Outed by gay friends...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 1:52 AM GMT
    Hey y'all

    Last night I found out that two of my gay friends felt it appropriate to out me to 2 of my straight friends. Not in a "we want to support him so be forewarned" but in a "Like, OMG! Guess what scoop I have?" sort of way.

    Of course this led to the outing spreading amongst my crew like wildfire.

    I've been taking my time, telling people on my timetable when I feel safe.

    I'm appalled that someone felt it was OK to tell my story. Guess I sort of figured if anyone would handle it with discretion, it would be those in the "family."

    I spoke with both of the outers, who a) blamed it on being drunk and b) didn't seem to understand that I'm disappointed that they felt it was acceptable to tell MY story. I don't get to go back and do it my way.

    Any advice?

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Nov 19, 2007 1:57 AM GMT
    I think you should consider getting new gay friends.
    Thats horrible. The "I'm drunk" excuse doesn't mean anything to me. They don't care about your feelings or where your at with this. For me thats a deal breaker.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 19, 2007 2:33 AM GMT
    Seriously, your friends are @$$holes. I wouldn't be surprised if they try to throw it back on you like you should have already come out and it's not a big deal.

    The issue isn't that they outed you, it's that they betrayed your trust.

    If they are in your circle of friends, and you have to see them, I'd be cordial and polite, but I'd never trust them agaon.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 2:56 AM GMT

    They betrayed you. Gay people can be jerks just as much as straight people. Hard lesson.

    Find new friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 3:05 AM GMT
    It sucks, but it's pretty inevitable. Once you put a foot outside the closet door, other people will drag you all the way out. Out of curiosity, were your straight friends upset?
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    Nov 19, 2007 3:42 AM GMT
    Their not freinds and never were.

    Get away from them as soon possible and find some true freinds.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 4:20 AM GMT
    Someone told my mother I was gay and hanging out in Gay clubs. I never found out who had the audacity to do such a thing.

    Then I another situation that, I was hanging out with this really attractive military guy. He was str8 and we were just friends. As usual gay guys were suspicious or jealous. They ended up tell him I was gay. The part that made them upset was that he didn’t care.

    I think that’s why they told because they were envious. I think they hated the fact that the straight guys accepted you.

    That’s why they told. It’s sad their jealousy.

    One of my favorite things to do is bring hot straight guys to gay clubs and watch how the queens get upset. LOL Trying so desperately to get my friends. I just look at them and laugh.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 4:35 AM GMT
    In a way, they actually did you a favour; you just don't see it yet.
    If it weren't for such "friends", you (and I) might still be waiting to "feel safe".
    Could it be that the ones you haven't told yet are the very ones you've been avoiding the longest?
    Celebrate! You don't have to go back and do it your way; its done!
    Deep breath in... Deep breath out... Appreciate... Smile. Welcome to a brave new world.
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    Nov 19, 2007 5:01 AM GMT
    I'm with Aero, really. It's part of what happens. You can't on the one hand make a decision to "come out," which means being public about your sexuality, and then completely control who tells what to whom when.

    When this happened to me, I know my friends meant me utterly no harm, even though it annoyed the shit out of me. But it was soon forgotten.

    Actually, you can't even have sex with a member of your own gender and really expect people to protect your privacy. We come out precisely so that we don't have to hide.

    And, hey, I was MARRIED when my faggot friends used their megaphones.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 5:08 AM GMT
    I agree with Aero and OW, too. You go through that new experience pissed off but eventually you see that now you have freedom that you didn't have before. There are two cliques in my town that go everywhere together and shut me out, along with a few my friends and I wondered why. Then I did the math and realized that they are all closeted and they live in fear of what others would think. I would hate to be in that place again.

    I will tell you one GREAT thing about being an out gay man: you now have a barometer for sincerity and intelligence. People who have a problem with you will always prove to be people you never have to worry about. Now you just find that out earlier.
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    Nov 19, 2007 5:20 AM GMT
    Aero & Obscene I have to respectfully disagree.
    Yours is the same logic that empowered COjock's "friends" to out him against his wishes... "they actually did you a favour"

    I've read many of your posts and it's great that you are all out and proud and no doubt your heart is in the right place, but there is a just a hint of superiority in those posts. As if perhaps we're not as evolved as you are.

    As similar as all our situations might be, we are also very different. I've talked to dozens of guys on RJ who have very real reasons for not being out to this person, group, or specific family member.

    Coming out is not black & white for all of us; please allow for a little gray. We've all got to find own path in our own time.
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    Nov 19, 2007 5:21 AM GMT
    What they did may be beneficial to you (or not, don't know how it will turn out). But if someone did something like that to me I would stop being their friend in an instant. I like to be able to trust my friends, and I don't think I could trust someone who would out me, or disclose anything else about me contrary to my wishes.
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    Nov 19, 2007 5:32 AM GMT
    USM: I don't especially think his friends did him a favor but I think it's extremely naive to think that once you start having sex with members of your own gender or begin the process of publicly outing yourself that you can control how that goes.

    If you think there's an assumption of "superiority" in holding the individual accountable for the consequences of his actions, so be it.

    You're also misinformed. I support people staying in the closet or delaying coming out when its impractical to do otherwise. (I was married, remember? I have gay clients who are married.) In fact, my opinion in that regard caused a former member here to stage a thermonuclear queen fit that led him to exit the site.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Nov 19, 2007 10:01 AM GMT

    Did anyone die?

    Have you been ostracised by the community?

    These guys sound like jerks, but as Aero and OW (to some extent) said they've probably done you a favour in the long run, as being in the closet isn't a great place to be.

