How much in common do you have to have with someone to be compatible?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2009 4:10 AM GMT
    After having two recent failed attempts at finding the right guy, I recently came across the right one (thus far). We've only hung out twice, the first time we talked for a few hours over coffee, the second time we went to dinner and walked around for awhile. Really cute, loyal, sweet (he wouldn't let me pay for dinner), not involved in a lot of drama, and he seems to have all of his priorities in order.

    When I first heard his name, it was through a friend who was thinking of decent guys he knew in the area that may be a good match since at the time I was head over heels for a guy who ended up being a complete jerk. So, he mentioned this one guy and fussed about how great he was - great place, looks, basically the entire package. But, he didn't want to give me his number for whatever reason. He had dated this guy briefly about a year or two prior for about two weeks, before his actual age of 34 was revealed.

    So, I ended up getting in touch with him and met up basically on a blind date kind of thing. Things went great for both of us and now we're both looking to get more serious with one another.

    Excited, I shared this with my friend who originally mentioned him who at first was like "oh, that's great, he's a really nice guy." But, later he said it wouldn't work out since I'm 19 and he's 21... what was I going to do when he wanted to go to the bar on a Saturday night with his friends. To which my response was, I have my own life and my own friends, so that wouldn't really be a problem. His overall attitude was that we didn't have enough in common and that I should "have fun, but not get too attached because it probably wouldn't work out since we don't share enough in common."

    Do you think he has a valid point or am I right in that we will still be two individual people and me not being able to go to a bar or us not sharing the exact same career interests and hobbies won't interfere with our compatibility with one another?
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    Jun 10, 2009 5:22 AM GMT
    I guess it depends on how important it is for him to go to the bar every saturday night. If it is too important, you don't want him. You seem at least as mature as him or even more since some nights apart doesn't make you jealous, anxious, resentful, or whatever.

    In any case, success will be helped along when the commonalities outweigh the difference. Think about your differences and commonalities, and try to assign a weight to each one. Right now it sounds like being in the bar on a Saturday night carries a very large value for him and outweighs a lot of things you have in common.
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:19 AM GMT
    Thanks for the reply!

    He's actually not all about going out to bars every weekend, for example, he's currently not drinking for 30 days to help support a friend who has been having some problems with alcohol. I think my "friend was just trying to point out that he might want to do things on occasion that I wouldn't be able to partake in (i.e. going to a bar). He also has a very good job for someone his age (computer networking), so he has more money to spend than I do, since I'm just a college student. So, basically my friends point was that I wouldn't be able to keep up with him financially or in the sense of age restricted activities. Which apparently means we wouldn't work out. However, neither of these issues even crossed my mine until my friend pointed them out.

    So, I guess I'm not sure if his points are valid or if he's just saying them to spite me.

    From my original perspective, I thought we shared a lot in common. Maybe not the specifics, but in general - going out to dinner, cuddling and watching movies, going to the beach, etc.

    And no, him going out with his friends to drink on occasion without me would not bother me. I feel like it's important to still remain individuals when you're in a relationship and it's okay to have different interests that you partake in without your partner.
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:41 AM GMT
    I think opposites attract.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jun 10, 2009 4:58 PM GMT

    Perhaps there's more to this than meets the eye, but for me, it's all about being with someone who enjoys you for who you are.

    But also someone willing to compromise their, at times, id-driven desires. In general, it takes the realization of building something worthwhile and lasting with the other person; such as a home, a family - if that's the particular case, etc.
  • DrewT

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    Jun 10, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    Sounds like the guy who introduced you is jealous.
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    Jun 10, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    123Blue saidAfter having two recent failed attempts at finding the right guy,



    All you YOUNG lads, QUIT with this SHIT!! For god's sake you're 19!!!! Go have fun! Go do stupid things so those of us who have already been there done that can look at you and go "Damn! Those early years KICKED my ass but were FUN!" Why are you guys so hung up on this crap??? Look, he'll come when he comes in the mean time just grow up!

    It's a good thing the "older" guy didn't want to "marry" you now!
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    Jun 10, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    a1972guy said
    123Blue saidAfter having two recent failed attempts at finding the right guy,



    All you YOUNG lads, QUIT with this SHIT!! For god's sake you're 19!!!! Go have fun!


    Bravo! I think I'm on attempt number 2,536.
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    Jun 10, 2009 5:30 PM GMT


    Cher: (from Clueless) He does dress better than I do, what would I bring to the relationship?

    I think that you just have to have enough commonality to form a strong bond. I would say that you should generally share about half of your interests as a guideline.

    If you don't have enough in common you will never spend any time together or if you do so it will be begrudgingly on either side. If you have too much in common, you are going to bore each other to death or possibly become so intertwined that you shut out the rest of the world.

    Everything in moderation. I like peoples differences, I have learned so much from that alone.

