Giving hot guys too much credit.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 9:03 PM GMT

    Today at the grocery store I passed a serious player and it had me thinking how easy it is for a hot guy to grab my attention. I knew if I were in a gay setting I'd have to see where I would stand with this guy. As it turns out we ended up side by side at the check out counter and a conversation began. He was one of those warm southern men with a thick drawl. We spoke a bit about nutrition as he was buying a lot of veggies. When he mentioned cooking with Olive oil I asked him if he were of Italian decent. I thought it unlikely due to his accent but he honestly looked like a classic Italian hunk. No, I'm a Cherokee mix he said. When he was done buying his goods he said, "it was nice talking to you sir."

    Southerners use sir a lot more than the rest of the country. I've been called sir, down here, since my early 30s. I find it to be very respectful but at times it leaves me feeling we are not peers. Of course, I don't see how I could have picked up a guy in a grocery store check out even if I did stand a chance. Hot southern gentlemen always impress me but I’m not sure how much is due to their looks and how much is due to their warm manners.

    I've been trying to adjust my taste in men to correspond more to the whole package and less to the physical appearance. I have to accept the fact that most of the smoking hot guys are too young and have too many admires to be worth the chase. What I really want to find is a guy I connect with on many levels. I don't expect sex with a mate to be a porno fantasy but rather tender and affectionate experience. That being said I have to admit that old habits die hard.

    I'm finding that in the search for a great companion, exceptionally good looks are a huge distraction. When a guy is hot I can't resist striking up a conversation. When he is average looking I'm more likely to wait for him to make the first move. My initial attraction can increase if a guy has charisma and confidence so it is not like I can’t become attracted to an average guy. But I feel as though I overpower an average looking guy who lacks confidence. On the other hand, if I am very attracted to a guy I can’t help but to give him a break if he is insecure. In fact, I do my best to make him feel more secure. I don’t think this is fair but my behavior feels more instinctive than rational. Unfortunately I think a lot of gay men are worse about this point and often in denial of their own behavior.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 9:29 PM GMT
    i'm in the exact same boat- i hear ya.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 9:40 PM GMT
    If a guy is classically "hot" but also is a poor conversationalist, thinker, and/or writer, or is clearly narcissistic, he then becomes--rather quickly--decidedly NOT hot.

    So "hot", then, to me, is definitely an amalgamation of body and mind. Each is necessary; neither are expendable. That's why I don't understand anyone "hot" listing guys with whom they've never even chatted. How can you know they're "hot" if you don't know them at all?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 9:48 PM GMT
    friendormate said
    I've been trying to adjust my taste in men to correspond more to the whole package and less to the physical appearance. I have to accept the fact that most of the smoking hot guys are too young and have too many admires to be worth the chase. What I really want to find is a guy I connect with on many levels. I don't expect sex with a mate to be a porno fantasy but rather tender and affectionate experience. That being said I have to admit that old habits die hard.


    My theory is that not only do very hot guys have too many admirers, many are socially and emotionally lacking because these admirers make it easy to get them what they want, things, attention, ego trips etc. Guys who develop a strength of will and emotional maturity early on are either average looking, or have been cut off from potential admirers by living in remote areas, having a strict religious upbringing, or being from isolated immigrant families.
  • tj78

    Posts: 39

    Jun 08, 2009 9:53 PM GMT
    MtndudeSF said
    friendormate said
    I've been trying to adjust my taste in men to correspond more to the whole package and less to the physical appearance. I have to accept the fact that most of the smoking hot guys are too young and have too many admires to be worth the chase. What I really want to find is a guy I connect with on many levels. I don't expect sex with a mate to be a porno fantasy but rather tender and affectionate experience. That being said I have to admit that old habits die hard.


    My theory is that not only do very hot guys have too many admirers, many are socially and emotionally lacking because these admirers make it easy to get them what they want, things, attention, ego trips etc. Guys who develop a strength of will and emotional maturity early on are either average looking, or have been cut off from potential admirers by living in remote areas, having a strict religious upbringing, or being from isolated immigrant families.



