Need a reality check on boundries!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2009 2:57 AM GMT
    My best friend told me something personal in confidence and I gave him my word that I'd keep it to myself. My partner found out about this and insisted that I tell him too. I told him no. This blew up into a big fight right in the middle of Wal-Mart - with him hollering at me like white trash at a tent revival! (well not quite THAT bad, but it felt that way at the time)

    My statement to my partner: My friends personal business is not a soap opera for you to enjoy. I'm not keeping anything from you that you need to know about. His business is his business and not yours. It's a mater of personal honor that I keep my word to him, just as I keep it to you.

    My Partner's statement to me: You are keeping things from me. I'm your partner and we shouldn't have secrets from each other. He's a big part of your life and I should be included in it. You're treating me like a second class citizen and you're valuing his friendship over me. I can keep whatever it is to myself.

    So where do y'all come down on this topic?

    Thanks!


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    Jun 15, 2009 3:41 AM GMT
    I am completely on your side because I have been the best friend. I had a friend once who admitted that he shares everything I said to him with his partner. When he saw I was not comfortable with this he acted like I was mistaken in assuming he would keep anything from his partner. After hearing that, I stopped sharing intimate details and the two of us eventually drifted apart.

    I think your partner is insecure about your friendship. He feels that by not sharing this secret he does not have 100% of your intimacy. Even if you do not have a physical intimacy with your friend the fact that you two have secrets makes him feel "left out". But you should not have to betray your friend just to make your partner feel more secure.
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    Jun 15, 2009 3:53 AM GMT
    Dude I totally got your back! My ex-beau is a NYC Cop, this is something that we fought over relentlesly. It was important to him to know everything and every aspect of my life. He would always say I'm Italian part cuban it's in my blood everyone in my family knows everything about everyone. ( except he was into fucking ass ) I took it as the nature of his job. In the end for me at least it was a way of him controling me by not letting me have any freedom. your friends business is not a secret in your relationship, I hope. But some people also always need to be on the inside of thigs otherwise they feel left out
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    Jun 15, 2009 4:14 AM GMT
    I agree with you totally. My partner is on a number of boards, and I'm very careful to avoid inquiring about his business on them, which is confidential. He's not supposed to divulge board dealings to outsiders, and so I never ask.

    Quite frankly, your partner isn't being very mature or sophisticated. I might add that neither do I ask my partner about personal matters that I know his friends, who predate me, share with him. Why should I even be concerned? Because I'm a prying gossip? What a shallow idiot that would make me.

    You don't give me good feelings about your partner. icon_sad.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jun 15, 2009 4:53 AM GMT
    How did he even find out about it???

    It is none of his business-bet he goes in your wallet and reads your cell phone texts!!--Nut

    At least it wasn't out at a classy dinner- It was friggin Wal~Mart. I was in one once-never again!!
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    Jun 15, 2009 6:16 AM GMT
    I believe you did the right thing by not telling your partner about your friend's business. This is where it gets a bit sticky ! Loyalty to your friend or your bf. Either way, I believe you should hold your own principle. With him making a scene in Wal-Mart is uncalled for, I mean - this sounds harsh but BF are a dime a dozen. Having good/trust-worthy friends is very hard to find! And your friend's business are none of your BF business, maybe you should tell your partner to stop being so nosy like a girl and butt out completely if he keeps pushing the topic. icon_cool.gif
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    Jun 15, 2009 1:37 PM GMT

    heheh, we'll wade in. This is not a counter-position for the sake of argument, but how it really is with us.

    We tell each other everything. We married each other, not our friends. They all know that anything they tell one of us they're telling both. They also know that nothing goes any farther than us.

    Many of the people we know admire and respect this.
    Why? Because it's part of our pride at having found what we have. It honours us as a couple. It also makes a larger-than-life statement should any want to refer to us as only 'boyfriends'.

    Many people consider a gay relationship, especially an LTR as less than a straight one.
    Hardly! lol


    Bill thinks what went horribly wrong here is how your guy went ballistic in a public place when you initially declined to share.
    A good rule of thumb is 'feelings first, tempers last'. lol

    He could have stated a lot of other things instead. Were I in that situation, I would have clammed up completely. Once out of the store we would have sat in the car while I poured my heart out to Bill as to why LTR couples should be considered above and beyond any friend.

    It would have been heartfelt, sincere, and I would have brought up a few other scenarios where not telling your Other could have bad consequences later.

    Understandably, Voltaire behaved like any poor guy being castigated publicly. Bill and I made a promise donkey's years ago to NEVER take each other to task in public like this, as it's humiliation.

    hope some of this helps!

    -Doug of meninlove
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 15, 2009 1:49 PM GMT
    I'm on your side. If anything, I think your bf should value your willingness to keep something a friend has told you private, especially when you have told him that you would tell him if it effected him. You are a couple, but you are still individuals.
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    Jun 15, 2009 2:38 PM GMT
    It depends on the piece of information.

    If he tells you in confidence that he really like tacos. Then you can keep that sort of thing from your partner.

    If he tells you that he has been madly in love with you and would do anything to get you, then that involves your relationship with your boyfriend and he should know. If this is the case, however, you have to inform your friend of this.

    But, it sounds like your guy is being a brat. Having a temper tantrum in Walmart is grand when you are 3 but not at 30.
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    Jun 15, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    I would say you shouldnt accept secrets that you cant share with your partner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2009 3:52 PM GMT
    Everyone is different when it comes to this kind of stuff, I think both positions are understandable. Honesty policies can be a toughy.
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    Jun 15, 2009 4:27 PM GMT
    If I were in your situation, I’d talk to the friend who told you something in confidence and ask him if it’s OK for you tell your partner. If he says ‘no’; then you don’t tell. If he says ‘yes’; then problem over – for now.