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    Jun 10, 2009 5:38 PM GMT
    a1972guy said
    123Blue saidAfter having two recent failed attempts at finding the right guy,



    All you YOUNG lads, QUIT with this SHIT!! For god's sake you're 19!!!! Go have fun! Go do stupid things so those of us who have already been there done that can look at you and go "Damn! Those early years KICKED my ass but were FUN!" Why are you guys so hung up on this crap??? Look, he'll come when he comes in the mean time just grow up!

    It's a good thing the "older" guy didn't want to "marry" you now!


    Yeah, I couldn't disagree more. Perhaps the one that should "quit with this shit" is you, eh?

    There's no dynamic experience--no objectively-necessitated timeline to growing up--that is the 'gay' experience. That's the beauty of it. It's subjectively defined. Personally I'm a bit sick of all the "go have fun" mentality that subjugates fun to a very limited concept that isn't inclusive of meaningful interaction. WTF? It's great that some of us have had those early 'goof off' years, but an equal amount (if not more) of us have had differing experience. Offer your opinion but respect the idea that experiences--as people--differ, eh?

    Back to the OP: Compatibility is anything but commonality, per se, but once again, subjectivity defines such things. That question of yours is best answered by you. Probably not a great idea to second-guess this early, in my opinion, as you're just opening yourself up to insecurity (and by posting here, other-defined insecurity that may or may not resonate with you). All men are NOT created equal. Realize that if you have an interest in someone, only you can define how much you need to have in common to define compatibility. There may be an issue with your age difference in relation to bar environments, but bars are only one minute instance of living. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 10, 2009 5:49 PM GMT
    The only thing you need in common is attraction. There is no external metric with which you can measure hos successful a relationship will be. Relationships are successful until they are not and that is true if you date for a week or you get married for thirty years.

    Just date, have fun, become a better person, and don't worry about the future because it is coming straight at you no matter what.
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    Jun 10, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    Needing stuff in common? Not much, but then again I am pretty independent and open minded. All I ask is that they be smart and not the least bit materialistic. I rarely find it difficult to get into the things my partner gets into. I'm open to lots of new ideas and experiences.

    That said, I can tell when I am losing my trust or confidence in a partner when I become somewhat resistant to appreciating or partaking in the things they are into.

    I have hunch that some of the longest and most rewarding relationships are full of spaces to fill between the two partners. Filling those spaces and coming together on differences can help keep a relationship exciting over the long term, because one person or the other has a new experience each time.
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    Jun 10, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    This is a question people ask at all ages. The 21 versus 19 thing is total BS. If that matters than he's not the right guy. What matters is your quality time outside the bedroom. Ask yourself this: would you hang with this guy if there were no physical attraction. What would you do together?
  • gymguy81

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    Jun 10, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    if he focused on the resons u wouldent work hes not serious
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:01 PM GMT
    Things in common and compatibility are two different issues. Don't confuse them.

    You can have have a lot in common with someone and be completely incompatible. You can have very little in common and have amazing compatibility.

    Having things in common between you is only important if those things are the basis on which you relate to him, or the way he relates to you.

    Compatibility is the key. The differences are those things that you both can bring to a relationship. They add to it. They give it interest.

    Personally, I like someone who is not just like me. The compatibility issue is one of values, attitude, and passion. Not flavors, schedules and rules. I know this, he knows that and together we are a force to be reckoned with.
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    RandyMan said
    a1972guy said
    123Blue saidAfter having two recent failed attempts at finding the right guy,



    All you YOUNG lads, QUIT with this SHIT!! For god's sake you're 19!!!! Go have fun! Go do stupid things so those of us who have already been there done that can look at you and go "Damn! Those early years KICKED my ass but were FUN!" Why are you guys so hung up on this crap??? Look, he'll come when he comes in the mean time just grow up!

    It's a good thing the "older" guy didn't want to "marry" you now!


    Yeah, I couldn't disagree more. Perhaps the one that should "quit with this shit" is you, eh?

    icon_wink.gif


    Look, these threads seem to be inundated with these younger guys so dead set on finding "the one" and being devastated when after a few months or attempts seem at a complete loss! Maybe I'm coming at it too aggressive about it, however if these younger guys would just relax and chill, live their life, continue on with their experience and not be so hung up on finding "the one" they would probably find him. And maybe I was just brought up to be more focused on me and my happiness and taught that as long as you're good with yourself then that other person will come right along.
    So quit with my shit? No. Calm down and not come so aggressive about? Ok, I can dig that.
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:09 PM GMT
    RuggerATX saidNeeding stuff in common? Not much.....


    This is true!
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    i have to have at least 70 percent similar interest. otherwise ill get bored and loose overall interest. i don't like being this way icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    a1972guy said
    RandyMan said
    a1972guy said
    123Blue saidAfter having two recent failed attempts at finding the right guy,



    All you YOUNG lads, QUIT with this SHIT!! For god's sake you're 19!!!! Go have fun! Go do stupid things so those of us who have already been there done that can look at you and go "Damn! Those early years KICKED my ass but were FUN!" Why are you guys so hung up on this crap??? Look, he'll come when he comes in the mean time just grow up!