    So good looking guys have no chance of being emotionally mature unless they are immigrants or bible-thumping back woods Okies??? Say it ain't so, Joe!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 9:58 PM GMT
    oh the permuations and combinations icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 10:03 PM GMT
    epidemos saidIf a guy is classically "hot" but also is a poor conversationalist, thinker, and/or writer, or is clearly narcissistic, he then becomes--rather quickly--decidedly NOT hot.

    So "hot", then, to me, is definitely an amalgamation of body and mind. Each is necessary; neither are expendable. That's why I don't understand anyone "hot" listing guys with whom they've never even chatted. How can you know they're "hot" if you don't know them at all?



    Obviously if a guy is hot and a jerk it doesn't go far. But the question is, do you find pursing the ones who are physically hot distracts you from finding a guy you may not find attractive initially but who could turn out to be dynamic, fun and in the long run the best lover?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 10:28 PM GMT
    tj78 said
    MtndudeSF said

    My theory is that not only do very hot guys have too many admirers, many are socially and emotionally lacking because these admirers make it easy to get them what they want, things, attention, ego trips etc. Guys who develop a strength of will and emotional maturity early on are either average looking, or have been cut off from potential admirers by living in remote areas, having a strict religious upbringing, or being from isolated immigrant families.



    So good looking guys have no chance of being emotionally mature unless they are immigrants or bible-thumping back woods Okies??? Say it ain't so, Joe!


    I said they develop emotional maturity "early on" from these upbringings. Another I missed is if someone grew up in an abusive environment, which will cause soul-searching at an earlier age.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 08, 2009 10:32 PM GMT
    Isn't instinctively rejecting (or trying to reject) someone because of what you think they are like, based on their appearance, as bad regardless of whether they are hot or not?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 10:41 PM GMT
    Nothing gets me more turned on than a man's ability to make me think and push me on all levels. I have totally fallen head-over-heels for guys people think are mediocre but who are amazing conversationalists and push my intellectually.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    DCEric saidIsn't instinctively rejecting (or trying to reject) someone because of what you think they are like, based on their appearance, as bad regardless of whether they are hot or not?


    It is not about rejecting hot guys, it's about not putting up extra effort to court them compared to average looking guys, I think that's wise from the view of looking for a LTR.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 10:53 PM GMT
    Pinny saidNothing gets me more turned on than a man's ability to make me think and push me on all levels. I have totally fallen head-over-heels for guys people think are mediocre but who are amazing conversationalists and push my intellectually.


    This is exactly my point. Yet it is so much easier to seek out a hot guy than it is to seek out the type of guy you describe.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2009 11:05 PM GMT
    I have been in group settings with a really hot guy and a really adorable guy. The hot guy was a jerk and was very boring. However, the cute guy was so funny and witty that he easily surpassed the conventional hot guy.

    I need a sense of humor and intellect. I love funny guys.
  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Jun 08, 2009 11:45 PM GMT
    That's strange, Friendormate, since in your profile you write: "I can only find a guy hot after I've gotten to know him a bit."

    Isn't that contradictory to what you're saying here? That you find some physically good looking guys extremely hot based on their looks alone?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2009 12:17 AM GMT
    i am usually only really interested in guys that don't know how hot they are. i also like many types of guys others don't find hot (mainly because there are very few types that i don't like), so i guess i win a bit there. many stereotypically hot guys are also quite shy and reserved because of all the attention they received makes them mistrust the intentions of others. the ones that peacock around deserve a good laugh, at best, and sympathy otherwise. they usually crave attention and when they don't find it, they aren't too happy. i guess those were some random thoughts on the subject....
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 09, 2009 12:17 AM GMT
    MtndudeSF said
    DCEric saidIsn't instinctively rejecting (or trying to reject) someone because of what you think they are like, based on their appearance, as bad regardless of whether they are hot or not?


