Need some tips/advices on current situation with a roommate!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 16, 2009 7:20 PM GMT
    Hey all - I don't think this is a serious topic but more like a tips/advices on how to live with another roommate. I should tell you guys the situation. Please chime in positive things if you can.

    . Ok, I currently live with the bf in a 3 bedroom/victorian flat. It's a cool place, He and I have no problems as roommate (just tiny things that we can both over-look). So recently, we had this roommate moved in about 2 weeks ago. He's a 39 yrs old (just came out 3-5 yrs ago) transsexual/guy-trapped-in-girl-gene roommate. Here are some things I observed about him - that made me a bit uncomfortable.

    1./ He works as a make-up artist/hair-dresser. He has a lot of high heels/stilettos women shoes. He keeps showing it to me and the bf and asked - if he looks hot and pretty. (he's not the greatest looking guy in the world - i think the main thing with him is his body (a little chubby) and he has acne on his face). I tried to be polite and nice about it a couple of time and say that I don't know anything about women shoes, make-up or how he looks in his dress/women clothing. And yeah, sometimes he showed his naked pics on his laptop/photo album, too. I feel so uncomfortable looking at it.

    2./ Since he moved in, the bf and I toned down on walking the around in our undies or towels after the shower. (we tried to show less skin) and he started to show more skin (like walking around the house in his towel, playing in his room in his undie and called us over to hang out .... etc). You know, I think he's a nice guy - it's just I don't want to see all of my roommate naked in the buff.

    3./ He's Malaysian/Chinese mixed something so he cooked a lot of exotic food. (like really fat/greasy/oily food). I ate his food twice and had an upset stomach problem at both times. So now, knowing that my diet/body is very sensitive to fat/oil, I try to turn down his meal/cuisine in a nice way. I told him that I'm going on a more veggies/bland diet and I want to get in shape for summer. So I think he understands.

    4./ I think he's trying to be my new BFF or something. Sometimes he opens up about his guys/exes and try to get me to a Salsa gay and straight clubs - and talked about his sexual conquests/sex clubs stories (which I don't want to hear sometimes). I usually politely said no and I can't go clubbing bc I'm not single. He's still warm and fuzzy about the feelings.

    . I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm pretty much a confirmed gay guy who act pretty straight (I watch basketball games and love action movies for god sakes). He's bonding with me in a sort girly-way (he even called us Girls multiple times - which I hate lol) - and I can't really relate. I mean I'm a nice guy - I just don't think I'm the best person for him to talk to about women shoes, make-ups, high-heels, salsa music, exotic foreign food.

    . Should I tell him to make more connections with other drag queens and tell him to tone down on the cooking greasy food, walking around the house almost naked and stop telling me his sexual stories? I think it's necessary to draw the line/boundaries when you're living with a roommate sometimes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 16, 2009 7:36 PM GMT
    Where is your BF in all of this? Does the new roommate not have anything to do with him? Does your BF have any complaints or problems of his own with the roomie? Perhaps your BF would be a better communicator with him than you on some of these points. He might also advise you how not to be bothered by the new guy's habits, especially if he isn't himself.

    Doesn't seem real serious at this point, and he may just be lonely, and is trying too hard to be friendly. Unless the greasy food is smelling up the apartment, and/or your arrangement is that you 3 guys share cooking duties for all of you, I'd say his diet is his business. If he does cook for everyone some times, just explain that oils & grease give you indigestion.

    I'm sure he'd understand that many people can't eat certain things or they get sick. I have stomach problems myself, and sometimes I have to tell my Italian partner I'm gonna pass up his great spicey meatballs with a homemade tomato sauce, and try them again another day. He's OK with that. Of course he does have a strong motivation: my not tossing and moaning awake in our bed all night with him. LOL!
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 16, 2009 7:54 PM GMT
    I'm assuming you met this person and talked to him before he moved in (does he use the pronoun "he," even though he's trans? Just a technicality), so you knew that you were having someone who was rather flamboyant moving in. Feeling uncomfortable because of his high-heeled shoes and make-up and how that seems to pose a threat to your straight-acting basketball game viewings and action movie nights is kind of silly.

