Sleepovers & Making-Time

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 12:49 PM GMT
    Hola RJ!

    Today's question is about sleepovers and making time for a significant other. I've been with a stud now for about a month. Early on when we we're chatting about likes and dislikes he mentioned that something that really upsets him is when guys he dates don’t make time for him. We chatted about what that meant to him and life moved on.

    I have never dated anyone before and am still adjusting to this. It is great, but I am still very used to having my own time and space. He has slept over 3 times now. None were planned, and I am somewhat uncomfortable having another person in my bed, if I mention this he will be very put-off, but I like him and it is nice to snuggle anyway and it has been a good thing in moderation.

    Today I think I am getting the cold-shoulder because my beau stopped by unexpectedly last night around 9:30 pm, and asked if he could spend the night. I had a stomach ache and said tonight was not a good night for that. I don’t want to set a precedent that this is acceptable anyway, not at a month of dating anyway.

    Am I wrong in wanting to establish that random sleepovers are not something I appreciate? I like the guy a lot, but if me saying no in this scenario is me 'not making time for him' I am concerned. What do you think?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 09, 2009 1:00 PM GMT
    I think a month in is too early to show up and expect to be able to spend the night. For me, 9:30 on a week night would be pushing it for an unexpected visit.

    To me, making time doesn't mean anytime and all the time. It means exactly what it says - making time: setting dates and making plans. A quiet dinner on weeknights, plans for the weekend, etc. Sleepovers when it seems right.

    I think it is important to balance together time with some alone time and friend time.
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    Jun 09, 2009 2:05 PM GMT
    making time should be a thing of mutual respect. with rather clear expectations.

    anyone who pops over unexpectedly, especially early on, should expect that his timing might not be right for his bf.

    you also need to make time for yourself, which is as important, if not more so early in the relationship.

    what good are you gonna be for the bf if you have a stomachache?

    i know you don't want to put him off, but i would encourage you to communicate to him the importance to you of having your space as well - in bed and on your unplanned downtime.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 09, 2009 2:33 PM GMT
    No one should expect you to let them sleep over, and especially because you were sick. It's understandable. If he can't understand that every meeting is dictated by circumstances beyond "I like you" then there's is a major issue in this relationship
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    Jun 09, 2009 2:55 PM GMT
    just to be clear, you told him "I have a tummy ache therefore tonight I prefer to sleep alone" nor merely "tonight isn't good"

    right?
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    Jun 09, 2009 2:55 PM GMT
    What? That is pretty ridiculous. Does the boy keep his tooth brush in his car?

    You said you had a conversation about spending time together. But I don't think you had a conversation about how much time to spend together and when to spend it. Sleepovers are nice. But on a Monday night and uninvited? More important, perhaps, then setting times when it is ok, we live in the magic era of cell phones. Giving you a call before coming over is now a requirement for him seeing you at all.
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    Jun 09, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    I agree with most here and I think you're line of thinking is very good. I think you need to be honest and open and let the chips fall where ever. If you don't you won't be happy and bringing it up later will be awkward. If you do and he's not happy with it then he's not being open, honest and appreciative of you and your feelings. Better to lose him after a month than to be stuck with him for years of unhappiness. He needs to appreciate you for your needs, including alone time, and also after a month it's pretty presumptuous to feel he's entitled to sleeping over and even ruder to get upset with you for saying no. Sounds very controlling to me.
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    Jun 09, 2009 3:10 PM GMT
    original714 saidToday I think I am getting the cold-shoulder because my beau stopped by unexpectedly last night around 9:30 pm, and asked if he could spend the night. I had a stomach ache and said tonight was not a good night for that. I don’t want to set a precedent that this is acceptable anyway, not at a month of dating anyway.

    Am I wrong in wanting to establish that random sleepovers are not something I appreciate? I like the guy a lot, but if me saying no in this scenario is me 'not making time for him' I am concerned. What do you think?

    We are all different, and no one can answer those questions for you. But I'll tell you about me, and you decide for yourself.

    Fuck the calendar. One month, two months, is that even relevant? If a guy wants to join me in bed whom I like, I don't object. Even if I have a stomach ache, I simply tell him that, and let him choose if that makes a difference to him, if maybe that means I don't want to have sex. Perhaps he would be happy to just cuddle; what an important message that is!

