Online Hookup Gone Wrong

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 2:44 AM GMT
    Here is my situation. I'm still not really open with the gay thing and have only been recently experimenting with guys. For me it is easier to find a hookup online via Craigslist. A few weeks ago I posted an ad on craigslist looking to hookup with another guy that is in decent shape, attractive, and most importantly, masculine acting (also disease free and protection being a must). Additionally, I stated that I was relatively inexperienced and discretion was a necessity.

    Anyways, a guy responded with pics and claimed he was masculine acting. He was OK with discretion and claimed that he was also closeted. I went to his place and discovered that he completely lied in his response. The pics he sent were several years old and he was actually out of shape. I didn't really care about the body issue and he was really quiet at first so I decided to continue hooking up with him. We started kissing and getting undressed and he started getting vocal and his mannerisms became apparent - if he acted any gayer he would be flaming. Since that is my biggest turnoff, I apologized, got dressed, and told him I couldn't do it because of inexperience (plus the fact that he lied made it a huge turnoff as well).

    Fast forward a few weeks, I bumped into him at my gym. He flamboyantly waved and was trying to be flirty. I nodded to him and kept working out but he kept glaring at me and smiling. Worse off, he and his friends are extremely flamboyant and make their sexuality obvious.

    Now I know I am not faultless here and made a stupid mistake, but what is the best way to deal with this? Should I just confront him and remind him that the hookup was only a hookup and how we talked about discretion? I am being an ass at the gym by not looking at him and keeping my ipod in my ears, but I feel like he is purposefully going to the gym at the same time I am (as I never saw him there when I worked out there). I'm hoping that he was equally embarrassed for responding to an online hookup, but based on his loud conversations with his gay cohorts, he is not shy about his previous sexual exploits.

    I have a few friends that go to the gym and none of my friends know that I am gay (not really hiding it from them, but I don't think my sexuality is any of their business and I prefer the ambiguity). Plus I really don't want them knowing that I was hooking up with dudes on craigslist. Sorry for the long winded response, but what do you guys think? I really like my gym and don't want to be forced out because of a stupid impulse, but I'm afraid that if I confront this guy it will make matters worse.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    Can you mix up your schedule?

    Keep your headphones on and focus on your workout.

    *Don't* engage her or her posse in conversation nor even eye contact.
    If she tries to engage you say something like: " I'm here to work out, get in better shape, and mind my own business. Maybe you should try it? "
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 3:11 AM GMT
    wow...you got balls going to a stranger's place...no brains, but real balls. Meet in a public place first to check someone out. And what makes you think he is disease free? ....oh right, cuz he told you so....like all the rest he told you ... icon_wink.gif

    Dont do that again. And if you do and things dont look like they were advertised, don't hesitate to turn and leave. You dont owe him anything.

    I want you to grow old, like me.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jun 20, 2009 3:32 AM GMT
    This sounds like a nightmare come true.

    Chuck has some good suggestions, especially about changing your schedule. Though I'd be wary of criticizing to his face about minding his business. It can work on some people, even bringing them to the point of tears, depending on how much it hurts them. However, for some, it just might fuel their flame. And they'll get some sadistic pleasure knowing what your weakness is.

    Do you think an e-mail could work? If you think it will, don't mention you have friends who attend the gym and that you don't want them to know — that'll be like giving the guy ammo, and be respectful and remind him that you would like to keep private matters private. The guy has lied about his appearance and has broken your trust and doesn't deserve respect, but you need to sever the ties with this guy and do it without complication. Some queens can be vindictive.

    And as Caslon said, do meet in public first.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 4:29 AM GMT
    I think the damage is done. Obviously everything he told you was a lie. He only told you the things you wanted to hear. The guy probably gossiped about you to everyone he knows at the gym.. gay and straight.

    I don't think you should confront him. By the way you describe him, he'll probably turn it into a flirtatious game if you say something. Just continue what you're doing.. Just give him a friendly nod whenever you see him and crank up your music.

    If he ever comes up to you and starts something. Just chase him away with some witty/scathing comments. Don't get mad or aggressive about it. Just remind him how unfortunate it was that he had to lie about himself in order attract someone.