    The only thing you can do short of asking him to move out is just be honest with him and tell him what makes you uncomfortable. I'm sure the three of you could reach a compromise.
  • ursa_minor

    Posts: 566

    Jun 16, 2009 9:12 PM GMT
    yup i agree, compromise.

    and since he´s being too all-sharing and all, i guess you dont have to hold back on all your concerns.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 16, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
    Bunjamon saidI'm assuming you met this person and talked to him before he moved in (does he use the pronoun "he," even though he's trans? Just a technicality), so you knew that you were having someone who was rather flamboyant moving in. Feeling uncomfortable because of his high-heeled shoes and make-up and how that seems to pose a threat to your straight-acting basketball game viewings and action movie nights is kind of silly.

    The only thing you can do short of asking him to move out is just be honest with him and tell him what makes you uncomfortable. I'm sure the three of you could reach a compromise.


    Actually, I kind of know him. My bf was the one that wanted him to move in the first place, he persuaded me to let the guy move in. I have an open-minded attitude I guess. I don't think it's that serious yet for me to want him leave. I'm willing to compromise and talk. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 16, 2009 9:24 PM GMT
    Id say get rid of em...i have a funny feeling that if you anger him somehow with trying to talk to him, he may take it way out of context and get really irrational. Protect yourself and your roomate, not to mention your house and neighbour relations.
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Jun 16, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    I'm not sure I agree with whosyourpaddy. I can understand if you're uncomfortable talking about his sexual conquests and in him walking around naked or half- naked. For this you simply have to tell him where your boundaries are.

    In terms of his food...simply decline politely and explain it's not a reflection of his cooking but your own dietary needs. It's not a lie nor is it offensive...it's simply the truth put forward in a diplomatic way.

    As for your concerns about his attire and whatnot, I do wonder if maybe it's you who are being slightly unreasonable. We're not all comfortable with this sort of over-the-top behaviour, agreed, but he's trying to be who he is and discovering new things about himself all the time. God, he's got to be scared shitless. Try to see it from his point of view.
    At the same time, if you don't like answering questions on if he looks hot, simply tell him you're not comfortable or knowledgeable.

    But that's just me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 16, 2009 9:42 PM GMT
    Matia79 saidI'm not sure I agree with whosyourpaddy. I can understand if you're uncomfortable talking about his sexual conquests and in him walking around naked or half- naked. For this you simply have to tell him where your boundaries are.

    In terms of his food...simply decline politely and explain it's not a reflection of his cooking but your own dietary needs. It's not a lie nor is it offensive...it's simply the truth put forward in a diplomatic way.

    As for your concerns about his attire and whatnot, I do wonder if maybe it's you who are being slightly unreasonable. We're not all comfortable with this sort of over-the-top behaviour, agreed, but he's trying to be who he is and discovering new things about himself all the time. God, he's got to be scared shitless. Try to see it from his point of view.
    At the same time, if you don't like answering questions on if he looks hot, simply tell him you're not comfortable or knowledgeable.

    But that's just me.


    Thanks Bro! yeah I think you're right on the points.
    . I'm willing to compromise and talk, not wanting him to move out.
    . I'm being more careful now with my diet.
    . Yeah, I believe drag queens/trans guys have it very tough.
    Hm, I'm kind of bracing myself to maybe have the talk of "please, don't show me your nude pics, or walk around the house naked ---*thinking in my mind how he keeps showing us his tummy! icon_confused.gif
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jun 16, 2009 10:00 PM GMT
    I think you should tell him exactly what you told us here:

    I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm pretty much a confirmed gay guy who act pretty straight (I watch basketball games and love action movies for god sakes). He's bonding with me in a sort girly-way (he even called us Girls multiple times - which I hate lol) - and I can't really relate. I mean I'm a nice guy - I just don't think I'm the best person for him to talk to about women shoes, make-ups, high-heels, salsa music, exotic foreign food.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 16, 2009 11:29 PM GMT
    whosyourpaddy saidId say get rid of em...i have a funny feeling that if you anger him somehow with trying to talk to him, he may take it way out of context and get really irrational. Protect yourself and your roomate, not to mention your house and neighbour relations.


    what paddy said
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 16, 2009 11:42 PM GMT
    Wuts more important da rent or ur spaceicon_question.gif Try and make ur'self less accessible to him/her icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 17, 2009 12:07 AM GMT
    I lived with a woman and even though we are still great firends, I was kind of accosted in the beginning with "are you going to help me pick out my outfits? do my hair?" and a whole lot of other female things that I begrudgingly tried to be helpful about. I have no interest whatsoever, and eventually she got that, but it took time and care. You don't really want to be avoiding or try to condition the response by being evasive in any way because that might make "her" feel like you are avoiding, being shady, or non-inclusive.

