Persuing a Guy that's in a relationship.

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  Nov 18, 2007 2:52 AM GMT

  Need some advice here Guys. Even at my advanced age of 42, I still kinda new to the Gay world. I have this Big crush on a guy I know and he is in a relationship. He is also kind of a public figure here in the Gay Community in Toronto. We have had coffee a few times and a couple of beers on Halloween. He is stunning btw. He hosts on our Gay radio stn. www.proudfm.com. Ya can get it on your computer. What do I do give up or wait for a weak moment ?

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• Timbales
  
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  Nov 18, 2007 3:13 AM GMT

  In my opinion, actively pursuing someone in a relationship is pretty slimey.
  
  However, letting him know find him attractive in case he ever decides he wants to be with someone else is ok. Something along the lines of "Why can't I find a guy like you? It's a shame you're taken." and leaving it at that.

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  Nov 18, 2007 3:16 AM GMT

  what you are proposing is bad business. stay away from him if possible. if not, be prepared to face major touble: destroyed friendships, awkward moments -- Toronto is a small town. Dont't do it.

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• ScotXY
  
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  Nov 18, 2007 3:17 AM GMT

  Real Simple
  
  Dont fucking do it.
  
  
  Think of it like this. If you were dating this guy u like so much and you two are in a relationship. You love him married or LTR with him.
  
  Do you really want someone to pursue him?
  
  I don not think its really hard to figure out what to do here man.. or maybe where you grow up its ok to pursue people who are in relationships.
  
  Stay out of it.
  
  Now If you had said something different like. I have know this guy and he is in really bad relationship and is not really good and all.
  
  

  shaun46What do I do give up or wait for a weak moment ?

  
  
  Dude. There is how many other men in Toronto that are single and open to being pursued. Give the guy a break. Do you not think he is healthy and has gay friends who he can hang out talk and stuff.
  
  I mean christ. I have best friend whom I have been friends with almost 2 years. He has been with his bf 3 years. Everyone of my gay friends or new to our site loves him. Wants to be with him. Try to pursue him.
  
  And yet they have no couth to let him be who he is. A nice friendly guy who can be real and just have healthy gay friends.
  
  Enjoy the friendship, that you have with this guy maybe learn form his good side and take that into maybe meeting another guy maybe that he knows. Most of my friends who have been introduced to their long term bf's thru other friends.
  
  Not meaning to be a dick but really man, how old are you. Relationships and morals are not a new thing for you no matter the gender you love.
  

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  Nov 18, 2007 3:21 AM GMT

  There is nothing wrong with being attracted to another handsome man.. But if he's in a relationship BACK OFF! It only makes you look bad! There are plenty of high quality, attractive, single men out there..

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  Nov 18, 2007 3:29 AM GMT

  Thanks for the advice guys. I really had no "slimey" intent. I just didn't know what to do. Like I said I am fairly new to all this. I just can't figure out why he did go out with me. We have become Friends anyway. Did anyone check out the radio stn.?

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• HndsmKansan
  
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  Nov 18, 2007 3:57 AM GMT

  I would suggest developing a friendship IF (and only if) you really can be one. I had a friend who went out of his way to create a problem between my bf and myself. When I realized, I was very disappointed to say the least and disillusioned. My bf despises him.
  And I don't speak to him.
  
  BTW, how are things in the big TO? I've enjoyed my visits to TO, except for being locked out on 9/11.

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  Nov 18, 2007 5:53 AM GMT

  "...We have had coffee a few times and a couple of beers on Halloween..."
  
  I'll take a different tack than the other responses.
  
  What the hell is he (the radio show host) doing having coffee and beer dates with another man, if he is happily in a relationship. Is he in a relationship? Or is that simply a cover to allow him to bow out of a new friendship if it doesn't suit his needs.
  
  On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is slimiest, if you pursue a friendship with him, I'd say you would only be a 2, whereas he's the one who made a committment and claims to have a partner...hence, he's a 10....
  
  ....unless....
  
  ...you will soon find out if he has an open relationship that allows him to form both external emotional connections with other guys, and possibly more.
  
  I don't think it is so cut and dried as the other respondents think. I'd get more information before deciding who's the louse or if someone is a louse.
  
  John
  
  

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• MarkX
  
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  Nov 18, 2007 7:07 AM GMT

  I so agree with our wise friends above.
  
  If you like him, how about cultivating an honest friendship with him?
  
  If his relationship is respectfully open, or if it goes south, you'll happen to be there. If not, you've made a friend.
  
  If you find yourself WANTING his relationship to go south, then perhaps you don't have his best interests at heart. If so, recuse yourself to look elsewhere for a hottie.
  
  Best regards,
  TKOPAGOWR*
  
  
  
  
  * This Kind of Presumptive Advice Given Only When Requested

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• dfrourke
  
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  Nov 18, 2007 7:25 AM GMT

  What goes around comes around.
  
  - David

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  Nov 18, 2007 8:09 AM GMT

  David's oppinion is short and sweet and right on target. Wheter you believe in karma or not, these things have a way to come back and bite you on the ass, and it's usualy not the good kind of ass biting...
  
  Why the hell would you go out of your way to ruin a perfectly good relationship.
  There are thousands of hot available guys who will most likely be much more approachable... and open for a relationship with you.
  
  Trust me on this one, I one did something similar to what you explained. And the efects left me very much allone and almost without one of my best friends.
  
