Straight best friend doesn't seem so "straight" anymore..

  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Jun 09, 2009 5:23 PM GMT
    I need my RJ friends to help me clear my mind and think!
    Here we go:

    My best friend attends the same University as me, we met middle of my freshman year in our writing class and hit it off immediately. I thought I was picking up gay-vibes right from the start so pursued since he was really cute and great to be around.

    I find out more about him, and he starts dating this girl who I'm also good friends with. The two often has "relations", as a healthy young adult relationship would, and I think "oh damn, another breeder, oh well" and hes a great friend so I just put my emotions on the backburner.

    Heres where it gets strange. He flirts with me ALL the time, often when others are around as well (including his girlfriend). Whenever we sit together he's practically sitting on top of me, always leaning on me or resting his head on my shoulder or what have you. He's come to me asking if I had any gay porn and if we could watch it together, which we have. He's asked me to be in a threesome with him and his girlfriend and shown interest in just having sex with me. Hes held my hand in public, hes kissed me on the cheek in public, and weve cuddled (spooned) on more than one occasion while going to bed. He often tells me he loves me and tells me how good I look.

    I've asked him straight up if he was bisexual or gay and he said flat out no. All my friends thought he was my "secret boyfriend" for quite a while, even a bunch of people on my dorms floor who thought I was straight asked my friends if me and my friend were "together".


    I really like him as more than a friend, and hes ok with that, but these actions don't indicate that hes straight at all (from my perspective)

    I have no idea what to make of this.. Any suggestions or advice on how to proceed?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 09, 2009 5:34 PM GMT
    First I'm going to say that how he defines himself is up to him, not anyone else. It's right the GLBT community has always fought for and should respect.

    That said, you should basically proceed with this however you want.

    Can you have sex with him without being emotionally invested? Will you fall for him (more than you already have)? It's been my experience once sex enters the equation, the friendship will never be the same again.

    In your shoes, I'd go for it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 5:40 PM GMT
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Situational_sexual_behavior
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heteroflexible
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klein_Sexual_Orientation_Grid
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pomosexual

    And two words: It's college! icon_lol.gif

    So I say go for it too.

    Don't worry about sexual orientations, worry more about how pursuing this further might affect your future relationship. Would it be for the better or for the worse? Because that's the more important question. Human sexuality is fluid.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 7:48 PM GMT
    gay
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 7:54 PM GMT
    Way deep in the closet, something is stopping him from skipping over his own imaginary line of straight/gay (though from what you say he has step on the line on more than one occasion). What's his relationship with his folks and family. What are his fears?

    I'd say go for it, again. How, what would you do to uninhibit him (don't get him drunk but have a glass of wine)? You know him, Right? Shit, you've watch gay porn with him. If that wasn't opportunity enough. Pull out the porn again and jump on his shit.

    Or it could just be that you personally value his friendship more than a romantic relationship, so you've held back. In which case you should ease off the psuedo sexual situations. No spooning, no gay porn, or other shit that you deem as gay, if done by two men.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 7:56 PM GMT
    Gay. Although he may not know it yet. But if he has sex with you, the friendship will probably end. Which do you value more: the friendship or a sexual encounter? Let him come to terms with himself. Be there for him. He'll need a true friend to help him come to grips with being gay. And then after he accepts himself and the friendship is intact, then maybe you can take it to the next level.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 09, 2009 7:57 PM GMT
    Since you're the one being "used" in this relationship
    what I would do in this case is tell this guy

    WTF..... ?

    If he ain't gay then what's the point of this continuing

    Sounds like he finds it titillating to skirt the fence
    but then denies it when the shit hits the fan

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:03 PM GMT
    When are gay guys going to stop trying to emulate TV sitcoms stereotypes.
    For Christ sakes "LOVE THE ONE YOU ARE WITH" . CSNY
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:06 PM GMT
    GAY is something WE MAKE UP. You didn't ask him if he likes certain guys as more than just friends... you asked if he was gay or bi... I went to a high school (not so much my college though) where guys did wierd shit with eachother all the time. And none of them described themselves as bi. They were straight men who happened to have strong emotional or sexual bonds with other straight men.

    That said, go about this carefully. Would his girlfriend know he was sleeping with you if he did? Does he plan on meeting a nice girl and settling down and popping out kids someday? Would it upset you if you slept with him and he then stopped because he was dating a girl that didn't want him sleeping with you?