    But then I love to have a man in bed with me, and you've already said that's less comfortable for you. I think, though, that over time that will change for you. Why not begin the change now? If you're ever going to have an LTR, you must get used to it eventually. These are the stages of development through which we all pass. They are wonderful and fulfilling; I wouldn't fight them. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 09, 2009 3:17 PM GMT
    I dunno, he sounds a little needy to me, however that's my impression of the scenario! If he's giving you the cold shoulder, then let him stew on it and get over it! He's a big boy!
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    Jun 09, 2009 3:29 PM GMT
    After dating my boyfriend for almost a year now we have found our stride when it comes to making time. I work 2 jobs and insist on making time for my family and friends as well as for him! I think we have all made that mistake at least once in which you completely lose touch with your friends because of the person you are dating. I vowed after I did that to never let it happen again!

    He is totally accepting and understanding of my crazy hectic shedule. We usually spend at least 2 nights during the week seeing each other, one of which is a sleepover. Then all weekend we sleep together, but that doesn't mean we necessarily spend the entire weekend together.

    It works out well for us. As for the dating only for a month thing. I wouldn't stress that. Feelings are feelings, this guy clearly just wants to be around you. Whether someone recognizes it or not, you each need down time. You guys need to just find that happy medium. Explaining that might help!
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Jun 09, 2009 3:57 PM GMT
    I would not be down with the unannounced drop-in sleepover after dating for only one month.

    It doesn't sound to me like he's asking you to "make time" for him. He's demanding your time.

    I think it sounds great that you're both communicating what you want and what your boundaries are. If he's going to be upset when you insist on your boundaries, then there's a clear disconnect.
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    Jun 09, 2009 4:13 PM GMT



    I can only speak about this from my own and Bill's perspective and experience.
    If either of had shown up at the other's door at any time it would be a big happy.
    No illness could stand in the way of it, or mood.

    This, because we fell head over heels for each other pretty fast, and are also very similar in needs.

    You're just dating casually, so boundaries need to be set up, in a kind way of course! lol

    Try the coast to coast rule. We have that with friends. Tell him to always imagine you live on one coast and he the other. A phone call is always advised before a visit to save all that time and money on travel and air-fare, eh? icon_wink.gif


    -Doug

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 5:49 PM GMT
    You're lucky to have him, sounds like he really enjoys being around you.


    Lucky...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    Why didn't you just tell him you had a stomach ache.
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    Jun 09, 2009 6:00 PM GMT
    shalom!
    your beau seems needy! do not allow him to make you move faster than you want to move. It is perfectly acceptable to tell him to go home if he showed up unannounced! that its very inconsiderate and rude of him!
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    Jun 09, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    In a new relationship, a common problem is that one of the guys expectations may not only not match the other's, but worse, may be presumed to be the norm.

    I would never show up unexpectedly at anyone's home. Even family. It's rude to put someone in a position of being suddenly, unexpectedly and unpreparedly in the role of the host. I know of people that expect people to show up unexpectedly, perhaps due to their profession (i.e. public service), but that doesn't make it any more acceptable for me to show up unannounced.

    The only exceptions are true emergencies. "Your house is on fire.", "Close friend or relative is in the hospital." "There's a tornado coming this way." etc.

    This is typically not a problem for me since I'm usually clear about my boundries of my home and most everyone I know has enough common sense to maintain this as part of a group of common courtesies. If someone told me to just come over and not to call first, I'd honor that as well, but I'd never assume that it was the default action in common social propriety.

    Now if I'm at that point in a relationship where I give a key to my BF, then he can come and go as he pleases. If I've given him the key then I trust him and the simple trust and intimacy of the relationship would preclude the need for that boundry.

    I don't think there's a time frame to determine that. That's up to you and him. But like commitment, it needs to be stated out loud, and understood by both.

    As for making time, you both have to understand and accept each other's needs. One of you may require more 'alone' time than the other. You have to communicate that and, more importantly, accept and honor it. The point is, that if it's an issue to only one of you, then it's an issue that you both have to deal with. (This applies to any difference between two people that are or want to be together.)

