Friends with ex-bf..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 10:36 AM GMT
    Is it a good idea to stay bestfriends with an ex-bf? icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 11:09 AM GMT
    There's that term 'best friends' again.

    Is it possible to be friends with an ex? Of course it is, especially after you've both had time to let the wounds heal.
  • ManinSTL

    Posts: 38

    Jun 16, 2009 11:11 AM GMT
    yes, I am great friends with all my ex's, with the exception of the last. In time i know he and i will be great friends too, but requires some time in between relationship and friends.
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    Jun 16, 2009 11:18 AM GMT
    Best freinds? maybe.. freinds definately

    I've remained freinds with all my exes execpt the ones that had an issue with that fact while we were dating, some guys insist on ending every relationship badly.

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  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 16, 2009 12:47 PM GMT
    I think people who aren't friends with their exes (or who have no relationship with any of their exes at all) are waving all sorts of warning flags. If all of their relationships ended sooooo badly that they don't even talk to their exes, then your relationship is probably going to end the same way (i.e. really badly).

    Everyone you date has something good about them (or you wouldn't have dated them in the first place). So if you focus on the things you liked about the person, even if you're not dating anymore, you can build a friendship. As for a BEST friendship? I feel like ever person probably has 2-3 BEST friends, and those positions are kind of hard to fill. Just keep them as friends.
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    Jun 16, 2009 1:40 PM GMT
    I usually just leave the past - IN - the past. For me, that works best. I don't run across my exes. We're just not in the same state - not working together - not in the same clubs. If I saw one of the exes though, I'd be friendly - - - with all but one.
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Jun 16, 2009 1:47 PM GMT
    My best friend is actually an ex. I won't lie, we had to put a LOT of work into the friendship and we had our ups and downs. The way I see it, you're attracted to the person for a reason (hopefully more than something superficial). That doesn't go away just because you're not sleeping with one another. After some time and some healing we were able to work through the awkwardness of being ex's and quickly grew extremely close.

    Beware however, the first time he gets into a serious relationship with someone and spends more time with him and less with you you'll find yourself conflicted. I very recently went through this but finally realized that this was in no way a personal attack and something that genuinly makes him happy. If you think you're capable of being friends . . . and ultimately best friends (because there's a lot of work involved) . . . then I say go for it. The rewards are definitely worth it.
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Jun 16, 2009 1:49 PM GMT
    Tapper saidThere's that term 'best friends' again.

    Is it possible to be friends with an ex? Of course it is, especially after you've both had time to let the wounds heal.


    I agree with Tapper on his views on 'best friend' label. A friend is a friend. I try not to 'rank' them and treat them the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 1:52 PM GMT
    I'm having a hard time doing that... but then again we're newly broken up and still living under the same roof. It's kinda hard. Time and distance will tell.
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    Jun 16, 2009 2:56 PM GMT
    After six years together, my ex and I lived as roommates for about ten months. It worked for us. We're still friends, though I find we don't spend a lot of time together. One big plus is how well we know each other; when we talk, many things don't have to be said or explained, they are just understood.

    I'd be sad to have someone I spent so much time with vanish completely from my life. If you can stay friends, I say go for it. If you can be best friends, that's great.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 16, 2009 3:16 PM GMT
    Bunjamon saidI think people who aren't friends with their exes (or who have no relationship with any of their exes at all) are waving all sorts of warning flags. If all of their relationships ended sooooo badly that they don't even talk to their exes, then your relationship is probably going to end the same way (i.e. really badly).


    I'd say it depends on the situation. What if someone's ex betrayed them sexually or financially? I mean, it's one thing to forgive someone and move on and another to continue to have someone in your life as a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    BFF's? Not right off the bat and who knows, maybe in time!

    Friends? Yes and no. If it was a "clean" break it'll take time to reacquaint with one another sans the BF title, but it CAN work...
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    Jun 16, 2009 3:25 PM GMT
    every situation is different and every individual the same. If the circumstances of the break up aren't so painful for one or both guys that both can get past them then I would say definitely it is good to stay friends if not very close friends. I would like to think that any long term relationship is based on a vey close friendship and understanding of each other. It's an even greater loss if you lose that part of the relationship when the other parts are over.
  • DrStorm

    Posts: 185

    Jun 16, 2009 3:34 PM GMT
    For sure - my ex of 7 years and I are still friends - we split when I moved to San Francisco in 2005 and he remained with his medical practice in Florida. I was genuinely happy for him when he became involved again about a year ago, since I am happy if he is happy. We stay in regular contact and we both are genuinely interested in each other's lives to this day. I still love and care for him, but not in love with him. There is a difference. Unless your ex has been a total asshole, I don't see why you should not be friends with your ex.

    PEACE
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
    Best friends - maybe. Good friends, yes with a few caveats:
    It depends on the level of respect I have for them, the cause of the end of the relationship, their level of sanity, etc.

    I'm friend's with about 1/2 of them. Civil with 1/4 and don't even speak to 1/4.

    I still wouldn't rat-out the ones that I despise though. Sort of a Karma thing.
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    Jun 16, 2009 4:37 PM GMT
    iBalls saidIs it a good idea to stay bestfriends with an ex-bf? icon_confused.gif


    After being with my ex for 7.5 years, we broke up almost a year ago and stayed in the matrimonial household for about 2 months. We put it up for sale, it sold in 4 days, and we ended up with a 30 day close. Because of the tight timelines, we moved in with his sister, until we found our respective homes.

    So by the time we actually 'separated' our living arrangements, it was mid January of 09.

    It gave us alot of time to see each other in different context. I don't think I can honestly say that we are 'best friends' anymore. After being with someone for so long it's hard not to love them. But like any family member, you can love someone and not be their 'best friend'

    I have found that some amount of distance must be kept and that you can not share EVERYTHING anymore.