    I think my roomate eventually got used to the fact that despite being gay that I have little if any fashion sense, I am color blind (red/green), and I don't know how to put on makeup or choose clothing for women. (And I cannot think of anything more unstimulating) but she was a great friend.

    So my recommendation is to just be honest, I would say that you should just be open about how you feel. One technique that always seems to work in that situation for me is to begin what you are going to say with some derivative of "please don't be offended" Humor might also work. "I care about heels about as much as you care about _____" and laugh and let her know that it is NOT her but your interests that are different and try to supplement that with common ground. She like basketball? You could always as her about that...it may drive the point home.

    My former roomate was an attorney and dressed pretty conservatively; she would try to get me to help her find clothes, I flat out told her ...go to Bebe and dress like a slut, it will make you look hot and you will get laid more; It was truly how I feel...I personally like looknig at hot women in trashy clothes even if there is no attraction.

    It was then that she realized that even gay men still want to see women look like whores. LOL She stopped asking my opinion on fashion and we have lots of other things in common.

    It may take time.

    On the sex thing, and the nudity.

    I am sensing that this freeness is an inviting kind of thing for her, meaning that she might think she hit the jackpot, in moving in with hot guys; if that is the case, that may be a little more touchy. The worst thing in the world is when you have a roomate that is attracted to you and you are not attracted to them. It's like being in prison especially if you are used to walking around in your draws.

    Good Luck and I think you are handling it the right way in being nice; she'll eventually get it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 17, 2009 12:22 AM GMT
    SexySwimmer saidHey all - I don't think this is a serious topic but more like a tips/advices on how to live with another roommate. I should tell you guys the situation. Please chime in positive things if you can.

    . Ok, I currently live with the bf in a 3 bedroom/victorian flat. It's a cool place, He and I have no problems as roommate (just tiny things that we can both over-look). So recently, we had this roommate moved in about 2 weeks ago. He's a 39 yrs old (just came out 3-5 yrs ago) transsexual/guy-trapped-in-girl-gene roommate. Here are some things I observed about him - that made me a bit uncomfortable.

    1./ He works as a make-up artist/hair-dresser. He has a lot of high heels/stilettos women shoes. He keeps showing it to me and the bf and asked - if he looks hot and pretty. (he's not the greatest looking guy in the world - i think the main thing with him is his body (a little chubby) and he has acne on his face). I tried to be polite and nice about it a couple of time and say that I don't know anything about women shoes, make-up or how he looks in his dress/women clothing. And yeah, sometimes he showed his naked pics on his laptop/photo album, too. I feel so uncomfortable looking at it.

    2./ Since he moved in, the bf and I toned down on walking the around in our undies or towels after the shower. (we tried to show less skin) and he started to show more skin (like walking around the house in his towel, playing in his room in his undie and called us over to hang out .... etc). You know, I think he's a nice guy - it's just I don't want to see all of my roommate naked in the buff.

    3./ He's Malaysian/Chinese mixed something so he cooked a lot of exotic food. (like really fat/greasy/oily food). I ate his food twice and had an upset stomach problem at both times. So now, knowing that my diet/body is very sensitive to fat/oil, I try to turn down his meal/cuisine in a nice way. I told him that I'm going on a more veggies/bland diet and I want to get in shape for summer. So I think he understands.

    4./ I think he's trying to be my new BFF or something. Sometimes he opens up about his guys/exes and try to get me to a Salsa gay and straight clubs - and talked about his sexual conquests/sex clubs stories (which I don't want to hear sometimes). I usually politely said no and I can't go clubbing bc I'm not single. He's still warm and fuzzy about the feelings.