    It is not about rejecting hot guys, it's about not putting up extra effort to court them compared to average looking guys, I think that's wise from the view of looking for a LTR.


    ah I see.
  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 09, 2009 12:30 AM GMT
    There is some attraction with guys that you want. Physical and what not. Always was. Always will. How else would we know what we want in a guy? icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2009 1:02 AM GMT
    DanielQQ saidThat's strange, Friendormate, since in your profile you write: "I can only find a guy hot after I've gotten to know him a bit."

    Isn't that contradictory to what you're saying here? That you find some physically good looking guys extremely hot based on their looks alone?


    Wow, thanks for taking the time to read my profile! I don't think I'm contradicting myself at all. I can't tell from a photo if a guy is hot until I have met him. I could get turned off right away or find I like the guy a lot. There are many other aspects of attraction such as the way he carries himself or talks that can't be capture in a photo. Everyone seems to be addressing the guys who at first appear hot but turn out to be not. We all know that story but what I find more challenging is finding a guy who you think you are not attracted to but who turns out to be brilliant, have a great personality and makes you feel cuddly in bed. You can't find that guy on the internet. You have to meet him face to face AND give him a few dates to get to know him.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jun 09, 2009 1:58 AM GMT
    MtndudeSF said
    DCEric saidIsn't instinctively rejecting (or trying to reject) someone because of what you think they are like, based on their appearance, as bad regardless of whether they are hot or not?


    It is not about rejecting hot guys, it's about not putting up extra effort to court them compared to average looking guys, I think that's wise from the view of looking for a LTR.


    I'll break from the pack here, and say that I don't think there's anything wrong with putting in extra effort to court a hot guy compared to an average looking guy. All else being equal--personality, common interests, etc.--a guy you think is an 8 in the looks department is more valuable to you than a guy you think is a 6. It makes sense to put in more effort wooing him. As long as you're still basing a long-term relationship on things that matter long term, it's still perfectly reasonable to make more of an effort to see if someone you find physically attractive has the mental and character traits that are important to you than to explore those in someone who doesn't turn you on immediately.

    As much as those of us who don't look like models might wish otherwise...looks do matter to some extent. Long-term, they're less important than many personality traits, but it's foolish to try to pretend that they're totally unimportant. The only reason that we're more likely to make snap judgments on looks than on other traits is because you can easily assess someone's looks without ever talking to them. It's much harder to say "Damn, check out the integrity on him!"

    I'll admit to having given hot guys more of a benefit of the doubt myself. It's not all that unusual to have a first date that's just kind of "meh"; not good, not truly bad, just rather indifferent. I've found that I'm much more likely to want to give a guy a second chance, to see if maybe one or the other of us was having an off day, when he's a guy who really presses my buttons.

    Overall, sure, there are physically hot jerks, who become less and less attractive the more you get to know them. And there are gorgeous individuals who are just wonder people. And there are really nice ugly people, and there are ugly people who are awful human beings. Personality and appearance don't always go together in ways you might think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2009 3:40 AM GMT
    Most "hot" guys I've met have been really cool but have the BIGGEST issues...be it financial, emotional, educational, self esteem, career drive, boyfriends/Exes, etc...I'm generalizing but 10 times out of 10 when I got to know them they turned out to be a big bag of issues, bringing them down from the pedestal I put them on in my head...But i have a thing for pretty people so I deal with the issues, LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2009 4:25 AM GMT
    pfft... The supposed (and subjectively defined) 'hot' guys have just as many issues as the supposed (and subjectively defined) 'not' guys. Interpret distinctions at will, that is the definition of subjective, eh? icon_razz.gif

    Meanwhile, to conclude that appearance increases benefits for some is a valid point, it's been proven time and again. This isn't to say that others can't compensate for what appearance doesn't grant them, simply to say that looks pay dividends in many human interactions. That said, it's not necessarily valid to correlate that idea's implications with definitions of maturity, competence, or intelligence, as these areas are measured far beyond the superficial social sphere. Perhaps you've encountered 'hot' men (or women, for that matter) who've reinforced the correlation, but you can easily meet just as many who do not.

