Money and relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2009 7:51 PM GMT
    The guy I recently started dating is only a couple of years older than me, but he already has a career going and that on top of additional help from his parents allows him to lead a very nice lifestyle for someone of any age. He always offers to pay for dinner when we go out and is not stuck up or pretentious at all, which is refreshing. However, as someone who struggles with not chasing material possessions and avoiding the use of credit cards to obtain them, being surrounded by this has been difficult. I've found that being with someone who is very motivated by money and achieving a nice lifestyle has been a huge trigger for my wanting to spend again. So, the problem isn't with him, but more with me and my problems with spending.

    Is this a big problem and how should I go about addressing it so it's not a problem? I don't feel like it's a deal breaker, but more something I should deal with to help improve myself.

    Thanks in advanced for any advice.
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    Jun 15, 2009 12:51 AM GMT
    self control. If you like this guy then they amount of money that he has compared to you should not matter. Money is just a superficial object and yes we need it to maintain, however I do understand where you are coming from.

    I used to use credit cards and got into a bit of trouble. Nothing crazy but just overused them just a tad and had to deal with the consequences for a short period of time.

    I have changed my spending habits and became very strict with my policy. That policy is that my bills get paid for the month and money gets put away for a cushion. When that is the case then any extra is money that I get to play with if I so choose.

    Its all about self control. Personally I would cut up my credit cards. Maybe only keep one with a small balance for EMERGENCIES ONLY.
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    Jun 15, 2009 1:18 AM GMT
    What about asking him out on a conventional but not expensive date? Hell, it's summer. What about a picnic? Affordable, intimate and would probably show him a new world. AND would also show that you are creative. Money can't you love....icon_wink.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 15, 2009 1:25 AM GMT
    Be honest with him about your concerns so he understands where you are coming from.
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    Jun 16, 2009 12:11 AM GMT
    "Someone who is very motivated by money and achieving a nice lifestyle" - The word "nice" is a loaded word. Many would agree that there are ways to live well without spending a lot of money. For example, gardening and backpacking vs. cocktails and luxury hotels. Those with expensive tastes, especially those whose money was not earned, tend to be people who use money to prop up their ego, to feel superior and to compensate for lacking in other areas. Beware.
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Jun 16, 2009 7:18 PM GMT
    Most forget that there also comes the wish to give something back with it. I bet he assumes already that you arent as liquid as he his moneywise, so id suggesst that you just bring it up in some conversation and invite him to something simple but nice.
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    Jun 16, 2009 7:21 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidBe honest with him about your concerns so he understands where you are coming from.


    This is the ONLY thing that's gonna help!
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    Jun 18, 2009 10:56 AM GMT
    This worked for me:

    If he takes you out to dinner, pick the next date to be at your place and cook for him.

    If he wants to go out and do something different, make some sandwiches and go for a picnic in the park.

    For gifts, it pays to shop around. You can get inexpensive, high quaulity items if you take some time to shop around.

    Above all, keep being honest with yourself and him about your finances. Watch out for repeating the conversation too much as it can be a downer. Once or twice should be enough, but a reminder can help if needed. Also, if he wants to do things for you, let him based on your comfort level at any given time. And don't stress so much. Have fun!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 18, 2009 11:05 AM GMT
    ErikTaurean saidThis worked for me:

    If he takes you out to dinner, pick the next date to be at your place and cook for him.

    If he wants to go out and do something different, make some sandwiches and go for a picnic in the park.

    For gifts, it pays to shop around. You can get inexpensive, high quaulity items if you take some time to shop around.

    Above all, keep being honest with yourself and him about your finances. Watch out for repeating the conversation too much as it can be a downer. Once or twice should be enough, but a reminder can help if needed. Also, if he wants to do things for you, let him based on your comfort level at any given time. And don't stress so much. Have fun!icon_biggrin.gif


    I'd go with this. Been doing this with my current beau for a few months and he loves some of the cheap eateries that I've taken him to (he now takes a lot of his friends and clients there), loves the fact that I've gone out of my way to make him a home made dinner/desert and loves the fact that I think about the presents I give him, rather than going out and blowing a load of cash on some expensive fandangled thing he'll use once.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 18, 2009 10:35 PM GMT
    That's just something that you're going to have to deal with
    Yeah, he's got money and you don't have as much
    He's a big boy ... he'll understand that
    and you have to come to terms with it too

    You two will have to make plans whether that's him paying all the time or part of the time
    whatever makes it work
    If you can't do that then save yourself the trouble
  • kjomart

    Posts: 30

    Jun 20, 2009 3:39 AM GMT
    Great posting. That's the main reason my ex and I took a break. I started dating him 6 months after moving to the city, and our personalities clicked and we got a long great.....except for the finances. We didn't argue or fight about them, but I was not as financially stable as him (he's 3 years older). He grew up as an only child (explains a lot, at least in my opinion) and even though he didn't finish college he now has a great paying job and just bought a nice townhouse and can afford a more "luxurious" life than me. I graduated college with $40K in loans (yeesh, all that for a BA, eh?). My parents had trouble with credit cards, so I don't use them....just my debit card. So when I started dating him I couldn't keep up with him and wanting to do things that cost money....which he uses his Amex daily. It's great that he's stable, but I also knew I needed to establish myself here. Eventually we both mutually agreed to take a break, and said he'd like to revisit us in the future when I'm ready. He's a great guy, so who knows...maybe one day we'll reconnect. Life funny like that.

    As for your situation...just take some time to think things over bud. Have a heart-to-heart chat with him. I'm sure he'll understand.