How do you find out if a guy is gay without getting bashed or slapped??

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 1:40 PM GMT
    Hey, I came out just over a month ago ... and must say, I have been pretty lucky so far, I have been with 3 guys / all referred to by friends.

    I live in a small regional area ... and although alot of the locals are open minded, I am almost scared to be too gay in fear of getting abused ... In the city, nobody cares, but here It feels awkward.

    When I go out to pubs and clubs there are so many hot looking guys that dress and act gay, but who knows if they are???

    I act pretty straight and don't really look too gay ... I don't like to be the center of attention either, but how are you supposed to discretely find out if a guy is gay without making a big deal about it?

    I have been going out with girls, and they are usually keen to have a little hunt around for me, does anyone have any tips, is there any real signs to tell if a guy is definately gay? How do I fix my gaydar?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 2:32 PM GMT
    It seems like there are two issues. They are relationships and sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 3:00 PM GMT
    let's not over-complicate things. the poster is not asking about relationships or sex, merely asking how to spot "eligible guys."

    There really is no typical gay guy. Stevo, you yourself are not "obviously gay" nor (I am guessing) will it be any easier to spot other guys who are trying to be equally discreet.

    You are looking for a roundabout way of asking that has an intent that is clear but gives you a way of backing out if he responds unpleasantly. Are you comfortable yet (and are to safe where you are) to self-identify first? You are in effect trying to find a way of getting the "other guy" to declare first. If you were to declare first by somehow casually and non-threateningly let someone know YOU are gay. That will allow him then to feel safe with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 4:13 PM GMT
    Hey, It's all about eye contact and physical contact. One glance can be worth a thousand words. I'm from back in the day when you didn't have internet web sites to tell you who is who and what they like. Look at guys you like in an open and friendly way and see how they look back. If they only look you in the eyes or avoid looking all together move on. If a guy is interested he will dscretely, and someitmes not so discretely give you the up and down once over just like you do when you see someone you think is hot. Then just be respectful and friendly and let things develop. Try to casually touch his shoulder or forearm or if if you are sitting side by side let your knee brush against his. If he jumps at your touch, move on, if he doesn't react be cautious and proceed and if he firmly but gently pushes or touches back, it's a good indication. Also being a"regular guy" by slapping guys on the back and firm hand shakes and an arm around the shoulder are good ways to make physical contact. Just don't be timid and creepy about it, all guys hate that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 4:14 PM GMT
    Oh yeah if he looks at your box it's pretty much "in the bag" :-)
  • MisterT

    Posts: 1272

    Nov 18, 2007 4:58 PM GMT
    I'm masculine also, and I definitely don't stick out so I know your dilemma. I have been told many times that I wasn't easy to approach because someone was intimidated because they thought I was straight. I hate the term straight acting for a few reasons, one is that I'm masculine/butch and not pretending to be something I'm not, but I will digress.

    ercule is right about eye contact, that is usually how I tell, and is generally non threatening. Sometimes in a crowded place eye contact is difficult, at that point(if i have worked up enough courage to approach someone) I introduce myself with a firm handshake and talk a bit, usually the gay/straight info will out soon after. if they cruise you or check out your backside, they are most likely gay, bi or heteroflexible.

    As far as what a box is on a guy, I don't know, girls have boxes, guy have cans and baskets/packages. Am I missing something here?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 5:43 PM GMT
    box. Lunchbox.

    ercule you've said it all perfectly.
    icon_smile.gif
  • atxclimber

    Posts: 480

    Nov 18, 2007 6:02 PM GMT
    ercule! Brilliant! I've always been totally oblivious to getting cruised (one of my exes, with whom I lived in San Francisco, would routinely note with irritation that some guy had just cruised me and I'd excitedly ask, "Who?! Where?!" hahaha)

    But for whatever reason I never thought of stuff like "If he's gay he won't just make eye contact." It seems kind of obvious now -- as you say, I certainly do it back.

    Of course now I'm going to have to learn not to be so oblivious; historically I wouldn't notice if a large purple elephant were looking me up and down from the other side of the room.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 9:12 PM GMT
    I've never managed to meet guys outside of the internet.The reason is because i have personal anxiety issues about being "found out".I just always knew i wasn't supposed to. Rediculous, i am saying this because i know a guy is going to read this thread with the same problem.
    I KNOW all the signs. I get stared at from across the room. I get winked at, guys look at my box and my ass...guys lock eye contact with me so damn hard i have to be the one to break and look away (so intense and all.) Still, I haven't been laid by townie dick before because despite all the clues I still feel like i'm not supposed to. icon_sad.gif

  • MisterT

    Posts: 1272

    Nov 18, 2007 9:34 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're not comfortable with your sexuality Guilty Gear.

    I totally play up the eye contact and body language if I'm out and happen to notice someone cruise me, who I also think is attractive or sexy. Although, it rarely happens, small gay populations here that is actually out, most of the gay guys here, are in the closet, only looking for hookups(not my thing), too dramatic, or otherwise unavailable.

