08, 2009 7:27 PM GMT


    You aren't high maintenance. I'm the same way. Some men just don't love us in the same way we do them. I learned this through this last relationship... I don't know if it's being continued or what because he does so much that shows me that he's going backwards. It sucks.
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    Jun 08, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    He wanted the commitment of monogamy which I was glad to do, but only when I was ready for all that monogamy implied (not having sex with others was the easy part). He also adamantly pressed for exclusive dating... which I agreed to as well. I think I was inevitably feeling smothered and may have sabotaged the relationship.

    I'm latin, my family hugs, kisses, holds hands, tell each other we love one another many, many times a day. We've also all been to years of therapy individually and together where we've learned to address our own and others' insecurities, essentially we process like lesbians.

    I'm tactile and demonstrative, I'm physical, I'm verbal, I'm vocal. His emotive introversion just didn't offer the security I was seeking, or the connection that I crave.

    friendormate saidI think the problem comes down to the fact that people look for a lover to bring them the emotional peace and security that they can't seem to feel when they are alone.


    Well said.
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    Jun 08, 2009 10:14 PM GMT
    Yak, Yak ,Yak.

    As an intorvert I paassionately love my quiet moments, moments of reflection. To much conversation to me is a blurred distraction. I know others thrive on conversation to examine there daily moments but it can feel suffocating if not overwelming.

    Only one question: As many threads have said before communication is key to a good relationship, when did your communication to him become blurred/suffocating for him?

    There is nothing wrong with being high maintenance as long as your partner is your equal otherwise the imbalance will tear you apart. I bet you feel like your talking to your self many times during your relationship. Many one sided conversations.

    Your not being unreasonable, if you exist the ying to your yang is out there.

    Keep chattin it up! The guy that matches you word for word will be your keeper.
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    Jun 08, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    Yes there are. No, you're not.
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    Jun 08, 2009 10:32 PM GMT
    There's nothing high maintenance about you. You are not being unreasonable.

    Let's start a Facebook group called:

    "Stop-projecting-your-insecurities-on-me-by-calling-me-High-Maintenance!"

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2009 10:39 PM GMT
    My ex would not say good morning, good night ,hello . Would never kiss me or initiate any intimacy. Believe it or not It was a passionate relationship but only if I did all the work.
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    Jun 08, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    over_and_over said
    Red_Vespa saidAre you saying that you are high maintenance?

    Yes, I think I am.
    But no one takes care of me, I'm a self sufficient adult.

    I think you missed my point.

    Then what was your point?
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    Jun 08, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidMy ex would not say good morning, good night ,hello . Would never kiss me or initiate any intimacy. Believe it or not It was a passionate relationship but only if I did all the work.


    That's depressing. No Good morning. Did he have some sort of oral handicap? That's just extreme anti-socialism.
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    Jun 08, 2009 11:11 PM GMT

    I know it is not the same but, just like there are those guys who like the level of body hair I have on my chest vs. those who don't. But there are those who LOVE it, and I don't feel comfortable changing for the others, you like what I am or you don't. So there might be people that think I am being unreasonable in either form, and all that is going to do is confuse me about my own identity. I would say, don't even try to change. It's you, and there is a guy that will appreciate your level of engagement, and is even touched by it. Find him.

    My description of high maintenance are those poor souls that get so focused on the details that they cannot see the big picture. Wasting time in minutiae happens to annoy my sense of efficiency, but you seem to have a purpose, a passion, and you are dealing from a position of care, so I would personally make allowances for that even though I have in my profile that I "prefer low maintenance guys"

    There is a difference between someone who [rightly] would want reassurance in the beginning of a relationship and a certified black hole of need. You are not being unreasonable as far as I can see.

