Deal breaker?

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    Jun 21, 2009 12:20 AM GMT
    I have begun to date a very nice, intelligent and attractive guy who is also my best friend. The relationship as of thus far is great but.. I like to lift and be active wheras he (Being an English major) prefers to sit around and read, while subsisting on cigarettes and coffee. I am really having issues sticking to my diet on the weekends and its harder for me to get out and be active when he would rather watch Sex in the City. I am really trying to get buff but maybe he is preventing me from getting where I need to be physically? Could a lack of common interests be a deal breaker?icon_question.gif
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 21, 2009 3:56 AM GMT
    No. You are still your own selves, dating doesn't change that. The fact that you're with someone who doesn't share your interests doesn't mean it's their fault if you don't keep doing the things you enjoy doing, either. Do fun things together, but enjoy the things you like doing.

    The smoking would drive me nuts, though. That'd be the deal breaker for me, not the fact he doesn't want to lift like you do.
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    Jun 21, 2009 8:13 AM GMT
    The diet thing is easy.. self-discipline. You can eat out and still stick to your meal plan. Just be mindful of what your order, the portions, calories, etc.

    As for lifting.. Well, just because you two are a couple, it doesn't mean you're joined at the hip. How about agreeing to some "me" time for the both of you, once a day, for an hour or so. During that "me" time, he can read his books and you can go to the gym.
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    Jun 21, 2009 10:03 AM GMT
    Hey Agri_Sci

    The question you ask should be. Will I let this be the deal breaker? Obviously there is something that brought you both to this table. Now that you've sat and realized that you don't share the same matching utensils does not mean the meal won't taste the same. Maybe while he's reading you can go to the gym. wrking out is something you enjoy and this does not mean that you will enjoy it less w/out him. Same for him as reading is a passion for him. we all meet people at times in our lives when were open and ready for the possibility......make it possible and not something as small as reading and wrking out be the biggest obsticle to challege this. Who knows in time you might find a new intrest in reading and him..the gym and thats what it is in the end sharing and growing frm the experiences in the people w/ meet.......Best of luck

    Hillie
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    Jun 21, 2009 2:35 PM GMT


    Hey agri_sci, here's something as well; different interests can also mean being less competitive with each other, in a comparative way. Bill and I have interests and hobbies completely different from each other. LOL well not so much any more as over time we've both gotten involved with each other's 'thing'.

    (well, not those 'things' - we've been enjoying THAT since we met icon_lol.gif )

    As for the smoking, can he take it and keep it outside, you know, a place on the deck or in the yard (if you have one)?

    -Doug
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    Jun 21, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    The issue with not having alot in common that we end up watching TV because he has NO hobbies outside reading and foreign films. As for the smoking, I used to smoke and its not an issue except he chain smokes. In addition, he is a fast food junky so more than once I have had to wait while he scarfs down a pound in cholorestol. I don't know...I just don't feel hes supportive of me.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jun 21, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    As far as the food, you should introduce to him healthier choices. Make cooking dinner a fun event for the two of you. Also, check out some recipe books that interest the two of you, but never tried and approach the food as an adventure/challenge. You should also introduce activities that the two of you like and put them on the calendar. Right now, the only calendar your partner has is what the tv guide scroll has and that's why he watches tv alot.
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidAs far as the food, you should introduce to him healthier choices. Make cooking dinner a fun event for the two of you. Also, check out some recipe books that interest the two of you, but never tried and approach the food as an adventure/challenge. You should also introduce activities that the two of you like and put them on the calendar. Right now, the only calendar your partner has is what the tv guide scroll has and that's why he watches tv alot.


    I do cook alot during the week and hes fine with that but if I am too tired to cook...it doesnt end well. As for activities, I have asked him to go biking, hiking or even just chill at the pool but its too hot out and he says he gets too winded. I am really trying but he keeps shooting it down. Its getting to the point I am feeling like I am a nag and I do not like that. I am too young to be the stereotypical overbearing Jewish parent!
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jun 21, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    Yeah, about common interests, consider the conundrum of many heterosexual relationships. There are several couples in which he likes sports and she likes social gatherings. Put the two interests together by inviting an even mix of people/couples with the same interests and the both could happen at the same time.

    Be creative and add your partner's interests and planning into the mix.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jun 21, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    agri_sci said, "I do cook alot during the week and hes fine with that but if I am too tired to cook...it doesnt end well. As for activities, I have asked him to go biking, hiking or even just chill at the pool but its too hot out and he says he gets too winded. I am really trying but he keeps shooting it down. Its getting to the point I am feeling like I am a nag and I do not like that. I am too young to be the stereotypical overbearing Jewish parent!"


    So it's sounding like that he's just flat out lazy. Sabotage the cable. icon_eek.gif
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    agri_sci saidI have begun to date a very nice, intelligent and attractive guy who is also my best friend. The relationship as of thus far is great but.. I like to lift and be active wheras he (Being an English major) prefers to sit around and read, while subsisting on cigarettes and coffee. I am really having issues sticking to my diet on the weekends and its harder for me to get out and be active when he would rather watch Sex in the City. I am really trying to get buff but maybe he is preventing me from getting where I need to be physically? Could a lack of common interests be a deal breaker?icon_question.gif


    Bro this could be a HUGE DEAL BREAKER, u r trying to do wuts right 4 u, and obviously he isn't. One thing i've learned in life is: U can't buy luv, U can't make people like u, U can't change people. Remain friends, but just know not to cross da frienship level *(if u haven't already)* icon_eek.gif
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidagri_sci said, "I do cook alot during the week and hes fine with that but if I am too tired to cook...it doesnt end well. As for activities, I have asked him to go biking, hiking or even just chill at the pool but its too hot out and he says he gets too winded. I am really trying but he keeps shooting it down. Its getting to the point I am feeling like I am a nag and I do not like that. I am too young to be the stereotypical overbearing Jewish parent!"