    Take it as it comes day by day. The more you hang out together after it's over, the more you'll observe what kind of person he will be to you in a friendship capacity. (Remember, you probably won't get the same type of special treatment you did when you were his boyfriend.)

    When you get to know what kind of person he is outside of your past relationship, that will give you a better key indicator as to whether you will continue to grow your friendship, or just cut your loses.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 5:09 PM GMT

    Friends with ex boyfriend.....?

    ......................................................Ryu & Ken Nuggie Pictures, Images and Photos

    And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say: THANK YOU for being controlling, jealous, cheating on me, hating my mother, repressing me, smothering me, giving me the clap that time, selling my favotire chair, smashing up my new car, coming home drunk, screwing the neighbor, filing a restraining order, frenching my brother, putting me down all the time, catching the kitchen on fire, and getting beat up by my sister.


    ....yeah, no being friends with your ex.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    DrStorm saidFor sure - my ex of 7 years and I are still friends - we split when I moved to San Francisco in 2005 and he remained with his medical practice in Florida. I was genuinely happy for him when he became involved again about a year ago, since I am happy if he is happy. We stay in regular contact and we both are genuinely interested in each other's lives to this day. I still love and care for him, but not in love with him. There is a difference. Unless your ex has been a total asshole, I don't see why you should not be friends with your ex.

    PEACE
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    This is almost the exact thing I'd say, except HE moved to Florida and I stayed here.
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    Jun 16, 2009 5:24 PM GMT
    Timberoo said
    Bunjamon saidI think people who aren't friends with their exes (or who have no relationship with any of their exes at all) are waving all sorts of warning flags. If all of their relationships ended sooooo badly that they don't even talk to their exes, then your relationship is probably going to end the same way (i.e. really badly).


    I'd say it depends on the situation. What if someone's ex betrayed them sexually or financially? I mean, it's one thing to forgive someone and move on and another to continue to have someone in your life as a friend.


    Well, sometimes there are going to be those situations, but I think what Bunjy is trying to get at is that guy that has had multiple relationships that have all ended very badly. I've met a few guys that seem to be at war with everyone they have ever dated. That's a huge red flag to me.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 16, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    Timberoo said
    Bunjamon saidI think people who aren't friends with their exes (or who have no relationship with any of their exes at all) are waving all sorts of warning flags. If all of their relationships ended sooooo badly that they don't even talk to their exes, then your relationship is probably going to end the same way (i.e. really badly).


    I'd say it depends on the situation. What if someone's ex betrayed them sexually or financially? I mean, it's one thing to forgive someone and move on and another to continue to have someone in your life as a friend.


    I meant if they weren't friends with ANY of their exes. Not keeping up relationships that might have just gone a little sour, for me, represents a bit of lack of emotional maturity. You don't have to invite those people to your birthday parties or go on vacation together, but you can get coffee if you're in the same city or have a nice conversation if you cross paths.
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    Jun 16, 2009 5:26 PM GMT
    Hmmm? Friends with an ex, huh? Well I guess that depends on how you and your ex ended the relationship really. If it was on good mutual terms then salvaging a decent friendship and becoming the best of friends is no problem. If it was in the "he cheated on me" or some other dramatized way that made you "dislike" and loathe him then I would say you are better off not trying to rekindle any kind of relationship and just let that ship sail.

    You have your pros and cons to establishing a friendship with an ex. On one hand you could realize that at the time you were together things just weren't right but now that time has passed and both of you have grown, matured and overcome certain obstacles then things could be better. With that being said, you could also run the risk of getting hurt again and possibly repeating the same mistakes as before or even opening up a whole new can of craziness with this individual further making you or him like each other less.

    I've heard that some people make better friends then they do boyfriends and vice versa based soley off of personality and circumstances. I guess it all depends on what you are comfortable dealing with and how far you are willing to go to try and a make friendship work where a relationship failed.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 16, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidI've met a few guys that seem to be at war with everyone they have ever dated. That's a huge red flag to me.


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  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 16, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    Bunjamon said
    Timberoo said
    Bunjamon saidI think people who aren't friends with their exes (or who have no relationship with any of their exes at all) are waving all sorts of warning flags. If all of their relationships ended sooooo badly that they don't even talk to their exes, then your relationship is probably going to end the same way (i.e. really badly).


    I'd say it depends on the situation. What if someone's ex betrayed them sexually or financially? I mean, it's one thing to forgive someone and move on and another to continue to have someone in your life as a friend.


    I meant if they weren't friends with ANY of their exes. Not keeping up relationships that might have just gone a little sour, for me, represents a bit of lack of emotional maturity. You don't have to invite those people to your birthday parties or go on vacation together, but you can get coffee if you're in the same city or have a nice conversation if you cross paths.


    oh, any exes, gotcha

    I guess we all haven't left a trail of heartbroken boys like you have. ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2009 5:38 PM GMT
    I am friends with most of my exe's.
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    Jun 16, 2009 6:39 PM GMT
    iBalls saidIs it a good idea to stay bestfriends with an ex-bf? icon_confused.gif


    Staying best friend with your ex? Maybe but a close friend - definitely Yes. I think it depends on the person and how your relationship ended, too. Sure if the guy is an Ass-hole during the time that you're together, there's no point to stay in touch with him. If he's a great super-nice guy, I don't see why not. I think best friends - for most gay guys are usually girls and someone that you haven't had sex with or split and stay on very good terms. God knows that most gay people are being ridiculed or even barred from their family, so having another close/best friend is a great thing and shouldn't be over-analyze. icon_cool.gificon_biggrin.gif