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    Jun 08, 2009 11:23 PM GMT
    i've found it's best to just be yourself- flaws and all- even insecurities (which we all have- rather than spending all of your energy trying to suppress and hide them, being scared what people would think). the hope is that one day, we will each find the guy who accepts and works well with us, and who may even find our flaws endearing. you can't just hope that any man will be the compliment to your own complex composition of strengths, weaknesses, and quirks- there can only be a few out there who can do that. some never find their other(s), but we all hope to. that's really all that can be said on the subject. there is no advice. just be yourself and hope.
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    Jun 08, 2009 11:24 PM GMT
    sfv_gym_buddy saidThere's nothing high maintenance about you. You are not being unreasonable.

    Let's start a Facebook group called:

    "Stop-projecting-your-insecurities-on-me-by-calling-me-High-Maintenance!"

    icon_biggrin.gif


    ps, i like this very much icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 09, 2009 6:17 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidAre you saying that you are high maintenance? I prefer a guy who is self-maintenance, as I hope that I am. If you can't take care of yourself, I can understand why another guy wouldn't want to assume that hassle.
    I was taught that men are self-sufficient and don't rely on others, nor impose on them with personal problems. I'm stronger & better when I'm with a partner, but I can take care of myself when I'm not. Your partner is your companion, not a crutch, and you must be a benefit, not a burden. What were you?
    over_and_over saidYes, I think I am.
    But no one takes care of me, I'm a self sufficient adult.
    I think you missed my point.
    Red_Vespa saidThen what was your point?


    It's not about being taken care of, it's not about imposing problems, benefits or burdens.
    It's about communication, disclosure and an ongoing spoken commitment not becoming implied. 5 months is way to early for that sort of sedentary emotional unavailability to be taking place... and if I was not able to "self-maintain/take care of myself" or "my personal problems" I would have settled for the mediocre emotional investment he offered.

    After reading the supportive replies of others, I feel better about the outcome... thank you all.

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    Jun 09, 2009 6:22 AM GMT
    over_and_over saidI just broke up with a guy that I loved very much, it was an incredibly hard decision but we both were just not communicating very well. We knew each other for about 10 months, dated for 5 months.

    I'm very open and candid with my feelings. It is quite easy for me to directly address my concerns, fears and insecurities when I trust and love someone, but when I do so I leave myself vulnerable to rejection and judgment.

    I love passionately, deeply, with intent and sincerity, but I *need* communication and frequent verbal reassurance about the changes that happen often in the beginning of a new relationship. (I was in a 7 year relationship and 5 months to me very much is the beginning).

    I'm a competitive fighter, marathon runner & triathlete. I'm very outgoing and social and I'm also very sensitive. I share the things that go through my head and this was one of the things he loved about me.I

    I'm bummed that we couldn't make it work. People talk about some people being high maintenance like it's a bad thing... I know I have.

    But I also know that is just how I am, and I can't change it, no matter how I try.

    My question is; Are there guys out there that like highly communicative and emotionally available guys, who can also work with the flip side of the passion which can be assuaging his hurt feelings when he needs reassurance? Am I being unreasonable?


    Yes. You're fine, and no, you're not being unreasonable.
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    Jun 09, 2009 4:01 PM GMT


    "Are there guys out there that like highly communicative and emotionally available guys, who can also work with the flip side of the passion which can be assuaging his hurt feelings when he needs reassurance?"


    We're both like that.

    We also think that the term 'high maintenance' is vastly mis-used. There isn't one person on the planet without needs.

    High maintenance? Well...
    A massive ego combined with low self esteem is a good recipe for it.

    Nothing you do can ever make them happy, not for more than a minute.

    1st guy: Hey! I got a promotion and a raise!"

    2nd guy: in flat tones "Great. Now you'll never leave that job."

    1st guy: Oh, er, thanks...

    In the old days, back when we were young and the pyramids just built, the term was 'high-strung' ....no kidding.
    LOL!


    -Doug of meninlove

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    Jun 18, 2009 6:52 PM GMT
    my first partner always told me and all our friends that I was very "high maintenance", of course this relationship lasted 6 very long years.

    my hubby says I am very low maintenance and we have been together for over 12 years.

    so I think it depends on the relationship and what the other person thinks high vs low maintenance it.