    So it's sounding like that he's just flat out lazy. Sabotage the cable. icon_eek.gif


    Pretty much...I am the dude in this relationship. All his friends are like him and mostly female anyhow. Some how rockclimbing did not appeal to them LOL. I dunno...maybe hes just too submissive and laid back to be active. I do get out occasionally with the guys (minus their gfs) and do something active but most are gone for summer. I really wish I could find a guy who leans more to the masculine, active side like me....not saying I am supermasculine to begin with...
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    Differences in a relationship can push you apart or pull you together depending on your approach to differences. If you share with him all the activities that you do, if you go out hiking for you regardless of him yet talk about it afterwards, if you cook then you can cook for two, and all of these things can let you be closer to him as you also stand up for yourself.

    I remind myself that romantic relationships are best not when partners do everything together, but when the individuals do what nourishes them and they share those experiences with each other, in whatever way they can be shared. There's no need to lose your sense of individuality in a relationship or feel that this relationship is calling you to do that.
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
    masculine31 said
    agri_sci saidI have begun to date a very nice, intelligent and attractive guy who is also my best friend. The relationship as of thus far is great but.. I like to lift and be active wheras he (Being an English major) prefers to sit around and read, while subsisting on cigarettes and coffee. I am really having issues sticking to my diet on the weekends and its harder for me to get out and be active when he would rather watch Sex in the City. I am really trying to get buff but maybe he is preventing me from getting where I need to be physically? Could a lack of common interests be a deal breaker?icon_question.gif


    Bro this could be a HUGE DEAL BREAKER, u r trying to do wuts right 4 u, and obviously he isn't. One thing i've learned in life is: U can't buy luv, U can't make people like u, U can't change people. Remain friends, but just know not to cross da frienship level *(if u haven't already)* icon_eek.gif


    I totally agree...what sucks is our personality dynamic is perfect and I hate to lose it.
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    BradySF saidDifferences in a relationship can push you apart or pull you together depending on your approach to differences. If you share with him all the activities that you do, if you go out hiking for you regardless of him yet talk about it afterwards, if you cook then you can cook for two, and all of these things can let you be closer to him as you also stand up for yourself.

    I remind myself that romantic relationships are best not when partners do everything together, but when the individuals do what nourishes them and they share those experiences with each other, in whatever way they can be shared. There's no need to lose your sense of individuality in a relationship or feel that this relationship is calling you to do that.


    Agreed! At the same time, I want him to be a part of my life outside being a bedmate and my ride to work lol!
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:31 PM GMT
    As others are getting at, it really depends on what YOU value in a relationship and in your life. And my gut tells me as I read your responses that you value having similar interests, habits - and doing outdoor/athletic activities with a BF.

    No shame in that. Is being friends an option for the two of you?
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:33 PM GMT
    agri_sci said
    Agreed! At the same time, I want him to be a part of my life outside being a bedmate and my ride to work lol!


    Then provide him with opportunities to do other things with you, and if he doesn't do it then he doesn't do it. Loving him is about loving him as he is, not loving an idealized him that you wish he could be. That's holding him to expectations and not being with him.

    Yes, what you want is more combined activities that lean towards an active lifestyle. There could be overlap. He likes foreign films you say? Watch "Summer Storm" together, which is about gay boy/teenage rowers in Germany. He likes to read? Take him outside to read in a park where he is more likely to get some fresh air while you don't feel cooped up. There are areas to compromise on and find overlap where it already exists, and then there is doing things together (that's not the same). He may never enjoy all the stuff that you do, but it isn't his job to do everything that you do. His job is to relate to you, just like yours is to relate to him.
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:33 PM GMT
    Momentum_Play saidAs others are getting at, it really depends on what YOU value in a relationship and in your life. And my gut tells me as I read your responses that you value having similar interests, habits - and doing outdoor/athletic activities with a BF.

    No shame in that. Is being friends an option for the two of you?


    Totally...Its just I tend to jump ship early in relationships and I need to be able to get a better picture before I do.
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    agri_sci said
    Momentum_Play saidAs others are getting at, it really depends on what YOU value in a relationship and in your life. And my gut tells me as I read your responses that you value having similar interests, habits - and doing outdoor/athletic activities with a BF.

    No shame in that. Is being friends an option for the two of you?


    Totally...Its just I tend to jump ship early in relationships and I need to be able to get a better picture before I do.
    You & me both! lol

    Good luck, man. Hope everything works out nicely for the both of you. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 21, 2009 6:48 PM GMT
    I hope so too because hes good for me in every other way...hes just a lil boring sometimes is all....icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 22, 2009 1:27 AM GMT
    Tried the biking idea again he wasnt interested,,,,