    When the fit is right between two, then that is ideal. I just wouldn't want to jeopardize it by assuming that he thinks exactly the same way I do.
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    Jun 09, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    If you explain it like you did for us, no reasonable b/f would have a problem with it.
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    Jun 09, 2009 7:26 PM GMT
    First, I did tell him about the stomach ache for all of those who mentioned it.
    __________

    So after many text exchanges this morning that may have exacerbated the situation, he found time in his busy day to meet me for lunch. I laid it out for him like I did for you and he apologized and said the cold shoulder bit was just to see if I'd feel guilty, etc. Well, that led into a nice chat of what i appreciate and don't, etc., and we are on good footing again. We also discussed expectations and that I know he has dated before and is eager to move faster and before I finished my sentence he expressed understanding, apologized said he was playing around a little and reminded me of what i had said earlier about our inability to have text conversations; we always end up annoyed with one another. A key outcome was that my wanting time aloe is not a rejection of him, but a personal need. He fully understood but still played coy.

    For the moment, all is well. No doubt more drama will rain on our parade but it is a learning experience. I like him a lot. I had truly set an expectation of living a life along, which I was content with and he is changing my mind. I’m so weak, lol.
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    Jun 09, 2009 7:42 PM GMT
    he apologized and said the cold shoulder bit was just to see if I'd feel guilty

    Red flags going up here!
    In my experience this can't be good.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 09, 2009 8:04 PM GMT
    Oooohboy .... am I getting passive aggressive manipulative red flags HERE icon_eek.gif

    Someone TELLS you that they were put off by other BF's because they didn't MAKE time for them?

    And what were you supposed to do with that little piece of info?
    After being together for only a month
    he shows up unexpectedly and asks to stay the NIGHT?????

    and gives you the cold shoulder?

    MY man..... get it together and think as to why you want to be with this dude
    because if he ain't absolutely astounding in bed .... you're getting the short end of the stick
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:16 PM GMT
    i'm in a situation where the guy says he really likes me a lot but he in reality he never makes time for me. When i call him on this he goes on and on with excuses why he does not have time for me ( ill parents, friends, job etc. etc. ) I can top each of his excuses with a better one myself but i can make time for him. So i have decided to forget him. People make choices where to spend their time . We use circumstances to make excuses or decisions for us.
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:27 PM GMT
    Dude... cold shoulder isnt something MEN do... that's somethings gay boys do... so go ahead and continue dating the psycho if thats cool... sleeping over is something you do after coming home from dinner on a saturday night and you crawl into bed after a movie... not something you show up for unannounced...
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:30 PM GMT
    original714 saidFor the moment, all is well. No doubt more drama will rain on our parade but it is a learning experience. I like him a lot. I had truly set an expectation of living a life along, which I was content with and he is changing my mind. I’m so weak, lol.

    How sweet! I'm very happy for you! It's true that this situation can be interpreted in many ways, both positive & negative. Some of those posting here will be right, and some wrong. It's hard to judge these things by written words alone, without seeing the 2 of you interacting together.

    However this develops, there are 2 positive outcomes: you've either found yourself a boyfriend, or you're about to learn a lesson about why things sometimes don't work out, a lesson you can apply to the next time. Even when you lose in the short term, you ultimately win in the long, if you pay attention to the things that happen to you as you move through life.

    I hope you struck gold on this occasion. Some of this sounds good to me. And quite frankly, I'm very jealous. I remember my first gay dating experiences, and I had my ups & downs, too. But in retrospect it was so thrilling, so wonderful, that I wouldn't trade it for anything. You're only a dating novice once; enjoy it, and keep smiling. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:50 PM GMT
    Uh oh, I think some of what you are saying is spot on, but i don’t want to be premature. And of course he is awesome in bed, but I barely know what i am doing, lol. if you have any little tricks or secrets to share, spill'em (should I start a new thread?)

    He also told me in a conversation after my last post that he can be possessive. i said I don’t care for that and won't tolerate it. He became silent in our yahoo chat.

    I have found that our in person conversation are great and we connect. Our e-conversations are often ill-fated.

    Thanks for all the feedback guys!
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    Jun 09, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    original714 saidI have found that our in person conversation are great and we connect. Our e-conversations are often ill-fated.


    Don't ever, ever, ever, never, ever have those chats any other way than face to face.