  Luckely for me my friend is a lovely and forgiving oke so we're still friends. I't a risk i'm not willing to take ever again.
  
  Good luck man
  Mwah!

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  Nov 18, 2007 12:01 PM GMT

  I would suggest that you develop your relationships with people who are available. I would suggest that you maintain friendships with people who are in relationships.

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• Laurence
  
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  Nov 18, 2007 12:22 PM GMT

  Great advice from all the guys above.
  
  Believe it or not the same rules apply to straight people as to Gay people. Just because you're Gay doesn't mean morality goes out of the window.
  
  It is not nice to persue a someone who is already in a relationship. If that guy is interested in you, then that's his problem. You should show some decency and keep him at arm's length.
  
  I'm sure your conscience has told you the correct thing to do.
  
  Lozx

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• GQjock
  
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  Nov 18, 2007 12:33 PM GMT

  We all get crushes and become infatuated with men who are unavailable to us
  it's inevitable
  but to let it fester and take up valuable time and energy is a big mistake
  it's not only wrong because the guy's in a relationship
  it's also wrong because it's taking your eye off the ball
  of finding someone appropriate for YOU

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  Nov 18, 2007 6:03 PM GMT

  You don't give the circumstances of these coffees and beers you've had with him so I really cannot offer any informed comment upon your specific situation but in general it is worth remembering that when we like someone we see things (like interest) that we want to see. You don't say if he flirts with you or is merely polite.
  
  Guys who have been out for a while (particularly guys who are prominent in the community who might be thinking of entering politics) are very comfortable having social drinks and really listening to people (which you may be mistaking for more than it is).
  
  That said, I think pursuing a man who is in a relationship is immature and inappropriate in the gay world just as it is in the straight.
  
  Remember: if a guy will cheat WITH you he'll cheat ON you.

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  Nov 18, 2007 6:09 PM GMT

  I think you know the answer. Regardless of if he is being slimy or not. That doesn't give you the right to be slimy as well or assist in the violation of an existing relationship.

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  Nov 18, 2007 7:56 PM GMT

  Ok - So he is in a relationship. Is it monogamous? If he does go out with you he will be cheating on his current.
  
  What makes you think he will then be of such high moral integrity that he would never cheat on you?
  
  Look, don't persue.

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  Nov 19, 2007 12:08 AM GMT

  He's prominent in the Toronto gay community, he's on a Toronto (web?) radio station. He's stunning. Not enough info. Sheesh, why not just give us his name? Wait, a better idea - why not just call his partner and tell him?

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  Nov 19, 2007 9:46 PM GMT

  Ya know McGay I only asked for advice. Not to be put down by someone who obviuosly has issues of his own. Does the name Queen sound familiar, I'm sure it does. Enough already I get the message. Jeez !!!!!

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  Nov 19, 2007 9:55 PM GMT

  Shaun, McGay is known for irreverent humour.
  
  I got a good laugh from his comment - but seeing McGay's name on a post always signals a tongue planted firmly in (his own) cheek so I was prepared to read it through that lens; you were not so you took it too seriously.
  
  

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  Nov 19, 2007 10:02 PM GMT

  My opinion is that as long as you are open and honest, you have the right to be interested in and pursue whomever you want. If you are interested in someone in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with making that known directly. But if the person is not receptive, AND willing to handle your interest in an open way with their partner, then you should lay off.
  
  Seeing someone behind their partner's back, or being manipulative, or basically revealing who they are in a public way that might endanger their relationship IS wrong.
  
  I am in a relationship. If someone schemes to get with my partner, I don't worry about him, because he is a person of integrity. But I do worry about the schemer, and their honesty of integrity, and I would quickly make sure that person was out of my life.
  

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  Nov 19, 2007 10:48 PM GMT

  Thanks Firecat. I've been kinda beaten up on this subject. So I guess I reacted. Also as far as revealing who is. I didn't really do that, I think. I thought if anyone had any experience with someone higher profile it would help.

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  Nov 19, 2007 10:54 PM GMT

  We can be a bitchy bunch but we mean well
  
  

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  Nov 19, 2007 11:00 PM GMT

  How would you feel if you were the other partner, meaning the parner of the guy you have a crush on.
  
  Not a good idea. If it is meant to be, it will happen but don't break up that relationship.
  
  Remain friends with the guy if you can.

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  Nov 19, 2007 11:36 PM GMT

  NEWS FLASH!
  
  GET YOUR OWN MAN!
  
  Rule of thumb in the ever-so-wild gay community:
  What you steal, you don't keep! Gay men have a hard time being monogamous & faithful as it is. The last thing that you need in your life is someone you have to follow everywhere he goes simply because of the way you got him for yourself. My brother and sister's dad is a REAL major example of a fuck-up. Some other woman that KNEW he had a family stole him right from under my mother's nose & now, even to go the store, she follows him because she doesn't trust him, yet, she was stupid to marry him. But that old adage comes into play:
  
  WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND
  
  Are you ready to go through the motions? And are you really THAT insecure with yourself to where you would take someone else's man just because you can't find your own?
  
  Get REAL & get a clue as well as your own man, Simply Said. When karma comes back to bite you and it does, it simply leaves you with a broken face smashing into a thousand more pieces
  
  Here's one for you: What is a nacho?
  
  A Nacho is a fine man that you see that belongs to someone else, that's something that's not yours (Nachos).

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