Experiences that you lost and then find

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  Jun 11, 2009 5:23 AM GMT

  Those little experiences that you seemingly missed out because you were still in the closet, or you still hadn’t come to terms with yourself yet, but that after you did you get to live them and is like heaven on Earth… that is, is still a little thing but you appreciate it oh so very much because it is so charged with so much expectation/meaning/planning/surprise/desire/…
  
  Mine:
  
  “I still see my High School self sitting by himself, a few meters away from the dance floor seeing this gorgeous dark young man whom I had a crush on slow dance with his girlfriend after almost an hour of wild dancing; not exactly being able to unravel the feelings inside me… of longing, of loss…”
  
  Fast forward, a few years later in out-of-hometown college
  
  “I remember being in the center of the dance floor and being pulled up to the scenario by this gorgeous guy and then dance and jump and sing to the crowd like we were really kings of the party and then after jumping back into the crowd he asking me whether I would let him kiss me… “
  
  That couple of memories are part of my arsenal of mood boosters when I feel down because: I missed being sporty in high school, I didn’t get to prom with whom I might wanted, I didn’t say this or that, I did hide this or that…
  
  I remember that while I can’t actually go back and change it, even the immediate future isn’t written yet. I find that doing this little mental exercise relieves of SO MANY negative feelings about the past and its supposed losses.
  
  So what are yours lost and then found experiences? Or the ones you want to find? (Is completely valid to script a future one!)
  

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  Jun 11, 2009 2:30 PM GMT

  Well... 3 days ago or something, I was extremely stressed and I dreamt of someone I haven't dreamt of in years - my original 'first love'. The straight guy crush of my teens.
  
  Anyway, in the dream I was in a party with all of my friends and we were awaiting his arrival and they all already know I'm gay. Then he comes in and greets me and was like all smiles and touchy feely and there was a twinkle in his eyes. Everyone was teasing us like they know something special going on. He basically flirts with me heavily throughout the party. And by the end of the night he told me he had dumped his girlfriend and finally stopped denying that he was gay and that he loved me back too the whole time I was pining for him but was too scared to reciprocate. And then we kissed and hugged and kissed some more.
  
  And then I woke up, took a drink from the glass of water from the bedside table, then fell asleep again willing myself to dream the same dream. I was never really fully awake, so I still had a good grasp of the dream. So... I did. The setting changed. It was raining heavily, and he was supposedly working in what suspiciously looked like a transmitter tower and I was visiting him to ask about the night before (why I didn't have an umbrella, lord knows). We met out in front of a chainlink fence and we talked a bit, I told him it was too late and that I didn't love him anymore but I still had warm feelings for him and he said it was alright and that that was enough for us to start with, and we were kissing again.
  
  And then I woke up. Held still. Committed all the details to memory.
  
  LOL. It was weird because I really have no feelings for him anymore whatsoever. I never did tell him about my feelings (yet... but on second thought, nah. I'll never tell him ever). It's more the memory of what I felt for him which made the dream feel really good and comforting somehow.
  
  GOD I NEED A BOYFRIEND!

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  Jun 11, 2009 2:35 PM GMT

  Not sure this is what you mean: I missed my 1967 high school senior prom, because no girl was interested in me, and I was interested in no girls, and never dated any. I didn't realize then that I was gay, I just figured it was because I was ugly, awkward & dorky, a loser than girls wouldn't want.
  
  Decades later when living in Seattle I heard about the annual "Prom You Never Had" party for gays & lesbians. I learned about it too late to attend before relocating from the area, but the concept really touched me, never having had a prom myself. I still haven't.
  
  But when I did finally come out late, my world changed. I was inexplicably very popular in the gay community; guys told me I was handsome (whether a line or not really didn't matter, it was such a flattering novelty for me for the first time in my life), they wanted to dance with me at the clubs, and I learned that my big dick, which had always been a freakish embarrassment for me, was now treasured, even too much.
  
  The other thing I wasn't in high school was athletic, again typical of the dorky nerd I was. Within 2 years I was in the US Army, and suddenly I was Rambo & John Wayne, running circles around all the former high school jocks in every physical challenge, and being promoted early into leadership positions. And now, when in retrospect I realize I was gay the whole time, I just smile.
  

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  Jun 12, 2009 1:05 AM GMT

  @ Sedative
  
  I loved your dream and the way you described it! I could see the images in my mind so clearly. Aah! Those teenager crushes were so... dreamy... but the feelings were always so real. I still love my teenager (the last actually in my 20's) "straight" crushes, mainly because I remain close friends with them (I wasn't going to let them go away anyway!).
  
  You know, I think I share with you part of that lost experience: the one when your mates tease you like they know. In my case it never has been like that. Is not the same getting teased about the girl you pretty much know is solely your friend that getting teased about the person that you really have a crush on. I guess that will have to wait until later... (Isn't it ironic that I am actually missing my "share of teasing")
  
  @ Red_Vespa
  
  Wooooow . You just have given me motivation for, I don't how many months. I also was never athletic in High School and always considered myself a physically clumsy person. I did hit the gym mainly as a way to get into shape in which my clumsiness would not get that much in the way. But sometimes I look at certain sports in a longing way, kind of "Wouldn't it be fun to do that? I think I could!" I believe that your joining the army there was the pinacle of such dream... I loved how you said you were "Rambo" and "John Wayne" I think if it had been me I would had felt the same way.
  
  I think most of us can relate to the feeling of "entering a whole new world" when coming out. I am so grateful for how things developed when I decided to come out. I found the exact crowd i needed to hang out with in those moments, and the irony of ending up dating an ex-seminarian after coming from a phase of my life in which I was deeply religious (and closeted Roman Catholic) was never lost on me.
  
  As for the prom, you know? I am so going to look into those "Proms you never had" thing
  
  Thank you for sharing both of you. There is a reason why one of my favorites genres of literature is (auto)biography
  

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