    And WTF? Why are you using Craigslist? You're a good looking guy. I think you can manage just fine on your own. icon_wink.gif

    But if you choose to continue with the CL route, follow everyone's advice. Meet up in a public place first. Offer to meet up at a Starbucks or something near his place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 5:44 AM GMT
    Omg craigslist are you crazy!icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 8:12 AM GMT
    Have him... taken care of

    mafia.jpg

  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 20, 2009 9:15 AM GMT
    How about you first come to terms with your sexuality so you can experiment with people openly without the all the cloak and daggers and the common lies of internet personal ads? That would be my two cents worth.
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    Jun 20, 2009 5:31 PM GMT
    I have actually met a couple of decent guys who are actually in a similar circumstance to myself. I have tried going to the gay hangouts in Dallas, but the only guys who peruse those places are the exact guys I am not attracted to - very flamboyant and feminine. I have nothing against feminine guys, I am just not attractive to those types at all. I don't know anything about other cities, but there is no such thing as an androgynous gay scene here in Dallas - hence my focus on craigslist. Where else can "in-the-closet" types meet up guys who are not two shades of lipstick away from being in a Cher look-a-like contest? Again, not my finest moment, but unfortunately one of the few options out there in this city.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 20, 2009 6:59 PM GMT
    SavvyGentleman saidI have actually met a couple of decent guys who are actually in a similar circumstance to myself. I have tried going to the gay hangouts in Dallas, but the only guys who peruse those places are the exact guys I am not attracted to - very flamboyant and feminine. I have nothing against feminine guys, I am just not attractive to those types at all. I don't know anything about other cities, but there is no such thing as an androgynous gay scene here in Dallas - hence my focus on craigslist. Where else can "in-the-closet" types meet up guys who are not two shades of lipstick away from being in a Cher look-a-like contest? Again, not my finest moment, but unfortunately one of the few options out there in this city.


    I dont go to any gay bars or hangouts myself. What I am saying is get yourself out of the closet first, come to terms with your sexuality. Then you can ask someone out that you fancy at your gym, or your friend can introduce you to his/her friend who is also gay and looking for a relationship, and so on, and there is no need to resort to either shady online personal ads or real life hangouts filled with guys you are not attracted to.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 20, 2009 7:13 PM GMT
    Stay the hell away from craigslist. But read the ads once in a while because they're usually pretty funny. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 7:14 PM GMT
    SavvyGentleman saidI have actually met a couple of decent guys who are actually in a similar circumstance to myself. I have tried going to the gay hangouts in Dallas, but the only guys who peruse those places are the exact guys I am not attracted to - very flamboyant and feminine. I have nothing against feminine guys, I am just not attractive to those types at all. I don't know anything about other cities, but there is no such thing as an androgynous gay scene here in Dallas - hence my focus on craigslist. Where else can "in-the-closet" types meet up guys who are not two shades of lipstick away from being in a Cher look-a-like contest? Again, not my finest moment, but unfortunately one of the few options out there in this city.

    We used to have the hanky code: ... icon_lol.gif

    Black SM Indicates the wearer's interest in hardcore SM play, especially whipping.

    Grey Bondage Play involving limiting the bottom's ability to move or to escape.

    White Mutual masturbation

    Red Fisting

    Light blue Oral sex Wearing it in the left back pocket indicates willingness to receive oral fellatio. Wearing it in the right back pocket indicates desire to perform oral fellatio.

    Navy Blue Anal sex Wearing it in the left back pocket indicates a preference to be the dominant/top during sexual anal intercourse. Wearing it in the right back pocket indicates a preference to be the submissive/bottom during sexual anal intercourse.

    Pink (Hot Pink) Dildos

    Charcoal Latex, PVC, or Rubber Fetish

    Yellow Watersports Urinating on (left), or being urinated upon by (right), another person

    Medium Blue Uniform fetish Police uniforms or uniforms worn by other authority figures

    Teal Cock and ball torture

    Khaki Military Sex (Uniform fetish) Likes wearing military uniforms

    Olive drab Military person Left: A military top; Right: a military bottom

    Kelly green sex for money Left: a male prostitute; right: a john (someone looking for a prostitute)

    Hunter green Daddy/boy sex Looking for a boy (left) or looking for a daddy (right)

    Brown Scat

    Orange Few limits Wearers of orange bandanas are among the most experienced of leathermen or fetishists. Their fetishes are so numerous that the wearing of numerous bandanas would be impractical. When worn on the left, orange indicates that the wearer will top in relatively any fetish, anytime, anywhere. Conversely, when orange is worn on the right, it indicates the wearer will bottom in relatively any fetish, anytime, anywhere. Depending on the area you are from and the time frame orange on the right may mean not looking for any action right now. There is sometimes a stigma about "flagging" orange as it is sometimes thought that anyone willing to advertise an interest in "anything, any time, anywhere" is either mentally unstable or ignorant of what may really lay waiting.