    You may be that one guy in the world that turns him on, or he might be just another college student exploring his sexuality. Human sexuality is a funny thing- it can't be put on a grid, it can't be measured specifically... it is an important part of emotional and physical bonds and -if you leave it at that- can make a very meaningful part of a friendship.

    Good luck with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:06 PM GMT
    Jayne,

    It is best you take a deep breath and start to admit to yourself that there is a chance this isn't going to end in some fairy-tail style. A lot of us have fallen head-over-heels for a close friend, those are the hardest since we know the person so well. I did once and EricLA gave me good advice which should be passed on. Just tell him no.

    What is problematic in your relationship is the overt displays of affection coupled with his statement (or denial) of bisexuality or gay. Like Timberoo said, you must respect his self-definition.

    You need to tell him that his extensive flirting and suggestive actions really do lead you on to "hope" for something that cannot happen since he (as claimed) isn't gay. If he is a good friend, you need to be honest. You cannot hope for what isn't likely (seeing as though he is straight).

    Ya it is crappy, but his physical actions are setting you up for a very, very large downfall. For the good and health of your friendship, it would be best to try and eliminate the strong physicality in your relationship.

    I have seen this a lot, I mean A LOT and can elaborate more in private messages if you would like, but for your own mental and emotional strength, take a step back, breath, and reassess the situation objectively/

    GL
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    We're perhaps entering into a new era when clear distinctions between sexual orientation are starting to blur, and may remain blurred. The Metrosexual phenomenon may have been the tip of the iceberg.

    He could be gay, or bi, or some new kind of fluid sexuality that doesn't fit the old definitions. When you ask him is he gay or bi he may be unable to answer you accurately, because he honestly doesn't know. He'll say straight because that's the safe standard answer.

    I suspect as sexual taboos fall, the discreet boundaries we once used to delineate orientation will become fuzzy and more situational. Sex can be with the person in whose company you are, not in whose orientation society tells you.

    I wouldn't pass up any boyfriend opportunities with others over this guy, but if the opening presents itself, you could give it a try. If nothing else you might have an interesting trick, and occasional fuck buddy.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 09, 2009 8:15 PM GMT
    Very interesting character that one is...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:19 PM GMT
    Next time you 2 are alone and there is something like that going on, just kiss him full on and see what happens. If he gets mad all you need to do is point out the gay porn and other incidents and say, "You're a cock-tease."
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    Jun 09, 2009 8:21 PM GMT
    What has happened if you've spent time with another guy? Has he become a little jealous?

    I'd avoid sex with him. He knows you're gay, right? I'd hate to make an assumption, but I've seen "straight" pursuers snub a fellow because they discover their pursuee is gay. Strange, I know, but maybe he's attracted to you because it would be meaningless (to him) if you had sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 9:08 PM GMT
    Dude, you need to RUN, not walk, the other way. It's all fine and good for the guys above to say "labels are crap" and "let him define himself how he wants" but if you're emotionally invested in him and getting more so due to his actions, you're setting yourself up for a WORLD of hurt when he says "Psyche!"

    I say this because I was in your exact shoes once upon a time. You were smart to ask him straight up how he identified himself. This is a case in which words ARE more important than actions. If he cannot bring himself to even consider the possibility that he's bi (i.e. capable of both emotional and physical attraction to both genders), then he's never going to really allow anything of significance to happen with you.

    You might have a relationship with him but you will never be IN a relationship with him, if that makes sense. At the end of the day, and I know this might sound harsh, you're a diversion, an amusement, and a pressure valve for his same-sex inclinations but he's always going to go back to his girlfriend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2009 9:23 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidFirst I'm going to say that how he defines himself is up to him, not anyone else. It's right the GLBT community has always fought for and should respect.

    That said, you should basically proceed with this however you want.

    Can you have sex with him without being emotionally invested? Will you fall for him (more than you already have)? It's been my experience once sex enters the equation, the friendship will never be the same again.

    In your shoes, I'd go for it.




    AMEN!!!!!!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 09, 2009 9:31 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidFirst I'm going to say that how he defines himself is up to him, not anyone else. It's right the GLBT community has always fought for and should respect.

