You're dead

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2009 12:00 PM GMT
    That's right. You're dead. And you're at the Pearly Gates. With St Pete flipping through his book (THE Book)

    Pregnant silence.

    "........................Nope. Not here."

    You're not in the book. You're going downstairs.

    You beg for mercy. You beg and beg and beg.

    He relents. "Okay," he says. "Give me one good reason to let you in here."

    You've got two alternatives: giving him a verbal reason and giving him an oral reason. Now, there are subtle differences between the two . . .

    Verbal reason: I was killed for believing in a higher cause and I sacrificed my life for it with no hope of winning brownie points Up Here . . . I did this and that in my life . . . what the fuck kind of system are you people running here, anyway?

    Or do you do a quick mental inventory of your former life, realize that there was NOTHING about you worth saving, filthy filthy boy that you were -- and take a risk in the hopes that there's something he hasn't had in 2000 years, or ever . . . you get on your knees . . .

    (If this offends you or you don't see the point . . . please move on peacefully)
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    Jun 11, 2009 2:47 PM GMT
    Bargain. Here's what I'll say:

    "Look, mister. I can see heaven from here, and I know nobody else lives there except you, Jesus, his Dad, the family ghost, and Gandhi. Aside from the backup singers and the lounge pianist (i.e. angels) and Buddha's visits from the Astral plane every Tuesday, everyone else is in hell.

    So... who's gonna cook breakfast? Clean the pool? Feed the animals? Hm? Not God, not Jesus, not the ghost, not Gandhi (he's off fasting in protest of God not forgiving Satan), not the angels (who like... can't even look at dirt without turning into demons!), not you (you're too busy playing guard... lazyass bum), and certainly not Buddha!

    Why don't we go over my list of qualifications again... hey I know how to use a washing machine too, y'know. And yes, they're not magic. WHAT? You eat soot from burnt animal smoke?! No wonder God's not answering any prayers lately.

    Yeah, a bottlebrush will do. It's not gonna hurt his throat ffs! He's immortal!

    ..yadda yadda..."

    And so I'm in. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 11, 2009 4:43 PM GMT
    Yes, you are! You reminded me of this joke . . .

    Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

    "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

    So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

    The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

    The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

    God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"
    He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."