    Back to the OP's point (I think) it's a real challenge to not be swayed by a person's exterior! After all, it's what we first encounter and what most ideas of attractiveness (and attraction) are based on, even if only in a superficial sense. I, like you, am more receptive to those I deem 'hot,' but I very much am attracted to men that take care of their physiques, their minds, and their appearance--things that I am mindfully conscious of in relation to myself. I don't know that there is reason to find fault in such behavior unless it is causing you unhappiness or dissatisfaction?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2009 4:46 AM GMT
    I think hot guys know that people are after them because of there looks. A pretty face is hard to say no to. No everyone like good looking people. Some people think they are plain assholes, or dumb. I think with beautiful people they want someone to stand the test of time. Someone who is really there for them and show them that they really care. Usually with really good deeds. Here in sf you'll see some of the hottest dudes with the most plain tired looking rich boyfriends. I'm not saying it's they are gold diggers what I'm saying you got to rise above the noise to have a really attractive boyfriend. Yet in the end looks don't matter that much is how they make you feel.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 09, 2009 11:19 AM GMT
    Good looks are a plus We have to realize that that's a truth in our world

    BUT ..... they aren't the end of a story
    While they are a plus having an obnoxious narcissistic personality BY FAR outweighs that positive

    Another plus is a kind caring demeanor
    being witty and charming is another
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2009 11:44 AM GMT
    Here's something I'm confused about myself too. Since I'm not one of those guys born with better genes and know it too, I try my best to look past the physical things when looking at a guy...

    ...but I can't.

    The hotter the guy is, the more likely I am to forgive his other shortcomings. The same way that I perceive a confident attractive guy 'hot', while a confident not attractive guy is 'conceited' and 'delusional'. Sure, we make fun of the stereotypical arrogant conceited hot guy rather quickly, but whether we admit it or not, the better looking a person is, the more likely we assume that he is a 'good' guy even before we truly know him.

    icon_neutral.gif It has always bothered me, that a lot of us less attractive guys often accuse hot guys of being shallow and yet we ourselves are just as shallow if not more so.

    It's kinda depressing when you think of it. Ugly to average people go for hot guys, while hot guys go for hot guys too. It's all about the hot guys.

    It's inevitable to be jealous and bitter. The only question is how much you avoid it taking over your life. Because unless you're blissfully ignorant of the undercurrents of your personal interactions (like some... simpler... people are blessed to be, never truly realizing how ugly they are), you're bound to realize that you really will never match up to them... ever. I know, I know, self-pity is self-destructive... but it's true nonetheless. It's why most of the romantic movies featuring hot guys end up getting me depressed even if they do have happy endings. LOL

    Because it's something you know you can never have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2009 12:28 PM GMT
    And every straight White guy in the US wants a big-breasted blonde woman with a tiny waist and long legs, and a face like a beauty queen. All men are very visual, and straight men around the globe will put more emphasis on cultural values regarding appearance compared to what their straight female counterparts want in a man.

    Sure, the girls will go for hunks, too, but they are more likely to temper that attraction with other considerations of income and stability, the ability to provide for a family. A lot of the good discussion above is about how do we gay guys temper our own strong preferential interest for a man which is based perhaps too heavily on looks.

    I don't think interest in looks is shallow per se, but it probably is shallow when we overrate its value, either in others or in ourselves. Of course, that's easy for an older guy like me to say, since age is the Great Equalizer.

    Age diminishes the advantages of the once-beautiful, and masks the flaws of the homely. And experiencing the same leveling effect ourselves, we become less picky in who we'll date. Suddenly other aspects take on much more importance, when looks alone have become a moot point. LOL!

    But what does a younger guy do? I dunno, for myself I'd have at least one fling with a gorgeous, mindless hunk, just to say I had done it, for the ego boost it gave me. Which is exactly what I did. A beautiful TV & movie actor, dumb as a stump, but with a body to die for and great sex. Having gotten that out of my system, I could concentrate on other less handsome guys who were the long-term keepers.

    Sarcasm aside, I know guys do exist who combine all the qualities of looks, mind & personality that we want. But their rarity means we all can't have one, so I think we need strategies to deal more with the realities of life, and our own circumstances. Theory is one thing, life is another.