    So it happened sooner rather than later and not as you'd had liked.

    It's done with now. People know, so all's well that ends well.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 10:11 AM GMT
    In my opinion, coming out is a personal process each of us must deal with in our own way in our own time frame... no one has the right to "out" anyone else... EVER. Not for ANY reason. Real friends, who understand the responsibilities of being a "friend" and the true value of friendship will not do such things. Period.

    Alcohol consumption, by the way, is never a valid excuse for anything... including outing a friend, cheating on a lover, or killing someone with your car. A reason... certainly... but never a valid excuse.

    Sure, you don't have to actually do it yourself now, thanks to them. But that's not the point. The point is that they betrayed your trust because they're flaming gossips and they're apparently not men enough to take ownership of their own actions, so they figure "let's blame it on the booze". Personally, I'd be kicking some "friends" to the curb post haste... it won't undo what's been done, but it should get the point across that betrayal is betrayal, which tends to negate trust, which tends to negate friendship...

    OW... "a thermonuclear queen fit", huh? Haven't seen one of those in ages! icon_lol.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Nov 19, 2007 11:42 AM GMT
    Your friends were wrong but notwithstanding they kind of did you a favor
    coming out is like taking off a bandaid
    take it off in little tiny increments and it pulls on the hairs and hurts like hell for an extended period of time
    ...do it really fast in one fell swoop and it's done
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    Nov 19, 2007 12:16 PM GMT
    Why on earth were you hiding / leading a life of deceit?

    They had no business doing it, of course, but, you'll find that integrity is always a better way.

    Anytime you lead a dishonest life and are a dishonest person, you'll have issues like this. Best to be a better person, to begin with.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 19, 2007 12:34 PM GMT
    Yes, anyone who didn't know they were gay right from the womb is totally dishonest if they don't hold a press conference to discuss their sexuality.
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    Nov 19, 2007 12:38 PM GMT
    CO, I'm in agreement that your "friends" blew your trust. I don't see this as a point in whether or not they did you a favor in the long-run or now, it's a matter of betrayal. Coming out is a personal thing and they took away your choice in how you handled it yourself. Could it or has it happened to many of us in some way? Probably. But maybe not by people we regarded as our friends or confidants doing so in a gossipy "OMG, have I got a scoop" manner. They disrespected your personal situation, they dismissed your feelings, and they did it in a self-serving, reaction-getting way. And the "oops must have been the alcohol" excuse doesn't sound much like they feel bad about it either.
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    Nov 19, 2007 1:19 PM GMT
    While I do understand what OW, Aero and some others are saying - I agree with Nativedude on this one.

    There is no excuse for betraying someones trust and Outing someone against their will - especially for something as frivalous as the 'Oh wow gossip factor'.

    The only time I can sort of sympathise with someone Outing someone else is when someone speaks up Outs someone who is a very hypocritical public religious or political figure thats active in their oppression of the LGBT communitty.

    Otherwise it is a personal and private decision that a person should be allowed to deal with in their own way and time.

    Almost all of us have been there and found it difficult, surely we can have some sympathy with those still going through the process.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Nov 19, 2007 1:24 PM GMT
    I can kind of see both sides of what has been put forward here. I still hold that COJock1974 should consider getting friends that hold his personal interests in a sincere manner. The "way" they outed
    him bothers me a great deal.

    Several here said "its a part of the territory" or even
    suggested that he was "hiding" or lacking integrity. The former statement is probably true, the latter doesn't make any sense. If CO was insinuating he was straight and he was outed, I'd agree with that last statement, but he wasn't.

    What was done should probably have been expected, but
    I don't think it was a positive thing to have happened or "a favor" at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2007 1:34 PM GMT
    I had a bad experience where my ex.... a former fiance... a woman... outed me to everyone to make herself feel better. In the end, anyone that truly cared about me didn't care at all that I was gay. I don't think what your friends did was right, but it should tell you who accepts you no matter what. I was involved with a guy who wasn't completely open with his friends and family about being gay. It only holds you back from having a fulfilling relationship by getting comfortable and taking your time coming out to people in your life. Needless to say that didn't last long. Things happen for a reason and I hope you realized who your true friends are in the end. Don't dwell on the hurt and the negative.
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Nov 19, 2007 1:50 PM GMT
    Being outed is never fun. The folks who disclose personal, private information about you to others have no right to do so and are best excluded from your life.

    You can be outed for anything you hold private, whether it's being gay, practicing Wicca, binge-eating carrots, having cancer, or having an enormous wang. The fact is, your secrets are yours to tell, not other peoples, and anyone who shares your secrets is a jerk regardless of what the secret is. We all have a right to our privacy, it's a shame other people don't always respect that.
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    Nov 19, 2007 1:52 PM GMT
    Like OW and Aero have said, once you start to let this genie out of the bottle, there's no stuffing it back in and you discover all kinds of unintended consequences.

    I kept a list of people I'd told when I first started coming out. It was when I realized the "and she told two friends" phenomenon was taking over that I stopped keeping the list. That and my list was about to go to two pages! icon_lol.gif

    I appreciate that you think your 'friends' screwed you over but trust me - in 10 years, you're gonna laugh and wonder why you thought it was a big deal. At least I hope you do.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Nov 19, 2007 1:58 PM GMT
    I'm playing devil's advocate a bit here and am being a bit hard but..

    COjock is 32, not 16, and it was about time he got round to being honest with the people he considers friends.

    Being Gay is, and should be, a very big part of a person's life and divering around waiting for a right time to tell people is ultimately just stalling.

    If you want to keep your private life private then don't tell anyone at all. You should know better than expect gossipy Gay men to keep your dark secrets.