    Then, I think you might want to sit down with your partner and figure out what your relationship rule is on secrets. Different posters to this forum have given great ways for a couple to deal with what someone has told one partner in confidence.

    In my relationship, my friends understand that sharing their secrets with my partner is at my discretion. If I think the secret will impact my relationship in anyway (the friend will end up crashing on the couch etc…) then I’ll tell Dave, otherwise, I keep the friend’s confidence to myself.
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    Jun 15, 2009 4:36 PM GMT
    I think your boyfriend's reaction was a little immature, but I'm on his side on this one. Your best friend can request confidentiality from you, but that is a thing I would honor only if you had some sort of doctor-patient/lawyer-client relationship. Outside of that, your best friend is treading on hallowed grounds usually reserved for your significant other.

    How does your boyfriend know that your best friend is not a threat to your relationship, and what will it take for your boyfriend to get to best friend status?
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    Jun 15, 2009 4:40 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    Caslon11000 saidI would say you shouldnt accept secrets that you cant share with your partner.

    Agree. I would say to the friend, "You know, before you tell me this, understand that Bob and I don't keep secrets from each other."

    I agree too. Nothing undermines a relationship more than keeping secrets from you partner. By refusing to share, you're saying you don't trust him.

    There's no easy out in this case because the promise of confidentiality has already been given. But in the future, if anyone wants to confide in you, make sure they understand that you and your partner share everything.
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    Jun 15, 2009 4:42 PM GMT
    Sounds like u need a new partnericon_eek.gif
  • Timbales

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    Jun 15, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    To the guys saying you shouldn't keep secrets from your partner - where is the trust in the relationship? I'd say if you need to know every little thing your partner discusses with a friend and insist on knowing the friend's personal business even when it has nothing to do with you, then you aren't very trusting of your partner.
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    Jun 15, 2009 5:03 PM GMT
    Voltaire.... I am SO on your side!!!
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    Jun 15, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidTo the guys saying you shouldn't keep secrets from your partner - where is the trust in the relationship? I'd say if you need to know every little thing your partner discusses with a friend and insist on knowing the friend's personal business even when it has nothing to do with you, then you aren't very trusting of your partner.

    I dont think Voltaire should do things that bug the crap out of his partner in favor of his best friend. Which relationship is more important here? As partner, that is what I would be asking.

    It would be like making your partner eat spinach on his pizza, just cuz your best friend insisted on it. ... icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    Your BF should respect your friend's need for privacy.

    For guys in couples, do you really share everything? Your ATM PIN numbers, your passwords to email and websites? Do you open each others mail? Where's the trust and respect? If my husband wants to share private & confidential info about his friends, that's his choice, but I'm not going to ask him to. He has a far longer history with some of his friends than he has with me, so I understand that he may need to be a confidante to them sometimes. I do not feel threatened if he doesn't tell me everything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    You are in the right. It is not about betraying your partner it is about betraying your friend. You gave your word so keep it or your word becomes meaningless.
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    Jun 15, 2009 5:20 PM GMT
    If a partner demands to know every minutia of your day then are you not enabling their insecurities. A partner should feel trust in the relationship. There seems to be a trust and respect issue for me. I never demand to know everything. It is human nature to keep secrets, sometimes purposefully other time not.

    We need to balance both friends and partners. Friends and Partners need to understand and respect those boundries. A friends intimate stories need not be a lovers tales to be had or disrepected.

  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jun 15, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    I agree with Voltaire. If your partner can't respect that you're holding a secret that has nothing to do with your relationship, then he has an issue of nosiness. He just wants to know the scoop, not offer a solution.
  • Timbales

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    Jun 15, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    Caslon11000 said
    Timberoo saidTo the guys saying you shouldn't keep secrets from your partner - where is the trust in the relationship? I'd say if you need to know every little thing your partner discusses with a friend and insist on knowing the friend's personal business even when it has nothing to do with you, then you aren't very trusting of your partner.

    I dont think Voltaire should do things that bug the crap out of his partner in favor of his best friend. Which relationship is more important here? As partner, that is what I would be asking.

    It would be like making your partner eat spinach on his pizza, just cuz your best friend insisted on it. ... icon_lol.gif


    I don't think one should have to take responsibility for their partner getting upset about things that have no effect on him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    Timberoo said
    Caslon11000 said
    Timberoo saidTo the guys saying you shouldn't keep secrets from your partner - where is the trust in the relationship? I'd say if you need to know every little thing your partner discusses with a friend and insist on knowing the friend's personal business even when it has nothing to do with you, then you aren't very trusting of your partner.

    I dont think Voltaire should do things that bug the crap out of his partner in favor of his best friend. Which relationship is more important here? As partner, that is what I would be asking.

    It would be like making your partner eat spinach on his pizza, just cuz your best friend insisted on it. ... icon_lol.gif


    I don't think one should have to take responsibility for their partner getting upset about things that have no effect on him.

    Bon appetit, Lou
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 15, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    Caslon11000 said
    Timberoo said
    Caslon11000 said
    Timberoo saidTo the guys saying you shouldn't keep secrets from your partner - where is the trust in the relationship? I'd say if you need to know every little thing your partner discusses with a friend and insist on knowing the friend's personal business even when it has nothing to do with you, then you aren't very trusting of your partner.

    I dont think Voltaire should do things that bug the crap out of his partner in favor of his best friend. Which relationship is more important here? As partner, that is what I would be asking.

    It would be like making your partner eat spinach on his pizza, just cuz your best friend insisted on it. ... icon_lol.gif


    I don't think one should have to take responsibility for their partner getting upset about things that have no effect on him.

    Bon appetit, Lou


    A better analogy would be not having spinach on my pizza because my partner doesn't like it, and even though he's not going to eat any I can't have any either.