    Robin Egg Blue (Pale Robin Egg Blue) 69

    Aqua (Printer's Cyan) Aquaphilia Having sex in water, such as in a bathtub, shower or swimming pool

    Lime Sitophilia Eating food off someone's body or having food eaten off one's body

    Chamois Motorcycle sex Indicates the wearer is looking for sex involving a motorcycle as a prop, or involving one or more bikers in the sexual activities.

    Mauve Navel fetish

    Dark Pink Tit torture

    Magenta (Printer’s Magenta) Armpits Left: likes armpits licked; right: likes to lick armpits

    Fuchsia Spanking

    Purple (HTML/CSS color) Piercings

    Lavender (Bright Lavender) Cross dressing / Gender play

    Mustard (Gold Ochre) Size queen

    Gold (Golden) Menage-a-trois Two looking for one (left) or one looking for two (right)

    Apricot Chubby chaser

    Peach Bear or cub who is interested in sex with another bear or cub

    Beige (Desert Sand) Rimming Anal-oral contact

    Rust Ponyism

    Camouflage Rugged outdoorsman Having sex outdoors in the country (such as when going camping)

    Gingham Urban outdoorsman Having sex in city parks

    Argyle Geeks A geek or nerd (left) or interested in geeks or nerds (right)

    Doily (an actual doily, not a bandana with a doily pattern) Tearoom trade Likes to have sex in tearooms

    Gold (metallic gold) lamé Muscle sex Looking for sex with bodybuilders

    Silver (metallic silver) lamé Starfucker Looking for a rock star or male groupie

    Black leather bandana Leather fetish

    Burnt umber Extreme fetish Generally reserved for extreme fetishes such as sexual acts entailing bestiality or amputation. Some consider it inside joke, but many homosexuals frown upon the use of this color.

  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 20, 2009 7:18 PM GMT
    Umm...wow.....more than I ever needed to know, but still morbidly fascinating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 8:13 PM GMT
    Caslon11000 said
    Argyle Geeks A geek or nerd (left) or interested in geeks or nerds (right)


    Oh jeez. Was this based on some sort of psychological study or something. Because almost all my hankies have argyle patterns. icon_eek.gif
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 20, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    Sedative said
    Caslon11000 said
    Argyle Geeks A geek or nerd (left) or interested in geeks or nerds (right)


    Oh jeez. Was this based on some sort of psychological study or something. Because almost all my hankies have argyle patterns. icon_eek.gif


    I have never had or used a handerchief.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2009 9:00 PM GMT
    erm.. damage done. Keep up with your present tactic of polite ignoring.

    and meet people through RJ. It´s not perfect by any means, but there is a better class of pervert on here (verified).

    Better solution is to come out. Simplify.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2009 2:06 PM GMT
    SavvyGentleman saidI have actually met a couple of decent guys who are actually in a similar circumstance to myself. I have tried going to the gay hangouts in Dallas, but the only guys who peruse those places are the exact guys I am not attracted to - very flamboyant and feminine. I have nothing against feminine guys, I am just not attractive to those types at all. I don't know anything about other cities, but there is no such thing as an androgynous gay scene here in Dallas - hence my focus on craigslist. Where else can "in-the-closet" types meet up guys who are not two shades of lipstick away from being in a Cher look-a-like contest? Again, not my finest moment, but unfortunately one of the few options out there in this city.


    I'm gonna recommend dealing with your own internalized homophobia and misogyny before inflicting yourself on the rest of us.

    And, before you protest that you have "nothing against feminine guys" the Cher snipe, and other put downs in both of your posts belie your true feelings.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2009 3:23 PM GMT
    What does misogyny have to do with any of this? icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