    It's a good thing the "older" guy didn't want to "marry" you now!


    Yeah, I couldn't disagree more. Perhaps the one that should "quit with this shit" is you, eh?

    icon_wink.gif


    Look, these threads seem to be inundated with these younger guys so dead set on finding "the one" and being devastated when after a few months or attempts seem at a complete loss! Maybe I'm coming at it too aggressive about it, however if these younger guys would just relax and chill, live their life, continue on with their experience and not be so hung up on finding "the one" they would probably find him. And maybe I was just brought up to be more focused on me and my happiness and taught that as long as you're good with yourself then that other person will come right along.
    So quit with my shit? No. Calm down and not come so aggressive about? Ok, I can dig that.


    What you missed, at very least, is that age has NOTHING to do with devestation in relation to "finding the one." Let's be serious. I know many older men that suffer similar, if not greater, devastation in less time for similar reasoning (and I'm sure you do as well). Yeah, maybe they don't talk about it as much as age seems to also spur greater humility (or embarrassment, jadedness, shame, etc.) but age-defined youth and experientially-defined youthfulness aren't as age-specific as they once were. My point is that there is no idealized gay experience, particularly as younger gay men are 'coming out' at earlier (and earlier!) ages and experiencing a great deal more than most of ours and previous generations had by their age.
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:33 PM GMT
    RandyMan said
    a1972guy said
    RandyMan said
    a1972guy said
    123Blue saidAfter having two recent failed attempts at finding the right guy,



    All you YOUNG lads, QUIT with this SHIT!! For god's sake you're 19!!!! Go have fun! Go do stupid things so those of us who have already been there done that can look at you and go "Damn! Those early years KICKED my ass but were FUN!" Why are you guys so hung up on this crap??? Look, he'll come when he comes in the mean time just grow up!

    It's a good thing the "older" guy didn't want to "marry" you now!


    Yeah, I couldn't disagree more. Perhaps the one that should "quit with this shit" is you, eh?

    icon_wink.gif


    Look, these threads seem to be inundated with these younger guys so dead set on finding "the one" and being devastated when after a few months or attempts seem at a complete loss! Maybe I'm coming at it too aggressive about it, however if these younger guys would just relax and chill, live their life, continue on with their experience and not be so hung up on finding "the one" they would probably find him. And maybe I was just brought up to be more focused on me and my happiness and taught that as long as you're good with yourself then that other person will come right along.
    So quit with my shit? No. Calm down and not come so aggressive about? Ok, I can dig that.


    What you missed, at very least, is that age has NOTHING to do with devestation in relation to "finding the one." Let's be serious. I know many older men that suffer similar, if not greater, devastation in less time for similar reasoning (and I'm sure you do as well). Yeah, maybe they don't talk about it as much as age seems to also spur greater humility (or embarrassment, jadedness, shame, etc.) but age-defined youth and experientially-defined youthfulness aren't as age-specific as they once were.



    RandyMan....

    I didn't miss that and I TOTALLY get what you're saying and TOTALLY agree with you! Hell I didn't come out til I was 26! As you stated, "My point is that there is no idealized gay experience, particularly as younger gay men are 'coming out' at earlier (and earlier!) ages and experiencing a great deal more than most of ours and previous generations had by their age." AMEN!! My thing is that time and time again we see these younger guys who just seem SO hell bent on finding "him" and get SO frustrated about it. It's just being in my mid-30's you realize that really NONE of that matters and yes those dating experiences will allow you to grow and so on, however at 18-25 there's SO much out there for you/them! To find someone to date is wonderful yet at that age understand that the probability of it being forever is pretty low.
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    awe hunny... that type of age difference should matter. i was with a guy for 5 and half years. he was 21 and i was 18 when we first started dating (not part of the 5 and a half). anyway, we ended up making a life for each other. the only problem with trying to get serious at that age is that you tend to grow up and sometimes grow apart icon_smile.gif it can be a good growing experience though (: im rooting for you (:
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    jrunner25 said the only problem with trying to get serious at that age is that you tend to grow up and sometimes grow apart icon_smile.gif it can be a good growing experience though (: im rooting for you (:



    That's ALL I'm saying......
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    In general, I find with my closest and fondest of friends that we have many similar interests in common, but our personalities differ, which I enjoy a great deal. I would probably "kill" someone just like me. LOL icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    as far as how compatible you have to be... ummm some things need to be there such as where you like to spend time and what you like to do with it. Its merely for the sake of spending time together. The rest learn from and enrich each other from your differences and build from you common ground (:
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    Jun 10, 2009 6:44 PM GMT
    it depends, it just isnt common interest, but also personality. For me I like a lot of common interest, but also want my partner to be different from me and show me new ways of thinking or new things to do. But more important, want kindess, compassion, shared goals etc.