    Maybe box is a term more commonly used closer to the east coast, here it's used to reference a girl's "area",lol. Here you get laughed at if you refer to a box on a guy, unless it's the delivery man, actually carrying a real box.
  • trebor965

    Posts: 200

    Nov 18, 2007 9:52 PM GMT
    townie dick! hahaha. and good luck finding gay fellas.

    i wise gay boss said to me once "do you know the difference between gay guys and straight guys?" i replied with a vague shrug. His answer was simple. "A six pack of beer."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 10:38 PM GMT
    so far I haven't seen anyone on this site that doesn't "look" gay. Since there are all types of gay people out in the world. Mostly it seems that approaching someone is a matter of confidence and self esteem. If you feel like you are worth getting to know and/or have something to offer it will certainly be readable in your deportment.
    Boy, you west coast queens are pretty easily amused and sound fairly intolerant of others use of slang terms.:-D
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 10:56 PM GMT
    Funny, you don't look gay...no one on your hotlist looks gay!.icon_evil.gif maarrrr, i'm starting to feel real angry.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 11:19 PM GMT
    He Guilty Gear,
    I just checked my hot list and my buddy list and they all look pretty gay to me. I took a quick peek in the mirror as well and I don't see how anyone wouldn't think I am gay. I'm single and in great shape and 48 years old. Think about it.
    G.G. you too look gay to me. I mean that in a good way. It's in your eyes. so don't get angry.( BTW is that what happened to your kitchen? :-D )
    I think you are as hot as a man can get, but definitly gay.
    Besides, I think when a discussion gets personal we should take it to the email or the IMs. ;-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 11:32 PM GMT
    just say it in a very stereotypical manly voice...''yo, son, you gay? cause I was thinking me and you can cuddle and shit...aight?.'' That always works for me...LOL!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2007 11:38 PM GMT
    hey frankie can you call me tonight??? :-D I think I'm hooked:-D
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Nov 19, 2007 12:53 AM GMT
    i would just walk up and kiss him. if he slips me the tongue....he's gay!! lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2007 1:30 AM GMT
    ercule has some great advice. I found that also a gay guy will always look you in the eye longer and with more interest than a straight guy will.
    Good luck
    Joe
  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    Nov 19, 2007 1:51 AM GMT
    With some of them, you don't need to find out beforehand:

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33540
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2007 2:21 AM GMT
    To funny!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2007 10:22 AM GMT
    Well Well Well ... ur all funny, and who knew my post would be the start of a relationship ... Haha ... Mr T, I took your advice in and really appreciate it, think we are kind of in the same boat ... (and ur pic is hot 2) and the rest of ya's are just funny, but got some really cool words of advice. Must say, I didn't know what a "box" was either, but its pretty self explanatory, here in West Oz, us folk call a womans private part a MINGE! ... but this all proves there is no real "set in stone" way for us normal (non superbitch) gay blokes to pick up unless we actually put ourselves out there. Just a shame its not as easy as with girls, I used to go out all the time before I came out and practically got head hunted by horny minges ... just a shame i dont like em hehe XXXXX luv ya's all,
    and thanks heaps
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 22, 2007 11:18 AM GMT
    ercule i thought your original post was beautifully put. i was transported to happy times in the past.

    stevo the simple answer is go to a gay bar/club. if you are unfortunate enough to hit on one of the few straight guys there that's their problem.

    'I found that also a gay guy will always look you in the eye longer and with more interest than a straight guy will.'

    i agree maxx10, most straight guys look you in the eye and there's not a flicker but what about those straight guys who give you that 'knowing' look? can be confusing sometimes. seen that so many times with mixed results.icon_wink.gif

    we have a gay cafe/bar in london called 'box'. can't remember if it's predominantly lesbian or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 22, 2007 7:15 PM GMT
    i've learned SO much reading this post here. I love it. I've always have problem, or shy, exchanging looks with people. The better looking the guy, the less i dare to look at them in the eyes! I think it require a lot of self confidence, and security to do so. But I love to read this and see that side of the world.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 22, 2007 8:14 PM GMT
    OK, just for the record: if a guy slaps you when you're trying to find out if he's gay, he's probably gay! LOL


    icon_evil.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 23, 2007 8:37 AM GMT
    Growingmuscnyc is probably most accurate with what he said. I have never been very good with telling wether someone is gay or not. I have also never been scared to ask... No straight guy has ever slapped me for asking him wheter he is gay or not. In fact most of them took it as a compliment lol.
    There was once one guy who did take great offence and wanted to beat me up for telling him that he is gay (we were alone and he had no reason to feel threatened because I was'nt even hitting on him). He came to visit me last month, two years down the line, and told me that he is realy gay. And that he feels asshamed of his previous reaction because he was scared of his fellow peers at college. My advice would be to ask... It has always worked out pretty well for me. icon_wink.gif