    The guy is not attracted to feminine guys and is not comfortable being with one because that would out him to his friends. That doesn't make him a homophobe. And even if he does hate feminine men, homosexual =/= feminine.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 21, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    I would actually confront him. Maybe not in the gym but explain your situation.
    and Carlson1100
    Did you know all the hanky codes by memory. Amazingicon_lol.gif
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jun 21, 2009 4:29 PM GMT
    If sites like craigslist and other hook-up sites are going to be out of the equation, then I say practice abstinence until you are ready to come out.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 21, 2009 5:01 PM GMT
    Christian73 said
    SavvyGentleman saidI have actually met a couple of decent guys who are actually in a similar circumstance to myself. I have tried going to the gay hangouts in Dallas, but the only guys who peruse those places are the exact guys I am not attracted to - very flamboyant and feminine. I have nothing against feminine guys, I am just not attractive to those types at all. I don't know anything about other cities, but there is no such thing as an androgynous gay scene here in Dallas - hence my focus on craigslist. Where else can "in-the-closet" types meet up guys who are not two shades of lipstick away from being in a Cher look-a-like contest? Again, not my finest moment, but unfortunately one of the few options out there in this city.


    I'm gonna recommend dealing with your own internalized homophobia and misogyny before inflicting yourself on the rest of us.

    And, before you protest that you have "nothing against feminine guys" the Cher snipe, and other put downs in both of your posts belie your true feelings.


    Nonsense. I have no sexual attraction to raving flamboyant guys either. It does not make me homophobic or mysogonistic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2009 5:30 PM GMT
    Ok, the guy doesn't have too high a moral standard when it comes to hooking up if he misrepresented himself. On top of all that, you rejected him, which I'm sure has already sent him on a tirade of self righteous indignant outting. He's not going to put himself in your shoes, he's not going to see you as a great guy who deserves a break, he's not ashamed of hooking up off Craig's List. You're the guy who walked out on him, you're pretty much screwed. If you messed around with him at all he's probably already blown it up bragging to his friends as he pointed you out. If you confront him, you'll just make things worse. If you ignore him, he'll eventually lose interest and find someone else to stir up the pot with. You're 21, don't engage in Dramafest 09 with this guy because that's a perfect way to out yourself. If you motivated someone who's out of shape to get into the gym even if it is just to stalk you, great! Maybe he'll continue putting forth the effort to get healthy.

    Yea, and like Caslon said if you're going to meet guys off the internet, meet them for coffee. No one is going to pay attention, and if there is no connection then most people will let it go. Some won't, but at least they didn't have you naked in their beds, and you have your dignity in tact.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    Lostboy saiderm.. damage done. Keep up with your present tactic of polite ignoring.

    and meet people through RJ. It´s not perfect by any means, but there is a better class of pervert on here (verified).

    Better solution is to come out. Simplify.
    Ultimately this last point seems to make the most sense. The OP could have had coffee with this particular guy and experienced the same exact results at the gym.

    Bitter, small people aren't always apparent at first glance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    Delivis said
    Christian73 said
    SavvyGentleman saidI have actually met a couple of decent guys who are actually in a similar circumstance to myself. I have tried going to the gay hangouts in Dallas, but the only guys who peruse those places are the exact guys I am not attracted to - very flamboyant and feminine. I have nothing against feminine guys, I am just not attractive to those types at all. I don't know anything about other cities, but there is no such thing as an androgynous gay scene here in Dallas - hence my focus on craigslist. Where else can "in-the-closet" types meet up guys who are not two shades of lipstick away from being in a Cher look-a-like contest? Again, not my finest moment, but unfortunately one of the few options out there in this city.


    I'm gonna recommend dealing with your own internalized homophobia and misogyny before inflicting yourself on the rest of us.

    And, before you protest that you have "nothing against feminine guys" the Cher snipe, and other put downs in both of your posts belie your true feelings.


    Nonsense. I have no sexual attraction to raving flamboyant guys either. It does not make me homophobic or mysogonistic.


    I'm not speaking about what he (or you) find sexually attractive. Rather, it's the nasty way in which he puts down feminine guys both in this post and in his profile. Even you point to "raving" flamboyant guys. It's one thing to say, "I'm attracted to butch guys" but there's no need to slam those of us who don't pass (whether by choice or disposition) since we live on the front lines of all those pesky rights the rest of you want, like it being safe to come out in the first place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 5:19 AM GMT
    [quote]
    I'm not speaking about what he (or you) find sexually attractive. Rather, it's the nasty way in which he puts down feminine guys both in this post and in his profile. Even you point to "raving" flamboyant guys. It's one thing to say, "I'm attracted to butch guys" but there's no need to slam those of us who don't pass (whether by choice or disposition) since we live on the front lines of all those pesky rights the rest of you want, like it being safe to come out in the first place. [/quote]

    I love the way you said that.