    . I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm pretty much a confirmed gay guy who act pretty straight (I watch basketball games and love action movies for god sakes). He's bonding with me in a sort girly-way (he even called us Girls multiple times - which I hate lol) - and I can't really relate. I mean I'm a nice guy - I just don't think I'm the best person for him to talk to about women shoes, make-ups, high-heels, salsa music, exotic foreign food.

    . Should I tell him to make more connections with other drag queens and tell him to tone down on the cooking greasy food, walking around the house almost naked and stop telling me his sexual stories? I think it's necessary to draw the line/boundaries when you're living with a roommate sometimes.


    Honestly dude, if it bothers you and your bf that much, kick him out. If you have no reason to keep him there and there are plenty of other people (that are much more "normal") kick his ass out, nobody in the world is making you do something that you don't have to nor making you put up with anything you don't want to.

    You're an adult, you decide how you run your life. Stop relying on what other people think or of their opinions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 17, 2009 12:27 AM GMT
    The armchair-psychologist speaks:icon_rolleyes.gif

    What a loaded situation

    Sexy, what I get from your op is that the guy seems to be coming on to you in a underhanded way, with the parading around in his undies, showing off his nudie-pix and asking you guys out or over to 'hang'.
    One way to get self-confidence was for him to sleep with many guys and now he is trying to impress you with his conquests.
    Girlfriend is also looking for a boost of self-esteem in her transition process hence asking you to confirm that she looks hot in her stuff.

    At this point you have to decide whether you want to head for the hills or laugh it all off.
    If you are not comfy with stuff he's doing tell him that it's too much information. Or change the topic to guy stuff like basketball, action movies or if you absolutely must icon_smile.gif Madonna

    Being comfortable with who you are, you should just laugh it off when he calls you girl and call him dude or something masculine in return.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 17, 2009 5:36 AM GMT
    Draoiocht said


    Honestly dude, if it bothers you and your bf that much, kick him out. If you have no reason to keep him there and there are plenty of other people (that are much more "normal") kick his ass out, nobody in the world is making you do something that you don't have to nor making you put up with anything you don't want to.

    You're an adult, you decide how you run your life. Stop relying on what other people think or of their opinions.


    Well - it's not a serious issue yet to kick anyone out. My purpose of starting this thread is to ask opinions & advices! not to start flame wars - and since I don't know much about drag queens. I think others here might know a thing or two. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 19, 2009 1:33 AM GMT
    For me, the funny irony is that, when asked similar shoes/clothing questions, my standard response is, “hey, I’m bi, not gay. What do I know?” LOL! Ah well…

    Anyway… Obviously it is very hard to walk a line between being nice and polite and just being TOO honest with someone who is getting on your nerves. I have met, as I’m sure we all have, a couple of people who are just too over the top for our comfort level. Folks who are way too “friendly” and sharing than we would like them to be. If you are too nice, they keep going and, if you happen to live with them, you end up feeling trapped in your own home.

    The only suggestion I have is to find a boundary setting device. Perhaps “TMI” would work in this case. The naked pictures on the laptop? Half jokingly exclaim, “whoa, TMI man!” A little laugh to make it seem a bit less critical, but stick by it. Gory details of the latest conquest? “Wow, glad you had fun, but TMI!” Smile, be polite, but let something like TMI be your marker. A verbal indication, however humorous, that this is as far as the conversation or situation needs to go. With any luck, your roommate will quickly learn your boundaries.

    Just be firm and consistent with what triggers a TMI response and you should be good. The nice thing is, such a thing can be done in a nice or joking manner. As always, there is always someone who refuses to take a hint. I hope this is not the case for you. Blunt honesty is about the only other option at that point. I wish you luck!

    Maybe next time your roommate asks for your fashion advice you could simply say, “hey, I’m gay, not bi. What do I know?” LOL!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 19, 2009 2:56 AM GMT
    I would stand pat on the sharing his food/diet and helping him with his clothes and makeup.

    The BFF sounds like he is lonely and wants to chat. Maybe you could steer conversations to more amenable topics so he can talk but not make you feel uncomfortable.

    Just thoughts....I have no idea if I am near right.