    That said, you should basically proceed with this however you want.

    Can you have sex with him without being emotionally invested? Will you fall for him (more than you already have)? It's been my experience once sex enters the equation, the friendship will never be the same again.

    In your shoes, I'd go for it.


    I agree with Timber. Forget what your friend says, judge him by his actions. And his actions seem to say "take me, I'm yours."

    It sounds like he's given you plenty of opportunities to make your move. I'm not sure I'd be as patient. I'd either grab the bull by the horn, so to speak, or if I was afraid of being hurt I'd set up some boundaries limiting the physical contact.

    But heed Timber's warnings. If you're looking for a boyfriend, this guy is likely not a good fit. If you're looking for one-time fun or maybe a friend with benefits sort of thing, he might be a good candidate. But you'd be well advised to leave your emotional attachments at the bedroom door. And I agree that if you go down this road, the friendship will never be the same. Some friends can navigate that sort of thing, others can't.

    The choice is yours.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
    i think its the fact that humans must label everything in this world is one of the first steps toward corruption. he obviously likes you and wants to be with you as he currently sticks around. but he doesnt have to be "gay" "bi" or "straight". would it kill you so much to know that maybe out of the whole male race that he was only into you. i would say you have something special on your hands.
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jun 23, 2009 6:54 PM GMT
    Honesty makes the world go 'round.

    I think you need to talk with him. Tell him how much it bothers you-- tell him he's wrecked you to the point of posting on a blog site for advice.

    Do not have sex with him. Sometimes, people avoid confronting their own issues, and in the process, they become abusive toward other people's emotions and mental well-being. He may or may not realize what he's doing to you-- but that is irrelevant. You're falling in love with him, and it's easier to just avoid the conversation that you need to have and pretend that this is the end of the road, and that you'll live happily ever after. But you're tormenting yourself, and he's tormenting you. There are no happy endings to miserable journeys.

    None of us can go through life this way. Don't fear the inevitable, and don't prolong this torture. Have the conversation. At least you'll have a chance at getting to know each other within the boundaries of an honest friendship, and you never know what that may turn into in the long run.

    Stay strong ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 1:51 AM GMT
    If he's not Gay or Bi...he's Down Loicon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 2:16 AM GMT
    GQjock saidSince you're the one being "used" in this relationship
    what I would do in this case is tell this guy

    WTF..... ?

    If he ain't gay then what's the point of this continuing

    Sounds like he finds it titillating to skirt the fence
    but then denies it when the shit hits the fan



    WTF... are relationships with guys to you all about whether you can be f***ed/f*** them? That's pretty messed up...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 12:30 PM GMT
    oh lord this sooooooo sounds like a few of my mates who are ever so very very affectionate with me, to some inappropriately so.

    Guys, straight, gay, bi, green, blue or pink, all want attention, both emotional, physical and sexual, they want it from both sexes and we all go about it differently depending on who we are with, just watch your self around guys and watch guys around each other and girls (especially in platonic relationships)

    guys are guys, we like the same shit, we like being sexual objects as much as we like being a mate and we like being loved and shown affection.

    just let him be and don't push for anything, its probably just him being comfortable and relaxed around you which is a great thing!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 12:50 PM GMT
    Ok the reason I went ahead and created another profile for this website was to post something very similar. So if get a chance go ahead and read that post when
    I post it.

    I'm going to put it this way. I've been through it and if its anything like my situation, he is attracted to you but won't admit it.

    that being sad don't waste your time until he can truly give you what you need.
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    Jun 24, 2009 1:20 PM GMT
    GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP! PRONTO! IT WILL ONLT GET WORSE....TELL HIM TO BACK THE FUCK OFF A BIT...FIND A REAL GUY WHO IS GUY, OR JUST ANYONEELSE AND GET YO MUTHAFUCKIN MIND OFF OF HIM...OR YOU CAN DO WHAT I DID AND STAYED CLOSE TO HIM TILL IIT BLOOMS INTO A FUCKED, BULL SHIT RELATIONSHIP (BOYFRIEND) UNTILL HE BREAKS YOUR HEART, AND LEAVES IN 5 MILLION LITTLE PIECES. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT AND RUN!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 10:24 PM GMT
    general question..


    Why is a straight guy not allowed to be attracted to another guy?