Closure......

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    Jun 11, 2009 1:00 AM GMT
    How important is it that you receive closure in a previous relationship, and how do you react if your previous partner doesn’t give it?

  • Pheo

    Posts: 198

    Jun 11, 2009 1:09 AM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidHow important is it that you receive closure in a previous relationship, and how do you react if your previous partner doesn’t give it?



    Depends on what happened. If the guy cheats on me I have all I need. If he just ups and leaves for no reason at all... I usually ask them questions. If they don't answer them, they never loved me to begin with, but the real closure is within yourself.
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    Jun 11, 2009 1:15 AM GMT
    Closure isn't given from the other partner; it's something you find in yourself.

    Always.
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    Jun 11, 2009 1:19 AM GMT
    Out of curiosity, what do you mean when you say "closure"?
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    Jun 11, 2009 2:00 AM GMT
    I'm with Ruggie - Closure isn't something that can be given by the now-ex. Closure is something you must own totally yourself. Of course you can grieve, but that's a separate emotion/act.

    If he left the relationship, for whatever reason, then you need to find closure on your own. You are the only one responsible for moving your life forward.
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    Jun 11, 2009 2:23 AM GMT
    Closure, for me, only comes when I can get beyond the "WHY". I have had to work on not being so analytical and realize that sometimes, it is what it is and move on. A lot of times, there really isn't a why even though we look for it.
  • BeingThePhoen...

    Posts: 1157

    Jun 11, 2009 2:42 AM GMT
    I agree with the consensus. Closure isn't likely to come from the ex. You have to bring the closure to you. When the ex does give you closure, (this rarely ever happens) then BONUS, but when he doesn't it just goes to show how selfish he really was to begin with. Once you realize his selfishness, you have your closure.
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    Jun 11, 2009 2:46 AM GMT
    Usually when I 'closure' the door I have the closure I need. icon_lol.gif Okay, KIDDING! icon_wink.gif

    I'm with ObsceneWish re: what you mean by closure?
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    Jun 11, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    RandyMan said I'm with ObsceneWish re: what you mean by closure?

    If a relationship ends abruptly you may spend some time asking yourself was it this, was it that. This is self-torture and it delays the healing process by keeping your thoughts focused on your ex. There may actually be no real answer but you'll never know for sure without an exit interview, however painful that may be.
  • BeingThePhoen...

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    Jun 11, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    RandyMan said I'm with ObsceneWish re: what you mean by closure?

    If a relationship ends abruptly you may spend some time asking yourself was it this, was it that. This is self-torture and it delays the healing process by keeping your thoughts focused on your ex. There may actually be no real answer but you'll never know for sure without an exit interview, however painful that may be.


    "Exit interview", I like that.
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    Jun 11, 2009 3:05 AM GMT
    100 % important. otherwise I freak out.
  • Sirkit

    Posts: 182

    Jun 11, 2009 3:19 AM GMT
    I don't particularly need to know why someone has decided to end a relationship (unless it's me of course). In most cases I'd rather not hear about why things didn't work out from the other persons perspective because in the end they just didn't; move on.
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jun 11, 2009 3:57 AM GMT
    This is a forbidden word.
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Jun 11, 2009 3:58 AM GMT
    As long as I was honest and faithful then I need nothing from them and the one time I broke up with my ex I really tried to be as open gentel as I could but it all ways hurts a little no matter how it ends.
  • BeingThePhoen...

    Posts: 1157

    Jun 11, 2009 4:08 AM GMT
    I think it is kinda like death. We can't believe someone so close to us is suddenly gone. We ask ourselves why. Why did this happen to me/you/him/her? You think there is rhyme or reason, but sometimes its best not knowing. Just know that you did what you could and it just didn't work out. Not all things in life do workout. I'm not religous, but I do firmly believe that all things happen for a reason. Any loss makes you stronger and wiser.
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    Jun 11, 2009 4:53 AM GMT

    I'm more concerned with full disclosure.

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    Jun 11, 2009 4:56 AM GMT
    It's important to get closure for sure. You need to know that there is no chance of reviving the relationship so that you can move on without hesitation. Some people are not man enough to tell you the truth, they will just stop contact, which is cruel. You then have this lingering thought that he may change his mind some day. However, if it were me once I've made efforts to contact him and know for sure that he intentionally didn't return my calls, then I make the decision that I will not put up with this kind of disrespect. My time is not worth wasting on such immature people.

    In reality I've always gotten some kind of exit interview or understanding when someone I was dating decided to break off. The fact that I will be satisfied with a straight answer and will not continue to latch on makes it easier for them to give me the answer. In hindsight I've always found better things after moving on.
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    Jun 11, 2009 8:52 AM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidHow important is it that you receive closure in a previous relationship, and how do you react if your previous partner doesn’t give it?



    Get Up

    Turn Around

    And WALK AWAY.

    There you go.
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    Jun 11, 2009 12:12 PM GMT
    jprichva said Oy. This is about how no one will simply accept that life is often unfair.
    ....
    Closure is a myth. There is no such thing. There can be healing, but this fantasy that we can just wrap up our emotions and get someone to give us
    answers to our disappointments is just sad. We don't get answers. We move along anyway, or we don't.

    JP, I can't sit back and think that life is just meaningless chaos. There should be some logic to whatever happens, if you can just sort it out. Uhderstanding a breakup makes it easier to cope with, and hopefully helps you avoid the same pitfalls in the future. It's rather like investigating the causes of a plane crash.

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    Jun 11, 2009 12:21 PM GMT
    I don't think closure's a myth, JP. It's just not guaranteed.

    yz250, if your partner helps you get closure that's great. If not, you can always look for it in yourself. Alone or with the help of a therapist.
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    Jun 11, 2009 12:26 PM GMT
    The only real closure is outta sight, outta mind. No amount of prolonged communication is going to provide full and total cessation of the emotional bonds and connections you've forged.
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    Jun 11, 2009 12:32 PM GMT
    Runin, I tend to disagree. If you were close enough to be partners, the least you can do is remain friends.
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    Jun 11, 2009 12:32 PM GMT
    jprichva said Even if someone is willing to give you that "exit interview"---and in my experience no one really wants to do that---there's no guarantee that they're giving you an honest answer. Most likely they're just saying whatever you'll accept so you will go away.

    Maybe so. Obviously what they tell you is going to be somewhat self-serving. But it's better to have something.
    I've had 6 relationships lasting 6 months or more, prior to my present one. Some ended with plausible explanations, some didn't. By far the easiest to deal with were those with an honest discussion of why it wasn't working.

  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jun 11, 2009 12:36 PM GMT

    closure, IMO: the ability to ' close-up shop ' and move on.
    given that, it more than likely happens when lingering questions
    that stultify this ability to transition are answered.

    is it necessary? well, unfortunately, that may all depend on how
    exactly the relationship came to an end.
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    Jun 11, 2009 12:43 PM GMT
    I always get closure. As all of my exes are in zip lock bags in a freezer.